Moving On

Its a strange feeling to me to be involved with a man that cares so much about what I'm feeling.  How I'm handling my issues, and not be completely involved in only his own drama, or issues.  I'm not saying that he is not involved in his own stuff, just that he has enough love and compassion and real caring for me, to be able to put that aside when I need him to, and help me with mine.  And since he loves me, my emotions effect his, dramatically.   This is something that I'm used to doing for everyone else, putting my emotions aside, but I'm not used to someone doing for me.  I find it much easier to be there for him because of this one, easy and gentle reaction to my intense explosions.  And because he has found the trigger to unlocking my trust and deep devotion, my explosions are becoming less frequent and less intense.  This is a very good thing.  And something I've been searching for in a man for many, many years.  I feel connected to him no matter where we are.  Together or apart, it still feels very much as if we are moving toward the same goals of discovery.  I believe I am a better person with him in my life.  More centered, more fair, less willing to jump in anger, or allow my 'knee jerk' opinions, as he calls them, invaded my rational thoughts.  I can't say I've ever been this comfortable with a man before, this trusting.  And while I've been close in the past, I've never gotten past a mark of trust with men to let them in this deeply.  Until now.  The mutual trust, open honest love and respect that I feel for him and that I know he feels for me is unrivaled in my past.  And while I must admit that I've had some recent close contenders in the last few years, they didn't quite love me enough to find the strength to stay with me...learn together, and grow with me like this man is doing.  I feel truly blessed and as if nothing can stop me.  I feel like the confidence I was born with, before all the destruction of my childhood could dampen it, has been reignited.  Like a campfire that you know is out, but the breeze sparks a dying ember back to life.  I feel alive again.  Ready and able to live my life with no regrets.  Finally. I can breathe.  

Cheers.

You Grok?

Communication - the exchange of information between people, e.g. by means of speaking, writing, or using a common system of signs or behavior.

Access - a means of access or communication, e.g. a connecting door

Rapport - a sense of mutual understanding and sympathy

WE ALL need more of this in our lives and we all need to practice this as humans.  I'm trying to understand why I am so misunderstood in my life.  In the way I communicate.  I know that everyone sometimes has this issue.  During their work day, or personal life and some days it just doesn't matter what you say or do, you are perceived incorrectly.  I am dealing with a life where I feel misunderstood every day, at least once, by someone that touches my life.  And its becoming quite alarming to me.

I remember years ago, when a tarot reader that I trust was doing a reading for me, and she said, "Oh, how unfortunate someone so loving is so misunderstood."  And I smiled because I knew she was the real deal, only I have ever felt like that, but she saw it in the cards.  She saw a lot that day that came to be, however I didn't believe her then.

I find that I have to become more and more quiet to be understood.  How ironic is that?  I know, I'm sarcastic, but it is funny.  I am understood only when reflecting what others want to see, what others think they see.  Every time, I love someone enough to let them in to see me, as I am learning from them, I become misunderstood.  So I can only believe that its because they suddenly don't like to see their reflection back on them.  hum....and yet I always change for them, by choice.

As people come and go in your lives you develop an almost empathetic connection to them.  You can see what you need to do to attain and keep their love, and you choose to either do this, and grow or decide that that is not who you want to be and move on.  This is what growing in love is all about.  This is what being in a committed relationship is all about.

This is why no one else can ever split two people in love apart.  Because they choose to grow together and communicate an access to rapport.  This is what I believe I have found, and what I will always strive for in a relationship.  Honest communication to understanding.

You grok?

Bastille Day Birthday!

