You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned - Yoda

I recently discovered something about depression that I didn't know.  If you hang around all depressed people you get more depressed.  I know this sounds very basic but maybe thats why I didn't give it much credit.  It sounds too simple.  I have some friends that are depressed and I have some that aren't and I find that I get caught up in their moods.  It used to be worse, so I'm getting much better at it.  For example this last week I was supposed to meet Mr. Hopeful on line for a chat, and as you can guess he was late, so late in fact that I'd given up on him showing at all and when he did he had a typical excuse.  Horrible day, no sleep, had to go to work, and so forth.  Now I'm not saying I don't believe him, I absolutely do.  What I am saying is that this time, it didn't anger me or make me depressed or lower my self worth.  This time, I took the disappointment like a normal adult human and really understood.  I didn't let myself get depressed, hell I didn't even feel sad.  In fact the closer and closer it got to the time he was supposed to meet me the more and more I hoped he wouldn't come.  I think this is very important personal growth.  I felt guilty and slutty, instead of excited and that rush of love that I usually feel when about to see him.  Something about the way we were meeting felt wrong.  Not us.  Too desperate.

But which kind of personal growth is it?  Is it me just being really scared of repeating disaster and doing the same thing with him that I did with Mr. Practical?  That really made me lose a lot of respect for him and we haven't spoken even as friends in over four months.  And I don't miss him in my life in the way I thought I would.  Or is it that I just don't want to see Mr. Hopeful, even on camera, if I can't have him? Hum...there's a thought.  Am I afraid that would depress me?  I know I've been med free for four months and I don't want to go back to that state.

Last night I tested the video thing with That Guy, and all was well.  Of course we only chat.  No danger of any funny business so no guilt and it was great to laugh and game with him long distance.  And plan my holiday visit up there.  Which I hope I get to do.  That's just a whole other kettle of fish I don't want to open, but leave it to say that I'll be there if I can find a place to crash.  First Son is working on it.  I'll be disappointed if he can't find a way to put up his ma.

So maybe I've come to the conclusion that I'm camera shy with anyone that I know intimately.  Perhaps I'm not as slutty as I was thought to be.  Perhaps I'm truly am finding my way back to who I was.

I have five days off for Thanksgiving and only have plans on turkey day with First Daughter.  I believe I will use the rest of the vacation time to game on line or build a lego Death Star.

Cheers

Fasting Sucks! I Want Coffee and Bacon!

I love Sunday.  It's my day off, and my day to do whatever I want.  And I usually am a hermit.  But today I have to get to the clinic for my fasting blood work.  I hate fasting blood work.  I hate fasting.  And if my clinic were open before 10 any morning I would have done it a lot sooner, but here I sit, writing my favorite blog, on my favorite day without my coffee, and getting more and more grumpy as the clock ticks on.
My hands tingle as I type even with the wrist splints and I realize that I can't really write like this.  And that has been a problem.  I want to write and I feel like I need to write, but I can't.  I need a secretary.  LOL.  That's a good one.  Apparently 30 years of typing has given me carpel tunnel, but the blood work this morning is to rule out anything else before we do steroid shots in my wrists.  OUCH.  Not looking forward to that.  And then the test of needles down my arms to confirm what we believe I have.  Then I imagine surgery.  I hate the thought of being wounded while healing.  But I know that once its done I'll feel much better.
I have so many things I'd like to write about, finish the novel is always on the docket. But other things too, feelings I have about my new life.  People I miss.  People I don't miss.  How that makes me feel, but the tingle takes away all my wit and creative ability and just hurts.
So please forgive the short blogs until I can get a handle on this.  And know that I will figure this out like everything else that tries to stop me.
I woke up yesterday feeling very disappointed at men as a gender.  I tried to take off my "I hate men pants" yesterday but the feeling is pretty much still here.  I think I'll need to figure out a way to be happy here without feeling let down by the past.  I hate that the past still haunts me.  Sometimes I wish I cared less so it had no power over me.  Its not that I'm not happy.  But I look around my cozy studio and wish sometimes, that there was someone here with me. Usually more on quiet times like now, not all the time, but enough to have me starting to wake up hating men.  Well not all men, but the ones I feel let me down.  I don't know if that is a good thing or not.  Usually anger is not.  At least I'm not depressed.  I need more water and to stop making my hands hurt more.
Cheers

