Sunday, January 26, 2014

Letter To My 12 Year Old Self - The Struggling Survivor

My Dearest Twelve Year Old Self,
Let me start by saying that I'm sorry.  I know I promised that you would never have to feel that way again, and I know over the last three years, I let you down, but that's not going to happen again.  I understand what you went through now.  I can't say that I did until now.  I don't think I was ever ready to fully face how controlled you felt when he forced you.  How his touch was that of a molester and how your first sexual experiences were ones that were forced and not normal.  But understand that none of that had anything to do with you.  You did not ask to be raped and touched like that.  You did not deserve to be awakened sexually before you understood what it meant, or without any love and respect attached to it.  It's not your fault that you believed you only deserved this kind of experience, and since I let you make too many choices in this area, of course you have not chosen wisely.   This is my fault not yours.  Somewhere along the way in my journey I lost my way.  I have no excuse for allowing myself to be treated this way, but I did, and I believe it's because I allowed you to choose for me.  My twelve year old self.  My wounded self.  My self that responds as a child does rather than as an adult.  I can promise you that you will still have these feelings.  Of being attracted to the wrong type of man.  To the type that is fully capable and prepared to control you again, and manipulate you into changing into someone you don't recognize.  Men that are fully capable of sexually exploiting you and using you for their needs without any consideration of yours.  What I can promise you is that you will no longer act on those attractions, because you know you deserve more.  You deserve to be someone's first choice, and treated like a princess.  You deserve to be loved and respected and wanted because of who you are and how wonderful you are.  You are not a slut or a whore or a dirty girl or any of the things that he told you.  And it's not your fault that it felt good.  Not all rapes have bruises or beatings.  And sex, when done correctly, feels good.  The men that raped and molested you wanted it to feel good to them, and you have no reason to feel at fault or shame if it did to them, or to you.  You were too young to understand what was happening and too weak to fight either of them off.    Your attackers were the sick ones, not you.  Your attackers were vile and perverted men that could not fight their personal demons any longer and took away your innocence and trust in men.  I understand that.  And that is why you can no longer choose or trust in your attractions.  The hard part that I need you to do is forgive yourself for the shame that you have carried around with you for 39 years.  You don't have to forgive them, yet.  But if you can you should for they are the ones that need forgiveness.  I promise I will be strong, and never let in another molester.  Never let another man that sets off any triggers into my life or heart.  I will protect your fragile ego and help to build up your self esteem by the people I select to be in my life.  And you will never feel forced or manipulated again.  I love you, and will protect you.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Still Angry And Fighting The Hate

It has been an interesting week.  Only two days into group therapy and I feel a lot better being surrounded by good people going through the same issues as myself.  Lost, trying to find a way to cope with the depression that attacks out of no where and the anxiety that can build up from nothing into the fuel for feeding fear and giving you CGB (Crazy Girl Brain) or SBB (Stupid Boy Brain).  I think the depression meds are starting to kick in because the last two days I have felt really happy and calm.  Not worried about anything really, and if something does cross my mind that I need to do,  like balance the check book or clean the apartment, I either just do it, or I let it go,  but I DON'T constantly obsess with it.  This is good.  This morning I woke up really shaky until I took my anxiety meds.  I think that was a normal state before...a feeling of 'gotta get everything done right now....'  I waited until too long this morning to take it.  But now I feel less pressured to get everything done now.

I'm taking back my Saturday and Sunday, and yesterday my daughter and I went to see August Osage County, deserves every award it was nominated for.  Should have gotten more.  I've only seen 12 Years a Slave and Gravity of the best picture noms so far, but I still have time.  I would highly recommend August Osage County if you love strong female characters and realistic look at addiction,   and abuse.  Was hard for me to get through some of the abuse scenes, but good for me too.  Triggers.

Today at 11 o'clock I have an hour massage scheduled so that I can be pampered and touched.  I miss being touched and caressed and loved.  And I know this massage is not about that, but it is in a way.  It is me loving myself and knowing what I need and going to get it in a healthy way instead of picking up some guy, making him a toy, and having meaningless sex, that will only make me feel more lonely.

