Sunday, June 30, 2013

The Goals Go Up!

I have achieved a personal goal that I didn't think I would, nor did I think I would this quickly.  I've been selling, at my job now for three full months.  And the commission/draw is set up in two ways.  The first is a minimum of 24 cars need to be sold in a rolling three month period to make over your draw.  This is where you need to be, but not where you want to be.  Of course you want over that, but the minimum is respectable and a goal that, when hired, I was told I should be at by my six month mark.  Well I hit it my first three months, and I'm so proud of myself, and happy that I have proven to myself that I can do this huge career change.  Especially this late in my working career.  I hope to retire in 19 years at the most.  Now that I have passed this very mental hurdle in my mind, I'm hoping that a goal of 10 to 12 cars a month is not out of reach.  And I'm excited to set these goals.  Almost as excited as I'm sure I will be to cash my first commission check on the 15th.  It's nice that we have a draw, so that we can make a minimum amount until we reach our goals.  I'm sure that when I get even more confidence, and learn a lot more about cars, (ALL the Cars!) I will be even more successful.  I wish I would have had the confidence in myself at a much younger age to try this, but sadly I did not.  I also did not think it was fair, as a single parent, to make my kids want for anything just because I had a bad month.  I know I'll have them, but I'm hoping they will be few and far between.

So, if you are a friend of mine, and if you need a car, message me. I'd be happy to help you find the perfect one.  Or if you just know me and know someone who needs a car, introduce us.  I hate it when friends try to sell me, it's always made me feel uncomfortable to hit up my friends for sales.  But, I realize now, that its more of a service.  If you don't know that I'm selling cars for a living, how would you know that I can help you make the right choice, and get the best deal.  So I've decided that it's okay to mention.  For those of you long distance....and miss me...what a great excuse to come see me at work.  :)

Now back to life and holding the one  I love tightly.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Something happened this week that caught me by surprise, well, more than one thing actually.  At work, I seem to be either getting better or stuck on a plateau, need two more sales this week to make my goal.

Had a very pleasant and awkward get together with Mr. Hopeful, where we were able to be in the same room, drinking and talking, and watching movies...and sitting as far away from each other, while remaining in the same room, as you can and not appear rude.  I know that reads with a humorous undertone....however I'm not so sure I find it funny.  I'm proud of us, of our restraint, of our to remain celibate friends, instead of friends with benefits.  That we have been able to accomplish this, and still be ourselves....or mostly me hope that with time and practice, we will accomplish actually feeling comfortable doing it.

Mr. Charisma had a very serious medical issue due to blood sugar levels, and  called me to help him get through it, on a weekend where he had his kids.  Of course I said yes, and got there as quickly as I could.  Meeting his kids under extreme situations, was not either of our ideals.  However, he thought it went better than it could have, and in knowing his kids, feels I have nothing to worry about.

OK.  Those of you that follow this blog, and kind of know a deeply held part of my imagination, KNOW that telling me I have nothing to worry about, kind of makes me start to worry.  I'm sure he is right.  I'm sure he knows his kids.  Maybe even better than they think he does.  And I'm being really good at not letting my writers imagination run away with itself and start to write all sorts of endings to a chapter that just started.  That was last night, before I transported him here to be taken care of.

And now I'm off to find a new battery for my lap top.  This weeks blog was brought to you by Mr. Charisma's tablet, and the letter "postal" and the number infinity.


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Father's Day

Father's Day is today.  This is the first one since my dad died, and even though we were not that close, I am feeling his presence more than normal.  Feeling him nagging me to do the things that still need to be done for probate....mostly waiting on the state to get me the paperwork I need to go back down to Missouri, title his car in my name, go over all the mail that the new owner of the house has collected, and figure out if anything is in his bank account that I need to split with my step sister, and the payment of the attorney, and still there is paperwork....the kind we all love to put off.  I'm still waiting for my income tax refund after having to resend in all my documentation..... this years taxes got really fucked up, and I'm not happy about any of this, but can do nothing about it......

Probate sucks.

