The Wake

Yesterday I said my goodbyes to a man I have known for almost 20 years.  He was 41 when he lost his battle with cancer, and while I wasn't as close to him as Satan, Nature and War, or even Death and Time, we were all there together....the first time in many years we have all been together.  Mr. Myah was able to make it however She Of Little Combat Boots was sick and not really into the crowds, or funerals.  I almost didn't go because I knew so few of his many SCA friends.  I worried I might feel left out.  Silly actually since they are such good people and made me welcome as we shared our favorite stories of Jack.  I left it up to Fate if I should go, and the course of the weekend.  So many tangled skeins this time....so many choices, so little opportunity, and while I was very happy to see some of my oldest friends again, it was under such sad circumstances that our smiles were tired, wistful, and full of tender compassions, and loss.

Some very bad, morning after, hung over pictures were taken at breakfast of us all.  They will be on my Facebook as well as some old ones of Jack for friends to download.  You know it was a good party when you are wearing the same clothes the next day.  Yep.  Five long island ice teas may have been one too many, so many flasks were handed to me I lost count.  But we all over did it a bit, in his memory.  And its exactly what he would have wanted us to do.  Celebrate.  Have joy that we knew him at all.  His quick wit.  His teasing nature.  I don't think I ever heard him gossip about anyone.  Why does it seem like there will always be more time?  I selfishly believe that he had lots more life to live and experiences to share with us and 41 is just too damn young to die.

And so many memories came flooding back of us all together.  The closure was important.  I know I will see them all again....all save one.  But I think he would have enjoyed the turn out and how his old friends and new friends and family all seemed to be one big camp of fandom.  He lived a successful life in my opinion, even if it was short.

Now I'm back in Chicago, with Sammy Bo Baggins and Ginger Snap, and hung over grandma is not a fun place to be.  But no sympathy for the self inflicted.

Cheers

Silver Springs....Say Goodbye....

What a great visit back in Wisconsin.  I had a much different blog all written that I started on Thursday night but after reading it again, I felt that it was too harsh and too revealing.  Some of my best writing too.  Deleted it.  Have to think.  Have to care.

There is so much I want to talk about, but true to form, if I tell you too much then you might figure out who I'm talking about and well, do no harm is one of the rules.  I got to see almost everyone in Wisconsin that I planned on seeing, so over all a good trip.  Never had time to even think of hitting the cities to visit with She of Little Combat Boots, but that too will come.

I was thinking I might be able to hit some high points.  ALL the conversations, flirtations, explorations, were intense, fond, orgasmic and tragic.  So a great time if we found time to talk and connect.  If that's what we did count yourself in a higher bracket of trust, love and faith that we are stuck with each other as family/friends.  I know, it sucks.  LOL

Some really high points were getting some quality alone time with Mr. Hopeful, it was also the lowest point, most tragic and the only time I cried about it was when he left.  I did get some interesting new music and a fantastic new lucky dress I purchased just for the event.  Oh how I hate change.

Another really high point was dinner with Satan and Nature.  I was awarded, with great love and thought, a painting I had admired on my last week living here.  I'll never be able to do it justice in explaining it, but I will post a picture the minute I get it hung in Chicago.  Way before I can afford or decide how to matt and frame it.  The canvas is white and stretched into the shape of the body of a guitar.  With black paint Satan has painted the three aspects of Fate, in front of an enormous and ancient tree and all three spinning, weaving or cutting the threads of life.  It is a personal work for me and I am obviously very attracted to it.  I was always honored to be the caretaker of certain works of his art over the years.  But to be given a painting that you offered to pay for, by the artist himself, while he is still alive....that's like me giving you a poem I wrote, or singing softly to you.  So honored.

Surprising high point that turned into a low point was running into Mr. Confident, who could not close the deal.....again.....this is why some men are way too young.  My prospects for brining in the spring festival of shagging or otherwise known as EASTER, were just cut in third.   Oh well, I was pretty hopeful that my date with Mr. Hopeful would satisfy my springtime honoring of the festival of spring and renewal and rebirth.  It turned out to be such a long winter.  However that was not to be either see above....so while I didn't know it lets just say my prospects had just been cut down to one third.  hum.....not sure how I feel about that.

Expected high points were learning about Essential Oils with my Pat Head Daughter, and getting started as a distributor with them.  I'll be the Chicago connection if I ever decide to sell it, if not, I am so interested in using them.  It's like being a witch just got so convenient.  They are 100% natural, not like that stuff at the Food Co Op that says it's 100% natural but you can't ingest it??  Well if it says lemon or peppermint and it's not investable then it's not all natural, because you can eat lemons and peppermint.  LOL.  I can't wait to show Second Daughter.  I'm going to start using them in their home and if they love the way they work and make you feel, then I will have saved us a lot of money as a family and make us all healthier without toxins.  See being a witch is really a lot more like being an alchemist.  :)  Another expected high point was having a long talk and beers with Death.  Nothing quite like talking about life while having a good smoke and drink with Death.  Because you talk about life and never name names or situations....you just talk about yourself and he knows the feelings he can weigh your soul and see into it.  Well he's Death.  And be fearful of his wrath.  Glad as Fate I don't bonk heads with him too much.  We are usually on the same page.  Made me wish that War and Time had been there too.

