Look It UP! And while you're at it Look UP!

ALONE:  CORE MEANING:  A grammatical word meaning without any other person or thing nearby

Sub Meanings:  Without help from others.  Without company.  Unique in some respect.  Done without others.

LONELY:  Feeling alone.  Isolated.  Without companionship or support. 

Hum....I thought I was alone and lonely....but by the definition of both words that is simply not true.  I am never alone, without help from others...or without any thing nearby....nor am i without support from family and friends both near and far.

Lets try something else...something perhaps more accurate.

WALLOWING:  Roll in something.  Indulge in something excessively.  Have a huge amount of something.  Walk with difficulty. 

DEPRESSION: Sadness. Psychiatric disorder.  Economic slump.  Reduced activity. Hollow.  Low pressure area.

Ah...that seems more accurate.  And when looking up the conditions, it made me actually laugh a bit...I had not considered every meaning of depression,and wallowing, and in my present situation, made me smile and realize that i am indeed in a low pressure area, with reduced activity, which has created my economic slump and made me sad, and of course I have a huge amount of this emotion and am indulging in it excessively, almost to the point of rolling around in it, which makes walking difficult.  :D

What ever gets you through it, right?  I'm glad I still have a sense of humor.  And perhaps in the next couple of weeks a job that will help pay my bills.  I feel like i hit a significant ledge in the pit I threw myself into...I'm not at the bottom, although it felt like that was where I was headed when I started to fall...but I can see, now that I've stopped falling, there is a long way to go before the bottom, can't even see it from this ledge....

But now I have stared to look up, to find a way out, instead of looking down longingly into the deceptive, quiet, and dark depths of the pit.  As I look up I can see a hand hold from where I tried to climb out on Wednesday night, but slipped.  I think I'll start there, and keep going this time.  Always looking up, and keep trying.  Because yesterday was a good day.  Because I got out of bed, and tried.  Things went right, only because I tried.  I'm no longer swimming...I'm climbing now.  But you know I was always better at climbing mountains than swimming anyway.  

Cheers.

Keep Swimming!

Lately this is what I've heard from a lot of my friends, and it made me think about what that phrase means exactly.  Am I suppose to keep swimming even when I'm exhausted?  How about when the sharks are nipping at my toes?  Or when the waters get so rough that I feel like I'm not swimming at all but just being tossed about by the oceans of life?  Sure it's easy to swim for a while in calm waters, but even then, eventually, you need a boat, or piece of flotsam...something to hold on to.  No one gets through the river of life on their own.  We all have people we lean on, talk to, experience life's joys and downfalls with.  To tell someone you love to just 'keep swimming'....well that's good advice.  It is.  But I think it's more important to advise that and amend it with, 'you'll be there waiting for them on the dock when they arrive'.  With your hand out in friendship and love, to help in any way you can.  Because you know what they say about helping people?  You get it back tenfold.  It comes back to you when you need it most.

I'm having a difficult time getting my business built up to where I need it to support myself, so I'm looking for a part time job while I keep building my business, and I'm donating plasma to get some quick cash to pay all the people that want me to keep swimming, that I owe money to.  They aren't like my friends that want me to keep swimming because they love me.  They just want their money yesterday.

In my past I've had the opportunity or luck to be the person on the dock, holding out my hand, and wallet, to help friends, or lovers in need.  And I would do it again, then or now, if i could.  And one of my friends has opened his wallet to help me.  I didn't even have to ask, he just did it.  He could afford to, and remembered a time when he couldn't and I was there.  I'm so grateful for friends like this.  I've had some other offers of meals and such from newer friends.  I'm hoping I never have to call in any old markers, but I will if I see that I'm about ready to fall to far behind.  And this will be very difficult for me, as I'm not one to ask for help.  Even this blog is difficult, but as with all of my blog topics, I figured, "hey, in this economy, there are bound to be others of you out there going through this, and having the same difficulty."

So if you are unemployed or underemployed and you need help, but you can't find the words....or maybe you just have never been in this situation before, you've always been the mom, or dad and helped everyone....swallow that pride, put on your big girl pants, get your big girl glass, invite your family and friends into your problems, like they do you.  Be open and honest with the situation, have a plan of attack to make the situation better, and ask your loved ones for help.  It will surprise you how many loved ones you have that are willing to lend you money to help you get back on your feet.  And it shouldn't matter if your downfall was related to the economy, or bad decisions or even a mistake.  We all fall from time to time.  We all need a hand up.  And most of us would rather have the hand up then the hand out.

