Can you feel it? It’s in the air. Something just on the edge of perception is right there. Some might say it’s Christmas or whatever spiritual holiday you celebrate. Others might say its just the changing of the seasons. But there is a definite change in the cosmic awareness. A oneness we all share. A time of year when we remember endings and the people that we left behind. In less than two weeks I shall be in a part of the country that had a lot of endings for me. And while I don’t expect to see any of them, the ones I left behind, I do plan on seeing the ones that never left my life. The ones that care enough to make time for me. Granted its a short trip, but it’s the attempt that counts. And while my personal plate already seems full, well you know what they say about this time of year…the more the merrier.
As I reflect on the past and hope the future can recapture some of the great moments of the past, I hope that you all get to see everyone you miss this Christmas season.
Cheers
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future
I'm not sure what it is. There is a feeling that comes over me every December. I’m not depressed, not even sad, really, but sentimental
…very sentimental.
And it's not over every Christmas past. But like Scrooge, (or Scrooged if you like movies, like I do) one stands out. Winter in general stands out with Mr. Hopeful. It was winter all those decades ago where he and I talked on a snowy hike about a possible future together….
and it was winter when we broke up years later…
and (did you know) when it snows, (cue song)…I can’t help but see his face, at both those moments. Have I told you lately that I think my relationship with him, over the years, has really helped me to understand how close love and hate really are? Now don’t go jumping of ledges here, breath and hear me out.
I hate that I met him if we can’t be together….sometimes….
this time of year….more than any other. And maybe it’s true, its because it’s Thanksgiving and Christmas….and New Years…
Eve….and another year gone without him. Another year misplaced somehow, and yet, the year for me has been a very successful and happy one. I have had so much good to share with my loved ones….I just wish he was by my side while I was accomplishing them. My heart says he is. My heart says he always will be, because he cares about me and always has. Just because we couldn’t make a relationship work, doesn’t mean we can’t be old friends, does it? Sharing stories of our kids, and our trials and tribulations in this world.
Like with all my other friends. I try.
God knows I try.
But with him, its hard to be completely happy for his successes that he shares with her, and his kids. And while I am happy for him, there is a small, small percentage….maybe 10….that glares with revenge filled satisfaction at his losses. It used to be closer to 5% but it’s grown this year along with my unfulfilled desires to have an exciting life here in the Windy City.
Thankfully my distracted heart did not spoil any joyous Christmas present with my daughter yesterday. (pun….lol) We were shopping in the downtown said windy city, and DAMN why do we live near such a fucking huge lake this far north?! ARE WE CRAZY?! Hate lake effect show and ice and wind and fucking wind. There were a couple of times with our packages in hand where First Daughter and I were almost blown off our feet. Our inherited 18 dex of clumsy-ness and anti-stumbling saves made quippy remarks of the day a very “Gilmore Girls” moment. We have a lot of those again in this city. Another reason it was good for us both to get out of the sad memories of La Crosse. She still calls it home. I think because First Son is there. I call Chicago home. Because I’m here.
Christmas future is starting to bleed into my self-imposed blue Christmas time. And this is a good thing because I feel a lot more successful when I think of my future than when I think of my past or present. I know I shouldn’t live in the either the past or future but at least I’m starting to find my future a more pleasant place to be in than my past. I think its a greater understanding of myself and him and maybe what they call, “being in the present moment”. I’m trying to fall out of love with him and I’m trying to think of him more in love with her and spending his free time with his family. I create loving pictures of it in my mind to keep me from …
well to keep me from doing anything I may regret.
I think this is growth, albeit strange and dangerous pendulum growth, but any growth is good, right? She asked suggestive of agreement.
Cheers
…very sentimental.
And it's not over every Christmas past. But like Scrooge, (or Scrooged if you like movies, like I do) one stands out. Winter in general stands out with Mr. Hopeful. It was winter all those decades ago where he and I talked on a snowy hike about a possible future together….
and it was winter when we broke up years later…
and (did you know) when it snows, (cue song)…I can’t help but see his face, at both those moments. Have I told you lately that I think my relationship with him, over the years, has really helped me to understand how close love and hate really are? Now don’t go jumping of ledges here, breath and hear me out.
