This may be the second year in a row that I don't put up a Christmas tree. I tell myself it's because I hardly spend anytime here, which is true. And that we aren't doing Christmas this year because got together last year at Christmas so this year was Thanksgiving. Which is also true. But I think the real reason is that my mom loved Christmas. She always had the tree up by December 1st and never took it down until after New Years Day.
She would magically become a young child again as she put up our artificial tree and strung all the twinkle lights. We didn't have the smaller ones you have now, ours were big and we had bubble lights too. All the bulbs were glass and very old fashioned looking. All have broken with the moves and years. I was always allowed to put on my works of art, that I made at school and all the tinsel. She was very particular on how the tree should be arranged. "No big bulbs at the top." And "Put the tinsel on one strand at a time, that way it looks like ice when the lights hit it."
And even though we rarely had more that two or three presents under our tree it was always the best tree of all the Christmas trees I would see. Every year. To my young eyes no one could decorate a tree quite like my mom. The last tree she helped decorate broke the second year after she died. And I never replaced it with a large tree. I went with very small artificial trees after that and ornaments as well. Our cat tended to leave a smaller tree alone. And it became nice for travel when I brought Christmas to First Son the year he graduated from Navy boot camp.
I have a small tree that I put up my first Christmas here and I hardly ever turned it on. And it seemed silly to put it up just for me. No kids anymore and no presents underneath. Why? It's a pagan symbol which in all honesty should make me want to put it up all the more. But when I think about doing it I always get so sad that she's not here with me doing her amazing job of teaching me how to do it correctly. She was big on doing things the right way the first time.
I guess after 17 years I still miss her more than I can articulate. She not only was my mother, but she was my rock and the one person I could always count on to be honest with me and help me to not only learn, but be a better person. And while I can't say we grew up together like me and First Son, I can say that I believe she got a second childhood with me. A chance to grow and learn about a generation she would have been removed from had she had me in her twenties instead of forties. I can't deny that the bad romantic choices I've made in the last 17 years have been all my doing, but I wonder if she'd still been alive if I'd have chosen better. Knowing how disappointed she would have been in me. I can't say I miss her everyday, but she does cross my mind almost every day. Still. Christmas, her birthday in February, which was also my wedding day to my First Husband, and her death day are the days that her memory seems most active. I also feel her very strongly when I'm with my kids. She would be so proud of them both. As I am.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Sunday, November 27, 2016
A Quiet Morning Inside My Head
Foggy morning here in La Crosse, as I sit on my daughters couch at my laptop. With coffee in hand and new music in my ear from Benny Sweat, I am contemplating what to write this week in my blog. After only five hours of sleep from a night of old and new memories with That Guy and friends I find myself oddly comfortable in my skin this morning.
This visit has been a much needed break from the rat-race of the city life. I've had such a wonderful time catching up with First Daughter and First Son, who was with us all of Wednesday evening and most of Thanksgiving Day into the evening. First Daughter In Law is unfortunately very sick and couldn't make it to us this year so First Son had two dinners. He'll be back today, and we've managed to fill up our four days together with good food and good company, great shows and fun board games. I'm blessed with like minded kids so no political blowups or tiptoeing. And we all have discussed our fears and hopes for the next four years. Having an action plan is important in our interesting times. Friday morning a brunch with Benny and Nikki Sweat gave us the opportunity to connect and hanging out with That Guy last night made me feel I'd fit in everyone that reached out to me wanting to see me this visit. I gave up posting on FB when I was in town, since last year none of my old friends bothered to respond. This year I decided that if they didn't reach out ahead of my arrival they probably didn't have time for me anyway.
Yesterday, for some unknown reason that I still can't put my finger on or tack down in my whirlwind of a mind, I became sad. I had no real reason for this, other than not being able to see First Daughter In Law while here. There is a sadness that will always surround me when I come to this town. So many good memories with the Incarnations of Immortality that are unfortunately tagged with equally sad memories with them, memories that make me shy away from contacting them. Afraid that we've grown apart, which of course makes that a self fulling prophecy. A few good memories but honestly mostly bad ones from Mr. Charisma which only assault me here. And finally the incredible highs and lows of Mr. Hopeful. In fact this mornings foggy day brings back a mixed memory with him that if there were snow on the ground would be almost a perfect snapshot of 'then.'
Then. I hate that time and place. Why can't 'Then' be only the happy times, why does it have to be attached to the memories we'd rather not remember? Wouldn't it be lovely if we could keep the lessons from the bad and after forgiveness, truly erase those memories that caused us pain? Or words that cut us or cut others?
I keep expecting the sun to bake off this blanket of gray that covered my world while I slept. But it seems to be attached to my reality today as well as my memories. Every time I come here I feel a that tug toward the past, and oddly since I'm coming to my kids home instead of them coming to me, it's a reversal. They are home here. I no longer am. I feel like a stranger in a town I lived in for 18 years. I didn't make it downtown to any of my old regular haunts, but that's okay. They stopped being my regular haunts three years ago and even with five days here I just don't feel the need to make time for that scene.
