A Line Drawn

This week has been a lot of thoughtful, honest, and much needed communication between me and Mr. H.  I know, I know.  You’re thinking….STOP…..RUN.  Well, so is he, so, you have company.  But the thing is, I try.  And I can’t.  He tries too.  And he can’t.  So the line drawn will remain until a time when he is able to be with me.  Until then we concentrate on a long and honest friendship.  Which is a lot better than the rest of the A-Team got.

I just can’t abandon a friend that has been through so much with me, and I with him.  Someone who deeply cares about my life and I about his.  I promised myself years ago that I would stop if it became too painful.  And moments have come when I almost did, but I could never sever the link completely and neither could he.

My mom used to say there was a fine line between love and hate.  And lately I’ve been using that line as a jumprope, hopping back and forth between loving him and hating him for his decisions on his life.  That is absurd of me, but its all related to ego.  So once I swallow that down, I find what is left is the love, and love is the only thing worth fighting for.  It’s so hard to find.  Lust, easy.  Even attraction is a daily occurrence in a city this large.  But finding someone that I share so much with, so easily.  And I’m not just talking about my day, but very private things.  Emotions and situations that I can’t talk about, but I can write about.  Sometimes they appear here in this blog, and sometimes this blog has been my only outlet.

So the line drawn stays and I stay single, not waiting, just watching.  Watching to see who comes down my street.  Being open minded.  Taking a chance, and putting myself out there, but secretly hoping it will be him.

cheers