I hate that I met him if we can’t be together….sometimes….
this time of year….more than any other. And maybe it’s true, its because it’s Thanksgiving and Christmas….and New Years…
Eve….and another year gone without him. Another year misplaced somehow, and yet, the year for me has been a very successful and happy one. I have had so much good to share with my loved ones….I just wish he was by my side while I was accomplishing them. My heart says he is. My heart says he always will be, because he cares about me and always has. Just because we couldn’t make a relationship work, doesn’t mean we can’t be old friends, does it? Sharing stories of our kids, and our trials and tribulations in this world.
Like with all my other friends. I try.
God knows I try.
But with him, its hard to be completely happy for his successes that he shares with her, and his kids. And while I am happy for him, there is a small, small percentage….maybe 10….that glares with revenge filled satisfaction at his losses. It used to be closer to 5% but it’s grown this year along with my unfulfilled desires to have an exciting life here in the Windy City.
Thankfully my distracted heart did not spoil any joyous Christmas present with my daughter yesterday. (pun….lol) We were shopping in the downtown said windy city, and DAMN why do we live near such a fucking huge lake this far north?! ARE WE CRAZY?! Hate lake effect show and ice and wind and fucking wind. There were a couple of times with our packages in hand where First Daughter and I were almost blown off our feet. Our inherited 18 dex of clumsy-ness and anti-stumbling saves made quippy remarks of the day a very “Gilmore Girls” moment. We have a lot of those again in this city. Another reason it was good for us both to get out of the sad memories of La Crosse. She still calls it home. I think because First Son is there. I call Chicago home. Because I’m here.
Christmas future is starting to bleed into my self-imposed blue Christmas time. And this is a good thing because I feel a lot more successful when I think of my future than when I think of my past or present. I know I shouldn’t live in the either the past or future but at least I’m starting to find my future a more pleasant place to be in than my past. I think its a greater understanding of myself and him and maybe what they call, “being in the present moment”. I’m trying to fall out of love with him and I’m trying to think of him more in love with her and spending his free time with his family. I create loving pictures of it in my mind to keep me from …
well to keep me from doing anything I may regret.
I think this is growth, albeit strange and dangerous pendulum growth, but any growth is good, right? She asked suggestive of agreement.
Cheers
Monday, December 1, 2014
Thanksgiving
What a wonderful and relaxing Thanksgiving weekend. Here it is Monday morning and I'm a day late posting, (because somehow I locked myself out of my google, but am now recovered). FIVE days off for Thanksgiving. I feel so European. I hope everyone was as surrounded by love and friendship as I was this Thanksgiving, and while I miss those of you that I couldn't get to, I know you are there wishing me well as I do you.
My Thanksgiving was spent with First Daughter, just us. First Son and his wife were working and couldn't make the trip, nor would it have been easy for us to come to them. But we are shooting for Christmas. I hope it can happen, I miss my son more than he knows. My First Daughter and I ate all the turkey and sides we could stuff into ourselves, and built a Lego Death Star while watching musicals (Hair and The Book of Mormon) and some Gilmore Girls a new passion of ours. And the music was her new assignment of "Who am I now". Was a wonderful and relaxing time.
Then Friday I left town until Sunday to hang with My Girl and her kids. My Girl lives over the state line from me so I was able to have an adventure in getting to her. I love adventures. I took a bus to the Metra and rode the train as far north as it goes and she picked me up at the station. Cost me about $10.00 oneway! Who would ever drive? I love living in a city with great public transportation. I had so much fun at My Girl's place. Got to catch up with her and had my first experience smoking medical herbs (NOT THAT KIND OF HERBS! Ours was a grape flavored molasses based. No tobacco nothing addictive), and it was so smooth. I really enjoyed it and it fed an old 'smoking habit' of the oral hand to mouth thingy. It was quite relaxing. We also watched some movies we had always wanted to catch and just were lazy. I felt so at home there, and I usually never feel at home anywhere but home. I think I'm finally learning how to relax.
