The human body is a miracle and a wonder. It gives you little signs when something is wrong with it, or with you. Goose pimples when you are cold, or scared. A nagging feeling in your gut when you are hungry, or know you or someone is doing something wrong. That alertness of the hair on the back of your neck when you are being watched. Not to mention the thousands of symptoms we get before a major illness strikes, like a heart attack or a brain tumor or cancer.
I think there are two kinds of people in this world where their bodies are concerned. Ones that take those warnings seriously and those that shrug them off and continue on their merry way. I've lost some great people to death because they ignored a symptom too long, or knew something was going to happen but got in the car anyway.
Sometimes we make a decision and it's the wrong one and our bodies rebel, with depression, or anxiety or it can even shatter and the fragile mind and become something unrecognizable to not only the owner but their loved ones.
I tend to notice the symptoms my body gives me and continue on my merry way. I've made some really bad choices ignoring my own internal 'Red Flag' system. I'm also one of those people that will tell you to run to the doctor, but I have to be forced to go. And it's not because I don't respect doctors or think they can help me. It is because I can't afford it, and I hate hospitals. I'm afraid I will go in and never come out.
Three days ago I started to get a headache. Little stress headache over my left eye. Wouldn't be the first time, nor the last that I got one of these. Then two days ago Mr. Practical and I had a huge fight, and we are not the same even after apologizing. And my headache got a lot worse. Felt better after using some natural oils, then not. Felt a little better after taking some over the counter headache pills, then not. Felt better while I was drinking last night at Second Daughter's birthday party, (Out until 3am, two different Chicago bars, one was full of free arcade games and pinball- the other a lot of singing! A lot!) And this morning not. Now I know you are thinking, hangover. But I only had four drinks in 8 hours. Thats not a lot for me, although I will admit I'm out of practice and this doesn't feel like only a hangover.
Oh and lets don't ignore the fact that for a split second last night, I lost my balance and fell to the ground, leaving my left leg looking like a skateboard road rash. Same side as the headache's original starting point, it's all across my forehead to both temples now. Knee all scratched up and my lower leg has a heck of a bruise with abrasions on it as well. NICE. First Daughter wants to go to IHop and while my stomach agrees, the rest of my body is laughing at me. Part of me wants to run to the doctor, and the other part thinks it has more to do with stress. Part of me can hear my loved ones over my casket saying, "Why didn't she go to the doctor sooner?" The other part can see that if I just get rid of the things in my life that are stressful, I'll be ok again. Red Flag. I know I should have left Mr. Charisma much sooner than I did...than we did. I have felt both sorry for us and hopeful for us, and even happy for our individual journeys for me and Mr. Hopeful. And now I'm faced with the possibility of having to discuss with Mr. Practical a final parting of the ways or burning of bridges, and it makes my headache worse to think about it. And my gut? Well it's calm, resolved, as is my mind. My heart is the slow one to get with the program. But it usually is. My heart apparently needs a brick building to fall on it. Or a final straw.
I had more to say, but my memory lately has been like someone who is thirty years older. I blame my meds. There is that Red Flag again. But I'm continuing on my not so merry way.
Cheers
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
What motivates you?
Serious question time. Really. What motivates you? I used to think it was money. That I'd do just about any boring job I really hated to support my family. That got me out of bed every morning and made it worth doing. To get a paycheck that barely covered our bills, if it covered our bills. Over ten years ago I filled for bankruptcy. And I've been up and down since then. Life. You learn how to live it on the run. And unlike all the movies, or music or video games I love there is no pause button to freeze frame a moment in time until you are ready for it. How great would that be? Almost like a time machine.
They say (yes, them again, I know, they say a lot). But they say, that everything happens for a reason and things come to you when you are ready to accept them. That may be true. It also may be false. It may be that your life is your hell. That we live it on earth. (they say that too). It could be that you get what you give. WOW. I hope that's both true and not true, for none of us are safe from bad karma. And then there are the ones that don't think this life matters much at all and have their eyes set on some 'after life' as if all the suffering will be rewarded once they are dead and buried and forgotten.
What motivates you?
Some daydream of a hopeful future with an impossible person? That used to be me too. I used to get bitter at the waiting around for Mr. Right. The testing to see if Mr. So and So was Mr. Right, and being wrong. But at least I tried. At least back in the day, I put myself out there. Now, I write. Now I don't put myself out there. Because now the only men that seem interested in me are unavailable. You could say, that I only feel safe with married men, because I don't want anymore failed relationships and a married man will leave me alone. RIGHT. Married men are the worst. Take it from me. They tell you all sorts of things that are wrong with their wives, and marriages but they don't leave. They run back for many reasons. Depends on the man and his situations. What kills me is they are all very different, but this one thing rings true with all of the ones I've met and had relationships with. They want something from their wives they aren't getting and the wives either don't know they want it, or refuse to give them, so they find it from another woman. But the part that really sucks is that the women don't know or if they do, they don't care. And they still go back to them. The wives feel that their husbands would never cheat on them. That sure, the marriage isn't perfect but what marriage is? Or the ever popular and the one I could never understand because I hate sharing, is, well, let him have his fun, it's only sex. ONLY SEX! WOW. If that were true. There would never be any loss or heartbreak. But it's not only sex. It is so intimate. So revealing. I know things about them that I bet their own wives don't know. And they should. But sometimes its scary to talk to someone you love that much. Someone you are really afraid to lose. See, they aren't really afraid to lose me, and they aren't talking about me, so it's easy to tell me what's wrong. And easy for me to fix it. Temporarily, because they don't stay.
