Sunday, August 25, 2013

Armor On....Walls Down, But Supplies For Building At Hand

I remember telling my children things like the following:  "I'm only doing this because I love you and I want you to grow up to be a good person." or "I know it hurts sometimes to hear the truth, but believe me when I tell you that..." or the worst one but still full of truth, "This hurts me more than it hurts you."  All said in regards to some behavior that needed changing for them to grow up to be responsible, respectful, adults.  With the ability to control themselves in situations where others lose it.  I remember being this kind of parent.  Funny....I don't remember HAVING this kind of parent.

I remember a lot of verbal abuse.  Yelling one minute because of a mistake I made or an accident that happened, or a failure on my part.  Yelling at me at how stupid I was, or how a dumb or retarded person would have known better.  Never any questions put to me in a rational tone, of why would you do that?  Just in case, Oh I don't know, maybe to find out IF I knew better before announcing that any daughter of her's or his would be that stupid.  ALWAYS assuming I knew better.  Maybe I did, but I don't remember it feeling that way.  I remember feeling stupid.  I remember after repeated accusations believing that I am dumb.

I know I have my mother's temper...the nut doesn't fall too far from the tree.  And I'm not proud of that, although I can say with much certainty that I was always proud of her.  Even when she was yelling at me.  I loved her so much that I always felt this great despair at having disappointed her.  And would always try to do better.  Never repeating the same mistakes, but making all new ones every time she exploded.  Just like all kids do as they are growing up and learning.

I guess by modern standards this would be considered verbal abuse.  Since it continued all her life and mine with her, and was rarely if ever amended with an apology after, or a calm explanation as to WHY she said what she said.  Something like, "You aren't dumb but the thing you DID was dumb." would have really helped me.  When I was younger and my kids did a dumb thing I would yell at them the same way she did at me.  BUT 80% of the time I'd remember, after calming down, adding an apology.   You see I swore to myself as a child that if I were ever lucky enough to have children, I would never treat them the way my mom treated me.  I would respect them more.  And while they may have a different percentage in mind, I know I'm better than she was.  And I believe my kids are more patient and have more understanding than I do.  Every generation gets better if you breed right. ;)

Anyway, I'm not really trying to use this as an excuse for my 'strong' personality.  Or my quick fuse, which by-the-way burns quickly too.  I'm not one to hold a grudge or stay angry long.  I am not stupid or dumb.  And I have a very rational mind.  I think things through...VERY quickly for some...So quickly for others that they assume that I'm not thinking at all.  I can't communicate very well with those types, but I still try.  For I have a great need to be understood.  And HATE it when I'm misunderstood.   It is a wound that cuts so deep, because I never felt understood by the one parent that I wanted to understand me the most.  That for me the solution is to run, not try to be understood.  To throw up my hands in defeat, because I was never given the change to be understood while growing up, in my most impressionable years.

Again I'm not trying to use this as an excuse for bad behavior.

Think of this weeks blog as a big hug for me.  A public attempt to help myself admit a problem that has reoccured in my life that while I believe I have changed and grown, apparently I'm failing miserably at. And am very misunderstood by the very loved ones that I had hoped understood me the best.

I'm very fragile and sensitive and want to stay that way.  But my bitterness is making that almost impossible.  And soon I fear I will crawl inside my hard shell of armor and just be alone with my own company.  I can handle that, perhaps better than most.  Not because I choose it.  But because I am USED to it.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Learning To Live Without Drama

Coming from a history of drama meaning everything was ok, and my parents were still together is a hard habit to break.  And a pattern that I inadvertently brought to each of my relationships as I left my mothers home and began to have my own.  I'm not saying that this need to feel drama in my life was the reason that my marriages failed.  I'm only admitting my side of why they failed.  Each husband has his own faults that contributed to their side of them failing.  But I am admitting that it was at least half of why I failed.  Two sides to every story and all.

And the same goes for the relationships that did not continue to marriage...only my half.  This time around I'm learning to breathe and to stress less about little things.  To talk more openly about my feelings to him, instead of well meaning girlfriends or guyfriends.

Its not that I don't trust my friends.  I do.  Or they wouldn't be my friends.  It's just that after all this time, I've finally figured out that the happiest and healthiest couples talk to each other about the issues and problems that arise in their relationship, first.  And rarely need a second persons opinion if they are in love enough to come to a compromise or hold each other through a CGB or SBB moment.  (Crazy Girl Brain or Stupid Boy Brain for those of you not familiar with my shorthand)

Sometimes, if I'm not satisfied with the compromise or am still not sure in my brain what I'm feeling or thinking, I will now share with one special girlfriend or my daughter or son.  But for the most part now that I've found a man that wants to help me, as much as I help him, I talk to him first.  And I've missed this feeling of 'you and me against the world'.  I've really not felt this way in many, many years.  And I hope it lasts.  I have no doubt that it will.  I know from experience that the only thing to kill communication between people that love each other is to stop.  And I have not intension of ever stopping.  I like to talk too much for that.  

Time for more coffee and some romantic geeking out with my man before we have our one day off together each week.  Remember to do something today that is fun and just for you.  I am.