Another year gone, and I don't feel any different.  I've said this many years, and maybe that's why I feel good every morning when I wake up and know I have another chance at life, another chance at a perfect day.  Or maybe it's because I finally found the man of my dreams.  It took long enough!  Here I am celebrating my 51st birthday, listening to RUSH's Bastille Day in my head, because he is quietly dozing beside me.  I'd say I love this man, but sometimes that word seems so over used, and small for the enormous feelings that bubble up inside me whenever I see his smile.  (I'm a romantic sap, I know, but I don't care)

I was reading http://www.postsecret.com/ this morning and a card about cheating and revenge caught my heart and mind.  It was the one that said, "When my boyfriend of nearly four years cheated on me with a close friend, I was devastated....So I did what any mature adult would do.  I saved all my pee in a water bottle.  Waited a couple of days for it to get nice and smelly. Then poured into the ac intake of her vehicle.  It makes me feel good knowing every she's hot she's going to smell my piss."  I find this very immature and foolish.  Whoever this person is, she is lying to herself about who to be the most angry at.  I'm not saying that her close friend was innocent, but her boyfriend had a stronger commitment to her than her girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong here, I've been on both sides of this issue, and I can say with a completely open heart and mind, that anytime a boyfriend or husband cheated on me, I blamed the boyfriend or husband, NOT the woman they cheated with.  Why? Well that's simple.  The woman may not have known he was taken, men do lie about this, you know?  And the commitment they had with me and the love they had with me should have been enough to keep them in my  bed.  When someone cheats on you they do you a favor.  That's right, a huge favor.  They are showing you that you don't matter to them.  That you can do better.  That you are easily replaced.  And that what they felt, while it may have been real, is dead now.  (aside on this last one, is that you probably felt something was wrong too, but put blinders on instead of looking at the issues and solving them to help fix the relationship BEFORE the cheating started.....love is blind).

The best thing you can do is not revenge, for that keeps you bound to someone that doesn't matter anymore.  The best thing you can do is move on, and realize that you deserve to be treated better than this.  You deserve to be treated the same way that you treat others.  And the worse thing about revenge, is that they will just laugh at your silly antics.  Laugh together, while holding each other and hoping you will be better soon.  Pity.  That's the emotion you will generate with revenge.  And pity is close to hate.  And none of us want to be remembered with hate.

So the next time you find yourself in a position of wanting revenge remember these tips:
1.  Give a person enough rope and they will hang themselves.  (you can then laugh at them)
2.  Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.  (allows you to keep an eye on them, and again a possibility of laughing)
3.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  (wow...old but still great advice.)
4.  Please believe your own self worth and you will make better choices in all facets of your life.

I'm off to celebrate my birthday with my family and friends.  Cheers.

Musicals - Give Em A Try!

Everyone has their guilty pleasures, mine is Broadway.  I love theater,plays, musicals, all of it.  And I can usually find a friend, usually female, or my daughter to share them with.  But I've always had the desire to share my love of musical theater with a man in my life that I'm in love with.  I've tried in the past, only to have the man try to watch and try to enjoy it with me only to find out that the very next time a musical was suggested to share, to have them run screaming.  Well, maybe run screaming is harsh, but definitely have another suggestion...anything but a musical.  Until now.  Mr. Charisma  loves to share musicals with me, and even has not run screaming...yet.  :)
AND he's not gay.  wow.  Will wonders ever cease?
Will he continue to keep surprising me, and making me feel special?
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know the one, the one that forces you to come back to the ground and quit living in the clouds, but it just isn't happening.  In 8 months and counting it hasn't happened....hum....maybe I should stop looking for it to happen.  MAYBE I should just have some faith in his love and mine.  MAYBE I should just trust and fall into him...into us.
MAYBE it's time for another musical.

Cheers.

The Goals Go Up!

I have achieved a personal goal that I didn't think I would, nor did I think I would this quickly.  I've been selling, at my job now for three full months.  And the commission/draw is set up in two ways.  The first is a minimum of 24 cars need to be sold in a rolling three month period to make over your draw.  This is where you need to be, but not where you want to be.  Of course you want over that, but the minimum is respectable and a goal that, when hired, I was told I should be at by my six month mark.  Well I hit it my first three months, and I'm so proud of myself, and happy that I have proven to myself that I can do this huge career change.  Especially this late in my working career.  I hope to retire in 19 years at the most.  Now that I have passed this very mental hurdle in my mind, I'm hoping that a goal of 10 to 12 cars a month is not out of reach.  And I'm excited to set these goals.  Almost as excited as I'm sure I will be to cash my first commission check on the 15th.  It's nice that we have a draw, so that we can make a minimum amount until we reach our goals.  I'm sure that when I get even more confidence, and learn a lot more about cars, (ALL the Cars!) I will be even more successful.  I wish I would have had the confidence in myself at a much younger age to try this, but sadly I did not.  I also did not think it was fair, as a single parent, to make my kids want for anything just because I had a bad month.  I know I'll have them, but I'm hoping they will be few and far between.