So after three failed marriages, I can say no marriage is perfect. But after three failed marriages I know what NOT to do. And I know what both partners should do. After being a mistress, twice and a shameless flirt more times than I want to admit, I've changed. Now I feel boring. But its not that. No I still love sex and the men that can bring it. Its just that THAT kind of attention is not what motivates me anymore. And as much as I miss it and as good as it can be, the more I'm without it the more I find that I don't need it. Want it yes, need it no.
What motivates you?
Still haven't answered it. I guess the most interesting people I've met are over 40 and still don't know what they want to be when they grow up. Like me. What motivates me? Every day. Every single day is a new day to try to be the best you. The best person you can be. So that when you try to sleep at night you can sleep instead of think. Every single day could be the day that changed your entire life. So get up. Do what you want with your life. Even if it's just sitting in bed and writing. But do something. Create something. Or someone. Kids are nice. Messy, but nice. But don't create a kid in hopes that they will save you. They will change you, and you will save them. But they won't save you. So if you need saving, don't have kids. Raise yourself first. Love yourself first. Before you try to love anyone else, accept who you are. And like yourself. I promise you if you don't you cannot like or love anyone else. I've seen it happen. I've seen loving men grow to hate themselves and get depressed. I've seen happy people become bitter at the life they have instead of being thankful that they are aware. ALIVE. That's the real motivation. You ARE.
Cheers.
Serious question time. Really. What motivates you? I used to think it was money. That I'd do just about any boring job I really hated to support my family. That got me out of bed every morning and made it worth doing. To get a paycheck that barely covered our bills, if it covered our bills. Over ten years ago I filled for bankruptcy. And I've been up and down since then. Life. You learn how to live it on the run. And unlike all the movies, or music or video games I love there is no pause button to freeze frame a moment in time until you are ready for it. How great would that be? Almost like a time machine.
They say (yes, them again, I know, they say a lot). But they say, that everything happens for a reason and things come to you when you are ready to accept them. That may be true. It also may be false. It may be that your life is your hell. That we live it on earth. (they say that too). It could be that you get what you give. WOW. I hope that's both true and not true, for none of us are safe from bad karma. And then there are the ones that don't think this life matters much at all and have their eyes set on some 'after life' as if all the suffering will be rewarded once they are dead and buried and forgotten.
What motivates you?
Some daydream of a hopeful future with an impossible person? That used to be me too. I used to get bitter at the waiting around for Mr. Right. The testing to see if Mr. So and So was Mr. Right, and being wrong. But at least I tried. At least back in the day, I put myself out there. Now, I write. Now I don't put myself out there. Because now the only men that seem interested in me are unavailable. You could say, that I only feel safe with married men, because I don't want anymore failed relationships and a married man will leave me alone. RIGHT. Married men are the worst. Take it from me. They tell you all sorts of things that are wrong with their wives, and marriages but they don't leave. They run back for many reasons. Depends on the man and his situations. What kills me is they are all very different, but this one thing rings true with all of the ones I've met and had relationships with. They want something from their wives they aren't getting and the wives either don't know they want it, or refuse to give them, so they find it from another woman. But the part that really sucks is that the women don't know or if they do, they don't care. And they still go back to them. The wives feel that their husbands would never cheat on them. That sure, the marriage isn't perfect but what marriage is? Or the ever popular and the one I could never understand because I hate sharing, is, well, let him have his fun, it's only sex. ONLY SEX! WOW. If that were true. There would never be any loss or heartbreak. But it's not only sex. It is so intimate. So revealing. I know things about them that I bet their own wives don't know. And they should. But sometimes its scary to talk to someone you love that much. Someone you are really afraid to lose. See, they aren't really afraid to lose me, and they aren't talking about me, so it's easy to tell me what's wrong. And easy for me to fix it. Temporarily, because they don't stay.
So after three failed marriages, I can say no marriage is perfect. But after three failed marriages I know what NOT to do. And I know what both partners should do. After being a mistress, twice and a shameless flirt more times than I want to admit, I've changed. Now I feel boring. But its not that. No I still love sex and the men that can bring it. Its just that THAT kind of attention is not what motivates me anymore. And as much as I miss it and as good as it can be, the more I'm without it the more I find that I don't need it. Want it yes, need it no.
What motivates you?
