Motives

As usual in my life I'm thinking too much.  I do this a lot and it makes for CGB.  Or what I have lovingly called Crazy Girl Brain.  Motives are a funny thing.  I usually know what mine are, I say usually because sometimes we even fool ourselves into believing that something we know to be true is not.  Or worse, something we know deep down is a lie, is the truth.  I recently have been through some pot holes on the journey of my life, and they were quite deep and dark, and one almost broke me, but I climbed out with the help of Mr. Practical and That Guy and moved on.

But now I'm watching people I love having gone through some of the same things, some not.  Who's to say what's worse, everyone's situation is awful if you are hurt.  No matter how menial it may appear to someone else, or how much you may have created your own drama.  Blame is not an issue when you get your trust broken, or your belief in yourself shattered.  Who do you trust when you can't trust yourself to pick wisely?  Who do you trust when you fall for the big con?

Con artists, and players, and I've known a few, don't realize what they destroy in you when they set you up as their next mark.  They probably feel very successful when you believe their lies.  They must feel good, or they wouldn't do it, right?  That sounds right.  I don't know, maybe it's a good thing that I don't understand it.  Just like I don't understand the criminal mind.  I'd be too scared to be caught, to do anything that would land me in jail.  But some people don't really care about the law, or issues we 'apparently' have voted into law.  It's so hard to know anymore the way our politicians hide things in bills.  I've become very jaded when it comes to politics, and anyone that is motivated to run for public office or work for them.  But don't get me started on that.

Or maybe you should....Maybe if I'd been more vocal about my opinion on politics and the evil that is our system of government, and how I have learned not to trust anyone that is drawn into it, maybe some of my loved ones would have seen red flags earlier, maybe not.  Maybe I shouldn't sit in silence while I watch my children and loved ones make the same mistakes in judgement that I have.  Maybe, like my mother before me, I should just say what I feel and let the chips fall where they may.  Maybe I'd loose a lot of friends and loved ones if I did that.  Maybe people don't like to be disagreed with.  Maybe people need to find out for themselves and make their own mistakes and the more you babble about 'what you feel' or 'what you've been through' the more they think you are just talking about yourself instead of trying to help.

Well, at least that's how I feel now.  I try to give people I care about advice, and it's honest and without motive.  Yeah....right.....I hear you disbelieving.  But I've cut my nose off to spite my face before and I'd do it again if it were the right thing, the honest thing, to do.  I can't abide liars.  Especially ones that lie to themselves about being happy or feeling that a commitment can never change.  People change.  We live, we die.  We fall in love and we fall out of love.  It's no ones fault.  It just happens.  People need someone to blame.  That is really sad.  But I've done that too.  Now I just don't have the energy to blame anyone.  Not anymore...well, I guess I blame myself more than anyone else for what happens to me.  And what I do.  And rightfully so.  But I don't think most people do that.  I think most people blame everyone except themselves.

So today, for one day, look at your life and every time something bugs you or bothers you, or pisses you off, blame yourself.  Because if you don't like your life, change it.  If you don't like yourself, change yourself until you DO.  Because heres the real secret of life:  We are all alone.  All the time.  Doesn't matter what commitments you may have fallen into.  In the end, you will do what you want with your life, no matter what.  And if you are still of the belief that you don't want to die alone....Guess what baby, you will anyway.  We all do.  Even surrounded by loved ones, you are still dying alone.  No one is going through it with you, so you may as well start to love yourself before that happens.  LIVE YOUR LIFE.  Not someone else's.  If you do, in the end, you will have wasted your time in this existence.  And no one, NO ONE, knows for sure what, if anything, comes after this awareness.

Cheers.