It's so quiet here. The hum of the city is gone, and silence is king.
This visit has been a much needed break from the rat-race of the city life. I've had such a wonderful time catching up with First Daughter and First Son, who was with us all of Wednesday evening and most of Thanksgiving Day into the evening. First Daughter In Law is unfortunately very sick and couldn't make it to us this year so First Son had two dinners. He'll be back today, and we've managed to fill up our four days together with good food and good company, great shows and fun board games. I'm blessed with like minded kids so no political blowups or tiptoeing. And we all have discussed our fears and hopes for the next four years. Having an action plan is important in our interesting times. Friday morning a brunch with Benny and Nikki Sweat gave us the opportunity to connect and hanging out with That Guy last night made me feel I'd fit in everyone that reached out to me wanting to see me this visit. I gave up posting on FB when I was in town, since last year none of my old friends bothered to respond. This year I decided that if they didn't reach out ahead of my arrival they probably didn't have time for me anyway.
Yesterday, for some unknown reason that I still can't put my finger on or tack down in my whirlwind of a mind, I became sad. I had no real reason for this, other than not being able to see First Daughter In Law while here. There is a sadness that will always surround me when I come to this town. So many good memories with the Incarnations of Immortality that are unfortunately tagged with equally sad memories with them, memories that make me shy away from contacting them. Afraid that we've grown apart, which of course makes that a self fulling prophecy. A few good memories but honestly mostly bad ones from Mr. Charisma which only assault me here. And finally the incredible highs and lows of Mr. Hopeful. In fact this mornings foggy day brings back a mixed memory with him that if there were snow on the ground would be almost a perfect snapshot of 'then.'
Then. I hate that time and place. Why can't 'Then' be only the happy times, why does it have to be attached to the memories we'd rather not remember? Wouldn't it be lovely if we could keep the lessons from the bad and after forgiveness, truly erase those memories that caused us pain? Or words that cut us or cut others?
I keep expecting the sun to bake off this blanket of gray that covered my world while I slept. But it seems to be attached to my reality today as well as my memories. Every time I come here I feel a that tug toward the past, and oddly since I'm coming to my kids home instead of them coming to me, it's a reversal. They are home here. I no longer am. I feel like a stranger in a town I lived in for 18 years. I didn't make it downtown to any of my old regular haunts, but that's okay. They stopped being my regular haunts three years ago and even with five days here I just don't feel the need to make time for that scene.
It's so quiet here. The hum of the city is gone, and silence is king.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
If We All Just Choose Love
Technology, for the most part, is not my friend. I'm not as bad as that digger from Jurassic Park who can't even touch something computer-like without it glitching out, but I've been known to have my issues with our wonderful world of technology. Like for example my phone doing whatever it wants. For example this morning my alarm went off. Not my normal Monday morning alarm to wake up but the alarm that says, "Hey...better be getting your ass out the door now because the train will be here in ten minutes" alarm. Which is odd because I have it set to repeat only on work days. Did nothing to change its programming. And yet when it went off this morning, giving me a heart attack that I was going to be late, I noticed it had no programming. Just that it would go off. HUM. No updates recently either. Although It does have an alarming lack of space for updates.
So my Sunday morning already feels off. I hope the week is not going to go like this. For I have been waiting for this week for months. This Thanksgiving, First Daughter is hosting for the family and I can't wait to get to her house on Wednesday night. For six days I will be basking in her, and my son and daughter-in-laws, love and friendship and we look forward to our yearly holiday visit with great anticipation and joy. Our family is poor so we don't get to see each other often. Once a year, twice if we are very lucky. Raising them as I did as a single parent made us closer than most families I've met. We were (and are) a fun family with as many similarities as differences.
I've been lucky in life, so far. I've known great love four times in my life and not so great love even more. I've been married three times and divorced three times. I've bore two wonderful children and been shown the way to raise many more. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back and love in my heart. My mind is made up and yet very open to suggestion, if its presented in intelligence and rational ways. Without resorting to fear or gas-lighting. I'm healthier than most but not in as good a shape as I should be. I worry about the world but not to the point of being paralyzed. I feel for the most part that basically I have many things in common with most of my fellow man. And I'm thankful that I do. I'm trying to remain positive in the face of much turmoil in my country and around the world. And I am hoping my fellow man feels this too, and will gather with their families during the next two months of holiday celebrations. No matter what your traditions are, (We like to eat a lot of good food and then play Spades and watch favorite TV shows or movies and laugh. There is always a lot of laughter.) I hope that your holidays are filled with love and surrounded by everyone you hold dear. And if you find yourself alone at anytime during the season, please reach out to me, for if you are reading this you know I'm your friend and will always, ALWAYS be there for you and answer. I understand loneliness and sometimes just needing someone else to hold your hand and tell you that's it's going to be alright. I understand how hard it is to just get some friends to really listen to your heart. I'm really good at listening to peoples hearts. I think it's because I ignore my own so much, that I understand how important it is to really listen to it and help it help your mind to great epiphany. I understand what great loss is and perhaps that's why I'm so thankful for what I have in my life.