I can't say I've been tempted by Mr. Confidents offers as he is way too young and a player.  I have a lot of players in my life in the last three years.  And they all play in a different way.  I believe Mr. Hopeful was in love with me and respects me, Mr. Practical was curious and that turned into respect and love and a deep friendship, I feel that from That Guy as well.  But Mr. Charisma and Mr. Confident are just in it for the sex.  No love, no respect.  Just a 'Friends with benefits'.  The only difference is that Mr. Confident is up front about it.  And Mr. Charisma is the worst type of player because he tells you he loves you and wants you to be with him on his journey.  The only thing is, he doesn't tell you that your part of his journey will be temporary until he grooms the next girl he's flirting with to ask him out.  I've watched him do it.  Right in front of me.  Flirt with other women, hold long conversations with waitresses or other shoppers in grocery stores, even, dare I say it, tellers at the bank?   I'm sure that he does this all the time with every woman he meets.  Its habit.  Its the waiter in him.  Looking for that tip.  It's the reaction whore in him that will push the edge of the envelope of flirting to see where it will go, and if he's really interested in you, like he was with me, he will allow you to close the deal for him.  See he can't close.  He's a sales man that can't close.  At least with sex.  So you feel very confident that he excepted your offer for a date, because he must be interested if he does, right?  But what you don't know, is that you are a flavor of the moment.  He will tell you how happy he is and how much you have helped him heal and how his life was meaningless without you in it, and then when he's found the next one, he will start to distance himself.  You won't even notice at first because it's so subtle.  But his kisses will change, he will look for things in the relationship that don't work, and he might even tell you about them, he might just brood alone.  But once the 'first blush of love' fades he will believe he is with the wrong person.  And then when he's done, and it's too late to go back and fix or try to fix what is wrong, he will leave.

I can relate to that.  I used to believe that if the first blush of love faded I must be with the wrong person, until I realized that the first blush of love fades in every relationship, and gets reborn often during a long relationship.  The passion is what lasts.  Unfortunately with Mr. Charisma, my passion was what he didn't trust.  Because he says he's not in it for the sex.  The passion scares him but the passion is what keeps the first blush  alive and rekindled.  I know, because Mr. H and I still have passion, even if we don't act on it.

I did something on Friday that I'm really proud of.  Of course last tuesday I blocked Mr. Charisma and Miss Right from my Facebook and my phone so he can't contact me.  Friday after group,  I boxed up everything he gave me, except the dresses he bought for me, all the treasures that meant so much to us at one point in time, and now only remind me that he's gone.  I don't want constant reminders of how I was groomed or controlled like my attackers controlled me.  So I took them over to his apartment with a note on the outside that said "stuff you left I don't want"  and left it on his porch.  His car was there....he might have been home....I didn't knock.  The only thing I didn't include were the paper roses he made me on our first night together when he was flirting with me and trying to pick me up.  I forgot to include them.  And at first that angered me, but then I thought,  you know, I bet he makes these for all the girls.  I bet there are some strippers and call girls, and some old girlfriends with paper roses from him.  And I earned them too.   And besides, if I really want them gone....they are paper....they burn.

I still think about him too much, but it's not in fondness like when I think of Mr. H.  Its in anger and hate.  And I want that gone.  I feel so used and abused, again.  And the triggers that he brought out in me are too personal to go into here, but I'm addressing in therapy.  I want to get to the point where I can wish him well, where I can forgive him, and my attackers, and myself.  But that is what will take time, and effort on my part. That is what I'm working on to heal so that the next time I meet someone that I'm interested in, he will be a whole person too.  And not broken like Mr. Charisma.  I'm thankful that Miss Right took him away from me.  Because I would have allowed him to control me forever, and not in a good way for me.  It was a very self-destructive relationship for me, and one that plunged me back to being 12 years old and afraid all the time.

Here's to self reflection


Sunday, January 12, 2014

Mother's Little Helper

My week started on Monday with a nervous breakdown due to this break up and everything it has taught me about myself and my own issues that I need to face, finally!  I took the advice of my daughter and got some help, and meds, one for depression and one for my anxiety, which I have suffered with all my life.  Not the depression, that's from Mr. Charisma, leaving us as and moving on as suddenly as he did.  And losing Mr. Hopeful from my life, at the same time.   Allowing myself to be treated like a mistress instead of a lover, or honest girlfriend.  And making choices out of anxiety, of not wanting to be alone, so choosing Mr. Charisma.  The anxiety, I believe I have lived with all my life, and now that I'm on meds for it I can tell what a hyper, whirling dervish, I have been since childhood.  You see no one ever caught it before because my mother was the same way, and well, as children we learn what we see.  Five days into my meds I now have a base line to draw from.   And I can tell when I'm starting to talk too fast, or to much, or too excitedly.  I have stopped twitching, or fidgeting, and my hamster in my head has stopped running on that wheel constantly thinking of what could go wrong or has gone wrong or what ifs.  I think in time I will even learn to live in the moment.  And enjoy my time as it is happening instead of only in memories.