Still haven't answered it. I guess the most interesting people I've met are over 40 and still don't know what they want to be when they grow up. Like me. What motivates me? Every day. Every single day is a new day to try to be the best you. The best person you can be. So that when you try to sleep at night you can sleep instead of think. Every single day could be the day that changed your entire life. So get up. Do what you want with your life. Even if it's just sitting in bed and writing. But do something. Create something. Or someone. Kids are nice. Messy, but nice. But don't create a kid in hopes that they will save you. They will change you, and you will save them. But they won't save you. So if you need saving, don't have kids. Raise yourself first. Love yourself first. Before you try to love anyone else, accept who you are. And like yourself. I promise you if you don't you cannot like or love anyone else. I've seen it happen. I've seen loving men grow to hate themselves and get depressed. I've seen happy people become bitter at the life they have instead of being thankful that they are aware. ALIVE. That's the real motivation. You ARE.
Cheers.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Fight Night America!
Had a great time last night at the Fight Night America show. I haven't gotten to see Second Daughter perform in a play since she was in college. Her costuming is great and theatre companies tend to take advantage of a good costumer when one comes along, but last night I got to see her act again. And it was wonderful. Fight Night goes on here in Chicago twice a year, and it's a group of eight ten minute plays all original works written by local artists. And performed by their theatre companies. Second Daughters company, Strange Loop (follow link) https://www.facebook.com/StrangeloopTheatre has a picture up of her that is much better than the one I took. (she's the one sitting down) Anyway, theirs was the only serious fight play in all eight and believe me after the show my cheeks were hurting from all the laughter. Every play is a ten minute fight scene, and if necessary complete with blood. As actors they get to opportunity to fine tune their stage fighting skills and learn how to make blood packs. Lots and lots of blood packs.
After the shows, as tradition would have it, we hung out at the bar downstairs from the theatre, with all the actors and writers and directors from the evening. And of course the audience which was full of more actors and writers and directors. Second Daughter made me a surprise birthday cake, since my birthday is tomorrow, and brought it with her. She unveiled it at the after party, and a great many new friends were made around the cake. To get a piece they only had to wish me a happy birthday. Fun! And full of surprises. One director/writer came up and I found out his birthday is the same as mine, only about 25 years later. LOL And we toasted Bastille Day together being the only people in the room intimate with the date. Another of the actors actually sang happy birthday to me in Polish for his piece. He was the first one too. Very original and very gay. I talked to a lot gay guys last night and that's always fun and then there was one, very not gay, that I actually allowed to talk to me. I found the needle in the haystack! He was nice, unattached, and we broke the ice with a piece of birthday cake. And then he actually helped explain to people as they came up that all they had to do was wish me a happy birthday and get a piece of cake. Nice. Eventually as the cake was depleted by hungry actors, I think Polish Guys actor partner from the scene had three, we discussed the coming zombie apocalypse. He approves of my crow bar weapon and admits he needs more guns before he can come to my island on my boat. Of course we decided the next time we see each other to discuss it more and that we were sure if the zombies attacked before then, we would run into each others crew and be able to say, "I knew you'd make it."
As much as I'm making light of this encounter it is important in its own right. For a few good reasons. 1. This guy seemed single, no woman on his arm, and I was not afraid to talk to him. 2. I didn't just sit and watch the room, I tried to talk to strangers. 3. It felt good to be accepted and not judged by anyone in the room. (well accept the girls that looked longingly at the cake, like it was Johnny Depp, but couldn't either swallow their pride and wish another woman a happy birthday, OR couldn't risk their diets...Youth is wasted on the young.)
Since Second Son is off work today, he and Second Daughter and First Daughter are taking me out to eat at a French restaurant for my birthday and perhaps drinks after. I don't expect it to be as late an evening, since we got in at 3 am this morning, but you never know. Let Birthday week begin! I miss my fellow cancers in Wisconsin this week and next as I'm sure the birthday month will continue there without me, but you all are in my thoughts with fond memories of birthday's past that we shared. Believe me if I could get there I would.
So as Pink would say, Raise Your Glass, and celebrate with me another year gone, and another on the horizon. Oh and don't forget the cake.
Cheers
After the shows, as tradition would have it, we hung out at the bar downstairs from the theatre, with all the actors and writers and directors from the evening. And of course the audience which was full of more actors and writers and directors. Second Daughter made me a surprise birthday cake, since my birthday is tomorrow, and brought it with her. She unveiled it at the after party, and a great many new friends were made around the cake. To get a piece they only had to wish me a happy birthday. Fun! And full of surprises. One director/writer came up and I found out his birthday is the same as mine, only about 25 years later. LOL And we toasted Bastille Day together being the only people in the room intimate with the date. Another of the actors actually sang happy birthday to me in Polish for his piece. He was the first one too. Very original and very gay. I talked to a lot gay guys last night and that's always fun and then there was one, very not gay, that I actually allowed to talk to me. I found the needle in the haystack! He was nice, unattached, and we broke the ice with a piece of birthday cake. And then he actually helped explain to people as they came up that all they had to do was wish me a happy birthday and get a piece of cake. Nice. Eventually as the cake was depleted by hungry actors, I think Polish Guys actor partner from the scene had three, we discussed the coming zombie apocalypse. He approves of my crow bar weapon and admits he needs more guns before he can come to my island on my boat. Of course we decided the next time we see each other to discuss it more and that we were sure if the zombies attacked before then, we would run into each others crew and be able to say, "I knew you'd make it."