I leave with this, no matter your traditions or religions this time of year remember we have one thing in common, all religions are about love. So if we all just choose love, we'll be alright.
Cheers
So my Sunday morning already feels off. I hope the week is not going to go like this. For I have been waiting for this week for months. This Thanksgiving, First Daughter is hosting for the family and I can't wait to get to her house on Wednesday night. For six days I will be basking in her, and my son and daughter-in-laws, love and friendship and we look forward to our yearly holiday visit with great anticipation and joy. Our family is poor so we don't get to see each other often. Once a year, twice if we are very lucky. Raising them as I did as a single parent made us closer than most families I've met. We were (and are) a fun family with as many similarities as differences.
I've been lucky in life, so far. I've known great love four times in my life and not so great love even more. I've been married three times and divorced three times. I've bore two wonderful children and been shown the way to raise many more. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back and love in my heart. My mind is made up and yet very open to suggestion, if its presented in intelligence and rational ways. Without resorting to fear or gas-lighting. I'm healthier than most but not in as good a shape as I should be. I worry about the world but not to the point of being paralyzed. I feel for the most part that basically I have many things in common with most of my fellow man. And I'm thankful that I do. I'm trying to remain positive in the face of much turmoil in my country and around the world. And I am hoping my fellow man feels this too, and will gather with their families during the next two months of holiday celebrations. No matter what your traditions are, (We like to eat a lot of good food and then play Spades and watch favorite TV shows or movies and laugh. There is always a lot of laughter.) I hope that your holidays are filled with love and surrounded by everyone you hold dear. And if you find yourself alone at anytime during the season, please reach out to me, for if you are reading this you know I'm your friend and will always, ALWAYS be there for you and answer. I understand loneliness and sometimes just needing someone else to hold your hand and tell you that's it's going to be alright. I understand how hard it is to just get some friends to really listen to your heart. I'm really good at listening to peoples hearts. I think it's because I ignore my own so much, that I understand how important it is to really listen to it and help it help your mind to great epiphany. I understand what great loss is and perhaps that's why I'm so thankful for what I have in my life.
I leave with this, no matter your traditions or religions this time of year remember we have one thing in common, all religions are about love. So if we all just choose love, we'll be alright.
Cheers
Sunday, November 13, 2016
They Call Me A Liberal and A Feminist LIke Its A Bad Thing?
Earlier this week I had some flashes into creativity with ideas for my blog this week. Ideas that came fast and furious as I responded to friends status on social media about the election. I should have written them down, because they would have been better then this crap I'm typing today.
Last week brought about a lot of changes on my social media, and I'm sure there will be more to come. I've tried talking to my friends that were/are Trump supporters and educate them on why we are protesting. How little it has to do with Hillary Clinton and how much it has to do with how afraid we are of his supporters. Supporters that have allied themselves with him. Endorsed him. I had to hide one of my Trump supporter friends, actually more than one, after she decided to enter into a conversation on my wall with democrats. We tried to get her to listen to our side but was bombarded by one liners and name calling. She wasn't even trying to listen. Most aren't really listening to me this last week. I'm amazed at how many treat my statements of belief or way of life as a stupidity. They have called me everything from a dirty liberal to a feminist that needs her pussy grabbed. This became a repeated scene for me throughout the week. Either aimed at a friend of mine or at me directly. Name calling, and bullying, just like our President Elect Trump, did in his rallies.
As another blocked friend this week is fond of saying, "and before you go off on me. . " I know not all Trump supporters are racist and sexist and anti LGBTQ, but there sure to seem to be a lot of them about that are. And they are the ones that scare us. We understand that Trump can't do all he promised he will alone, nor does any President ever get everything they want done and it's set up like that to protect us.
So while I'm still very disappointed in my countries choice for President, I am hopeful that anyone that stands with true human rights for all humans no matter their color, gender or preference, will start to stand up for what they want America to really be. I hope we will take the time we are using to protest, to volunteer at one of the benefits and freedoms that may soon be gone. Like Planned Parenthood, or Food Pantry's and Homeless Shelters Nation wide. I know as Democrats we don't have much money to donate but those of us that do, should. To every LGBTQ fundraiser or awareness march. To AIDS research. To anything that will send a signal back to Washington, and do it in Trump and Pence's name. Let them get the certificates in mass, of the money we are putting into saving our choices. While I do believe in peaceful protest I think the time for that is past done and we need to regroup and start making our voices heard in real ways.
Stop wearing the safety pin as a sign that you care and do something to prove it. Stop someone from harassing or bullying someone else. Never turn a blind eye toward a rape or abuse. If you feel safe strike up a conversation with the person being verbally abused or call the police but don't just walk away and feel like it's not your problem. Because it is your problem. We are all humans and we need to stop complaining and worrying about what is happening and do something to help the people it's happening to.
