One of the most peaceful and happy mornings I can remember in a long time, as First Daughter is sleeping sounding on my extra mattress. What mother doesn't enjoy the sounds of her children sleeping soundly. First Daughter is visiting, and we have had a very chockfull few days of adventures in Chicago. Nothing too fancy or elaborate. Doing some errands together, eating at new places, and walking around downtown trying to get lost and see new different things. We didn't make the Skydeck as planned but the tickets are good for a year, so I will make it on less rainy day. But we did make it to Second Daughter and Second Son's fifth wedding anniversary party. And it was touch and go for a while if we would. I was a bitter reminder of her break up that they were suppose to be at a wedding this weekend and to be going to an anniversary party surrounded by couples, was not an easy thing for her to do. But she shouldered it much like I or my mom would have. With grace and no one but Second Daughter and Second Son knowing how difficult it was. I know her appearance made them as proud as it made me.
See First Daughter is putting up a good front after a little over a month of tears and fears about the future now that she's single. This is a serious time for her, and her emotions are on edge. I don't know if she sees it but I know she's made up her mind about what will be. As she does with every crisis that she lives through. Because her emotions so close to the surface she gets like my mom when's shes passionate about a topic. Loud and always right. This makes me shrink back, mostly because I shrank back from my mom when she would 'win at any cost' any difference of opinion we might have.
See I want what's best for her. And she wants what she wants. And maybe what she wants is best for her. Maybe moving back to Chicago to find someone new is what will save her. Maybe my opinion of staying put and healing and saving money is not what would be best. Maybe my experiences of loss and love, and finding myself first before trying again, is not for everyone. She thinks I'm career oriented instead of love oriented because she's never seen me fight for love. But she couldn't be more wrong. See she's only heard me talk about my past, could witness how I've fought for love or tried to keep relationships together when they were hopelessly falling apart. Nor the nights I cried in defeat or fear at being alone forever. She's only witnessed the aftermath. The strength that came from finding myself and loving me enough to be alone rather than settle for love.
I find myself in a place no parent wants to ever be. Where I must support her decisions because she's not a child anymore. She's grown up and knows what she wants. Why wouldn't she, she's my daughter and I always went after love first. And look where it got me. Alone. So while I can say I understand and I feel more sympathy than she'll ever believe. I'm not perceived as the good guy right now, because I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made. Break the same hearts I broke because I wasn't ready to love again. No matter how much I desperately believed at the time that I needed love or I'd die. She doesn't see that my advise is not because I wouldn't welcome her home but because I remember where the path she is on leads. Sometimes I wish she could have seen me through all of that. Then I realize she needs to make her own life and mistakes to grow.
So I'm hoping our last day together will still be the honest loving relationship we have known instead of me shrinking back. I want her to know I'm on her side no matter what she does, even if its been against my best advise. Because she means so much to me, I can't stand to see her so sad. But I'm lucky that she has chosen me as one of the friends she trust enough to help her through this difficult time. Some parents never hear anything except, "We're fine," or "Nothing's new."
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
It's All In Your Head
As I sit here writing this I am confronted with an old opinion that I've just rediscovered. I started writing my novel again yesterday. Edited five and a half chapters in about three hours. Then went on with my normal Saturday of working out and groceries and hanging out long distance with First Daughter. Today has the normal blogging, a long distance movie later with Mr. Practicle, cleaning and cooking for next week on the docket A typical weekend to a typical week. And normally by now I'd start feeling like I was in a rut and should go out and DO something. And then get anxiety about it because I really can't afford to or don't want to be around people. And that's where the people are...outside. But not this weekend. This weekend I'm happy in my rut and looking forward to the down time. And I asked myself why? What made this weekend different? Sure I'm looking forward to seeing First Daughter in four days, but I don't think that's entirely it.
I think it's because I wrote. I used to use writing as a sure fire way to get over the blues or any situation that felt too normal, thus needing an escape. I'm sure that if I wrote more often I'd feel better emotionally. So why don't I just do it? Because it's not just writing any old word that gives me this high. It's writing something and then coming back to it and reading it and instead of saying, "that's shit" I say, "I wrote that? I like that." It gives my confidence a boost that is always needed. And even the 'that's shit' moments are opportunities.
They say, and they say a lot, that knowing your problem is the first step to controlling it. And perhaps that's right. But for me, my problems are all in my head. And I don't mean that in a physician's way of handling a hypochondriac. I mean, it's all in my attitude. Which I can control and which is in MY head. I can be happy or sad or in love or out of love. All in my head. All in my choice of what I want to express or feel or not feel. The mind is much more powerful than we know, and the 'fake it til you make it' philosophy has some merit. It's how I quit smoking seventeen years ago. I just told myself I wasn't a smoker, believed it, stopped buying them, and quit. Mind over matter. They say that in extreme situations, it can even work with some pain. I wonder about that but not enough to test it.