Waiting For The Cable Guy Part Two

Ok. So last week the cable guy was a no show. And after several minutes and three different CSRs to fix the issue it appears the same thing is happening this wee. So I'm attempting to blog from my phone. Please excuse and Siri auto corrects that I miss.  But I'm bordering on pissed here.  At least this week the reminder call went stratight to voicemail. Last week my phone shows no record of voicemail or missed call and they didn't show so this week I called directly to customer service again and they sent another automated call that I got, while they were holding, and apparently completed correctly.  WTF. He is technically not late yet but I have a bad feeling that something will go wrong again this week. Band if it does I will go with a different provider.  If I didn't believe so strongly that everyone deserves a second chance, I probably would have already.  But we shall see. LSt week I waited four hours for a two hour window.  I think I will do the same this week.   But before I leave I will not be a nice future customer when I call.  I shall give them what they deserve and see how they handle it.  Why do we always feel so trapped by some businesse?  The cable/internet company, car insurance companies, Heath insurance companies and lets don't forget home contractors. If we treated our customers the way they treat us we would get fired.  It's a mystery to me why we let it continue.  It's like our voting system.  We all keep voting for a change and the incumbents almost always win!?  Again, WTF?  I hope this posts for you to read. Bi will attempt to share from here but I'm not sure how successful I will be.  IF I acquire Internet later today I shall correct.
Cheers

Busy, Busy, Busy

I believe in the four years of writing this blog this is the latest I've ever posted.  But I have a really good excuse.  Short blog today as I finally broke down and saw a doctor on my 'pinched nerve'.  Turns out it's carpal tunnel and I'm wearing a wrist splint for two weeks.  That's the first step.  We shall hope we don't have to do any of the next steps as they don't seem very comfortable.  However the wrist splint seems to be helping.  I'm at least sleeping through the night.  However typing is very difficult now.

I did get my new studio and am picking up the keys on Wednesday night, and moving all my stuff over the course of next week Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday if needed.  Cable guy is coming on Sunday morning.  And I even bought some cleaning supplies and ordered my Dr. Who stuff for my new Dr. Who bathroom.  It matches my hair...Tardis blue.  :).  The rest of the studio will be in red, black and white.  Let me know if you have anything to donate in those colors.  My first big purchases will be furniture that doubles as storage.  And my wish list is long.  But I'm so happy to be slowly decorating it and looking forward to space of my own again.  And some much needed quiet time.  I miss my quiet time without any kids.  Being a live in nanny is very noisy.  :)

Have to rest my hand now.  Cheers

Are They Made From Real Girl Scouts?

Yesterday was one of the best days in a long time, because what was going to be a very quick visit between old friends, turned out to be an all day affair, thanks to one of my sets of bosses.  They found a way, (took a PTO day) to give me the entire day off to be with She of Little Combat Boots and her first born, Pumpkin Pie, who to me will always be my favorite Padawan and Disney Princess combination.  (And now that Disney owns Star Wars I guess that's not so crazy)  Padawan Pumpkin Pie's girl scout troop came to Chicago for the weekend.  The only day I could see them was their last day, yesterday, and boy did we fit a lot in.

Our first stop was the Peggy Notebaert Nature Musemum,  http://www.naturemuseum.org.  I really want to take Ginger Snap here, and Beatle Boy and Sammy Bo Baggins and Flower Girl when they are a little older.  Was great to walk around and play with Padawan Pumpkin Pie in all the interactive areas.  She even touched a snake, which was no big deal to her but a big deal to me.  I hate snakes.  :)

Our next stop was lunch at RJ Grunts  http://www.rjgruntschicago.com.  I'd never been there yet and boy was it good.  And not only kid friendly but very adult at the same time.  Loved the Woodstock theme music and pictures on the walls.  We ate way too much and I had to try the fresh brewed coffee shake.  yummy.

After the that we walked back across the street to the Lincoln Park Zoo.  http://www.lpzoo.org   a free zoo in our city and one I've been to with Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins.  Special things this trip we got to hear the female and male loin roaring.  A LOT at each other.  Was scary and fantastic and awe-inspiring at the same time.  We only had two hours there so got to see about a third of it, but it was a good bit.  Next time we will see the rest.

Then we proceeded to dinner at a Chicago hot dog place called Relish The Thought.  relish the thought which was a great first Chicago hot dog experience for the girls and fit into Boys Town after missing our bus stop.  It happens, but I felt bad that I didn't know the area they were going to at all.

Then we got to the Comedy Sportz of Chicago, an age friendly improve comedy show.  WAS great.  And while it's kid friendly, there were a lot of kid groups and adult groups side, by side.  Awesome night time event to wrap up the evening.  http://comedysportzchicago.reachlocal.com/?scid=2556857&kw=17930960&pub_cr_id=41631119272

Padawan Pumpkin Pie and I didn't want the evening to end.  I think Little Combat Boots and I were both so tired that all we could think of was bed.  However I did give myself a long soak in a very refreshing bath when I got home.  It was more fun that I could have imagined and I can't believe how much she has grown.  I wish I could have seen Little G and Wolfy too.  Soon I hope.

