Sunday, January 27, 2013

Baby Alert! BABY ALERT!

My musical blog has been interrupted by my life.  The next song I was going to talk about was One Slip by Pink Floyd, a beautiful song live and filled with exactly all the emotions that flood through you when you are on the brink of crossing that line from faithful to unfaithful.  And it is a very honest and moving collection of feelings ranging from lust to love and from temptation to guilt.  But you know what?  I don't feel any of the negative emotions from those experiences anymore.  For me it's more of a lifetime journey of sharing joy and love that I have in my heart.  It pours out like a flood gate sometimes, and sloshes over onto unsuspecting men, but so far, if I'm really honest with myself.  The good feelings, camaraderie and love that I've gotten far outweigh any fears that seep into my mind and threaten to damn up my emotions.  So since my intentions are pure and honest, and loving, I can find nothing but reaffirmation to discuss on the song.

And there is much better news to share this week.  

Last night at 6:12 pm, in Chicago, Ill, an 8 pound addition to my family finally arrived! Right on time, actually about a day early, and on a full moon.  How appropriate for our family.  :D  His name is Samuel Raymond, and he has a ROCKIN big brother all of 5, almost 6, named Timmy.  And I know Timmy will be a great big brother.  I can't wait to make it down there to meet Samuel and talk to Timmy about what it means to be a big brother, and see how his eyes will light up at all the cool things he knows that he can teach Samuel.  I really want to start calling him Sammy already.  I actually feel a little bit sorry for his parents, because with me as a grandma, they are likely to get away with a lot more than mom and dad would like.  But hey, I'm poor, so my influence will probably be only once or twice a year.  Can't do that much damage, right?  hehehe

One more small human to spoil, love, teach, love some more, and help grow into a man that not only believes in himself but will help others believe in themselves.  One more human to not fill with our own fears and prejudices.  One more human to show what it means to love and care for others and want their happiness over our own.  One more human to hold up to the light and say, "You are here now!  You are aware!  You can be anything you choose, so explore everything so you can choose what makes you happy."

That's the real journey of life, people.  Finding something or someone that makes you happy, and makes you believe in yourself when even you can't anymore, takes your weight when you can't hold yourself up, and understands you even when you are in chaos.  The only thing I know is I never would have found that kind of happiness without that One Slip.  Mistakes can sometimes be the exact right thing to do.  Knowing yourself well enough to know what you want, and loving yourself enough to be able to love another is true success in life.

Be happy today, because you can be.  Feel joy to be alive because it is joyous to be aware.  Even if you are reading this right now and feeling like your life is over, and your hopes are destroyed, know that that is just a beginning of rebuilding.  Just like Sammy is just starting out today, opening his eyes again after a few hours sleep, wanting to be fed, changed and loved.  These are the basic desires we will have all our lives.  

Cheers to Sammy!  (and Timmy)  and to my grown godson Dono and my much smaller godson Frederick.   

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Learning To Walk Again...Learning To Talk Again

....I believe I've waited long enough, where do I begin?

I've been in enough relationships that this song hits me on many levels, on the level where you are so unhappy and exhausted with trying, that you grow silent and refuse to not only fight anymore, but not to try anymore.

On the level where you reach out to someone else for happiness, and find yourself alive again, learning to walk, and talk....maybe for the very first time really being heard and understood and loved for it.  For exactly who you are and not your potential.

On the level where you risk it all to dare to touch and manifest that happiness in the physical gratification and mutual expression of desires both familiar and exotic   Its at this moment that you swear to your heart that you will never leave and you feel so alive in those fleeting moments of joy that you finally never want to die.

On the level after so much grief and unhappiness, when you finally wake up again with that knowledge that your past has helped you find yourself and your future.  Your future unfolds in small moments, stolen from time and secreted away for just the two of you.  In a connection that is so strong that no matter the time or distance that may separate you, you feel moments of single minded determination together.  A force to be reckoned with, indeed.

Every time I hear it lately I can only think of my A-Team, and the circumstances that brought them to the brink of such unhappiness that they would make the choices they have; to risk everything, and see me. I remember feeling like this in my own marriage...well more than one marriage actually.  Where I had no where left to turn but to leave.  Where I had stayed so silent, inside my own head, not willing to try anymore to be heard or understood.  And wondering what had happened to the wonderful boy/man I married.  When, and what had made him change from the guy that couldn't keep his hands off me to the guy that sat in a room next to me and never said a if I were suddenly beneath his notice, or invisible.

Its funny how you never really understand how much you change in a relationship, you only see the other persons changes.  Not until you are done, do you understand that it's a mutual growing apart that really destroys love in relationships. It's never one person's fault.  And there are always two sides to every story.  Always.

Sometimes I look at unhappy friends in marriages, especially ones who their spouses claim, "have changed." And I look at them and wonder if their spouses aren't the monsters they made them into by their behaviors, or lack of attentions, the obvious result of a loveless marriage.  After all, as people we aren't born suspicious, jealous and paranoid.  We are made into that by our experiences and unwillingness to forget the past.  We allow the past to continue to hurt us when we can't let go of it, or believe that people can and do change.
See the error is in that they will change for us.  No one changes for someone else.  Everyone changes because they want to.  Period.  There is no other way you can change.  You can fake it..for an 8 hour work shift or maybe even a ten year marriage...or a twenty year one...but eventually you will be yourself.  It's impossible not to be.