As much as I'm making light of this encounter it is important in its own right. For a few good reasons. 1. This guy seemed single, no woman on his arm, and I was not afraid to talk to him. 2. I didn't just sit and watch the room, I tried to talk to strangers. 3. It felt good to be accepted and not judged by anyone in the room. (well accept the girls that looked longingly at the cake, like it was Johnny Depp, but couldn't either swallow their pride and wish another woman a happy birthday, OR couldn't risk their diets...Youth is wasted on the young.)
Since Second Son is off work today, he and Second Daughter and First Daughter are taking me out to eat at a French restaurant for my birthday and perhaps drinks after. I don't expect it to be as late an evening, since we got in at 3 am this morning, but you never know. Let Birthday week begin! I miss my fellow cancers in Wisconsin this week and next as I'm sure the birthday month will continue there without me, but you all are in my thoughts with fond memories of birthday's past that we shared. Believe me if I could get there I would.
So as Pink would say, Raise Your Glass, and celebrate with me another year gone, and another on the horizon. Oh and don't forget the cake.
Cheers
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Don't Believe Everything You Think
Ever get CGB or SBB? (Crazy Girl Brain, or Stupid Boy Brain, for you new readers out there). Well, I do. And I've decided it's a real disorder. Like agoraphobia or some other phobia. But the best way I can explain CGB, and I can only explain CGB because I'm a girl, I assume Stupid Boy Brain works in reverse as all things masculine seem reversed to me. But with CGB, I get a thought, and it crosses my mind...a lot. Back and forth, criss-crossing until it has a mind of its own. A direction, that usually points to the negative scale of my emotions. It's actually too bad I can't have happy CGB, but I guess then it wouldn't be crazy.
And the thoughts compile, with reasons that seem logical, and explanations where I have none, to fill in the gaps of reason. I know what you're thinking....I'm a girl and I can't think logically or with reason. HA! Well, ok...I'll help perpetuate that myth. To me, they seem reasonable conclusions. And in the past, I have not listened to my CGB, because I think its crazy. I also have a really accurate 'gut reaction'. But guess what? I don't listen to it either. Because usually it tells me to NOT do what I want to do.
Go figure.
I wonder who wins in that scenario?
Right. So. This dangerous combination of seeing the red flags and ignoring them, is probably my fatal flaw. One which can make me both endearing and sexy, and infuriatingly hard to deal with. I have a knack for creating my own drama. And so do you. We ALL do. We also all create our own fates. Yep. That's right. We do what we want to do, even if we know it's wrong, or will hurt someone, even ourselves. Because in the end, we are true to ourselves.
But that still doesn't mean you should believe everything you think. Sometimes what you are thinking is the wrong thing. The worst thing for you. Even if it feels good. Even if it seems right. Even if it's easy. The best things in life are worth fighting for, and believing in. I know what I'm fighting for, and I know what I believe in. And I know the choices I've made in my life don't make my life easier. But they are my choices.
And in the end, even if I believe that I'm alone and will always remain this way, maybe its for my own good. Maybe its because I don't want to hurt anyone again like I've hurt people in the past. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I'll learn to be happy like this, and stop wishing that I had that one special man by my side to share my thoughts with. Maybe I'll learn to really like my own company enough to know that I'm wasting my life dreaming and hoping. Or maybe I'll just fade away, like a memory to all those who once thought they knew me.
Or maybe I should stop thinking.
Thinking is the thing I do too much of anyway...over think. Do you do that too? Then you have it. CGB, or SBB. It's a self sacrificing sort of feeling. That instead of being happy, being who you are you become who society thinks you should be. OH that's a dangerous trap. Society won't take care of you when you are old and weak and tired. Society won't hold you on a lonely night, or talk you down from the ledge. Society won't listen to your broken heart and share in your successes.
That's one thing I've really stopped doing. Being what society thinks I should be at my age. I get one life. This one. And I'm making it as happy as I can. And if it doesn't fit in with what you think a 'normal' person should be or do, well...that's not my fault. Thats yours.
See, lots of thinking going on. Lots of directions. At least I'm writing. Up to chapter 10 in the second draft my novel now. Waiting for feedback from Mr. Practical. Missing Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Practical and thinking that maybe I should just disappear. It would make everything so much easier for them.
But, don't believe everything you think....