I know this sounds silly but if you find yourself in a bad mood, or feeling depressed or upset about something you can't change, try thinking your way out. Try feeling the opposite, just do it. Try talking yourself out of it. Use your skill in imagination and will power to feel something until something happens that actually changes your outlook. Sometimes it is just the will to get out of bed that does the trick. Sometimes it is taking that nap.
Cheers
I think it's because I wrote. I used to use writing as a sure fire way to get over the blues or any situation that felt too normal, thus needing an escape. I'm sure that if I wrote more often I'd feel better emotionally. So why don't I just do it? Because it's not just writing any old word that gives me this high. It's writing something and then coming back to it and reading it and instead of saying, "that's shit" I say, "I wrote that? I like that." It gives my confidence a boost that is always needed. And even the 'that's shit' moments are opportunities.
They say, and they say a lot, that knowing your problem is the first step to controlling it. And perhaps that's right. But for me, my problems are all in my head. And I don't mean that in a physician's way of handling a hypochondriac. I mean, it's all in my attitude. Which I can control and which is in MY head. I can be happy or sad or in love or out of love. All in my head. All in my choice of what I want to express or feel or not feel. The mind is much more powerful than we know, and the 'fake it til you make it' philosophy has some merit. It's how I quit smoking seventeen years ago. I just told myself I wasn't a smoker, believed it, stopped buying them, and quit. Mind over matter. They say that in extreme situations, it can even work with some pain. I wonder about that but not enough to test it.
I know this sounds silly but if you find yourself in a bad mood, or feeling depressed or upset about something you can't change, try thinking your way out. Try feeling the opposite, just do it. Try talking yourself out of it. Use your skill in imagination and will power to feel something until something happens that actually changes your outlook. Sometimes it is just the will to get out of bed that does the trick. Sometimes it is taking that nap.
Cheers
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Becoming Transparent
Coffee is doing its thing while I try to figure out what I need to write about this week. The heat kept me inside after my workout and errands yesterday, not my anxiety. Which is both good and bad, I wanted to go to the park and see a friend in As You Like It but I'm hoping next weekend or the weekend First Daughter is here will be better. And also I don't want to go alone. So my anxiety did play a part after all, perhaps 50/50.
I wish I was better at this. At adulting and living life. I wish I could accomplish all the things in my head that I want to do. That's one of the hardest parts about living with anxiety is knowing you didn't always have it. I remember being able to wake up, and plan a day of things to do, some even outdoors with people, and not only stick to it but look forward to it. Now my mind comes up with all sorts of reasons why I shouldn't get out of bed. Yesterday it was the weather, and yet I did get out of bed to get the things done I knew had to be done. Banking, groceries, I'm surprised working out made the list. I hope it does again this morning after my blog or laundry. However I feel excuses coming on as I type and wonder if I'll make it. I also have another chance to see the play this afternoon, in the hot. Again, I can hear myself making excuses to keep me isolated.
And while writing feels like a good thing to do and one that if I did I'd feel good about staying in, it doesn't seem to come for me anymore. Perhaps I'm in a slump. Or maybe I'm enjoying all the time I'm getting with First Daughter since her break up and deep down I know it wont last. She'll meet someone new and he will become her life, like with First Son. Which is absolutely normal in my opinion. Something is not right in my heart and mind hemispheres, for when its not right I can't write.
I've been blaming it on worry and life and time but the real reason is I'm lazy about it. I don't force myself to open up the documents and finish them. Really finish them. I read books that I know are far above my abilities, and I read ones that I know are far below. You'd think the later would get me motivated but it doesn't. I sometimes wonder if I think anything is worth the motivation now.
With the exception of gaming and watching TV it seems all my hobbies have gone away, and while I'm trying to keep them, I feel like everything and everyone is just slipping away. This is anxiety at its best, it's also the precursor to being depressed. Which I don't feel but sometimes I worry is right around the corner, lurking like an old addict friend that won't go away after the party ends. You know the one who crashes on your couch just for the night, but wont leave in the morning?
Mr. Hopeful was hoping to come this weekend, and then his business kept him from travel. Maybe I miss him more than I thought. Maybe that's the reason for the slump. But I know I'm very good at talking myself out of commitments when I'm alone. Its like all my life I've waited for someone to do all these fun things with, and not doing them by myself is foolish. I'll suggest plans and get shot down by some of my own excuses. He hates crowds too. But maybe I need someone that loves crowds to get me out more. Maybe I need to be more confident with my friends and say I'm doing this want to join? I actually tried that with Shakespeare in the park and both girlfriends either work or had other things going on. I try to make plans that will get me out at least one day of my day off and when they fall through or can't happen it makes me feel like I should just stay in. I know I wont make it out of the house today except to the basement to do laundry. Again its hot and I know I want to write and be alone away from people. Game and watch an escape I enjoy. Try to be with my thoughts and get them straightened out before work tomorrow. You see, it's become my Sunday habit. I don't wonder why I'm alone anymore. I know why. I hide so well, no one can see me. I think I'm enjoying my invisibility in society. This is probably not a good thing.
