Sunday, April 19, 2015

You’re My Best Friend- You know who you are

In my life I’ve had a nice run of ‘best friends’.  People I trusted so much I could tell them anything, almost everything.  Sometimes it was a man, sometimes a woman.  But when I have one, and I honestly can’t think of a time in my life that someone wasn’t willing to at least listen, I’ve felt less alone, and never lonely. (thanks now to my best friends: Mr. Hopeful, The Poet In My Heart, and She of Little Combat Boots).

The only time when that didn’t seem true was when I was depressed.  Then, even the friends and best friends that reached out to me didn’t seem like it was worth the effort to talk with them or be with anyone.  And it had nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me and my attitude towards my depression.  Or in my case, my stubbornness to let go of someone that was making me depressed. Actually two someones, (Mr. Practical, and Mr. Charisma) but they are completely gone from my life and I’ve discovered that when you hold on to a relationship that makes you sad more than it makes you happy, this can add to or create a depression.  A hopelessness about life that weighs on you like the world.  Every problem that seemed solvable when not depressed becomes overbearing when depressed.  Our worlds tend to dissolve into a hermit like state, that while some alone time is good, alone time lying in bed and thinking too much is never good.

Unfortunately, your best friends will tell you all the right things to do:  “Don’t think so much”.  “Get out of your own head”.  “Leave, change your life”.  “Make a start, do something”.  “Breathe”.  But none of these very good ideas seem like the right thing, and most of us fighting with depression will find themselves paralyzed to do anything but lay in that bed and do all the worst things you can.

I was clinically and emotionally depressed after Mr. Charisma left me.  But it wasn’t because he left or chose someone else or all the things my stubborn mind tried to convince me.  See I didn’t really love him anyway so why would him leaving bring out all the traditional jealous female emotions?  Because I had been depressed alone and never really knew it, and the thought of being alone again and letting that depression win, was more than I could handle. That, and all the negative triggers he sprung in my memory. Being alone, and being afraid of that instead of using that to be creative or do the things I wanted to do, (like I am now with my solitude) was the straw that broke the camels back.

Now that I’m not actually fighting with depression daily, more like every few months or so, or a twinge here and there, I can see it for what it was.  That DOES NOT mean that everyones depression is easily solved or that there is a pill or potion for that. Believe me I tried a lot of self medication and prescribed.  And while both seemed to help, and some really did, in the end it was a deep commitment to love myself and believe and myself and the most important thing, NEVER, NEVER give up, that helped me out of the deep dark pit, that I had thrown myself into.

Never let your own negative impression of yourself get in the way of the real person you are.  Because its true that everyone is unique and different, and yet we are all very much the same.  And so many people suffer from a low self esteem and a depression about life, that I believe we are all just walking past each other, glued to our phones, and never really taking the time to help make a difference in others lives.

I don’t stay glued to my phone in public like most people on the bus or train.  I look around at people, I make eye contact and I smile.  Not grin like a fool, just a small smile of understanding and greeting, and you know what?  Sometimes, another person sees this and returns the smile.  Unfortunately sometimes I’m the only person on the bus or train not looking at my phone, but in those opportunities I can look out the window and enjoy the scenery of the bustling city as it flies by.  Think about the little things in life, and be happy that I’m still alive and that I didn’t give up.

So if you find yourself depressed, or ‘in a slump’ or ‘out of sorts’ just give it time, and try to remember when you were happy, because I guarantee you were not born this way.  We are born joyful, in all states.  And we slowly become what we are exposed to.  That is what flavors us and takes away our childlike innocence and joy.  Remember who you are, and what you want, and then DO THAT.  BE THAT.  Because fighting that will only make it worse.