I almost got to do and see everyone that I wanted to this weekend. I hope to make it further north for Christmas. The people I left behind up there I miss more than they know, and my heart is heavy with the fear that I might not see any of them again. This time of year always makes me sentimental and reminiscent. I should put up my Christmas tree...but I'm just not in the mood yet. Maybe later tonight. I'm really enjoying being a hermit. Back to gaming.
Cheers
My Thanksgiving was spent with First Daughter, just us. First Son and his wife were working and couldn't make the trip, nor would it have been easy for us to come to them. But we are shooting for Christmas. I hope it can happen, I miss my son more than he knows. My First Daughter and I ate all the turkey and sides we could stuff into ourselves, and built a Lego Death Star while watching musicals (Hair and The Book of Mormon) and some Gilmore Girls a new passion of ours. And the music was her new assignment of "Who am I now". Was a wonderful and relaxing time.
Then Friday I left town until Sunday to hang with My Girl and her kids. My Girl lives over the state line from me so I was able to have an adventure in getting to her. I love adventures. I took a bus to the Metra and rode the train as far north as it goes and she picked me up at the station. Cost me about $10.00 oneway! Who would ever drive? I love living in a city with great public transportation. I had so much fun at My Girl's place. Got to catch up with her and had my first experience smoking medical herbs (NOT THAT KIND OF HERBS! Ours was a grape flavored molasses based. No tobacco nothing addictive), and it was so smooth. I really enjoyed it and it fed an old 'smoking habit' of the oral hand to mouth thingy. It was quite relaxing. We also watched some movies we had always wanted to catch and just were lazy. I felt so at home there, and I usually never feel at home anywhere but home. I think I'm finally learning how to relax.
I almost got to do and see everyone that I wanted to this weekend. I hope to make it further north for Christmas. The people I left behind up there I miss more than they know, and my heart is heavy with the fear that I might not see any of them again. This time of year always makes me sentimental and reminiscent. I should put up my Christmas tree...but I'm just not in the mood yet. Maybe later tonight. I'm really enjoying being a hermit. Back to gaming.
Cheers
Sunday, November 23, 2014
You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned - Yoda
I recently discovered something about depression that I didn't know. If you hang around all depressed people you get more depressed. I know this sounds very basic but maybe thats why I didn't give it much credit. It sounds too simple. I have some friends that are depressed and I have some that aren't and I find that I get caught up in their moods. It used to be worse, so I'm getting much better at it. For example this last week I was supposed to meet Mr. Hopeful on line for a chat, and as you can guess he was late, so late in fact that I'd given up on him showing at all and when he did he had a typical excuse. Horrible day, no sleep, had to go to work, and so forth. Now I'm not saying I don't believe him, I absolutely do. What I am saying is that this time, it didn't anger me or make me depressed or lower my self worth. This time, I took the disappointment like a normal adult human and really understood. I didn't let myself get depressed, hell I didn't even feel sad. In fact the closer and closer it got to the time he was supposed to meet me the more and more I hoped he wouldn't come. I think this is very important personal growth. I felt guilty and slutty, instead of excited and that rush of love that I usually feel when about to see him. Something about the way we were meeting felt wrong. Not us. Too desperate.
But which kind of personal growth is it? Is it me just being really scared of repeating disaster and doing the same thing with him that I did with Mr. Practical? That really made me lose a lot of respect for him and we haven't spoken even as friends in over four months. And I don't miss him in my life in the way I thought I would. Or is it that I just don't want to see Mr. Hopeful, even on camera, if I can't have him? Hum...there's a thought. Am I afraid that would depress me? I know I've been med free for four months and I don't want to go back to that state.
Last night I tested the video thing with That Guy, and all was well. Of course we only chat. No danger of any funny business so no guilt and it was great to laugh and game with him long distance. And plan my holiday visit up there. Which I hope I get to do. That's just a whole other kettle of fish I don't want to open, but leave it to say that I'll be there if I can find a place to crash. First Son is working on it. I'll be disappointed if he can't find a way to put up his ma.