I wish I was better at this. At adulting and living life. I wish I could accomplish all the things in my head that I want to do. That's one of the hardest parts about living with anxiety is knowing you didn't always have it. I remember being able to wake up, and plan a day of things to do, some even outdoors with people, and not only stick to it but look forward to it. Now my mind comes up with all sorts of reasons why I shouldn't get out of bed. Yesterday it was the weather, and yet I did get out of bed to get the things done I knew had to be done. Banking, groceries, I'm surprised working out made the list. I hope it does again this morning after my blog or laundry. However I feel excuses coming on as I type and wonder if I'll make it. I also have another chance to see the play this afternoon, in the hot. Again, I can hear myself making excuses to keep me isolated.
And while writing feels like a good thing to do and one that if I did I'd feel good about staying in, it doesn't seem to come for me anymore. Perhaps I'm in a slump. Or maybe I'm enjoying all the time I'm getting with First Daughter since her break up and deep down I know it wont last. She'll meet someone new and he will become her life, like with First Son. Which is absolutely normal in my opinion. Something is not right in my heart and mind hemispheres, for when its not right I can't write.
I've been blaming it on worry and life and time but the real reason is I'm lazy about it. I don't force myself to open up the documents and finish them. Really finish them. I read books that I know are far above my abilities, and I read ones that I know are far below. You'd think the later would get me motivated but it doesn't. I sometimes wonder if I think anything is worth the motivation now.
With the exception of gaming and watching TV it seems all my hobbies have gone away, and while I'm trying to keep them, I feel like everything and everyone is just slipping away. This is anxiety at its best, it's also the precursor to being depressed. Which I don't feel but sometimes I worry is right around the corner, lurking like an old addict friend that won't go away after the party ends. You know the one who crashes on your couch just for the night, but wont leave in the morning?
Mr. Hopeful was hoping to come this weekend, and then his business kept him from travel. Maybe I miss him more than I thought. Maybe that's the reason for the slump. But I know I'm very good at talking myself out of commitments when I'm alone. Its like all my life I've waited for someone to do all these fun things with, and not doing them by myself is foolish. I'll suggest plans and get shot down by some of my own excuses. He hates crowds too. But maybe I need someone that loves crowds to get me out more. Maybe I need to be more confident with my friends and say I'm doing this want to join? I actually tried that with Shakespeare in the park and both girlfriends either work or had other things going on. I try to make plans that will get me out at least one day of my day off and when they fall through or can't happen it makes me feel like I should just stay in. I know I wont make it out of the house today except to the basement to do laundry. Again its hot and I know I want to write and be alone away from people. Game and watch an escape I enjoy. Try to be with my thoughts and get them straightened out before work tomorrow. You see, it's become my Sunday habit. I don't wonder why I'm alone anymore. I know why. I hide so well, no one can see me. I think I'm enjoying my invisibility in society. This is probably not a good thing.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Anxiety. The Personality Killer.
For some time now I've been happy with my life. It's really an odd sensation for me because with the exception of the last couple of years here in Chicago, I've not been happy. Now children that I love and love me, don't get me wrong. You being in my life has been my only real lasting happiness. When I look back on my life I realize a great portion of it is worry about all the bad things that can happen. Financial, employment (they go hand in hand) safety, children, (they also go hand in hand) my health, divorce, and breakups (both my parents and mine), fears both imagined and very real. And I understand that at a very young age I was taught to fear things. That my parents in teaching me to be brave and be prepared for the worst, put all the worst possible outcomes in my small impressionable head. And while that lesson has been a godsend in helping me survive in the hard cruel world, and raise my kids mostly alone, I also realize that worry and fear seem to be my natural state.
Anxiety has been my friend for so long it's almost impossible for me to stop it now. However, I try to relax and stop my brain from imagining the worst possible outcome to every situation. And as accurate as my gut is I have to admit that most of the time those worst case scenarios rarely happens as I imagined. I guess the fact that I'm often right that something is off, but rarely right about what or who is what keeps me listening to it. It's better to be warned than blindsided. So I sit in an almost constant state of nervous corked action ready to spring, but not knowing what direction I need to pop.
I hate that I'm used to this. That I've been disappointed in life so much with my choice of careers and employment; or lovers and husbands, that I automatically am in "wait for the other shoe to drop" mode. Which is so unfair to myself and the people that want to be in my life. I don't even trust my friends to stay around long because they never do. No one does, with the exception of my kids. Which I'm very lucky in that area.