Hold your families close this holiday season. Talk openly about your differences if you have them and try to lovingly convince each other of the errors in accepting hate speech and bullying. How words matter and how they can lead to physical violence. And if you are not the majority in your family, let them know you hope they are right that a better America will happen, but just in case it doesn't what's the family plan for leaving? How bad does it have to get before your family, like the Von Trapp family from The Sound Of Music fame, decide to leave because they can do no more good? Have a system of Def-con One - Four. With what each Def-con means and what our family will do when that happens. Where you will meet. Like a fire drill. Then watch the news. Not the news on TV, the media on line. Watch all of it from the sites you trust to the ones you know are lying. Watch to see what is being reported and what is ignored. Watch and see where the media is fanning flames instead of putting them out. And be prepared to fight or flee.
I believe my country is seeing the beginnings of a great new divide. A very visible one that wont get swept under the carpet again. I'm waiting to see what our Archduke Ferdinand moment will be. What small news event will send the world staggering into another WW. And I believe, in this fight, no matter how much you'd like to think you can be in the middle and be a person of peace and intellect and not take a side, you won't be able to do this. You will have to take a side and then be prepared to fight and lose possibly everything for that belief. This is what being a Patriot means. This is what it feels like to go against Christians that have sold their soul to the devil and never saw it coming. Real Christians couldn't possibly be for this much hate. No one that believes in love could be and isn't that what most all religions have in common? It's about love? The Evangelical, KKK, Skin Head movements that have all endorsed this president are not about love. And you only endorse someone that shares your beliefs. While he may not come right out and say he's for it, he pretends he doesn't know the leaders of these movements, and if he doesn't know the leaders of these movements in his own country how can we trust him to know the leaders of other 'movements' or country leaders? How can he be presidential when he doesn't act presidential? Why is he giving his VP so much power? More each day. You know the answer. He doesn't want to do the job. He want's to be Chairman of the Board of the county with his VP being CEO. Well isn't that just peachy for all of us that Pence openly hates. Kind of reminds me of Hitler and Himmler, who was in charge of the Gestapo for Hitler and was the second most powerful man in Germany during the Holocaust. I wonder exactly how much of the job of being President, Trump will do? Will he be the first president of our country to be only the face of our nation, making memorized public speeches and appearing in public in the 'role of the President 'while Pence runs the country? It's a great fear, for in my mind he is much worse. But all of this now is just worry, and I already said we need to stop that and get up and do something.
So I'm here searching my city for things I can do to help. Waiting for invitations to like minded sites where peaceful marches will be planned and hopefully carried out peacefully. Here I sit watching for a sign of where to throw my dirty liberal and grabbed feminist pussy into the ring.
Last week brought about a lot of changes on my social media, and I'm sure there will be more to come. I've tried talking to my friends that were/are Trump supporters and educate them on why we are protesting. How little it has to do with Hillary Clinton and how much it has to do with how afraid we are of his supporters. Supporters that have allied themselves with him. Endorsed him. I had to hide one of my Trump supporter friends, actually more than one, after she decided to enter into a conversation on my wall with democrats. We tried to get her to listen to our side but was bombarded by one liners and name calling. She wasn't even trying to listen. Most aren't really listening to me this last week. I'm amazed at how many treat my statements of belief or way of life as a stupidity. They have called me everything from a dirty liberal to a feminist that needs her pussy grabbed. This became a repeated scene for me throughout the week. Either aimed at a friend of mine or at me directly. Name calling, and bullying, just like our President Elect Trump, did in his rallies.
As another blocked friend this week is fond of saying, "and before you go off on me. . " I know not all Trump supporters are racist and sexist and anti LGBTQ, but there sure to seem to be a lot of them about that are. And they are the ones that scare us. We understand that Trump can't do all he promised he will alone, nor does any President ever get everything they want done and it's set up like that to protect us.
So while I'm still very disappointed in my countries choice for President, I am hopeful that anyone that stands with true human rights for all humans no matter their color, gender or preference, will start to stand up for what they want America to really be. I hope we will take the time we are using to protest, to volunteer at one of the benefits and freedoms that may soon be gone. Like Planned Parenthood, or Food Pantry's and Homeless Shelters Nation wide. I know as Democrats we don't have much money to donate but those of us that do, should. To every LGBTQ fundraiser or awareness march. To AIDS research. To anything that will send a signal back to Washington, and do it in Trump and Pence's name. Let them get the certificates in mass, of the money we are putting into saving our choices. While I do believe in peaceful protest I think the time for that is past done and we need to regroup and start making our voices heard in real ways.
Stop wearing the safety pin as a sign that you care and do something to prove it. Stop someone from harassing or bullying someone else. Never turn a blind eye toward a rape or abuse. If you feel safe strike up a conversation with the person being verbally abused or call the police but don't just walk away and feel like it's not your problem. Because it is your problem. We are all humans and we need to stop complaining and worrying about what is happening and do something to help the people it's happening to.