So yes.  Keep swimming, if the sharks are biting, if the waters are too rough, and if you are too tired.  But keep swimming.  Don't let life get you to give up and drown, because then there is truly nothing...then it is game over.  And while that might sound pleasant, it is nothing....absolutely nothing....something we can't even imagine, because our minds won't let us. The closest thing is sleep without dreaming, which...guess what?  you can't remember.

This is the only life we get.  This is our only chance to be happy and have the life we want.  Make it count.  Make the right choices for your happiness, because if you don't you can be sure no one else will.

Happy Mother's Day!

Since it's Mother's Day today, and being a mother I have a lot to do today before my kids get here to shower me with their love and give me the best presents they could ever give me. TIME.  Time with them.  Just them, and me.  Like we were for many, many years as I raised them as a single parent.

Its funny how much you take for granted your busy times together when they are little.  Running to show choir competitions, or orchestra performances...oh and all those Christmas shows from kindergarten on.  And the academic competitions as well,...some of those were my favorites. All the things you make time for as a mom, to support your busy children.  You might even complain a bit that you have to put off your social calender for them.  But you know what?  Now that they are grown, and have as busy a life as any adult, you want those moments back.  You actually miss them.  Even the ones that made you smile sleepily from your bed, as you heard the TV come on on Saturday mornings for cartoons, and the suspicious sounds of cupboards being opened and some sort of child-like-version of breakfast being served.

I know I wasn't always the best text book mom.  I wasn't the mom that had bacon and eggs and pancakes every morning before the school bus arrived.  I was the mom grabbing toast, poptarts, and coffee, backpacks, briefcases, and children and running for the bus or car.  But we always had fun.  Life under my roof was an adventure.  An adventure in growing up together.  They learned about how to love film and music and books at my knee, or beside me.  I shared with them my loves in life.  All the things and people I was passionate about.  And I also was very open with them about problems that came up.  Maybe too open, but as a single parent that happens a lot..  And while their little shoulders may not have been large enough to support those financial issues, we always pulled together as a family.  And it made them better prepared for real life at an early age.  I'm all for letting kids be kids as long as possible, but I also think that if you teach them young about what real life is about, they will make fewer mistakes as young adults.

I was a young mom, and grew up with my son, which was an eye opening experience and when my daughter came along I got to grow up some more with her.  But they and their friends keep me young.  As I remember it was our house they all liked to hang out at, to play video games (Nintendo 64!) or card/board games (RISK, Spades), and yes, even....D&D.  I'm proud to say some of their first gaming experiences were with me and I'm still in their adult gaming group to this day.  I must have done something right.  Their friends all call me 'Momma Jill'  and I love that.  Hell even some of my friends that are the same age as my kids, call me Momma Jill.  Its an honor I wear proudly.  For I understand what it means when a young person calls you mom.  Its not an honor just given to someone old enough to be one.  You really do have to earn it.  I love and respect all my kids.  And where ever you are today, hug your mom.  She is a strong pillar in your life, a hand you could always count on to be there, and a shoulder to lean on...but you know what?  I'll tell you a secret....no matter how much of a superhero you think your mom was, she is human.  And she had moments of real sadness and worry just like you.  And if you are grown up, so is she.  And if you ever need a hug, I bet she does to.

So...pick up the phone, get in the car, grab a bus or plane, and get your ass home!  and if that doesn't work, remember what Bill Cosby use to say, "I brought you into this world....I can take you out!"

Love to all my kids...both near and far.

A Rainy And Retrospective Weekend

The full moon this weekend was a super full moon.  Which means our moon was the closest it will be to Earth all year, and why the moon looked so much brighter and larger in the sky.  And it was beautiful.  I saw it briefly around 2 am on Friday and much earlier as I looked out my bedroom window on Saturday night.  It rained most of the weekend...off and on, and when it was on... it was real rain.  Not just sprinkles, but enough to need an umbrella or a good pair of running shoes. :)

And this super full moon...a scorpion moon,  was in my romantic house...as a cancer...whatever that means.  Well, it kind of means that if you are a cancer too, then you were in full out, fired up, romantic, do me moods.  And probably if left to your own devices got into or had the potential to get into a lot of trouble this weekend.  Guess what I did?

I stayed home.  LOL

Well, kind of.....on Saturday I stayed home...