But for the last two years, I've been trying as hard as I can to stop myself from worrying too much. And let me tell you it's more difficult than you can know if you don't already suffer from anxiety. Anxiety is a killer of hope and dreams because the voices in your head that tell you 'you won't be liked,' or 'you are not good enough' or 'you can't be successful at that' are very convincing. And they keep me home, away from the people that I imagine will fulfill my fears.
Things are better for me here than they were in Wisconsin, as far as trying to keep the fear at bay. My family and friends are a great comfort in talking me off the ledge. And as much of an independent woman as I've become over the last twenty years, I do miss a strong man at my side telling me it's going to be ok. Sometimes I feel like I'm unloading on my kids too much or my friends, but I'm sure they would say 'it's what friends are for', or 'you are not unloading, mom'.
I envy people that can truly relax without any self or prescribed medication. I don't take meds anymore because my depression is gone, and my anxiety I have learned to control by meditation and positive self-talk instead of focusing on all the negative. Also sharing my fears with loved ones helps. It helps me to hear them say that I'm over thinking or I'll be alright. Which is true. I'm not a quitter. Almost everything I can imagine I can imagine a positive outcome. So if I focus on that instead of the negative one, I calm down. I know that sounds very simple and basic, but when your heart is racing and you are panicking because you feel like you are trapped with no way out of a situation, it's harder than you think to quiet that voice.
And yet, to look at me, you'd think I had myself together. To listen to my advice when a friend asks, you'd think I know the answers. Invisible illness, we all have one. And yet we assume everyone else has this life thing figured out. But you know what. they don't. We are all just trying to survive and wake up and get out of bed and have a life. But some days.....that just doesn't happen, or it happens and then that gut goes off, and you are a cat waiting to pounce, watching everything too critically.
And suddenly the great conversationalist or writer or actress or dancer or person I know I am disappears behind a film of, 'they won't like you anyway so why try.' Self-doubt, low self-esteem, and fear are my constant companions now. And on a good day, I can see them, and I get up, get dressed and go out anyway. But I still feel alone in a crowd.
Anxiety has been my friend for so long it's almost impossible for me to stop it now. However, I try to relax and stop my brain from imagining the worst possible outcome to every situation. And as accurate as my gut is I have to admit that most of the time those worst case scenarios rarely happens as I imagined. I guess the fact that I'm often right that something is off, but rarely right about what or who is what keeps me listening to it. It's better to be warned than blindsided. So I sit in an almost constant state of nervous corked action ready to spring, but not knowing what direction I need to pop.
I hate that I'm used to this. That I've been disappointed in life so much with my choice of careers and employment; or lovers and husbands, that I automatically am in "wait for the other shoe to drop" mode. Which is so unfair to myself and the people that want to be in my life. I don't even trust my friends to stay around long because they never do. No one does, with the exception of my kids. Which I'm very lucky in that area.
But for the last two years, I've been trying as hard as I can to stop myself from worrying too much. And let me tell you it's more difficult than you can know if you don't already suffer from anxiety. Anxiety is a killer of hope and dreams because the voices in your head that tell you 'you won't be liked,' or 'you are not good enough' or 'you can't be successful at that' are very convincing. And they keep me home, away from the people that I imagine will fulfill my fears.
Things are better for me here than they were in Wisconsin, as far as trying to keep the fear at bay. My family and friends are a great comfort in talking me off the ledge. And as much of an independent woman as I've become over the last twenty years, I do miss a strong man at my side telling me it's going to be ok. Sometimes I feel like I'm unloading on my kids too much or my friends, but I'm sure they would say 'it's what friends are for', or 'you are not unloading, mom'.
I envy people that can truly relax without any self or prescribed medication. I don't take meds anymore because my depression is gone, and my anxiety I have learned to control by meditation and positive self-talk instead of focusing on all the negative. Also sharing my fears with loved ones helps. It helps me to hear them say that I'm over thinking or I'll be alright. Which is true. I'm not a quitter. Almost everything I can imagine I can imagine a positive outcome. So if I focus on that instead of the negative one, I calm down. I know that sounds very simple and basic, but when your heart is racing and you are panicking because you feel like you are trapped with no way out of a situation, it's harder than you think to quiet that voice.
And yet, to look at me, you'd think I had myself together. To listen to my advice when a friend asks, you'd think I know the answers. Invisible illness, we all have one. And yet we assume everyone else has this life thing figured out. But you know what. they don't. We are all just trying to survive and wake up and get out of bed and have a life. But some days.....that just doesn't happen, or it happens and then that gut goes off, and you are a cat waiting to pounce, watching everything too critically.