Cheers
And the thoughts compile, with reasons that seem logical, and explanations where I have none, to fill in the gaps of reason. I know what you're thinking....I'm a girl and I can't think logically or with reason. HA! Well, ok...I'll help perpetuate that myth. To me, they seem reasonable conclusions. And in the past, I have not listened to my CGB, because I think its crazy. I also have a really accurate 'gut reaction'. But guess what? I don't listen to it either. Because usually it tells me to NOT do what I want to do.
Go figure.
I wonder who wins in that scenario?
Right. So. This dangerous combination of seeing the red flags and ignoring them, is probably my fatal flaw. One which can make me both endearing and sexy, and infuriatingly hard to deal with. I have a knack for creating my own drama. And so do you. We ALL do. We also all create our own fates. Yep. That's right. We do what we want to do, even if we know it's wrong, or will hurt someone, even ourselves. Because in the end, we are true to ourselves.
But that still doesn't mean you should believe everything you think. Sometimes what you are thinking is the wrong thing. The worst thing for you. Even if it feels good. Even if it seems right. Even if it's easy. The best things in life are worth fighting for, and believing in. I know what I'm fighting for, and I know what I believe in. And I know the choices I've made in my life don't make my life easier. But they are my choices.
And in the end, even if I believe that I'm alone and will always remain this way, maybe its for my own good. Maybe its because I don't want to hurt anyone again like I've hurt people in the past. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I'll learn to be happy like this, and stop wishing that I had that one special man by my side to share my thoughts with. Maybe I'll learn to really like my own company enough to know that I'm wasting my life dreaming and hoping. Or maybe I'll just fade away, like a memory to all those who once thought they knew me.
Or maybe I should stop thinking.
Thinking is the thing I do too much of anyway...over think. Do you do that too? Then you have it. CGB, or SBB. It's a self sacrificing sort of feeling. That instead of being happy, being who you are you become who society thinks you should be. OH that's a dangerous trap. Society won't take care of you when you are old and weak and tired. Society won't hold you on a lonely night, or talk you down from the ledge. Society won't listen to your broken heart and share in your successes.
That's one thing I've really stopped doing. Being what society thinks I should be at my age. I get one life. This one. And I'm making it as happy as I can. And if it doesn't fit in with what you think a 'normal' person should be or do, well...that's not my fault. Thats yours.
See, lots of thinking going on. Lots of directions. At least I'm writing. Up to chapter 10 in the second draft my novel now. Waiting for feedback from Mr. Practical. Missing Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Practical and thinking that maybe I should just disappear. It would make everything so much easier for them.
But, don't believe everything you think....
Cheers
Sunday, June 29, 2014
I Know Things Now - Little Red Riding Hood, "Into The Woods"
Memory lane is an inviting path when you are walking alone on your journey. Of course it has its pitfalls, and dangerous points that you must skirt, but all in all, if you choose to, you can remember your past as the good things that happened instead of the bad. Funny thing is, sometimes we choose to only see the bad. We become our own worst enemies and usually that happens at the worst possible times. Hindsight allows us to see it clearly, when we are immersed in it, it is cloudy.
I'm far from perfect, but I'm so much better at this than I used to be. I know some people think I'm romanticizing my past romances or almost romances. Maybe I am. All I know is that when I did the work I needed to get rid of the rage that was almost my destruction, I faced all that past hurt. All that betrayal. From everyone that had ever hurt me. I mean really faced it. Its much harder than it sounds and you can talk the talk, but if you don't walk the walk you will not get better.
I got better not because I remembered the betrayals and attacks and lost loves. The things both done to me and the things I did to others. But because I FORGAVE them. And here's the hardest part....FORGAVE myself.
See people think all you have to do is face your problems and they will go away. That works sometimes for fears, like riding a bike or swimming. Once you try you see it's easy and wonder why you were ever afraid. Fears are much easier to face then self betrayal.
That's right...self betrayal. I get so tired of hearing people lament on Facebook or in other social media on how their life sucks and everyone has hurt them, and they can't go on. I understand feeling like you really want to end it. But the other funny thing about that is, that when you are really serious about killing yourself, you either get help, or you succeed. I really love myself. Deep down inside I always did. Even when I blamed myself for the rapes, and affairs and betrayals. I never let anyone else take the blame. Which was wrong. I took MORE than my share of the blame, as some kind of high priestess martyr. How pathetic was that? And no wonder I seemed to be surrounded by a cloud of anger.
I took ten years to be alone, raising my kids, no partners, no serious lovers, and once in a blue moon, maybe a one night stand to feel something. The only thing I felt was dirty, and unfulfilled. Without the love I'd known attached to sex, it meant nothing. And I'd rather be alone than fake it. Besides, as a good friend reminded me, sometimes alone is best. You KNOW what you like.
After coming close to feeling like I'd had enough on my plate forever, and not wanting to feel dumped and cheated on, yet again...I got the final professional help I had needed all my life. Group therapy saved my life. And the people I met there are always on my mind, even if it becomes difficult to talk with them often. After all we know all our secrets. No smoke and mirror shows with that group. I still want to hug them all and wish them well.