In the end I believe that I was suppose to have this time with Mr. Charisma so that I could see some of my own faults, glaring back at me, fall in love with them, and want to change them....not in myself.  I also believe since he was the personal trigger of two of my attackers from childhood, I needed to face that as well.  I had my first panic attack at his apartment one night as he was touching me in our bed, that flashed me right back to the time my mothers boy friend tried to rape me.  I didn't realize what was happening, but I couldn't stay....After midnight, I'm having a hot flash and dressing and telling a very confused man that, "I'm sure its night sweats and I just can't get comfortable and I have to go, I can't sleep here...."  Just rattling on any excuse to flee.  He and I both knew that was an important event.  I just didn't know how important until I started getting even more flashes of things he does to me or says to me or stands for as a man, that remind me of this man that attacked me.   As much as I thought I loved Mr. Charisma, and I do believe, as he has said to me, where we were good we were great, but where we were bad, we had to plunge the knife in deep to cut out the poisons in us.  I know he says I've helped him.  Helped him become a better man for her...WOW what a cut down.  He uses honesty as a way to be compassion.  When he told me that, about a week after we broke up, I was not ready to hear it and I believe off handed comments like that plunged me into depression.

I've blocked him, unfriended him. friended him back and unfriended him again on Facebook.  Only so he can check on me and read my blog, for he always said he liked it.  I try not to look at his wall but I do.  And yesterday I made it the entire day without reaching out to him.  Only the second time I've made it 24 hours since December 18.  I'm hoping I will have the strength to wait for him to reach out to me.   But I don't believe he ever will.  We are arguing on Fb now....well he is....I can't like his snarky posts, but he liked one of mine yesterday.  I saw the following one on his wall when I checked it after seeing his activity on my wall. It said.

      "There will always be something thats not right about you, to a person thats not right for you."

I really wish I could have liked it so that he could see that I completely agree that he didn't love me enough.  I'm sure he's posting it because he didn't think I loved him enough.  But I didn't want to change him.  He came to me wanting to change himself.  And so I tried, with love and compassion, to listen to him tell me his story of decadence in his journey to find love, and himself.  His explorations from his wife to call girls, strippers as dates- not just doing their job-, long lost failed girlfriends, and not so lost ones that check in on him the way Mr. Practical checks in on me, and the way Mr. Hopeful use to....(I really wish I would have kissed Mr. H the last time I saw him.  I wanted to, but I'm being good.)

And while I think he is posting this as a slam to me, it is absolutely true in how he treated me.  In three days it will be a month, four short weeks, since Mr. Charisma and I broke up.  And in four short weeks he has met the girl of his dreams, all their children love each other, and they are getting married at the end of the year.  At least this is what he tells me.  Of course keep in mind this is a man that has never been single, hops from one 'wife' to the next, and can't know what he wants without and time to self reflect, but what do we really care about that, or him, at this point.  EXCEPT to add, that as long as you are still fighting, there are feelings there.  Its when you feel nothing then you are really done.  As long as what we say bugs us, there is something left.  Now he is saying that his whole plan was to be with me long enough to 'fix' me and then maybe help get me back with the love of my life.  WTF?  That goes against everything and anything he said while in my arms.  And reminds me of a time when I just couldn't wait to get an ex hooked up so that he would stop being a temptation to me.  As long as my ex had a girlfriend he was safe to hang out with.  I wonder if this is his real motivation for believing this now.  When the entire time we were together he was talking about a future with me, a journey together, not a fix-it-up project for my ex to benefit by.  I certainly wasn't trying to help him fix himself for Miss Right.  This also pisses me off.

I had the first happy Saturday night Sunday morning in four weeks.  One of my best and longest girlfriend She of Little Combat Boots, was doing her weekend warrior thing and stayed with me last night.  We talked until we got tired about all of this, and then she said, "If he ruined Dr. Who for you I'm going to kick his butt."  And to prove that he hadn't we watched two episodes that were the next two for me.  (I'm in The Dr/Donna season 4 right now)  And they happened to be two that she had missed, so was good for us both.