And suddenly the great conversationalist or writer or actress or dancer or person I know I am disappears behind a film of, 'they won't like you anyway so why try.' Self-doubt, low self-esteem, and fear are my constant companions now. And on a good day, I can see them, and I get up, get dressed and go out anyway. But I still feel alone in a crowd.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Don't Boo, Vote
If we don't pull together now we never will. If the threat is more of the same vs dictatorship, I'll take more of the same. If the choice is to stand together for real change just to watch a dictator gain power because we are a split party between democratic, liberal and green, I can't do that. I've seen presidential candidates lose because a third party got just enough votes to make it impossible for the right man to win. And Bush won. Gore did not. And Nadar walked away with votes that could have gone to Gore. A man who believes in science and global warming lost to a man who got us so far in debt we crashed and sent us to an unwinnable war for oil. Had Gore won, perhaps a lot of what Nadar stood for would have found its way into being law. Just as I believe if Hillary wins a lot of what Bernie tried to do will find its way into law. I believe Bernie is still a powerful politician for the people and will do more good on the floor than in the Oval.
I honestly believe that a hot headed, emotion driven man, like Trump should not have his hand on the button to send bombs to countries over a disagreement in business. He will treat the presidency like a reality show and not as if real lives were at stake or the consequence of his decisions. We the people won't matter to him as much as it will to Hillary. Or to Stein or to Johnson. But we as a party can't even get behind one third party candidate like in the Gore/Bush/Nadar year. So the votes for a real change will be even further split. I'm willing to listen with both the hemispheres of my soul in full attendance. My heart and mind will be united come November when I cast my vote. But if my chosen party is still divided, I will vote for the person who is most likely to win against a dictator. I will not be part of THAT problem. My parents talked of Hitler and his rise to power with great awe and wonder at how it happened so fast, and the poor German people split forever by his tyranny. They spoke highly of the Roosevelts and never blamed them for their wealth only marveled at their ability to see outside of their birthright and want to help everyone. They created a middle class in this country when it was unfathomable just how many were unemployed. For an idea of what FDR inherited watch the PBS documentary on The Roosevelts. The Clinton's may be the only people in Washington that can save us from a dictator. The Obama years have been a climb back for many of us, and history-making eight years. I'm for more history making in electing the first Woman President of the United States and also the first person to have been A First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State before being President. But let me make myself as clear as I can. I will elect anyone that is running now before a dictator.
Here is the problem as I see it.
This means I have to trust my media.
Which I do not. They will tell us who to vote for and right now they are telling us to vote for Hillary. That she alone is the only one that can beat a dictator. When we know her numbers aren't that great against him, not like Bernie's was. And if Bernie's followers, like me, are this wishy-washy about falling in with Hillary, imagine how close this race is going to be? She will scramble now to get us all behind her. She has no choice but to promise us the moon. And then be called a liar for not being able to deliver it. No one could give us the moon! But the only thing the dictator will give us is hate and fear. He will also give us a police state and take away more of our freedoms than you can imagine and very quickly. No, he doesn't have supreme power, yet. But the powers he does have, with the right 'event', would surprise you. He can do many things on his own and the house and senate are his party right now.
So the real problem is not just the Presidency, but the over 80% of the House and Senate up for re-election. We need terms set like the Presidency to get rid of our long term politicians who have destroyed this country and we need to stop electing the ones with all the experience. All the boys club. I know what you're thinking. Hillary is the one with all the experience. She's a part of the boys club. And that by my logic the dictator should win. And that's what scares me. This logic of mine says that we must run from the experience and embrace change. But not his change. We must never forget what can happen when you give a small man with no control over his emotions and rage, power. We must remember Napoleon, Hitler, and Kahn.
We have the power to elect a woman with experience that knows how to deal with foreign powers and already has a good relationship with them. Even if you don't agree with the relationship she has that relationship has kept war from our shores for eight years. We have the power to give her a Democratic, Green and Liberal House and Senate. Here is where we can make the right and great change. The republican party is splitting too. There are republican's backing Hillary because they see this writing on the wall and realize nothing is more important than stopping a dictator. That we need to rise together to do this as a nation and sort out other issues after he is not a threat.
I am amazed at the amount of people in my country that believe a dictator will give them what they want. And that some of them, most of them, want what he is preaching. This election has been the saddest of my adult life so far, because it has shown me that the stereotype of the bigot in America is not something from our embarrassing past, but is still running rampant across this great country, driving pickup trucks, shooting automatic weapons, and just waiting for it to be fashionable again to bring out the good linen and the lynching ropes. The old saying 'the south will rise again' may be closer than you think.