The choices I make now, in my new city, are choices that I don't regret. Am I thinking more before I act? Maybe...maybe not. But I know I'm happy with the decisions I'm making. There are people I love that I will always love. As deep connections or even past lovers. But loving them is not wrong. Love is never wrong. Kindness, compassion, communication, all of these are love. Being there when a friend needs an ear, even if your life is falling apart, that's love. Having the ability to just hold a hand or let someone cry on your shoulder with no other agenda, that's love. I know the difference, I guess somewhere deep down inside I've always known the difference. But see, it doesn't matter to me what someone else's motives are. It only matters what mine are. Forgive yourself. It's the real road to happiness.
Cheers
I'm far from perfect, but I'm so much better at this than I used to be. I know some people think I'm romanticizing my past romances or almost romances. Maybe I am. All I know is that when I did the work I needed to get rid of the rage that was almost my destruction, I faced all that past hurt. All that betrayal. From everyone that had ever hurt me. I mean really faced it. Its much harder than it sounds and you can talk the talk, but if you don't walk the walk you will not get better.
I got better not because I remembered the betrayals and attacks and lost loves. The things both done to me and the things I did to others. But because I FORGAVE them. And here's the hardest part....FORGAVE myself.
See people think all you have to do is face your problems and they will go away. That works sometimes for fears, like riding a bike or swimming. Once you try you see it's easy and wonder why you were ever afraid. Fears are much easier to face then self betrayal.
That's right...self betrayal. I get so tired of hearing people lament on Facebook or in other social media on how their life sucks and everyone has hurt them, and they can't go on. I understand feeling like you really want to end it. But the other funny thing about that is, that when you are really serious about killing yourself, you either get help, or you succeed. I really love myself. Deep down inside I always did. Even when I blamed myself for the rapes, and affairs and betrayals. I never let anyone else take the blame. Which was wrong. I took MORE than my share of the blame, as some kind of high priestess martyr. How pathetic was that? And no wonder I seemed to be surrounded by a cloud of anger.
I took ten years to be alone, raising my kids, no partners, no serious lovers, and once in a blue moon, maybe a one night stand to feel something. The only thing I felt was dirty, and unfulfilled. Without the love I'd known attached to sex, it meant nothing. And I'd rather be alone than fake it. Besides, as a good friend reminded me, sometimes alone is best. You KNOW what you like.
After coming close to feeling like I'd had enough on my plate forever, and not wanting to feel dumped and cheated on, yet again...I got the final professional help I had needed all my life. Group therapy saved my life. And the people I met there are always on my mind, even if it becomes difficult to talk with them often. After all we know all our secrets. No smoke and mirror shows with that group. I still want to hug them all and wish them well.
The choices I make now, in my new city, are choices that I don't regret. Am I thinking more before I act? Maybe...maybe not. But I know I'm happy with the decisions I'm making. There are people I love that I will always love. As deep connections or even past lovers. But loving them is not wrong. Love is never wrong. Kindness, compassion, communication, all of these are love. Being there when a friend needs an ear, even if your life is falling apart, that's love. Having the ability to just hold a hand or let someone cry on your shoulder with no other agenda, that's love. I know the difference, I guess somewhere deep down inside I've always known the difference. But see, it doesn't matter to me what someone else's motives are. It only matters what mine are. Forgive yourself. It's the real road to happiness.
Cheers
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Motives
As usual in my life I'm thinking too much. I do this a lot and it makes for CGB. Or what I have lovingly called Crazy Girl Brain. Motives are a funny thing. I usually know what mine are, I say usually because sometimes we even fool ourselves into believing that something we know to be true is not. Or worse, something we know deep down is a lie, is the truth. I recently have been through some pot holes on the journey of my life, and they were quite deep and dark, and one almost broke me, but I climbed out with the help of Mr. Practical and That Guy and moved on.
But now I'm watching people I love having gone through some of the same things, some not. Who's to say what's worse, everyone's situation is awful if you are hurt. No matter how menial it may appear to someone else, or how much you may have created your own drama. Blame is not an issue when you get your trust broken, or your belief in yourself shattered. Who do you trust when you can't trust yourself to pick wisely? Who do you trust when you fall for the big con?
Con artists, and players, and I've known a few, don't realize what they destroy in you when they set you up as their next mark. They probably feel very successful when you believe their lies. They must feel good, or they wouldn't do it, right? That sounds right. I don't know, maybe it's a good thing that I don't understand it. Just like I don't understand the criminal mind. I'd be too scared to be caught, to do anything that would land me in jail. But some people don't really care about the law, or issues we 'apparently' have voted into law. It's so hard to know anymore the way our politicians hide things in bills. I've become very jaded when it comes to politics, and anyone that is motivated to run for public office or work for them. But don't get me started on that.