Hold your families close this holiday season. Talk openly about your differences if you have them and try to lovingly convince each other of the errors in accepting hate speech and bullying. How words matter and how they can lead to physical violence. And if you are not the majority in your family, let them know you hope they are right that a better America will happen, but just in case it doesn't what's the family plan for leaving? How bad does it have to get before your family, like the Von Trapp family from The Sound Of Music fame, decide to leave because they can do no more good? Have a system of Def-con One - Four. With what each Def-con means and what our family will do when that happens. Where you will meet. Like a fire drill. Then watch the news. Not the news on TV, the media on line. Watch all of it from the sites you trust to the ones you know are lying. Watch to see what is being reported and what is ignored. Watch and see where the media is fanning flames instead of putting them out. And be prepared to fight or flee.
I believe my country is seeing the beginnings of a great new divide. A very visible one that wont get swept under the carpet again. I'm waiting to see what our Archduke Ferdinand moment will be. What small news event will send the world staggering into another WW. And I believe, in this fight, no matter how much you'd like to think you can be in the middle and be a person of peace and intellect and not take a side, you won't be able to do this. You will have to take a side and then be prepared to fight and lose possibly everything for that belief. This is what being a Patriot means. This is what it feels like to go against Christians that have sold their soul to the devil and never saw it coming. Real Christians couldn't possibly be for this much hate. No one that believes in love could be and isn't that what most all religions have in common? It's about love? The Evangelical, KKK, Skin Head movements that have all endorsed this president are not about love. And you only endorse someone that shares your beliefs. While he may not come right out and say he's for it, he pretends he doesn't know the leaders of these movements, and if he doesn't know the leaders of these movements in his own country how can we trust him to know the leaders of other 'movements' or country leaders? How can he be presidential when he doesn't act presidential? Why is he giving his VP so much power? More each day. You know the answer. He doesn't want to do the job. He want's to be Chairman of the Board of the county with his VP being CEO. Well isn't that just peachy for all of us that Pence openly hates. Kind of reminds me of Hitler and Himmler, who was in charge of the Gestapo for Hitler and was the second most powerful man in Germany during the Holocaust. I wonder exactly how much of the job of being President, Trump will do? Will he be the first president of our country to be only the face of our nation, making memorized public speeches and appearing in public in the 'role of the President 'while Pence runs the country? It's a great fear, for in my mind he is much worse. But all of this now is just worry, and I already said we need to stop that and get up and do something.
So I'm here searching my city for things I can do to help. Waiting for invitations to like minded sites where peaceful marches will be planned and hopefully carried out peacefully. Here I sit watching for a sign of where to throw my dirty liberal and grabbed feminist pussy into the ring.
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Daylight Saving Time - Fall Back To Real TIme
Clocks fell back an hour last night. I don't own any clocks that aren't tied into some higher artificial intelligence which magically turns all my clocks forward or back on their own. And before you go there, no I don't own a microwave. I've always hated daylight saving time in the spring when we spring forward. I much prefer it in the fall when we go back to real time. And I've often wondered how difficult is it for American's living in Arizona and Hawaii, where they don't observe the changing of the time, to conduct business with other states in the nation once this occurs. For them it's added math to know when NY is really awake and visa versa. I guess that's why Arizona and Hawaii are more vacation destinations than the hubs of Big Money. (cue RUSH song)
I hope on Tuesday our clocks don't fall back fifty years. I know I should be writing something important about the coming election but I'm all election-ed out already. I voted early, and while I'm sure it will be exciting and historic and tragically boring to watch the election results, I'm equally sure I'll be gaming at the same time or watching some show I missed on HBO or Netflix. Voting early it feels like it's done for me and I'm just waiting for results. I'm hoping it will be a landslide in favor of my personal choice but I'm fearful of the outcome of this election. No matter which way it goes.
It's split our country in a very real and perhaps dangerous way. I remember when Obama was elected for his first term and I heaved a happy sigh of relief and wondered if he would be assassinated. It seemed like so many underpaid white trash (my father one of them) were yelling that it couldn't have happened in their lifetime or country. I'm happy most of his prejudiced generation is gone, even if they were some of our best remembered vets. I had hoped when that generation was gone we would be left with hippies and a generation of love but you know there were just as many uneducated white trash from the sixties that fueled the civil war then as they are now...oh wait they just grew older and had kids they taught to hate and the cycle just continues. I don't blame Trumps podium rhetoric for creating this group of people, I blame him for making it easy for them to come out of the shadows and yell obscenities at us from the backs of pick up trucks again. I know it never really stopped but since Trump, its become even more frequent now. Easier for some people to say what they have been feeling all along. 'I guess if a guy running for President can be a bigot so can I.' Or so I imagine the logic of their thinking process must run. If you can say bigotry and lack of manners or upbringing has logic.
I worry about what happens if Trump wins? How much of his agenda will he be able to achieve towards running our country like a CEO. Which the President can't do with the checks and balances in place. But how many of them can he decree, by presidential veto or laws, into changing my America into his America? Or worse if Hillary wins will she be our first woman president and also assassinated? We've already heard Trump say he may not accept a Clinton victory making him the first person in the history of our country not to have a smooth takeover of power. What if there is a another civil war between the red and blue states over this election no matter which way it goes? Right now my family and loved ones live in blue states, but what happens if our country goes into a civil war over this? Will we see bloodshed over this as we did over the salves and industrial revolution?