Cheers
I honestly believe that a hot headed, emotion driven man, like Trump should not have his hand on the button to send bombs to countries over a disagreement in business. He will treat the presidency like a reality show and not as if real lives were at stake or the consequence of his decisions. We the people won't matter to him as much as it will to Hillary. Or to Stein or to Johnson. But we as a party can't even get behind one third party candidate like in the Gore/Bush/Nadar year. So the votes for a real change will be even further split. I'm willing to listen with both the hemispheres of my soul in full attendance. My heart and mind will be united come November when I cast my vote. But if my chosen party is still divided, I will vote for the person who is most likely to win against a dictator. I will not be part of THAT problem. My parents talked of Hitler and his rise to power with great awe and wonder at how it happened so fast, and the poor German people split forever by his tyranny. They spoke highly of the Roosevelts and never blamed them for their wealth only marveled at their ability to see outside of their birthright and want to help everyone. They created a middle class in this country when it was unfathomable just how many were unemployed. For an idea of what FDR inherited watch the PBS documentary on The Roosevelts. The Clinton's may be the only people in Washington that can save us from a dictator. The Obama years have been a climb back for many of us, and history-making eight years. I'm for more history making in electing the first Woman President of the United States and also the first person to have been A First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State before being President. But let me make myself as clear as I can. I will elect anyone that is running now before a dictator.
Here is the problem as I see it.
This means I have to trust my media.
Which I do not. They will tell us who to vote for and right now they are telling us to vote for Hillary. That she alone is the only one that can beat a dictator. When we know her numbers aren't that great against him, not like Bernie's was. And if Bernie's followers, like me, are this wishy-washy about falling in with Hillary, imagine how close this race is going to be? She will scramble now to get us all behind her. She has no choice but to promise us the moon. And then be called a liar for not being able to deliver it. No one could give us the moon! But the only thing the dictator will give us is hate and fear. He will also give us a police state and take away more of our freedoms than you can imagine and very quickly. No, he doesn't have supreme power, yet. But the powers he does have, with the right 'event', would surprise you. He can do many things on his own and the house and senate are his party right now.
So the real problem is not just the Presidency, but the over 80% of the House and Senate up for re-election. We need terms set like the Presidency to get rid of our long term politicians who have destroyed this country and we need to stop electing the ones with all the experience. All the boys club. I know what you're thinking. Hillary is the one with all the experience. She's a part of the boys club. And that by my logic the dictator should win. And that's what scares me. This logic of mine says that we must run from the experience and embrace change. But not his change. We must never forget what can happen when you give a small man with no control over his emotions and rage, power. We must remember Napoleon, Hitler, and Kahn.
We have the power to elect a woman with experience that knows how to deal with foreign powers and already has a good relationship with them. Even if you don't agree with the relationship she has that relationship has kept war from our shores for eight years. We have the power to give her a Democratic, Green and Liberal House and Senate. Here is where we can make the right and great change. The republican party is splitting too. There are republican's backing Hillary because they see this writing on the wall and realize nothing is more important than stopping a dictator. That we need to rise together to do this as a nation and sort out other issues after he is not a threat.
I am amazed at the amount of people in my country that believe a dictator will give them what they want. And that some of them, most of them, want what he is preaching. This election has been the saddest of my adult life so far, because it has shown me that the stereotype of the bigot in America is not something from our embarrassing past, but is still running rampant across this great country, driving pickup trucks, shooting automatic weapons, and just waiting for it to be fashionable again to bring out the good linen and the lynching ropes. The old saying 'the south will rise again' may be closer than you think.
Cheers
Sunday, July 24, 2016
What Happened To The Golden Rule
What a week. So many stressful things happened since my birthday. My bronchitis flared up. First Daughter had a huge break up with Fave. Friends have had falling outs with family members. Scammers tried to convince me if I didn't pay back taxes that I don't owe to them via electronic cards or at my door, I was going to jail. Funny they don't even have my current address but the IRS does. I hate scammers. Donald Trump won the GOP. Hillary Clinton won the DNC. And I'm still trying to wrap my head around voting for Jill Stein or Gary Johnson. Go GREEN! Go Liberal! But don't go two party. We really need to fix our country and our earth, and the same old same old is not going to do it. Where are the Roosevelt's, Lincolns, and Carters....the presidents from privilege that tried to help ALL Americans? Because they felt that was their duty for BEING PRIVILEGED.
I feel like my own little world has enough stress in it without the entire world going crazy. What's happening to everyone. We have so many problems in our world that need fixing and everyone is focused on an issue. Weather it's equality for women or black lives matter. We are passionate. Some of us are passionate about everything. We are the ones that get called crazy when we don't agree with the rich, white, men that are trying to rape this world as they have raped us since the beginning of time.
I'm getting really sick of egotistical, privileged, white people making every issue about them. Black lives matter. Period. Stop adding all lives matter. You sound stupid. Stop trying to make the raping of women the woman's fault. You sound stupid. Stop electing senators and representatives for life long service and giving them the power to tell you how to have children, or who to have sex with, or how to kill innocent people and children for oil, or poison our food, or kill our climate. You know this isn't Star Trek...we have no other planet to go to.