Cuz I'm a control freak, and if I can't fix it I do one of two things...I fret and worry until I'm sick...or I put it off until I have to do it.  Guess which one I did?  You got it, put it off.  And I'm ok with that.  I think I would feel better about getting the tax paperwork done if my refund was in hand....but I will deal with that tomorrow....(the Scarlett O'Hara problem solution ALWAYS works....NOT)

Its  much to perfect a day, as most all Sundays are now, with Mr. Charisma by  my side and nothing but time  together.

Have a great Father's Day, and try not to miss your dad's too much if they are gone, and if they are still with you, then please, at the least, call them and tell them how much they mean to you, how they helped shape you, and how glad you are to be their kid.  (This advice works even if you have only negative things to say,   because it will free you.)


Sunday, June 9, 2013

Coffee Time

I think I slept, maybe about 4 hours.  But it's a very good thing.  This weeks blog is being preempted by life. I am in the cities meeting Mr. Charisma's mom and step dad, and hopefully stopping to see friends as well on the way back home, and frankly, I'm having way too good a time, to be here posting about life this week.  Instead I'm going to live it.  Thoughts in tact, discoveries and adventures await, all to be shared after much experience and reflection.


Sunday, June 2, 2013

My Rock

Had a very hard day yesterday.  Lots of the stuff that I'm sure we all go through.  First Saturday of the month, no sales. Plus some of the guys I work with were very heavy in teasing me and pushing my buttons yesterday.  For the last two hours of the work day I just wanted to cry.  It wasn't really their fault, they had no idea how many deeply protected buttons they were pushing.  I may seem very open, and I am in how I listen to others, but I am not in my own stories.  If you know the details of my life, you are one of the few I trust with that.  Most people know the readers digest know, the version of your life you tell when you meet someone you haven't seen in a while and they ask, "What's new?"  So kind of a down side from the career column of my life.

In the relationship column, I had gotten myself all worked up over nothing...over old fears and inabilities to trust....lost it what you will, but I'm completely jealous of people with trust and faith in the people they love.  In their ability to forgive and forget old wounds and trust that the next guy or gal is not going to do the same thing...when in reality we are all human and quite capable of the same kind of behavior....
It's that trust and faith thing that allows you to believe that this time it will be different.  This person loves me more, or better or deeper and would never hurt me the way so-and-so did.  Then again....isn't that what so-and-so said?  hum....

It's a confusion to me.  It's something I need to get over, and unfortunately it's only me that can accomplish this.  This inability to trust, and have faith, is what I believe has kept me from being truly happy in the past.  An enormous fear of being happy, since I've never really known it before in any romantic relationship.  I've known it with my kids, but that is very different.

I now have another opportunity to be truly happy, and for the most part I am.  And then it starts...the voices in my head that tell me all the things he is really doing when he's not with me....Its a fiction.  Created in  my own head, and not as a writer would for his own enjoyment or vision for a creative piece....but in a frantic round about way of trying to understand even an innocent comment.

I've never wanted to admit how jealous I am of the female community as a whole.  And I know it's not a fair assumption, that just because I am capable of flirting to the point of seduction, temptation, lust and the inevitable outcome of highly enjoyable sex...not everyone is.  Some people actually have a very strong will power in saying "No."  Or even better, not even interested to the point of having to say no.  I find it very difficult, once my passions are aroused, to refuse.  I am a very sensual being, with an open mind to how short life is and how you should take every opportunity that you are given.  Regret is a hard emotion to live with, and the hardest thing about it is that you can only blame yourself.  And that regret is a double edged sword.  You can regret what you pass up, as much as what you fall into.

I'm trying to live my life with no regrets.  As a whole, I'm not doing too well.  But, since I have given my heart to this man, my goal is to be better at that.  To have no regrets with him as I walk with him through our part of life together.  I hope our road together is long and full of curves and hills and turns.  For as we know from our short (7 months so far) time together, each hill, curve and turn has made us stronger and more in love than before.  Not more determined to 'make it work'  because it is not does not need determination or that old cliche of 'If you want an relationship to last you have to work at it'.  It's not work at all.  It just takes enough love to stop, breathe, and be willing to listen to each other.  Really listen.  And to be that shoulder for each other, that hand to hold.  All the rest is very easy when you have that kind of mutual love and respect.  Makes the challenges worth it.  And the more they are discussed, the less of a challenge or hurt they become...

In fact, for me, it is the only way to heal those hurts, and that pesky voice in my head.