This election has made me feel very old before my time. I'm so tired of disappointment in life, and now I feel a great disappointment in my country that almost half of them are full on voting for a man that I find as dangerous as Hitler. I wonder how long it takes to get a passport...
I hope on Tuesday our clocks don't fall back fifty years. I know I should be writing something important about the coming election but I'm all election-ed out already. I voted early, and while I'm sure it will be exciting and historic and tragically boring to watch the election results, I'm equally sure I'll be gaming at the same time or watching some show I missed on HBO or Netflix. Voting early it feels like it's done for me and I'm just waiting for results. I'm hoping it will be a landslide in favor of my personal choice but I'm fearful of the outcome of this election. No matter which way it goes.
It's split our country in a very real and perhaps dangerous way. I remember when Obama was elected for his first term and I heaved a happy sigh of relief and wondered if he would be assassinated. It seemed like so many underpaid white trash (my father one of them) were yelling that it couldn't have happened in their lifetime or country. I'm happy most of his prejudiced generation is gone, even if they were some of our best remembered vets. I had hoped when that generation was gone we would be left with hippies and a generation of love but you know there were just as many uneducated white trash from the sixties that fueled the civil war then as they are now...oh wait they just grew older and had kids they taught to hate and the cycle just continues. I don't blame Trumps podium rhetoric for creating this group of people, I blame him for making it easy for them to come out of the shadows and yell obscenities at us from the backs of pick up trucks again. I know it never really stopped but since Trump, its become even more frequent now. Easier for some people to say what they have been feeling all along. 'I guess if a guy running for President can be a bigot so can I.' Or so I imagine the logic of their thinking process must run. If you can say bigotry and lack of manners or upbringing has logic.
I worry about what happens if Trump wins? How much of his agenda will he be able to achieve towards running our country like a CEO. Which the President can't do with the checks and balances in place. But how many of them can he decree, by presidential veto or laws, into changing my America into his America? Or worse if Hillary wins will she be our first woman president and also assassinated? We've already heard Trump say he may not accept a Clinton victory making him the first person in the history of our country not to have a smooth takeover of power. What if there is a another civil war between the red and blue states over this election no matter which way it goes? Right now my family and loved ones live in blue states, but what happens if our country goes into a civil war over this? Will we see bloodshed over this as we did over the salves and industrial revolution?
This election has made me feel very old before my time. I'm so tired of disappointment in life, and now I feel a great disappointment in my country that almost half of them are full on voting for a man that I find as dangerous as Hitler. I wonder how long it takes to get a passport...
Sunday, October 30, 2016
The Dictator and the Pants Suit Queen
I was added to the best closed group a few days ago and once I spent some time in it I quickly added other women of like mind to join. I initially thought it was just for women, so I neglected to add any of the males on my friends list that think like me, but I might choose to amend that, I might not. You see it's been really nice to see my Facebook pop up with a heartfelt story about what it's like to be a woman today. So many of us fight the same battles each day. I've not shared any of my personal stories there, I don't feel a need, but I know if I did, it would be welcomed and not judged. Some of the men in the group have shared their stories of their sisters or mothers which has also been so uplifting. It's been a life saver to my sanity, as the election grows closer, and my Republican and Democrat friends keep posting meme upon meme of what they think is truth or humor.
Well, it's making my head spin. And I find my anxiety levels have risen just reading some of them not to mention the comments I get tagged in, which, because of my curiosity I have to read. The Soldier is a good example and I had to hide his stream for fear of letting my kind nature getting trampled by my feminist side that WILL NOT be pushed around any longer by any white male or female privilege. It's what will get me stabbed or shot in Chicago. Not moving out of the way of a younger white woman in the grocery store who believes she has the right of way, of the entire isle, only due to her pocketbook size. "I bet she dives the same way." I say under my breath. Or the white young man who wont move to the side to allow a much older woman lugging groceries in a pull cart behind her, obviously out of breath. Nope I just stand in his way and smile until he moves or gets the point. And it's not always young men. I've had men my age not move either. I always move for my elders. Always. But I was raised to respect my parents and anyone with more experience than I. Where have all the gentlemen and ladies gone? Do we not teach our children to respect our elders anymore? I know I taught mine to, and I know I teach every child I nanny that important behavior.
You see manners start young, and if they aren't enforced at a young age, like flossing, people just tend to skip it. I love the family I nanny for, they never treat me like a servant. I've been lucky none of the family's I've nannied for have. But I choose families to work for that I believe don't have the foggiest idea how to treat someone like a servant or grew up with servants and understand that we are people with our own families and not another possession. It's not hard to spot either, the families that will treat you like you don't matter. They usually have outlandish rules or no rules for their little ones and expect you to do EVERYTHING for their children so they don't have to raise them at all. I would never work for people that think this is the norm because I couldn't raise their children to be like them. Which is what you do as a nanny. You don't raise them to be like you or your kids. These rude, and I'm embarrassed of my race to say it, white people must never have been taught that they were wrong, or had to apologize when wrong or that the world doesn't owe them a god damned thing.