Sunday, August 11, 2013

Accepting The Calm

Rainy mornings are my favorites.  Waking up to a soft and gentle rain, like today, and sitting here with coffee and my macbook watching it build; soothes my mind from it usual morning worries.  It allows me to breathe in the scent of the earth, which makes me relax....and sneeze.  I love the smell of the earth after a good rain, when the sun comes out.  I always run to a window to look for the rainbow that I was told in Sunday school, and then later taught in science class, would be there.  And it always is, even if very faint.  I'm am reassured with the consistency of that promise of faith and science.  I've heard it said that if God has a scent it would be that aroma.  And I find it interesting that it is one of the scents that almost everyone loves.  Makes you wonder if that 'old wives tale' might be true.  I'm not one to believe in something I can't touch or prove.  But there is something about a rainbow that makes me wonder.  Gives me pause.  I debate with myself over it and cling to a slim belief that perhaps, someday, science will go so far as to prove the existence of God.  Wouldn't that be a kick in the head?

Being in a calm state like this, where I'm actually out of my head and it's daily worries, is not my natural state.  But I long for it, need it.  And have found only a handful of interests that help me acquire this state.  Most of them not as simple as a gentle rain, nor as free.  Nor as emotionally cleansing.  And I rarely find a person I can share this with.  I'm lucky to have found the few in my life that I have found.

The rain has mostly stopped now, and while the sun may not make it out the birds are already chirping in their morning bath.   And as usual, greeting the day way before I'm ready to join in.  I am looking forward to a very lazy day filled with whatever our hearts desire.  With little or no responsibilities, and much joy.  My hope is that everyone reading this will have the same experience before their worlds of drudgery call them to respond.

For me, just today, if you can, try to relax, breathe.  Without a schedule.  Just live.  Do yourself a favor.  Just Be.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Perception vs Emotion

"Studies have shown that 90% of error in thinking is due to error in perception.  If you can change your perception, you can change your emotion and this can lead to new ideas" - Edward de Bono

I was recently challenged, last night in fact, with a thought that I figure I knew all along, but refused to trust enough.  Emotion clouds the mind, and heart sometimes, and perception is everything.  It really is.  I find I have been going through my life almost exclusively with my own perceptions.  I know you must be saying a variety of things in your mind right now, depending on where you are in your own personal journey.  Things like, "How stubborn or short sighted of you." or "That surprises me, you seem so open minded." or "How can you do anything else, for life is perception."  And I feel the same way.  

How can I go through my life so sure of myself and my opinions?  When intellectually I know that they are only my perceptions of whatever life is showing me right now.  That that perception could change in a heartbeat, and I could change my mind and have to restructure a lifetime, of beliefs.  I guess the only saving grace I have is that I'm not afraid to change my mind, or perceptions and opinions, when proven that I'm missing something.  I know that might be harder for some of you to do, or admit that you can do.  Perhaps its a gender thing.  After all they do say, "Its a woman's prerogative to change her mind." 

Does that mean it's not an option for men?  That they have to be right?  That their inborn need to be strong, and the hero, and save us, makes it impossible for them to be wrong?  For it they are proven to see their perceptions changed, does that mean they are weak and therefore unable to be our rocks, because they had to change their minds?  And women are flaky and fickle because they are adaptable?   I can't believe that it is that simple, nor should I or the above quote means less coming from a man.  

So it must be a bit of both, the gender thing, and a personal thing.  An inability to accept failure, or that we were wrong on a belief.  I suppose this is more difficult to accept the more serious the failure to understand is, or rather the more serious the repercussions of  my perceptions.

The interesting thing about change is that it is all perception.  It is a slow and meticulous process that strips down everything you believe only to have you rebuild.  And yet the process can be so subtle that we hardly ever notice that we are changing until we have changed.  And as I've said before, "Plus ca change, Plus c'est la meme chose - RUSH "Circumstances" (The more things change, the more they stay the same.)

But as much as I love that quote, and respect it's author, I have to admit that while changing, I don't FEEL that.  I feel more like the more things change the more they FUCKING change!  But I can't say that in french.   I understand what it means, the more things change the more they stay the same.  Because after we change, and grow, it is the new perception of who we are.  So therefore the same.  But it's different too.  It's change.  And change is always good.  Even if you think it's the end of everything.  Its not.  It's just a new beginning.  A new perception of your universe.  And all that matters is YOUR universe.  

All that matters is your perception of your reality.  And how life and the decisions you make, change your perceptions.   Make you grow.  Make you move toward what pleases you.  This is a physical and emotional change.  That can be both conscious and sub-conscious.  For we really do create the reality we want to have.  We are aware, and we exist in the universe to be the wonderful individuals that we are.  NO ONE is exactly like you.  Even if you are a twin, you are unique and different among humans.  And you should revel in the joy that you are YOU.  

Never let anyone take your voice, your thoughts, or your beliefs and make you feel like they are not important, or that you are wrong.  Because your perceptions are right for the opinions you have RIGHT NOW.  I will warn you, that will change.  Your perceptions change constantly through your life until you die.  So you may believe without a shadow of doubt that you are right.  And you are.  But you might, in a heartbeat, change.  And guess what?  You're still right.  

I think it takes more strength to admit when your perceptions were wrong, than to be the one that changed them.  Because admitting that you may be wrong about a long held perception, takes guts.  Taking that step to be happy, or let go of prejudice, or forgive a long time grudge, this takes time, and understanding and love.  Not force, or preaching, or fear based experiments.  Be patient, breathe, and think.  The best way to effect change is to listen, watch and learn.  Then move toward what you want.  Perceive the reality you want to have, and it will come to you.  
wow...that sounded close to faith.