And speaking of the journey there has been a lot going on with First Daughter and while I'm trying not to worry (and doing much better than when I lived with her) I still hope that everything will work out for her and send good vibes her way. Its all I can do from so far away or I'd do more. And that would be the worst thing I could do for her right now because she needs to accomplish this on her own. She needs to prove to herself that she can. That as an adult, she doesn't need a man to complete her or a mommy to pay her way. And I know she knows she can and so do I, but it's still hard to watch them struggle.
And speaking of struggle, I am also a bit concerned with First Son and his lack of communication. While he has always been quiet, almost sullen at times, my gut tells me that something else is going on, but I can't put my finger on what it is and I don't want to jump to conclusions. Mountains Out Of Mole Hills Woman was my Indian name, after Smokes Like Chimney ( I quit in 1999) and Shops With Plastic (I quit in 2003). But my son is quiet and private, and he has opened up recently with some concerns about depression not just in his wife but in himself. And if it's bad enough for him to discuss it's bad. So I try not to worry, but then again....I am a mom.
And speaking of mom, I miss my mom. This last three months that I've been in Chicago I feel even closer to her than I have before. I think I believed it was Second Daughters Mom that was hovering around, all ghost like, but now I think it may be both of them. I have always felt my moms presence but she is very close now, and has been since I left Wisconsin.
And speaking of Wisconsin, Mr. Hopeful and That Guy got together last week and haven't seen each other in a year. I was there then, but not this time, and heard from them both after the 'event'. Now you can imagine how much I wanted to know what he talked about but That Guy was a true friend to us both and said, "I must remain as Switzerland." I guess in retrospect I really wasn't mad, but if the tables had been turned I would have given him more details. It's a chick thing I guess.
And speaking of guessing, Mr. Practical and I have been back to almost daily communication, even if its just a quick off line or check in to say Hi, how are you, and/or I'll be back. He's had some interesting times with his wife and her issues and he, true to form, is standing by her while she gets help. And so far she is trying which is good for them....but....well, lets just say his heart is here as well as there and while it doesn't upset him like it used to, it keeps me guessing as I believe it does him. So we sigh and stare at each other and smile and write. YES write together again. It has been two years since we did that and it is helping us both. I am more motivated than I have been in years to finally finish this novel, and have another one still purculating in the back of my mind. And while we fantasize about writing together again, and a romantic weekends alone, it makes me wonder about love and how deep it actually goes. I mean if you can be married like Mr. Practical and Mr. Hopeful and That Guy are, and love your wives, how can you love someone else as much. I remember when I had an affair on Husband The Second, with Husband The Third, and after, both of them pleaded with me to work on my marriage. But you see I couldn't work on a marriage that to me was over. Because you see I couldn't have had an affair on Husband The Second if I'd loved him ENOUGH. If I'd loved him as much as he was capable of loving. And I did love him enough to understand that he deserved better than me. That I wasn't able to love him as much as he loved me. And so I set him free, even though he fought me on it at the time, I'm sure he understands now why I did it. And I did it not knowing if Husband the Third would marry me or love me or even want me around, and in the beginning he did not. So it wasn't like I knew what life would be, or if my journey would be happy. I did the right thing instead of the selfish thing. I could have kept Husband the Second and worked on my marriage and I bet we'd still be together and be somewhat happy...or not know the difference. I love his wife and am blessed that we are still friends after all of that.
And speaking of friends, I miss you all. All the ones in Colorado, and Wisconsin, or Washington, or California, or wherever our paths first crossed in my journey. I know I'll never see some of you again, but I hope I see most of you. And I always see you in my mind and visit you in my heart.
And speaking of my heart.....as bandaged up and banged up as it may appear, held together with staples and hot glue, I am content in waiting. I wake up every day smiling and full of joy at the new day ahead and all it's possibilities. At night I fondly remember those I want to be with the most. And send them love. My wish for you is the same. Blessed Be. Peace Out.
Cheers.
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