I can't imagine the country getting any better with Trump as president. I voted yesterday, by mail for the first time in my adult life. And it felt really good to take my ballot to the post office and send it on it's way. If Hillary isn't elected, I will be sad for my country. I might even have to consider leaving it for Mexico, as I can't afford Canada. Since I'm a white woman that doesn't look like Trumps wives and won't raise my hand in a very similar Nazi salute to his Orangness, I will be pushed under the bus just like all the people of color, or people of fluid genders, or people of every religion other than Christians, or people that get food stamps, or people that believe its a woman's right to choose, or men and women that are gay/lesbian or bi, or people that want water over oil, or people that are tired of war, or people that want our country to be respected world wide not hated because of our President. This election has turned into a moral one, and I know it's wrong to unfriend people because of political differences. That would be just like them, wouldn't it? So I don't. I hope and pray to the goddess that they might be swayed in the final moments to see the evil he is and how he has cloaked himself in lies and telling the public what it wants to hear rather than who he really is.
It's not to late to stand up for your gender, your race, your religion, and your culture and fight for what is right. No one is perfect, I'm not saying Hillary is but she's worlds more qualified for this job than he is. And if she doesn't win it will be another very obvious promotion an over qualified woman lost to an under qualified man, because he's a MAN.
Most of the friends I have that are Trump supporters have said they are voting for him because he's a man that speaks like a normal human without the political double talk. Or that he's not part of the machine so can't be corrupted like the rest. I say they are living a dream on that last one. Ultimate power always corrupts, ultimately. I don't care what your upbringing is. It's why our best and brightest don't want to run. They understand this principal and don't want to be tempted or see who they would turn into. And on the first part of that, listen to him in the debates, really listen to him talk, he says nothing. His extemporaneous speaking says nothing to answer any question put to him. It's just rhetoric designed to get the crowd going. He's an entertainer. A reality show host. A con artist businessman that has pulled the wool over so many peoples eyes in this country that I feel like the Germans and Polish in 1938 that didn't support Hitler. I'm actually amazed he's gotten this far.
I will, as an American, defend all of your rights to your own opinions on this election. For that is what free speech is all about. Please, respect mine.
Cheers
Well, it's making my head spin. And I find my anxiety levels have risen just reading some of them not to mention the comments I get tagged in, which, because of my curiosity I have to read. The Soldier is a good example and I had to hide his stream for fear of letting my kind nature getting trampled by my feminist side that WILL NOT be pushed around any longer by any white male or female privilege. It's what will get me stabbed or shot in Chicago. Not moving out of the way of a younger white woman in the grocery store who believes she has the right of way, of the entire isle, only due to her pocketbook size. "I bet she dives the same way." I say under my breath. Or the white young man who wont move to the side to allow a much older woman lugging groceries in a pull cart behind her, obviously out of breath. Nope I just stand in his way and smile until he moves or gets the point. And it's not always young men. I've had men my age not move either. I always move for my elders. Always. But I was raised to respect my parents and anyone with more experience than I. Where have all the gentlemen and ladies gone? Do we not teach our children to respect our elders anymore? I know I taught mine to, and I know I teach every child I nanny that important behavior.
You see manners start young, and if they aren't enforced at a young age, like flossing, people just tend to skip it. I love the family I nanny for, they never treat me like a servant. I've been lucky none of the family's I've nannied for have. But I choose families to work for that I believe don't have the foggiest idea how to treat someone like a servant or grew up with servants and understand that we are people with our own families and not another possession. It's not hard to spot either, the families that will treat you like you don't matter. They usually have outlandish rules or no rules for their little ones and expect you to do EVERYTHING for their children so they don't have to raise them at all. I would never work for people that think this is the norm because I couldn't raise their children to be like them. Which is what you do as a nanny. You don't raise them to be like you or your kids. These rude, and I'm embarrassed of my race to say it, white people must never have been taught that they were wrong, or had to apologize when wrong or that the world doesn't owe them a god damned thing.
I can't imagine the country getting any better with Trump as president. I voted yesterday, by mail for the first time in my adult life. And it felt really good to take my ballot to the post office and send it on it's way. If Hillary isn't elected, I will be sad for my country. I might even have to consider leaving it for Mexico, as I can't afford Canada. Since I'm a white woman that doesn't look like Trumps wives and won't raise my hand in a very similar Nazi salute to his Orangness, I will be pushed under the bus just like all the people of color, or people of fluid genders, or people of every religion other than Christians, or people that get food stamps, or people that believe its a woman's right to choose, or men and women that are gay/lesbian or bi, or people that want water over oil, or people that are tired of war, or people that want our country to be respected world wide not hated because of our President. This election has turned into a moral one, and I know it's wrong to unfriend people because of political differences. That would be just like them, wouldn't it? So I don't. I hope and pray to the goddess that they might be swayed in the final moments to see the evil he is and how he has cloaked himself in lies and telling the public what it wants to hear rather than who he really is.
