I got the Chicago Blues. And I'm actually getting over them, I should say I had them last week. I don't know what it is, but lately I've been feeling more lonely and alone in the windy city than even when I first moved here. And I'm not alone. I have Second Daughter and her husband Second Son and their kids Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins. But they are a family and tend to do things together with their down time. Of course First Daughter and First Son are always just a call away but again, they are not here. I still have my best girlfriends peppered around the country, The Poet in My Heart, and She of Little Combat Boots, and The Woman To Blame, but they are all in separate cities. And I still have 2/3rds of the A Team although they have all been demoted to just friends unless single, Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Practical. And I know if its important I can always talk to That Guy. And I value each and every one of these very close friendships, but sometimes its not enough. The distance between us all always comes crashing down around me when our chat times end. And I wonder if I'll ever find the time and courage to put myself really out there. I did stretch my dating muscles not long ago but that didn't go well for him, although I felt ok doing it, I still felt like I was cheating on Mr. Hopeful. Money is also an issue right now, so it's hard to go out and have a drink or do a meet up when your broke. I'm not an outdoor girl except for hikking and the hikking in the city is just not the same. And this summer has been too cold to go to the beach yet.
Its not that I find it hard to make friends, its just that I've always relied on introductions to meet people. Friends of friends. But here, I've not found my niche yet. My people. And I know that lies with me. I haven't gone to any comic stores or sci-fi events or any of the meet ups on writing or reading that I'm signed up for. They either meet when I'm working or entry fees are too much that week. And from what I hear most of them are retired people anyway unless stated that the club is for a certain age group. And while I could pass, I'd hate to meet someone that I like and have them realize I started out our friendship with a lie. And in the city its so much more dangerous to just talk to a stranger, even if it's only a train ride of time. And those people you never see again, anyway.
I hope money wont always be an issue for me, but I assume it will be. I know I'll pay off my debt and acquire more, its the way my life has been, and I don't see it really changing. Unless I win the lottery, but of course I have to actually PLAY to win and, I'm not a gambler.
So since, I'm a nanny, I'm not going to meet anyone at work, which has worked in the past. Nor do I go to church or have a favorite bar, and I'm not likely to meet a good friend in either of those places as I'm not a big believer or a big drinker. Its almost like I need a neon sign that blinks, NERDS WANTED. And see if anyone bites. I find the majority of the people here distant. Polite when it suits them or if they are intimidated and rude when not, but I wouldn't say friendly. But I think that's any large metropolis.
Memory serves me well, and I'm not feeling depressed or adrift, but I wanted to put it out there that I'm very grateful for the friends I have, even if they are far away. For without them I might not have any adult communication in my life at all. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe its my coming birthday. Maybe its the last things Mr. Selfish said to me about ending up alone. Maybe its missing my First Daughter. Maybe its about the the dynamics change at work. Or maybe its all of these things and I've been strong too long and just need a good cry. I notice that heartfelt stories and movies make me cry a lot again. Hell I even teared up watching the ComicCon video on the new Star Wars movie just for seeing Harrison Ford in the Falcon again. Maybe I'm just getting old and reflecting on my life too much. Maybe it's karma. Maybe its my shyness kicking in. But I feel more an more like a forced hermit on the weekends instead of a choice to be a hermit. Maybe I just need a drink.
No. I think RUSH has it right. I just need a friend.
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