Memory lane is an inviting path when you are walking alone on your journey. Of course it has its pitfalls, and dangerous points that you must skirt, but all in all, if you choose to, you can remember your past as the good things that happened instead of the bad. Funny thing is, sometimes we choose to only see the bad. We become our own worst enemies and usually that happens at the worst possible times. Hindsight allows us to see it clearly, when we are immersed in it, it is cloudy.
I'm far from perfect, but I'm so much better at this than I used to be. I know some people think I'm romanticizing my past romances or almost romances. Maybe I am. All I know is that when I did the work I needed to get rid of the rage that was almost my destruction, I faced all that past hurt. All that betrayal. From everyone that had ever hurt me. I mean really faced it. Its much harder than it sounds and you can talk the talk, but if you don't walk the walk you will not get better.
I got better not because I remembered the betrayals and attacks and lost loves. The things both done to me and the things I did to others. But because I FORGAVE them. And here's the hardest part....FORGAVE myself.
See people think all you have to do is face your problems and they will go away. That works sometimes for fears, like riding a bike or swimming. Once you try you see it's easy and wonder why you were ever afraid. Fears are much easier to face then self betrayal.
That's right...self betrayal. I get so tired of hearing people lament on Facebook or in other social media on how their life sucks and everyone has hurt them, and they can't go on. I understand feeling like you really want to end it. But the other funny thing about that is, that when you are really serious about killing yourself, you either get help, or you succeed. I really love myself. Deep down inside I always did. Even when I blamed myself for the rapes, and affairs and betrayals. I never let anyone else take the blame. Which was wrong. I took MORE than my share of the blame, as some kind of high priestess martyr. How pathetic was that? And no wonder I seemed to be surrounded by a cloud of anger.
I took ten years to be alone, raising my kids, no partners, no serious lovers, and once in a blue moon, maybe a one night stand to feel something. The only thing I felt was dirty, and unfulfilled. Without the love I'd known attached to sex, it meant nothing. And I'd rather be alone than fake it. Besides, as a good friend reminded me, sometimes alone is best. You KNOW what you like.
After coming close to feeling like I'd had enough on my plate forever, and not wanting to feel dumped and cheated on, yet again...I got the final professional help I had needed all my life. Group therapy saved my life. And the people I met there are always on my mind, even if it becomes difficult to talk with them often. After all we know all our secrets. No smoke and mirror shows with that group. I still want to hug them all and wish them well.
The choices I make now, in my new city, are choices that I don't regret. Am I thinking more before I act? Maybe...maybe not. But I know I'm happy with the decisions I'm making. There are people I love that I will always love. As deep connections or even past lovers. But loving them is not wrong. Love is never wrong. Kindness, compassion, communication, all of these are love. Being there when a friend needs an ear, even if your life is falling apart, that's love. Having the ability to just hold a hand or let someone cry on your shoulder with no other agenda, that's love. I know the difference, I guess somewhere deep down inside I've always known the difference. But see, it doesn't matter to me what someone else's motives are. It only matters what mine are. Forgive yourself. It's the real road to happiness.
Cheers
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