I went to see The Adventures on midnight Thursday, and it was WONDERFUL!  Best Hulk EVER.  And Iron Man is still THE MAN!  Go Robert Downey, Jr.!  And as with trivia on Wednesday night, I was sober.  I had not had a drink all week since last Friday's misadventures.  And I hadn't missed it.  I thought I might because these friends I do drink with weekly.  But I had just as much fun sober.  That's a good sign, both for my ability to prove to myself that I can have fun without spending a lot of money or drinking all the time.  I've always been a social drinker.  And I wasn't sure I'd have as much fun or be as fun without it.  I was happily wrong.  And on Friday was with a friend who wanted to party, and said he'd even pick me up and bring me home so I could.  And I went, and only had 1 and half beers.  Reminded me of high school and cruising in the "Green Dragon"--"Hey, Bobby, Can you finish this beer for me?" -- And I had a blast, hanging out, watching movies and playing computer games.  So again I was able to stop hiding and beating myself up for my mistake and realize that while I was not drunk when arrested, I had violated a traffic law by not stopping until the light was green.  But to emotionally destroy myself for that mistake, from the embarrassment of arrest, is and was wrong.  After all this will hopefully all go away, and if it doesn't, while I don't believe in "a plan" and nothing is "meant to be", I will have to look at it as a learning experience.  As with all of my life journey.

With gaming tonight, I should see almost everyone I love this weekend...that I can see...those of you that know I love you and are far away, are excused. But with this powerful full super moon, in a romantic house I was well...see mood description above....Also a good reason for staying in on Saturday night...I realized something else.  With the always noticeable absence of my current romantic interest, I like my life, and myself.  While some may argue, that I'm being self destructive, I'm just having my 20's now....My single life that I denied myself in marrying so young, and staying married throughout my 20's and half of my 30's.  So while it may look like I'm being reckless and living dangerously at a time in my life when I should know better....try to remember what you were like in your 20's.  (my ex husbands are exempt because they are my age and well...were married to me then too, eh?)  And understand that I may be taking some chances and having some fun, but I also have more experience and brains because of that experience than I had in my 20's.  I just need to remember to USE said brains.
Cheers.  

My Life Is Imitating A Movie And It Is NOT A Romantic Comedy!

Friday night I had a once in a life time experience and it is not one I ever want to have again.  The evening started off with a surprise birthday party for a friend on my trivia team and it was a great event.  Lots of his friends coming and going, lots of free drinks and lots of great conversation and people watching.  I had provided transportation for a mutual friend that was trying to not drink and drive....a lesson I should have payed more attention to.

As 12:30 am approached and we all started having visions of bacon and pancakes we decided to take a couple of cars to a local restaurant for some food.  I, being more sober than my passengers, took the wheel with my usual confidence....over confidence as it turned out.

And on my way to said restaurant, my passenger that was trying to be good, reminded me that he wanted to go home.  The light was red, and I had stopped, and nothing was coming so I proceeded.  Like a stupid idiot, I broke the law.  And within maybe five seconds more red lights and pretty blue ones, were in my rear-view mirror.  A sight no one likes when sober, but everyone hates when slightly tipsy.  Which I was.
The officer asked me the usual questions, where I had been, where I was going, and if I owned the vehicle.  Then, the dreaded pause...and, the statement, not question, "step out of the car, miss"

You know it's bad when they call you miss when you are older.  The birthday boy sighs, 'oh great.' and the passenger in the back, well, he  is looking at me as if he is experiencing his worst nightmare all  over again.
I felt almost like I was having an 'out of body experience' as I tried to pass the field sobriety test.  And i did pretty well with the walking and the alphabet, and the following the finger with my eyes.  I couldn't balance on one foot, but i have difficulty doing that sober anymore. Yoga is not my friend, and I was a bit surprised that my body was not responding like it use too.  This is where the night starts to turn into a sit com.  I kept thinking, 'I know I can do this if I try harder.'  HA!  The officer had to tell me the test was over.  But I suddenly felt like Elaine in Sienfield.  "No...I can do this".  They smiled.  You know that smile you give old people that you feel sorry for but kind of like.  I knew then I obviously need to get back to a gym.

Then I got to give my first blow....on the breath test you dirty minded people.  And then the movie turned into a Crime Drama, I actually heard the "bing-bing" sound from that CSNY or whatever show it is.  You know the sound.  As the officers, all three of them, crowded around my tests talking together in whispers.
Then one of them came over to me, actually the cutest one, and said, "put your hands behind your back" and they cuffed me.  I have to admit that was HOT.  And led me away from my friends who were looking at me from the windows of my car like stranded puppies at the pet store that no one wanted.  My heart went out to them, as the remaining two officers got them out of my car, grabbed my purse and parked my car in a safe place.  I believe they also got my friends a taxi, but I'm not too sure on that.  As we approached the squad car, my movie in my head suddenly turned to porn as the officer said the best line of the night.  "Can you lean up against my car and spread your legs?" (Oh BOY!  CAN I!)