I've made some terrible misjudgments over the past two years.  The first year I would not change for anything, I miss him and love him and wish him well with or without me in his life.  Thats real love.  The last year I wish I had not experienced as a lover.  I believe that if I had kept Mr. Charisma as a friend I might still be here getting help for my anxiety and with that being gone, maybe he would have seen me as a better match...a more calming influence in his life.  But if I hadn't allowed myself to be flattered and swept away by him, I might never have gotten the trigger to face the rape, attacks or abandonment issues from my father.  So if I can find something good to take with me from my experience with Mr. Charisma, I guess it would have to be, "Why was I attracted to someone so vile and perverted and how much of that do I want to own?"  Now I'm not saying Mr. Charisma was vile and perverted but my attackers were....and in almost every facet of him as a man, he is a dead ringer for one of them, and emotionally both.  So what do I do with that?

Glad therapy starts next week.  Tuesday follow up with the therapist and the psychiatrist, and then Wednesday intake at the hospital for my monday - friday outpatient one on one and group therapy.  If I keep feeling as good as I do today...not longing for my Saturday/Sunday with him, but reclaiming my favorite time with him as my favorite time with ME....I might even be able to work half days while in therapy.  And I need to get back to work as soon as I can face people.  Right now I'm at one person at a time.  Tonight is Gaming...Full group.  Thankfully they are some of my best friends and adopted family members....We are family my gaming group.  And I can't wait to see them and see how I do with more than one person at a time.  This is the perfect test as I feel completely safe and loved with them all so I have nothing to fear.  I hope I don't cry unless its joy.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Point of No Return- How Long

I really wish I could say I have gotten to this point.  Why is it so hard to get over people that leave your life?  I've tried to convince myself that this time its because I lost big.  I not only lost the love that helped me get over Mr. Hopeful, but I officially lost all hope of ever seeing Mr. Hopeful again as well.   So forget about any, "what if" fantasies of the future, with either.  And when I started with them both I had fooled myself into believing that they might really love me.

Now I know that they love me still.  But neither of them have ever been 'in love' with me.  I knew I was in trouble with Mr. Charisma when cuddled up one Sunday morning, like this morning, I asked him if he was in love with me and he said he didn't know the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.  I wanted to try to explain it to him but all I could see is his confused look in his eyes, and I knew that he had never been in love the way that I had.  I asked him earlier this week when we met for coffee if he understood what I meant now, when I told him I was in love with him.  Now that he has met Miss Right.  And he shamefully blushed and looked down and nodded and then looked back into my eyes with almost tears in them and with a catch in his voice softly said, "yes."  Tears that softened my heart to understand just how sorry he was that he didn't love me enough.  It helps.  But its still not the point of no return for me.

Mr. Hopeful has reached that point.  I was brought up to believe (thank you Neil--cue RUSH song) that one of the ways you can see how much a person really loves you and cares about you is how they treat you when you are hopeless and afraid and hurting.  When you are at your lowest, and feel your most alone, the people that love you, and really care about you step up.  They come out of the woodwork of your armor lined heart, and hug you with their ears to hear, and shoulders to cry on and arms to hold you and voice to validate.  I am blessed a wonderful and caring network of gaming friends and family.  But I have to mention that Mr. Practical and Mr. Charisma, are trying to help me.   Mr. Practical, from a long distance has held out a candle of hope and wonderful advice.  If he hadn't been so attentive and helpful during our break up, and all the others, we would not have the honest and caring un-motive driven love and friendship we have now.  I do not regret a moment of our journey together, and there were dark times where I promised myself I would never feel this way again.  Never say never...enter Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Charisma.  And Mr. Charisma...well more on this...

This break up with Mr. Hopeful is such that he will remain gone from my life forever.  I believe this, even though I know I will run into him again.  I know this sounds like an absolute, and apparently with me I'm all black and white with no variables or gray areas.  And they, Mr. H and Mr. C, with their variables that break hearts and make them able to live with themselves for their lack of compassion, conscience  and memory, THEY say this as if it were a bad thing.  Gray areas are what got me into this mess in my heart and mind.  Listening to their stories more than looking at them with my eyes -- hearing the gray areas, and deciding to live my life with them--Giving either of these men the benefit of the doubt, that the story they were weaving was true, that they were both so terribly unhappy in their current relationships that they were going crazy.  And guess what?  I was no more than a symptom of their lunacy.  And I let them treat me like a slut, and therefore I was treated like trash.  You don't respect trash.  So no wonder he disappeared.