My mind wont shut off, from all the chatter of the world and all the hate that is in it. I find it harder and harder to believe in my fellow human, like I once did as a child. I was taught the police were there to protect you, now I'm as afraid of being accused of being attacked at attacked.
We need to remember that we are all humans. We are star stuff. We are souls wearing meat suits traveling on a planet shaped space ship through the universe at speeds unimaginable, and our favorite pastime is hurting and killing each other. If I were mother nature I'd select us for extinction. And perhaps that's exactly what is going on.
Welcome to the hottest year on record...again...but global warming is a lie.
I'm sick of humans
I'm sick of hate
I'm sick of stupid people that don't care and hide behind being Christians
I'm sick of being ashamed of my race
I feel like my own little world has enough stress in it without the entire world going crazy. What's happening to everyone. We have so many problems in our world that need fixing and everyone is focused on an issue. Weather it's equality for women or black lives matter. We are passionate. Some of us are passionate about everything. We are the ones that get called crazy when we don't agree with the rich, white, men that are trying to rape this world as they have raped us since the beginning of time.
I'm getting really sick of egotistical, privileged, white people making every issue about them. Black lives matter. Period. Stop adding all lives matter. You sound stupid. Stop trying to make the raping of women the woman's fault. You sound stupid. Stop electing senators and representatives for life long service and giving them the power to tell you how to have children, or who to have sex with, or how to kill innocent people and children for oil, or poison our food, or kill our climate. You know this isn't Star Trek...we have no other planet to go to.
My mind wont shut off, from all the chatter of the world and all the hate that is in it. I find it harder and harder to believe in my fellow human, like I once did as a child. I was taught the police were there to protect you, now I'm as afraid of being accused of being attacked at attacked.
We need to remember that we are all humans. We are star stuff. We are souls wearing meat suits traveling on a planet shaped space ship through the universe at speeds unimaginable, and our favorite pastime is hurting and killing each other. If I were mother nature I'd select us for extinction. And perhaps that's exactly what is going on.
Welcome to the hottest year on record...again...but global warming is a lie.
I'm sick of humans
I'm sick of hate
I'm sick of stupid people that don't care and hide behind being Christians
I'm sick of being ashamed of my race
Sunday, July 17, 2016
All passes - Art alone endures
What a fab time at the Chicago DeTours 1893 World's Fair Tour with Bars and Food tour. I can't even begin to describe all the marble staircases and intricate metal work accent designs and the amazing architecture of the marble brick and mortar buildings of this era. To get an opportunity to not only see the insides of these buildings (well most, The Palmer House is so exclusive they don't allow tours) was a real gift. I'm grateful to have been invited by my Neighbor Ez and her friend.
I posted the best of the pictures I took yesterday starting with The Congress Plaza Hotel, which was our first drink stop. the crystal rectangular chandeliers and mosaic tile work were breathtaking, but the metal work clock stole the show. They even had a popcorn maker from the time, which was a new gourmet treat in 1893.
We then walked to the Roosevelt University with its huge marble columns and marble and iron staircases fit for Scarlet Ohara to descend, well I was swept away to a time that I now wish I could have seen. How impressive to be standing in such history and see a building built with only marble and mortar, not steel supports, still not only standing but seem much more able to stand forever than some of the modern buildings that grace our skyline.
It was at the Fine Art building next where we saw the phrase All Passes - ART Alone Endure over the entrance, and that statement proved true. Not only with all the huge hallways all in, you guessed it marble, and the beautiful paintings and interior architecture, but the only human working elevator left in downtown Chicago. All twelve of us barely fit into the elevator and the operator carefully watched the floors go by and had to guess at where the floor would meet the elevator. So while the ride itself was very quiet and smooth, the stop was a bit jumpy as he made his selection. While this skill was obviously learned from experience he made it look a lot easier than I'm sure it was. The view from the 10th floor was beautiful. We could see from Navy Pier to the planetarium.
We then walked by a small alley, which reminded me of Diagon alley in HP, that people used to claim survived the great Chicago fire, however, that information is not correct. It is called Pickwick Place and what once was a mutton shop with an apartment for the owner above it is now a coffee shop. I must go back there when it's open.
We then arrived at Berghoff Bar, which in its day was a workingman's rowdy bar, with no women allowed until 1960, when Gloria Steinem went in and refused to leave until served. Yay Women's movement. We all sat down and had a 1893 Worlds fair type meal with beer flight or wine and a brought worst with german potato salad and a strange new creation for that time, chili con carne. They also have the number one, so first, liquor license in the city of Chicago which they kept during prohibition by selling root beer. The painting and stained glass were lovely there along with the woodwork. Dark heavy wood everywhere, I felt like it could have been a bar in any D&D story I had played.