Unexpected high points were lunch with My Ex Favorite Neighbors/Tenants and last night with That Guy who both thought my dress was defiantly worth attacking me in and should become my new lucky dress.  I guess Mr. Hopeful was right, even though he was able to resist (cue RUSH song) my advances.  (after seeing one picture of me in it Mr. Practical was unsure how he was able to achieve such control....tell me about it!)

Oh well, I guess it's finally true, Silver Springs and Say Goodbye indeed.  How fitting that there is a gentle rain this morning...

vacation

we interrupt this blog for vacation.  we shall return easter sunday.

Said you'd give me light....but you never told me about the fire...

I've been reflecting a lot on the past, as I'm finding myself again.  And I've come to some conclusions that the family and friends who know me the best, may have always known, but were lost on me.  I have finally forgiven myself for being with Mr. Charisma.  I have finally acknowledged that I accepted his advances because I was very lonely and tired of being alone, or waiting for Mr. Hopeful.  And if I'm very honest with myself I realize that I chose him because I knew I could leave him easily if Mr. Hopeful ever found his way to me.  This is not hard to admit now that I've forgiven myself, but it was impossible to admit, the year I was with him.  I'm happy for him that he has found his true love, and not bitter at all about our time together, for I believe it helped us both to heal several demons we have been carrying around for more years than we can count.  As the old saying goes, people come into your lives and people leave your life.  Sometimes they leave because they have nothing else to teach you, and they aren't meant to be with you on your journey for any longer than they were.  I believe that's what Mr. Charisma and I were to each other.  That does not mean that our feelings were fake they just weren't as powerful or deep as what I feel for Mr. Hopeful or what he feels for Miss Right.  This realization does not mean that I trust him or want him in my life as a friend.  For I do not.  But I have forgiven us, for our hearts being so tired of being alone.

And perhaps we needed to discover that to understand our feelings for the other people in our life.  I know I often wondered why I stayed single for so long.  Yes, it was easier raising my kids without the complication of another man in our lives other than their fathers.  But it was very lonely for me.  In ways that I had gotten so used to that I didn't even see how angry I was.  I have a lot of love to give and chose to throw all that love and affection into my kids.  That made certain parts of my life very lonely.  When I missed that I would reach out to friends, for adult time.  That consisted of a lot of self medication, and sometimes what some of you would consider, poor choices.  I don't, as long as the choices made me smile.  I admit I have made a few poor choices that do not make me smile when I remember them.  But I no longer speak to those men or see them in my life at all, so it's ok to admit that I made some mistakes.  

And for the most part I have apologized to the ones that I hurt unnecessarily.  At least the ones that I can find or are still talking to me.  I believe now that I stayed single for so many decades because I deep down inside I know who I love and who I should have been with.  And, try as I might, no one else seems to come close to erasing him in my heart.  I often think of him and hope he is happy and that he found someone else to love as much as I realize he loved me.  I may never know, but I am hopeful.  

Sometimes I imagine what it might be like if he were to show up on my doorstep having spent his journey trying to forget me, like I have tried to forget him.  They say that there is more than one person for us in this life, and I know that is true.  I have been very lucky to have been married more than once and felt that knowledge that, at least once, we could have made it work if we really wanted to.  But one person can't make a marriage last, no matter how much you may want to.  I learned that lesson twice, once as the person leaving, and once as the person not wanting it to end.  Needed that lesson to understand even more, how true love works.  How it never dies, but helps you understand what you must do.  Sometimes that's to leave.  Sometimes that is giving someone you love the chance to be happier without you.  To be with the love of their lives.  No matter who that is.  

Nature gave me a reading once that showed I would have three children.  I never wanted to start over in my late thirties, so I ran from that fate....as fast as I could.  And here I am in my fifties, helping Second Daughter with her children, Ginger Snap, who is seven,  and Sammy Bo Baggins.....who is only one....starting over....

You can't run from your fate....even if you try.  I understand that at least two times in my past I have run from a fate that I was destined to have.  Too bad I didn't understand it those times.  My life, and theirs, might be very different now.  Maybe better, maybe worse, who knows?  That's the real trap of wondering 'what if'.  Some days I wish that true love was a myth, and that I could fall out of love.  I would if I could.  Now I just understand it's impossible, and forgive myself.  And smile, because if the love you feel for anyone you love, makes you smile, it is not wrong.  Doesn't mean you can have it, but it does justify the emotion.  And sometimes that is all you need to change guilt into fondness...