Mr. Charisma I'm sure wants to.  He isn't though.  Just like Mr. Practical didn't disappear.  And while I tortured my friends and family with stories of my broken heart when Mr. Practical and I split up, I have tried not to do that so much this time.  I said tried, I didn't say was successful.  But Mr. Charisma has been responsive!  Every time I text, he gets back to me within a reasonable time, for me and in a hurry for him.  Don't think I haven't noticed.  And it's appreciated, especially when he was with me, he ignored all manner of interruption after checking to see who it was from, and in many cases was not just hours but days sometimes before he might respond.  I know I'm special because he is responding to me while with her, or right before or after her.  Which means I rank in the friends position which is very good considering how recent this all still is and feels to me.

This is part of my great confusion right now.  I have been saying some really intelligent and non emotion driven things to Mr Charisma and gotten some really great and super fast healing validation from him.  This is a wonderful kindness that he is doing for me, because from his point of view he is feeling like every time I reach out to him I'm going to eventually rail at him.  And he's right.  I try to start off with whatever emotion has driven me to the want to reach out to him.  Believe me it is a want, and then it turns into a need, and that is the part of great confusion for me, and the only reason I reach out.  I'm hoping the best part of us will help me understand why.  The best part of us was our debates and self-discovery discussions.  I miss them.  And yet I honestly have been trying to convince myself that he was just a toy and had I kept him there instead of letting him talk us into getting serious, we'd be great friends now without all this drama.  And I'd only be broken hearted over one man right now and not two.  But that's not quit right either....Yes he shouldn't have been with me while committed somewhere else but we are both to blame for that, but he shouldn't have tried for the 'white gold' ring with me, and he knew it, but he did it anyway because he is strong and his journey is all about him.  And when he needed me in his life he grabbed at the opportunity with both hands, and his body and heart and mind followed so quickly he didn't understand how and why he was changing only that he was.  I was only along for the ride, but I didn't know that.  I thought I was the one.  I think, he thought so too.  If I could warn him about anything right now it would be this.  This ability he has to be totally done with someone, and walk away like it's nothing, after being so sure.  And he thinks he loves greatly. Actually he runs from it.  It scares him.  Always has, but it's the one thing he longs for.  I feel very much like Jimmy Cricket to his Pinocchio.  I used to be his Watson and he my Holmes.    Perhaps that has its points still, perhaps that is what we will be able to save.  Perhaps more.  But this is the danger for me.  This is why I wish I was at the point of no return with Mr. Charisma.  But I'm not yet.  I know Mr. Practical and That Guy think I'm getting there quicker this time, even though it seemed like a much harder drop than Mr. Hopeful....I can't say I agree, having lived it.   But from my perspective, even though I can agree that it was not a sudden break up, we had been rocky since September, when Miss Rights relationship broke up...strange coincidence, and one I'm not so sure I think is all just coincidence.  I remember Mr. Charisma's kisses changing after September....that was another red flag I ignored.  I was so much in denial, I wanted it to work too much.  I should have had more self respect than that.  But I was "in love"  and when you are "in love" you work harder.  And that made it worse for him, because he was not in love.  I think the title of my self help romance book will be called 'Hopefully Charismatic and Practical. '

But I didn't have self respect.  I still don't.  And that makes me hate myself.  I feel like I learned so much more with Mr. Charisma than the others.  The lessons were similar but much harder to learn.  It makes me wonder if I got it right this time or if I'm still cursed.  I'm sure what I went through with him was karma from his ex.  I can see her wishing I felt just like she did...and guess what?  I do.  I do.  I knew how he would treat me, I saw him do it to her.  I wonder if Miss Right sees or is blinded too.  I cursed him too,  and through him you.  ( couldn't resist it rhymes)  I lifted it, because I want my bad karma to stop.  But that doesn't mean anything really, because your karma is your own, and what you put out there you will get back.  So I don't have to curse him or her or any of them to be able to nod knowingly someday at their sadness.  Because they have already set in motion what will happen, and as happy as they all are right now with their choices and lives, everything ends....everything dies.  Enjoy it while you are in blissful denial.  I know I did.