So, if you are a friend of mine, and if you need a car, message me. I'd be happy to help you find the perfect one.  Or if you just know me and know someone who needs a car, introduce us.  I hate it when friends try to sell me, it's always made me feel uncomfortable to hit up my friends for sales.  But, I realize now, that its more of a service.  If you don't know that I'm selling cars for a living, how would you know that I can help you make the right choice, and get the best deal.  So I've decided that it's okay to mention.  For those of you long distance....and miss me...what a great excuse to come see me at work.  :)

Now back to life and holding the one  I love tightly.
Cheers

Something happened this week that caught me by surprise, well, more than one thing actually.  At work, I seem to be either getting better or stuck on a plateau, need two more sales this week to make my goal.

Had a very pleasant and awkward get together with Mr. Hopeful, where we were able to be in the same room, drinking and talking, and watching movies...and sitting as far away from each other, while remaining in the same room, as you can and not appear rude.  I know that reads with a humorous undertone....however I'm not so sure I find it funny.  I'm proud of us, of our restraint, of our ....my....decision to remain celibate friends, instead of friends with benefits.  That we have been able to accomplish this, and still be ourselves....or mostly ourselves.....gives me hope that with time and practice, we will accomplish actually feeling comfortable doing it.

Mr. Charisma had a very serious medical issue due to blood sugar levels, and  called me to help him get through it, on a weekend where he had his kids.  Of course I said yes, and got there as quickly as I could.  Meeting his kids under extreme situations, was not either of our ideals.  However, he thought it went better than it could have, and in knowing his kids, feels I have nothing to worry about.

OK.  Those of you that follow this blog, and kind of know a deeply held part of my imagination, KNOW that telling me I have nothing to worry about, kind of makes me start to worry.  I'm sure he is right.  I'm sure he knows his kids.  Maybe even better than they think he does.  And I'm being really good at not letting my writers imagination run away with itself and start to write all sorts of endings to a chapter that just started.  That was last night, before I transported him here to be taken care of.

And now I'm off to find a new battery for my lap top.  This weeks blog was brought to you by Mr. Charisma's tablet, and the letter "postal" and the number infinity.

Cheers!

Father's Day

Father's Day is today.  This is the first one since my dad died, and even though we were not that close, I am feeling his presence more than normal.  Feeling him nagging me to do the things that still need to be done for probate....mostly waiting on the state to get me the paperwork I need to go back down to Missouri, title his car in my name, go over all the mail that the new owner of the house has collected, and figure out if anything is in his bank account that I need to split with my step sister, and the payment of the attorney, and still there is paperwork...tax paperwork....the kind we all love to put off.  I'm still waiting for my income tax refund after having to resend in all my documentation..... this years taxes got really fucked up, and I'm not happy about any of this, but can do nothing about it......

Probate sucks.

Cuz I'm a control freak, and if I can't fix it I do one of two things...I fret and worry until I'm sick...or I put it off until I have to do it.  Guess which one I did?  You got it, put it off.  And I'm ok with that.  I think I would feel better about getting the tax paperwork done if my refund was in hand....but I will deal with that tomorrow....(the Scarlett O'Hara problem solution ALWAYS works....NOT)

Its  much to perfect a day, as most all Sundays are now, with Mr. Charisma by  my side and nothing but time  together.

Have a great Father's Day, and try not to miss your dad's too much if they are gone, and if they are still with you, then please, at the least, call them and tell them how much they mean to you, how they helped shape you, and how glad you are to be their kid.  (This advice works even if you have only negative things to say,   because it will free you.)

Cheers