It's not to late to stand up for your gender, your race, your religion, and your culture and fight for what is right. No one is perfect, I'm not saying Hillary is but she's worlds more qualified for this job than he is. And if she doesn't win it will be another very obvious promotion an over qualified woman lost to an under qualified man, because he's a MAN.
Most of the friends I have that are Trump supporters have said they are voting for him because he's a man that speaks like a normal human without the political double talk. Or that he's not part of the machine so can't be corrupted like the rest. I say they are living a dream on that last one. Ultimate power always corrupts, ultimately. I don't care what your upbringing is. It's why our best and brightest don't want to run. They understand this principal and don't want to be tempted or see who they would turn into. And on the first part of that, listen to him in the debates, really listen to him talk, he says nothing. His extemporaneous speaking says nothing to answer any question put to him. It's just rhetoric designed to get the crowd going. He's an entertainer. A reality show host. A con artist businessman that has pulled the wool over so many peoples eyes in this country that I feel like the Germans and Polish in 1938 that didn't support Hitler. I'm actually amazed he's gotten this far.
I will, as an American, defend all of your rights to your own opinions on this election. For that is what free speech is all about. Please, respect mine.
Cheers
Sunday, October 23, 2016
You Think You're Honest, But You're Not
I've reached a very content place in my life. My kids are grown and doing well. My career is one I love and while I'd much rather be wealthy and live the life of world traveler and benefactor, I'd not change it to any other. Raising children is the most rewarding thing I've ever done with my life and apparently raising my own wasn't enough. My love life is peaceful and honest, always, because I'm single. I have all the freedom in the world to do whatever I want whenever I want. And I do. Sometimes it's a day on the town to explore and be a tourist, and sometimes it's just enjoying my own company, for I do find that I like the lack of drama that comes with a life alone.
No more do I have to say 'it's fine or ok' when I'm biting back my real response or hiding from myself the truth of who I am. No more do I have to coddle a man's fragile ego while he stomps all over mine. No more do I have to try to find a way to pay the rent because he's spent that money on booze or drugs or the latest gaming cube, or other women. No more do I have to fulfill all of his fantasies while mine, while voiced, never happen. No more do I have to try to be his mother, wife and prostitute all rolled up into one. No more do I have to wonder after doing and becoming everything he desires, where he is at night, or who he's with. No more do I have to tell myself that he lies to everyone, except me, and believe it. No more do I have to wear my hair or clothes or anything for him and never for my sense of style. No more do I have to wonder how those other couples can be so happy doing this.
It's because they don't do this.
They are happy because they have found someone who loves them for exactly who they are not who they think they are. The biggest mistake you can make in any relationship is lying about who you are to be with someone. I know you think you know this already, I thought I knew it too. But it's why I am happier alone. I'm myself alone. But the minute you put a man in the mix with me I start to become who I know he needs. Who he's told me he desires. And while he becomes happy as a clam, for a while, I become less and less of who I am. Until I explode out of the shell I've become into who I really am.
I blame this chameleon ability on my vivid imagination which makes me a better writer, but not a better person. You see when you do this to yourself you are, of course, hurting yourself the most but you are also hurting the person you are trying most to please. Because the mask will fall along with the tears. And heartbreak should not feel like a constant companion.
Be true to yourself. No matter the cost. No matter what you lose along the way because you will gain more than peace of mind and mental health. You will gain your tribe of like minded people as you become who you are rather than who you think you need to be.
Cheers
No more do I have to say 'it's fine or ok' when I'm biting back my real response or hiding from myself the truth of who I am. No more do I have to coddle a man's fragile ego while he stomps all over mine. No more do I have to try to find a way to pay the rent because he's spent that money on booze or drugs or the latest gaming cube, or other women. No more do I have to fulfill all of his fantasies while mine, while voiced, never happen. No more do I have to try to be his mother, wife and prostitute all rolled up into one. No more do I have to wonder after doing and becoming everything he desires, where he is at night, or who he's with. No more do I have to tell myself that he lies to everyone, except me, and believe it. No more do I have to wear my hair or clothes or anything for him and never for my sense of style. No more do I have to wonder how those other couples can be so happy doing this.
It's because they don't do this.
They are happy because they have found someone who loves them for exactly who they are not who they think they are. The biggest mistake you can make in any relationship is lying about who you are to be with someone. I know you think you know this already, I thought I knew it too. But it's why I am happier alone. I'm myself alone. But the minute you put a man in the mix with me I start to become who I know he needs. Who he's told me he desires. And while he becomes happy as a clam, for a while, I become less and less of who I am. Until I explode out of the shell I've become into who I really am.
I blame this chameleon ability on my vivid imagination which makes me a better writer, but not a better person. You see when you do this to yourself you are, of course, hurting yourself the most but you are also hurting the person you are trying most to please. Because the mask will fall along with the tears. And heartbreak should not feel like a constant companion.
Be true to yourself. No matter the cost. No matter what you lose along the way because you will gain more than peace of mind and mental health. You will gain your tribe of like minded people as you become who you are rather than who you think you need to be.
Cheers
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