The Palmer House was next and I wish we could have seen it. But they don't allow tours, so the mystery of one of the most exclusive hotels in Chicago will have to wait.
The next stop I'd actually been in before, the Target downtown which is their flag store is set in a beautiful pillared building and iron and wood worked revolving doors which target of course has kept in all it's 1893 glory. Good for them.
The final stop was at the Chicago Atheltic Associaton where I have also been before for a birthday party in The Game Room, which in 1893 was called the Emerald battle. For the green felt on the pool tables. There are still pool tables in the game room but it's been updated of course with more modern games as well. The woodwork again here was dark and the lightings original fixtures cast a luminance that both warmed and secluded. For meetings both business or forbidden, with secluded corners and several bars and restaurants including some of the hottest stops in Chicago right now, with lines that we didn't really want to stand in. So once our tour officially ended, my friends took me on an after tour, tour. And we sampled tapas and more martinis at Mercat near the Blackstone. I even was passed a free drink card from a passerby which will force me to go back. Oh darn! Oh I almost forgot that my team won the most points in the scavenger hunts we did throughout the tour and our price was hand rolled candy from Whimsical Candy company, and it was yummy.
My personal facebook page has pictures posted if you are curious to see some of these beautiful Chicago landmarks from before 1893. Enjoy
Cheers
t
I posted the best of the pictures I took yesterday starting with The Congress Plaza Hotel, which was our first drink stop. the crystal rectangular chandeliers and mosaic tile work were breathtaking, but the metal work clock stole the show. They even had a popcorn maker from the time, which was a new gourmet treat in 1893.
We then walked to the Roosevelt University with its huge marble columns and marble and iron staircases fit for Scarlet Ohara to descend, well I was swept away to a time that I now wish I could have seen. How impressive to be standing in such history and see a building built with only marble and mortar, not steel supports, still not only standing but seem much more able to stand forever than some of the modern buildings that grace our skyline.
It was at the Fine Art building next where we saw the phrase All Passes - ART Alone Endure over the entrance, and that statement proved true. Not only with all the huge hallways all in, you guessed it marble, and the beautiful paintings and interior architecture, but the only human working elevator left in downtown Chicago. All twelve of us barely fit into the elevator and the operator carefully watched the floors go by and had to guess at where the floor would meet the elevator. So while the ride itself was very quiet and smooth, the stop was a bit jumpy as he made his selection. While this skill was obviously learned from experience he made it look a lot easier than I'm sure it was. The view from the 10th floor was beautiful. We could see from Navy Pier to the planetarium.
We then walked by a small alley, which reminded me of Diagon alley in HP, that people used to claim survived the great Chicago fire, however, that information is not correct. It is called Pickwick Place and what once was a mutton shop with an apartment for the owner above it is now a coffee shop. I must go back there when it's open.
We then arrived at Berghoff Bar, which in its day was a workingman's rowdy bar, with no women allowed until 1960, when Gloria Steinem went in and refused to leave until served. Yay Women's movement. We all sat down and had a 1893 Worlds fair type meal with beer flight or wine and a brought worst with german potato salad and a strange new creation for that time, chili con carne. They also have the number one, so first, liquor license in the city of Chicago which they kept during prohibition by selling root beer. The painting and stained glass were lovely there along with the woodwork. Dark heavy wood everywhere, I felt like it could have been a bar in any D&D story I had played.
The Palmer House was next and I wish we could have seen it. But they don't allow tours, so the mystery of one of the most exclusive hotels in Chicago will have to wait.
The next stop I'd actually been in before, the Target downtown which is their flag store is set in a beautiful pillared building and iron and wood worked revolving doors which target of course has kept in all it's 1893 glory. Good for them.
The final stop was at the Chicago Atheltic Associaton where I have also been before for a birthday party in The Game Room, which in 1893 was called the Emerald battle. For the green felt on the pool tables. There are still pool tables in the game room but it's been updated of course with more modern games as well. The woodwork again here was dark and the lightings original fixtures cast a luminance that both warmed and secluded. For meetings both business or forbidden, with secluded corners and several bars and restaurants including some of the hottest stops in Chicago right now, with lines that we didn't really want to stand in. So once our tour officially ended, my friends took me on an after tour, tour. And we sampled tapas and more martinis at Mercat near the Blackstone. I even was passed a free drink card from a passerby which will force me to go back. Oh darn! Oh I almost forgot that my team won the most points in the scavenger hunts we did throughout the tour and our price was hand rolled candy from Whimsical Candy company, and it was yummy.
My personal facebook page has pictures posted if you are curious to see some of these beautiful Chicago landmarks from before 1893. Enjoy
Cheers
t
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