I am looking forward to sharing pictures with First Daughter later tonight, I was going to see another apartment this morning but it is sadly off the market today.  Missed it by one day. Oh well, back to the search.  I think I can do better than $825 a month which was the one I looked at Friday night.  Back to looking.

Cheers

Is There Life On Mars - Bowie

For the past two weeks, going on three now, my right arm is falling asleep.  Well, it feels like that when I'm awake.  When I'm asleep, it wakes me up with shooting pains that are so intense they cause me to want to whimper.  So I bite my pillow and get up and walk it out to get blood flowing.   At first I thought it was heart related but I remember two weeks ago carrying my groceries home on over both shoulders and how heavy they were.  After Second Daughter worked on it, and gave me some stretches to do, it is not waking me up every morning at 1am and then at 3am and then at 4am and then at 5am.  Now it waits until 5am so something is loosing up.  We think over the years of computer work and now lifting all the babies and kids, the heavy groceries pinched a nerve bundle.  It's tingly even now as I type.  I'm seriously considering trying to make an appointment to see the acupuncturist I went to as a birthday present.  When it wakes me from a deep sleep, it hurts much more than just the tingle of being asleep.  But that's the closest example I can use to describe it's lingering effects, and the fact that when I walk around and get more blood to it, it feels like that.  Hurts worse at first then gets better.  I'm not afraid to go to a doctor with this I just am not sure when I can.  Sundays are my only day off, and now that Second Daughters' show has started, http://www.musicalofthelivingdead.com , I am busy pretty much every day and night I'm not at my other job.  I'm hoping it gets better on its own, just like it got pinched on its own, and I realize it will take time, but I'm so tired of not sleeping well, and of the pain.

It reminds me of my Daughter In Law and how much pain she is in and how the doctors are so confused by it.  I know what I feel is only a fraction of what she lives with on a daily basis, and it makes me angry that she can't find a doctor to help her heal.  I know her pain is real, I wish they could see it.  Another reason I am shying away from doctors and going toward a more holistic approach.  I have so many friends and family members who have been treated unfairly or not treated at all.  I'm trying to have faith, but it's difficult to watch.

I'm going to research some more on this pain, and see if there is something else I can do, but for now since the stretching is helping, I'm not going to do anything with a doctor yet.

Feel free to comment if you've had similar pain and what helped you.  I'm giving it one more week before I seek professional attention.

At least the pain has not stopped me from working with all four of my small charges and living life.  The Fleetwood Mac concert here in Chicago, complete with the entire band for the first time in 16 years, was a wonderful night of adult time with Second Daughter.  As was the Bowie exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art, with First Daughter.  The only city in America to have this wonderful exhibit of fashion and music and art from the one and only David Bowie.  I'm surprised New York has not shown it.  So Chicago is now as cool as London and Berlin.  I love this city.

Cheers

The Wonderful Thing About Tigers- Oh Stuff and Fluff! THINK THINK THINK.

Sammy Bo Baggins and I this morning, me with my coffee and he with a secret sprinkled covered donut and milk.  Nothing is more sweet than special quiet time with one single child that loves you.  He applauded this mornings breakfast after eating all the sprinkles off his donut.  The sugar has not quite hit him yet, and his joyful cooing is the exact background I need this morning.  Every morning.  He is the most joyful child I have met since First Son.  Just happy to sit with me and tell me what's on his mind, even if I can't understand all his words yet, they will come, and I can't wait to hear what he has been thinking about.

I expect Ginger Snap to be up within the hour, and then the morning will become a bit louder.  But it is a joyful noise as well.  Ginger Snap and I had our special day most of yesterday, and today it is First Daughter's turn.

By 10 am I shall be with First Daughter at breakfast before we go to the Chicago Art Museum to see the Bowie exhibit.  Can't wait for some more adult time.  Speaking of adult time, if you get the chance to see the complete reunited Fleetwood Mac go.  Just go.  Even the cheep seats are well worth it.  I missed the Songbirds vocal harmonies more than I thought, and I'm all about the Gypsy in that band, and I loved it, even though it wasn't the Stevie Nicks show this year.

But if you'll excuse me, I'm introducing Sammy Bo Baggins to Winnie the Pooh's adventures, the movie from my childhood, and my children's....and after introducing Ginger Snap to Back To The Future over the past few weekends, I must not miss this.  Sammy Bo Baggins is as enrapt with Winnie the Pooh as Ginger Snap was with a time traveling train.  :)

Cheers