Now for those of you that know me personally I know you can see the expression that crossed my face and you also know that it took EVERY OUNCE of my self control NOT to cock off, at this point.  This is why I need an attorney, so that does not come out in court.  For as my best friend said to me when I told her this story, "Your Honor, may I respectfully tell the court that this lady actually has a real sense of humor." So rare in this day in age, but true, I do.  And someday it will either get me burned at the stake, shot, or in jail.  So biting my tongue I did as I was told, for the next hour and a half, I answered questions, did breath tests, and actually made the officers laugh and was talking politics with them.  They are as afraid of the presidential choices as me, but that's another blog.  And here is where my movie changed again from porn back to Seinfield, as only me and Jerry could get away with sit com in handcuffs.

While all this was going on my drunk friends were texting some more sober than us and one sober one that had been with us, and my phone, in my purse, in the hallway, was exploding with texts from said friend.  The officers noticed and smiled at me, knowing my network of friends was already alerted to my situation and on their way to help.  I love them.  And would mention them, but I don't name drop in my blog.  They 'officially' told me I could call on my cell as many people as I needed to to get a ride, or just let them know when to expect the one that was texting.  And I did, and well, they came!  As promised, and I was never happier to see the three of them in my life.  They were so nice, to take me to my car and drive my car home for me, at 3 in the morning.

Now this is public record in my state, so I'm not hurting my case or saying anything that I won't be telling my boss tomorrow.  This is also the first time in my life I have ever been caught for anything and arrested so I was scared, and I still am about what may happen.  I will tell you, that I was not at the legal limit for arrest, below it actually.  I think this is why the officers let me go with a sober ride, instead of making me stay there over night.  And because this was my first offence...on anything.  I'm obviously not a reckless person in the laws eyes.  But I am in my own now.  Did you feel that shift?... I did.  But I was glad that my movie changed from porn to Sienfield.  Oh and the other Sienfield moment, might come on my court date, because now two of us have the same court day and we were both rescued by the same people, so I can see them, in court that morning, with a bucket of popcorn and a bag of twizzlers watching the drama with great big smiles.

Now I'm hiding.  I'm afraid I'm being watched all the time.  I see cops everywhere now.  And I KNOW it's just me being paranoid, but it still feels like a Sienfield moment.  I know I need to be more careful and smarter.  This was a good thing, as far as wake up calls go.  And believe me, if your intent is to comment as if you were my parent and 'beat me up' verbally, go for it.  I've already done more damage there than you ever could.  I'm much harder on myself than I am on you, as a child, friend or lover.  Remember that....in whichever category you happen to fall into in my life.  But if you want to comment with support or advice, please also go for it.

Let me take this opportunity topublicaly thank my wonderful network of friends both that night/morning, and the real morning after three hours of sleep, when the concerned, "what happened?" texts and instant messages came from concerned friends regarding my facebook stauts.  The friends from Pat concerts that cared were unexpected and so welcomed. I have been blessed with more caring and loving hearts then I knew I had.  And for those of you that are angry right now that I didn't personally share this with you, when you also may have missed my status or thought, if it's important she will tell me....well, I guess you know now that I don't always talk about things that are going on...with everyone.  Some things are hard to talk about without someone asking first.  And with a few of you, well, I just trust you so completely that I had to tell you.  And while that same group thinks I should get out and have some fun this weekend, with a driver, of course.  I just am not ready to be out around people, even all of you that love me and care.  I just am too embarrassed that I made this stupid mistake.  Not just disobeying the traffic law, that was just dumb and impatient.  But more importantly getting behind the wheel when I knew I was questionable.  This will not happen again.  (I can't say never, because I know what happens when you say never....Fate is a bitch about that.)

So if you are disappointed in me after reading this, you are not alone, I am too.  And with time and talking to the attorney, I'll feel better about myself.  Let this be a lesson to you.  They can ticket and arrest you for being buzzed, not legally drunk, it happened to me.  Be smart, and careful.

Oh and as a side note, I think this proved my oft heard statement that my kids saved my life.  Getting married and pregnant young made me stop this kind of behavior while I raised them.  So I guess I need to either get married and have more kids so I am responsible, or hook up with someone with kids already that I can help raise...hum...I like that idea better somehow.

"Life is a unique combination of "want to" and "how to" and we need to give equal attention to both.~Jim Rhon

It has been a rather uneventful week.  Work wise things fell into place for this coming week.  Learning to live by commission is difficult, and it takes a lot of discipline.  Discipline that I don't think I had in my twenties.  Discipline to not spend every dime, and save for the 'what if' something goes wrong, months.  And for taxes next year.  My 'want to' is to be successful at this goal, my 'how to' is my self discipline.

