Virtuality

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the last two weeks.  Many of my friends and family have had some issues that they felt they should share with me.  And I've been very lucky to be the person they come to for advice or just to listen.  I'm honored, actually that they have felt that I'm the person they want to share the exciting news, or the hardships with me.  I've always felt like my life was an open book.  I talk enough about myself that everyone I love would feel special the way I feel when they discuss life issues with me.  However, I've come to understand that some people are so private that they might view my exchange of information as bragging or boasting, or just an inflated ego that can only talk about myself.

Well, let me set the record straight right now.  I talk about myself first to set the other person at ease.  If I'm willing to share something of my past or present that relates to their situation, I believe they will feel that I have some experience and could actually help.  Or perhaps I have a new perspective that they need to hear.  In either case, if I don't share my stories, how will they know?  Won't I just come off as a 'know it all' or 'egotist'.  I probably come off that way anyway because I've lived a full life and had a lot of unique experiences....so far.  And I will have many more, I'm sure.

I had a boyfriend years ago that felt I was always trying to 'one up him'.  An absurd thought, and one that made me wonder what kind of friends and lovers and parents he had, if that's where he first went with his lover.  While I've often thought of him and wondered if we could have made it work I realize that no matter how attracted we are to each other, it would never work.  Because he really never wanted it to enough, and neither did I.  Well, not at the same time anyway.

I've met a lot of people and they all feel a little different about me.  And I feel like the ones that have taken the time to really get to know me, like me as much as I like them.  However, I do have some people in my life that I have really thought were great people that didn't like me at all.  And have been very verbal in expressing it.  Even to the point of trying to convince other people that love me, that they should drop me from their lives.  They would be so much happier, as he is.  That's so unfortunate, and guess what?  This guy is a very good catholic.  Makes me shake my head at how unchristian that is.  But oh well, I guess some people just like the image of going to church.

I'm in the process of shrinking my friend base again, and adding to my family base.  I'm an only child so I tend to make my closest friends family.  I think it comes from wanting siblings so much growing up that I get very clingy with my friends and feel an almost unrealistic sadness when they treat me like a friend instead of family.  Which, I'm sad to say, happens more often that I want.  I wonder if any other only children feel this way....

And then I stop myself and realize they HAVE siblings.  They have a relationship I can only begin to understand as an outsider.  I think it was very good for me to raise two children.  And see how siblings really act.  Actually made me want them less, but still want at least one big brother or little sister.

Now that both of my parents are dead, I find myself really wishing I had someone that was like a brother or sister to me.  Throughout my life I've adopted many people that I felt fit that category.  But life gets in the way...and people get too busy.  I do too, so I'm not really pointing fingers, just trying to make a point.

In this time, when we have the ability to communicate with hundreds of people we don't know on FaceBook or other social networks....How hard is it to send out a personal message, to someone you miss, instead of just missing them?  Not hard at all.  And while I think we can all agree that this internet and world wide web, has made us all more informed and more lonely at the same time, we are definitely more connected that we have ever been...and yet...there are still people out there, reaching out into the internet for a hopeful response...a Virtuality, if you will (Cue RUSH SONG).

Maybe it takes a real depression or feeling of absolute solitude to make this hit home.  That no matter how busy you are...if you really care about someone, you always find time for them.  I've learned this the hard way...with my heart a couple of times.  And if you are a current reader you know they were sad lessons with Mr. Charisma and Mr. Hopeful.  

Now my heart is in flux again.  And I'm trying to be a good friend, but because I love him, its better for us both to at least admit what we feel.  Even if we can't act on it, yet...or ever.  Keeping the emotion stifled was destroying and creativity that we have together or apart.  Now we are writing again and editing and trying to get our novels that we started years ago together...finished together.  I guess we discovered we can't do it without each other.  That it feels less important if we aren't trying to please each other as our audience.  And over the last four years, well three really, he has tried to remain just a friend as I tried to get over him reaching out to Mr. Hopeful, which I don't regret, and Mr. Charisma, which I do.   As a writer I know this is a very special place.  I don't share my writing with just anyone, and I have regretted sharing it with some men in my past.  Some who betrayed me have copies of my precious children, even though they may have grown since then and changed I still feel the pain at sharing my most inner thoughts and opinions with men who never should have been trusted with that.  Who didn't deserve it, Mr. Charisma for one, and Mr. Selfish for another.  Then there is one, Mr. Hopeful, who I wish I would have.  But never made the opportunity.  Maybe someday we can truly be friends and I can do that...maybe more, and I can do that...maybe nothing, and I can do nothing.  See it's all in his hands, and whenever I leave something completely to a man to decide, I don't feel like I'm in a partnership, or friendship or any kind of relationship anymore.  And if I don't feel like I'm still appreciated, or needed enough to share their life with me, I kind of start to feel like its over and I'm not missed.  I try to tell people I care about stories about my life so they will not make the same mistakes as other have.  Unfortunately I don't think they are really listening, or they don't care as much as they think they do.

I am reflecting on who loves me enough to make time for me, as I have always felt I have done for others.  Dropping plans or changing them as the priorities demand.  Knowing they will understand because when it's their turn to have a tragedy, I'll drop things for them as well.

So take the time today, to reach out to the people you still think of fondly but haven't had the time to say anything for months or maybe years.  Don't rely on FaceBook to get your life and what's going on out to your loved ones.  Make an effort, pick up a phone, write a letter, or send a private e-mail, strike up a conversation on line, video or otherwise, but make a connection.

Cheers