So maybe I've come to the conclusion that I'm camera shy with anyone that I know intimately. Perhaps I'm not as slutty as I was thought to be. Perhaps I'm truly am finding my way back to who I was.
I have five days off for Thanksgiving and only have plans on turkey day with First Daughter. I believe I will use the rest of the vacation time to game on line or build a lego Death Star.
Cheers
But which kind of personal growth is it? Is it me just being really scared of repeating disaster and doing the same thing with him that I did with Mr. Practical? That really made me lose a lot of respect for him and we haven't spoken even as friends in over four months. And I don't miss him in my life in the way I thought I would. Or is it that I just don't want to see Mr. Hopeful, even on camera, if I can't have him? Hum...there's a thought. Am I afraid that would depress me? I know I've been med free for four months and I don't want to go back to that state.
Last night I tested the video thing with That Guy, and all was well. Of course we only chat. No danger of any funny business so no guilt and it was great to laugh and game with him long distance. And plan my holiday visit up there. Which I hope I get to do. That's just a whole other kettle of fish I don't want to open, but leave it to say that I'll be there if I can find a place to crash. First Son is working on it. I'll be disappointed if he can't find a way to put up his ma.
So maybe I've come to the conclusion that I'm camera shy with anyone that I know intimately. Perhaps I'm not as slutty as I was thought to be. Perhaps I'm truly am finding my way back to who I was.
I have five days off for Thanksgiving and only have plans on turkey day with First Daughter. I believe I will use the rest of the vacation time to game on line or build a lego Death Star.
Cheers
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Fasting Sucks! I Want Coffee and Bacon!
I love Sunday. It's my day off, and my day to do whatever I want. And I usually am a hermit. But today I have to get to the clinic for my fasting blood work. I hate fasting blood work. I hate fasting. And if my clinic were open before 10 any morning I would have done it a lot sooner, but here I sit, writing my favorite blog, on my favorite day without my coffee, and getting more and more grumpy as the clock ticks on.
My hands tingle as I type even with the wrist splints and I realize that I can't really write like this. And that has been a problem. I want to write and I feel like I need to write, but I can't. I need a secretary. LOL. That's a good one. Apparently 30 years of typing has given me carpel tunnel, but the blood work this morning is to rule out anything else before we do steroid shots in my wrists. OUCH. Not looking forward to that. And then the test of needles down my arms to confirm what we believe I have. Then I imagine surgery. I hate the thought of being wounded while healing. But I know that once its done I'll feel much better.
I have so many things I'd like to write about, finish the novel is always on the docket. But other things too, feelings I have about my new life. People I miss. People I don't miss. How that makes me feel, but the tingle takes away all my wit and creative ability and just hurts.
So please forgive the short blogs until I can get a handle on this. And know that I will figure this out like everything else that tries to stop me.
I woke up yesterday feeling very disappointed at men as a gender. I tried to take off my "I hate men pants" yesterday but the feeling is pretty much still here. I think I'll need to figure out a way to be happy here without feeling let down by the past. I hate that the past still haunts me. Sometimes I wish I cared less so it had no power over me. Its not that I'm not happy. But I look around my cozy studio and wish sometimes, that there was someone here with me. Usually more on quiet times like now, not all the time, but enough to have me starting to wake up hating men. Well not all men, but the ones I feel let me down. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Usually anger is not. At least I'm not depressed. I need more water and to stop making my hands hurt more.
Cheers
My hands tingle as I type even with the wrist splints and I realize that I can't really write like this. And that has been a problem. I want to write and I feel like I need to write, but I can't. I need a secretary. LOL. That's a good one. Apparently 30 years of typing has given me carpel tunnel, but the blood work this morning is to rule out anything else before we do steroid shots in my wrists. OUCH. Not looking forward to that. And then the test of needles down my arms to confirm what we believe I have. Then I imagine surgery. I hate the thought of being wounded while healing. But I know that once its done I'll feel much better.