Self discipline is the hardest thing I do for myself on a daily basis.  No matter what I'm facing.  Work, love life, partying life.  I work hard and I party hard.  This is my choice and I'm happy with it.  Because my business is rolling, I'm getting more and more busy during the day.  I could pretty much be guaranteed to be able to fit in a lunch date or re arrange my work calendar to fit in a social event. But my 'want to' is becoming more and more difficult to accomplish.  My mind tries to plan a 'how to', but the plans usually fall through.  This is a huge inconvenience.  There is one special person in my life that I may not get to see much anymore, and this saddens me.  I can't figure out a 'how to'.

But such is life, and life has a way of putting obstacles in your path to see what is really important to you.  What you really need.  And while I believe I need him in my life, and want to spend time with him, if I couldn't it would not destroy me.  Because I believe I know both our hearts and time and distance will not change feelings.  Not time and distance alone.  They help, but they are not the culprits.  No the real culprit is self discipline.

I came to a decision a couple of weeks ago after the best date of my entire life, and it is this.  I'd rather be alone than be without him.  And I know this will probably drive him away, I can't help what I feel, and refuse to try.  My love for him will remain until it doesn't.  And I know nothing is forever.  Although these feelings, as they always do, feel like they will be around forever, only time will tell.  And as a self discipline test of my affections for him I decided that no matter how much I was tempted, I would not bring a 'toy' home with me after the Pat concert...which I have done in the past.  I told myself and the universe that I would be good, and content in the love I feel for him and see if I found it difficult at all.  If I was going to be tempted it would be there.  With all the drinking and joyous vibes that surround the usual Pat concert..

Of course I ran into a 'toy', Crisis.  And he was not up front with us as he usually is, and didn't make any effort to even say hello to me, we literally ran into each other in a doorway, hugged and said hi, and moved on. just like that, it was over. It felt like he was hoping I wouldn't notice he was there.  And I wasn't even upset.  Had I had any real emotion for Crisis I would have been.  And while I've felt completely indifferent to my 'toys' for a while now, it felt good that the universe was helping me with my decision.  I also need to say I was not a flirt last night.  And I usually am.  So part of me is afraid that I've 'turned it off' again as my daughter-in-law might accuse me of.  And she might be right.  But if that's the case....then it's over my love for him.

Strangely enough, it wouldn't be the first time I've hidden for decade over wanting to be alone if I can't have my hearts desire.  Now if you are a constant reader you know I like change, and growth.  And this seems like a habit....like self discipline is a habit....but is this a good habit for me?  Is it time again to be the hermit?  Will my memories of us get me through a busy time, without my 'crazy girl brain' being my worst enemy?
I wonder.

Never Say Never - It just tempts Fate

Thunder storms are one of the most romantic sounds I know, and last night my dreams must have been effected by them.  I was rewarded with the most wonderful dream of him, here beside me.  Cuddled together in my gynormous bed....we barely need use half of it.  In the dreams I can see him so vividly, and remember his touch so accurately, that when I awake, I'm surprised I'm not still kissing him.  The pale muted light that colors everything here a tone of gray further blankets my emotions and I fall blissfully back to sleep to miraculously continue dreaming of us.  Only now we are in public and can't stop touching each other...

A secret desire  manifest full blown in my subconscious?  Perhaps.  I've had this dream before.  It's familiar to me.  It's why I remember so much of it, repetition.  I've looked up the symbolization enough to know what it means.  I've actually had this dream with different partners, at different times in my life.  So while this may seem like a wonderful dream to you, to me it is both, euphoria and despair.  For me it means that I might not be breaking the patterns that I think I am.  Which is not growth.  And you know I'm a huge fan of growth.
That's what I know.

What I can't deny?
I'm happy.
I really am.
I know I shouldn't be.
I know I don't deserve to be.
I know I don't deserve you.
I know you will never be mine.
I don't care, because I love you.
I can't choose whom I love.
I can't turn off what I feel.
I won't wait.
I won't disappear.
I will be here.

Everything gets very clear when what you can't deny is also what you know.  Like for me, right now.  It all becomes not only what you know, but who you are.  It's almost like you can hear the chink as another piece of who you are is realized in your ego.  And that is growth!  And that is change.  And that is always good.  Even if it makes things seem more difficult, in reality they just got easier.

Live who you are, and what you know.  It's really all you can do.  Stop fighting with yourself over who you are, and just embrace who you are, as you grow and change.  We've heard it all before, life is a journey.  Don't be a passenger in your own life, be the driver.  Live.  Love.  Laugh.  Its a beautiful day to be alive!