Or maybe you should....Maybe if I'd been more vocal about my opinion on politics and the evil that is our system of government, and how I have learned not to trust anyone that is drawn into it, maybe some of my loved ones would have seen red flags earlier, maybe not. Maybe I shouldn't sit in silence while I watch my children and loved ones make the same mistakes in judgement that I have. Maybe, like my mother before me, I should just say what I feel and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe I'd loose a lot of friends and loved ones if I did that. Maybe people don't like to be disagreed with. Maybe people need to find out for themselves and make their own mistakes and the more you babble about 'what you feel' or 'what you've been through' the more they think you are just talking about yourself instead of trying to help.
Well, at least that's how I feel now. I try to give people I care about advice, and it's honest and without motive. Yeah....right.....I hear you disbelieving. But I've cut my nose off to spite my face before and I'd do it again if it were the right thing, the honest thing, to do. I can't abide liars. Especially ones that lie to themselves about being happy or feeling that a commitment can never change. People change. We live, we die. We fall in love and we fall out of love. It's no ones fault. It just happens. People need someone to blame. That is really sad. But I've done that too. Now I just don't have the energy to blame anyone. Not anymore...well, I guess I blame myself more than anyone else for what happens to me. And what I do. And rightfully so. But I don't think most people do that. I think most people blame everyone except themselves.
So today, for one day, look at your life and every time something bugs you or bothers you, or pisses you off, blame yourself. Because if you don't like your life, change it. If you don't like yourself, change yourself until you DO. Because heres the real secret of life: We are all alone. All the time. Doesn't matter what commitments you may have fallen into. In the end, you will do what you want with your life, no matter what. And if you are still of the belief that you don't want to die alone....Guess what baby, you will anyway. We all do. Even surrounded by loved ones, you are still dying alone. No one is going through it with you, so you may as well start to love yourself before that happens. LIVE YOUR LIFE. Not someone else's. If you do, in the end, you will have wasted your time in this existence. And no one, NO ONE, knows for sure what, if anything, comes after this awareness.
Cheers.
But now I'm watching people I love having gone through some of the same things, some not. Who's to say what's worse, everyone's situation is awful if you are hurt. No matter how menial it may appear to someone else, or how much you may have created your own drama. Blame is not an issue when you get your trust broken, or your belief in yourself shattered. Who do you trust when you can't trust yourself to pick wisely? Who do you trust when you fall for the big con?
Con artists, and players, and I've known a few, don't realize what they destroy in you when they set you up as their next mark. They probably feel very successful when you believe their lies. They must feel good, or they wouldn't do it, right? That sounds right. I don't know, maybe it's a good thing that I don't understand it. Just like I don't understand the criminal mind. I'd be too scared to be caught, to do anything that would land me in jail. But some people don't really care about the law, or issues we 'apparently' have voted into law. It's so hard to know anymore the way our politicians hide things in bills. I've become very jaded when it comes to politics, and anyone that is motivated to run for public office or work for them. But don't get me started on that.
Or maybe you should....Maybe if I'd been more vocal about my opinion on politics and the evil that is our system of government, and how I have learned not to trust anyone that is drawn into it, maybe some of my loved ones would have seen red flags earlier, maybe not. Maybe I shouldn't sit in silence while I watch my children and loved ones make the same mistakes in judgement that I have. Maybe, like my mother before me, I should just say what I feel and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe I'd loose a lot of friends and loved ones if I did that. Maybe people don't like to be disagreed with. Maybe people need to find out for themselves and make their own mistakes and the more you babble about 'what you feel' or 'what you've been through' the more they think you are just talking about yourself instead of trying to help.
Well, at least that's how I feel now. I try to give people I care about advice, and it's honest and without motive. Yeah....right.....I hear you disbelieving. But I've cut my nose off to spite my face before and I'd do it again if it were the right thing, the honest thing, to do. I can't abide liars. Especially ones that lie to themselves about being happy or feeling that a commitment can never change. People change. We live, we die. We fall in love and we fall out of love. It's no ones fault. It just happens. People need someone to blame. That is really sad. But I've done that too. Now I just don't have the energy to blame anyone. Not anymore...well, I guess I blame myself more than anyone else for what happens to me. And what I do. And rightfully so. But I don't think most people do that. I think most people blame everyone except themselves.
So today, for one day, look at your life and every time something bugs you or bothers you, or pisses you off, blame yourself. Because if you don't like your life, change it. If you don't like yourself, change yourself until you DO. Because heres the real secret of life: We are all alone. All the time. Doesn't matter what commitments you may have fallen into. In the end, you will do what you want with your life, no matter what. And if you are still of the belief that you don't want to die alone....Guess what baby, you will anyway. We all do. Even surrounded by loved ones, you are still dying alone. No one is going through it with you, so you may as well start to love yourself before that happens. LIVE YOUR LIFE. Not someone else's. If you do, in the end, you will have wasted your time in this existence. And no one, NO ONE, knows for sure what, if anything, comes after this awareness.
Cheers.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
AND STALLED.....