I have so many things I'd like to write about, finish the novel is always on the docket. But other things too, feelings I have about my new life. People I miss. People I don't miss. How that makes me feel, but the tingle takes away all my wit and creative ability and just hurts.
So please forgive the short blogs until I can get a handle on this. And know that I will figure this out like everything else that tries to stop me.
I woke up yesterday feeling very disappointed at men as a gender. I tried to take off my "I hate men pants" yesterday but the feeling is pretty much still here. I think I'll need to figure out a way to be happy here without feeling let down by the past. I hate that the past still haunts me. Sometimes I wish I cared less so it had no power over me. Its not that I'm not happy. But I look around my cozy studio and wish sometimes, that there was someone here with me. Usually more on quiet times like now, not all the time, but enough to have me starting to wake up hating men. Well not all men, but the ones I feel let me down. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Usually anger is not. At least I'm not depressed. I need more water and to stop making my hands hurt more.
Cheers
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Waiting For The Cable Guy Part Two
Ok. So last week the cable guy was a no show. And after several minutes and three different CSRs to fix the issue it appears the same thing is happening this wee. So I'm attempting to blog from my phone. Please excuse and Siri auto corrects that I miss. But I'm bordering on pissed here. At least this week the reminder call went stratight to voicemail. Last week my phone shows no record of voicemail or missed call and they didn't show so this week I called directly to customer service again and they sent another automated call that I got, while they were holding, and apparently completed correctly. WTF. He is technically not late yet but I have a bad feeling that something will go wrong again this week. Band if it does I will go with a different provider. If I didn't believe so strongly that everyone deserves a second chance, I probably would have already. But we shall see. LSt week I waited four hours for a two hour window. I think I will do the same this week. But before I leave I will not be a nice future customer when I call. I shall give them what they deserve and see how they handle it. Why do we always feel so trapped by some businesse? The cable/internet company, car insurance companies, Heath insurance companies and lets don't forget home contractors. If we treated our customers the way they treat us we would get fired. It's a mystery to me why we let it continue. It's like our voting system. We all keep voting for a change and the incumbents almost always win!? Again, WTF? I hope this posts for you to read. Bi will attempt to share from here but I'm not sure how successful I will be. IF I acquire Internet later today I shall correct.
Cheers
Cheers
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Busy, Busy, Busy
I believe in the four years of writing this blog this is the latest I've ever posted. But I have a really good excuse. Short blog today as I finally broke down and saw a doctor on my 'pinched nerve'. Turns out it's carpal tunnel and I'm wearing a wrist splint for two weeks. That's the first step. We shall hope we don't have to do any of the next steps as they don't seem very comfortable. However the wrist splint seems to be helping. I'm at least sleeping through the night. However typing is very difficult now.
I did get my new studio and am picking up the keys on Wednesday night, and moving all my stuff over the course of next week Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday if needed. Cable guy is coming on Sunday morning. And I even bought some cleaning supplies and ordered my Dr. Who stuff for my new Dr. Who bathroom. It matches my hair...Tardis blue. :). The rest of the studio will be in red, black and white. Let me know if you have anything to donate in those colors. My first big purchases will be furniture that doubles as storage. And my wish list is long. But I'm so happy to be slowly decorating it and looking forward to space of my own again. And some much needed quiet time. I miss my quiet time without any kids. Being a live in nanny is very noisy. :)
Have to rest my hand now. Cheers
I did get my new studio and am picking up the keys on Wednesday night, and moving all my stuff over the course of next week Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday if needed. Cable guy is coming on Sunday morning. And I even bought some cleaning supplies and ordered my Dr. Who stuff for my new Dr. Who bathroom. It matches my hair...Tardis blue. :). The rest of the studio will be in red, black and white. Let me know if you have anything to donate in those colors. My first big purchases will be furniture that doubles as storage. And my wish list is long. But I'm so happy to be slowly decorating it and looking forward to space of my own again. And some much needed quiet time. I miss my quiet time without any kids. Being a live in nanny is very noisy. :)
Have to rest my hand now. Cheers
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