Had a very hard day yesterday. Lots of the stuff that I'm sure we all go through. First Saturday of the month, no sales. Plus some of the guys I work with were very heavy in teasing me and pushing my buttons yesterday. For the last two hours of the work day I just wanted to cry. It wasn't really their fault, they had no idea how many deeply protected buttons they were pushing. I may seem very open, and I am in how I listen to others, but I am not in my own stories. If you know the details of my life, you are one of the few I trust with that. Most people know the readers digest version....you know, the version of your life you tell when you meet someone you haven't seen in a while and they ask, "What's new?" So kind of a down side from the career column of my life.
In the relationship column, I had gotten myself all worked up over nothing...over old fears and inabilities to trust....lost faith....call it what you will, but I'm completely jealous of people with trust and faith in the people they love. In their ability to forgive and forget old wounds and trust that the next guy or gal is not going to do the same thing...when in reality we are all human and quite capable of the same kind of behavior....
It's that trust and faith thing that allows you to believe that this time it will be different. This person loves me more, or better or deeper and would never hurt me the way so-and-so did. Then again....isn't that what so-and-so said? hum....
It's a confusion to me. It's something I need to get over, and unfortunately it's only me that can accomplish this. This inability to trust, and have faith, is what I believe has kept me from being truly happy in the past. An enormous fear of being happy, since I've never really known it before in any romantic relationship. I've known it with my kids, but that is very different.
I now have another opportunity to be truly happy, and for the most part I am. And then it starts...the voices in my head that tell me all the things he is really doing when he's not with me....Its a fiction. Created in my own head, and not as a writer would for his own enjoyment or vision for a creative piece....but in a frantic round about way of trying to understand even an innocent comment.
I've never wanted to admit how jealous I am of the female community as a whole. And I know it's not a fair assumption, that just because I am capable of flirting to the point of seduction, temptation, lust and the inevitable outcome of highly enjoyable sex...not everyone is. Some people actually have a very strong will power in saying "No." Or even better, not even interested to the point of having to say no. I find it very difficult, once my passions are aroused, to refuse. I am a very sensual being, with an open mind to how short life is and how you should take every opportunity that you are given. Regret is a hard emotion to live with, and the hardest thing about it is that you can only blame yourself. And that regret is a double edged sword. You can regret what you pass up, as much as what you fall into.
I'm trying to live my life with no regrets. As a whole, I'm not doing too well. But, since I have given my heart to this man, my goal is to be better at that. To have no regrets with him as I walk with him through our part of life together. I hope our road together is long and full of curves and hills and turns. For as we know from our short (7 months so far) time together, each hill, curve and turn has made us stronger and more in love than before. Not more determined to 'make it work' because it is not hard....it does not need determination or that old cliche of 'If you want an relationship to last you have to work at it'. It's not work at all. It just takes enough love to stop, breathe, and be willing to listen to each other. Really listen. And to be that shoulder for each other, that hand to hold. All the rest is very easy when you have that kind of mutual love and respect. Makes the challenges worth it. And the more they are discussed, the less of a challenge or hurt they become...
In fact, for me, it is the only way to heal those hurts, and that pesky voice in my head.
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