Well, I was writing. Now I'm trying to get feedback. Don't get me wrong here, Mr. Practical is trying hard to give it to me, but our schedules don't always jive. So, we try to meet every night. Its nice, actually, even if we don't give feedback or write together, we are talking and that helps the flow. He has started on his second draft and I can't wait to read it. I'm going to start the second draft of chapter five today, with or without feedback from chapter three and four, because I have a golden opportunity of being alone for several hours, as my second family takes Ginger Snap to visit his dad for the summer.
Its been a bittersweet morning, spending time with him, taking pictures of them all together on this father's day, and knowing how quiet and sad it's going to be around here with him gone. But it's not forever, and I'm sure we will talk daily. And there will be a lot more opportunities to write undisturbed. Which is the real trick for me, I need it quiet, so I can be lost in my little world. Listening to my characters act out the scenes in my head.
Of course being a woman I can't decide what I should do first with my newly acquired alone time....I also want to dye my hair again. But I will not be doing the same thing. I'm going for a new look with new colors and I'm so excited. I think I'll start with the hair and while it's processing write. With Mr. Practical at work we will be chatting off and on all day. I love Sundays. It's the time I get to be with him in the largest chunks of time.
It appears to be a good day for travel, not too hot not too cold. The kind of day both my parents would have enjoyed. It's a shame they aren't still living, I would love for them to see more of their grandchildren and how proud I am of them. Both my son and daughter have grown up into respectable adults, with their own problems that I try to stay out of. I have confidence that I gave them enough skills to handle anything, even if sometimes they don't believe enough in themselves, I always do. And now I have little Sammy Bo Baggins and Ginger Snap to help get to adulthood. And what an honor it is when any parent trusts you with their children. I love them like my own grandchildren, or how I imagine I would if I had grandchildren.
This time is so precious to me. I get the chance to help raise them. I worked almost the entire time my children were growing up, and I missed out on so many firsts. I understand now how happy it made my mom to be the live in nanny for me. What a rare opportunity to help raise your grandchildren. And I know my kids miss her almost as much as I do. She imprinted on us all, and we will never forget her. Its funny, I know I should probably be trying to remember my father more on this fathers' day, but it's my mom who comes to mind. She raised me alone from 10 years old on, and for me she was both parents. And a great inspiration to me as I raised my own children as a single parent from ages 5 and 11. For the most part I believe I had a great example on not only 'how to be' but even some 'how not to be's' thrown in there. And that's normal too, for every generation gets better, learns more sooner, and becomes more tolerant. At least if we are doing it right at parenting they should. Lets try to remember our mothers and fathers, on these days, as human. As people who make mistakes, but love us and tried as hard as they could to protect us and teach us everything they know. I know I did.
Cheers
Its been a bittersweet morning, spending time with him, taking pictures of them all together on this father's day, and knowing how quiet and sad it's going to be around here with him gone. But it's not forever, and I'm sure we will talk daily. And there will be a lot more opportunities to write undisturbed. Which is the real trick for me, I need it quiet, so I can be lost in my little world. Listening to my characters act out the scenes in my head.
Of course being a woman I can't decide what I should do first with my newly acquired alone time....I also want to dye my hair again. But I will not be doing the same thing. I'm going for a new look with new colors and I'm so excited. I think I'll start with the hair and while it's processing write. With Mr. Practical at work we will be chatting off and on all day. I love Sundays. It's the time I get to be with him in the largest chunks of time.
It appears to be a good day for travel, not too hot not too cold. The kind of day both my parents would have enjoyed. It's a shame they aren't still living, I would love for them to see more of their grandchildren and how proud I am of them. Both my son and daughter have grown up into respectable adults, with their own problems that I try to stay out of. I have confidence that I gave them enough skills to handle anything, even if sometimes they don't believe enough in themselves, I always do. And now I have little Sammy Bo Baggins and Ginger Snap to help get to adulthood. And what an honor it is when any parent trusts you with their children. I love them like my own grandchildren, or how I imagine I would if I had grandchildren.
This time is so precious to me. I get the chance to help raise them. I worked almost the entire time my children were growing up, and I missed out on so many firsts. I understand now how happy it made my mom to be the live in nanny for me. What a rare opportunity to help raise your grandchildren. And I know my kids miss her almost as much as I do. She imprinted on us all, and we will never forget her. Its funny, I know I should probably be trying to remember my father more on this fathers' day, but it's my mom who comes to mind. She raised me alone from 10 years old on, and for me she was both parents. And a great inspiration to me as I raised my own children as a single parent from ages 5 and 11. For the most part I believe I had a great example on not only 'how to be' but even some 'how not to be's' thrown in there. And that's normal too, for every generation gets better, learns more sooner, and becomes more tolerant. At least if we are doing it right at parenting they should. Lets try to remember our mothers and fathers, on these days, as human. As people who make mistakes, but love us and tried as hard as they could to protect us and teach us everything they know. I know I did.
Cheers
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