Each time I felt I'd waited long enough, I took that first step and with strength and support, I learned to walk again.  I learned to be happy and find that happiness and to even be selfish about it.  Because it's my life, and I only get this one.  My awareness is now.  And no one else is ever going to make me happy or sad.  Only I can do that with my choices.  And I choose to have a life worth remembering instead of a lifetime of missed opportunities and waiting.

What do you choose?

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Raise Your Glass

The whole song fits me, really.  I just love this song.  And when a girlfriend of mine gave it to me on a cd to help 'wake me up' it kind of did.  At least it did with one man, but it lead me to two others.  While I identify with it on almost every level.  It became a theme song for my A-Team not only because I knew it would remind them of me, but for the one specific part that describes us all, to everyone around us.

"So raise your glass if you are wrong, in all the right ways.  All my underdogs.  We will never be, anything but LOUD and nitty gritty, dirty, little, freaks!"

And honestly, I have always felt like this.  Pretty much in any relationship that I've ever had there has been a feeling of 'you and me against the world'.  And sometimes that world is our group of friends, sometimes just the world in general not understanding, geeks, nerds, freaks, and the people in your life that you think are invisible.  I guarantee you WE ARE NOT.

With the current trend of geeks, and nerds having been the new 'cool', it's hard to tell the real ones from the posers.  I can tell you from experience real geeks and nerds do get laid, and physical appearance does not matter.  Some are actually attractive, even without their glasses.  So that's not the whole defining issue.  I think at some points in our lives ALL of us are viewed as some kind of freak, misfit.  It just depends on who, or what group,  you are with at the moment.

But for me, I have always felt that I attract nerds, geeks, freaks and misfits.  And I believe that is because I am one of them, and they see me for who I am, and love me as I am.  I've been very lucky to have met the men and women that I have known and loved and dared to call friend.  And it doesn't matter if we are spending time gaming, going to concerts, or singing in bars at the top of our lungs, we are together and our union makes us visible.   ("What part of party don't you understand?"...."Wish you'd just freak out!--freak out already"..."5am turn the radio up...where's the rock n roll?")

So, this one is for you.  If you know me.  If you have met me.  Held me, loved me or just had a deep friendship with me, then you know you are part of this group that will always be heard, and never be anything but loud, nitty-gritty, dirty, little freaks.  Andm if you are a part of that group, you are proud of it.  And you know that we will always be there for each other no matter what happens.  ("Call me up if you want gangster!")  There to celebrate the good news and to comfort when its not so good.  It's the support that has come from my geeky, nerdy friends that has made me understand with shocking clarity  that I'm never alone.  And so this is for all of you to remind you that you are not alone either.

Raise your glass, if you are wrong, in all the right ways!
And keep waving that rebel flag.  It will serve you well, in the end.

Cheers. :D

Sunday, January 6, 2013

F**K Buddy Song- Oh YES You Can!

This one is hardly fair if you aren't a 'Pat Head' you don't know this song, and that's a shame.  But if you are near me, and are my friend, sooner or later I'm going to drag you to a Pat McCurdy concert and make you aware of his wonderful talent.  But promoting my friend is not the real topic of this weeks blog.  It is the title. And as you can imagine the song is fun, humorous, and perhaps his experience with this territory, or just a writers ability to tap into the great subconsciousness.  It is not however, my experience.

( is a link for those of you that are really curious about this song and performer....all rights belong to Pat I am promoting my friend after all .....just a little)

In getting use to my new hours I've come to realize that I think I'm going to enjoy 4 1/2 days on a week and 3 1/2 day off.  I work longer hours each day, true, but I end up with what I feel is more free time to play.  And I do love to play.  But having friends, hobbies, a career, kids, a life....barely covers how busy I am.    Yesterday after work I got the shopping done and most of my chores, and still have two full days off to do what ever I want.  And my two favorite of my A Team have surprised me with wanting to see me.  Thankfully not on the same day.  :D

And while we are all very busy people with very full lives and can't expect each other to just drop everything to be together, somehow...this weekend....feels exactly like that is what we are doing for each other.  And it makes me smile to see that the new year is starting off with the same levels of attention, if not some added effort by one, dear one.  I do so love late night kisses via my electronic media.  Aren't the small messages sometimes the best?  The ones at 2 or 3 in the morning, when you know they are alone, and thinking of you...

Ah well.  I know it's probably very silly to some of you, that I'm kicking my heels up at my age, when I should have been doing this in my twenties.  But you know I devoted my twenties to raising my children and supporting, emotionally (with all) and financially (with two) of my husbands.  And while I kind of wish I could have had my dating life back then, like normal people do.  I don't regret it at all.  I like having some experience under my belt and being out there.  I think I'm making better choices for my personality now, than I did then.  Not that my ex husbands weren't and aren't great men.  (and no I'm not just saying this because they read this, it's true)  We just weren't great with each other.  Stuff you learn if you have them as a f**k buddy FIRST.  I should have tried that, instead of just marring every man I wanted to sleep with.  Oh well.  The things you learn and the way your moral clock changes as you age is very interesting to me.

But I need to get ready, and finish some puttering around the house details before my date arrives, and maybe get some alone time in between to reflect and bask.  I am happy and blessed and lucky to have found one person to share my life with, other than my wonderful kids, and friends.  But you know all the kids and friends in the world can never replace that one person, (or two) that are always on your side.

My advice:  Make the next one you are interested in a f**k buddy first.  Don't marry them.  Just date them.  As seriously as you can, and keep your options open.  Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor.