Sunday, January 29, 2012

Mr. Confident Gains Points But Can't Get Past Mr. Hopeful or Mr. Practical

By now my weekly followers, know that there are two main men in my life that keep my attention, both are frankly contagious to me, and I love my relationship with them.  And while some of my friends, even them, just don't understand why I could be happy with part-time relationships, it's not about quantity it's about quality.

Both of them have begged, pleaded, and downright threatened to not be a part of my life if I don't continue to live my life and keep my eyes open for interested parties.  Which I do.  Ask my ex-husbands, I have no issue with this.  In fact, I'm betting my ex-husbands would tell Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Practical to 'shut the fuck up and be glad she's not looking'...LOL.

So, over the last couple of months there has been a couple of new contenders, Mr. Crisis (as in mid-life) and Mr. Confident.  Both too young for me. Stop it.  I can hear you  shaking your heads because of my age thingy, but really they are.  And I can prove it.

Since I care for deeply and tend to follow the advice of men I care for, and love, I have let Mr. Crisis and Mr. Confident their time at bat.  And let us just say that even though they are young, full of stamina and eager to please (so gotta love that).  I would like to be able to say what they lack in expertise and technique they make up for in stamina, but sadly that is not true.  At least not for me.  That might have a lot to do with a GLARING fact that I just had proven to me....that should have been clear all along.

I'm a better lover when I'm in love with my partner.  For example:  I found 15 minutes of kissing Mr. Hopeful much more satisfying then an hour of pounding by Mr. Confident.  That's because my heart wasn't invested in one and was in the other.  But at least I gave him a tumble and proved it to myself.

This does not mean my heart is lost or trapped or caged up.  Quite the contrary. It just means the next contender has some really big shoes to fill.  I've known real love and real passion.  Passion that can't be stopped with distance, time, commitments.  Love that is magnetic and connections that are palpable when in the same room and strong enough to be felt across the miles as well.  Comfortable silences have returned, as hearts speak for tongues.  Why would I ever settle for less?  I'd rather have part-time, honest, and real feelings expressed and to express, than settle for just sex.  Even if its on a regular basis.

Now does that mean that I won't see them again if they offer?  I guess that depends on the situation and the timing and the availability of Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Practical. I'm in a phase of my life where I know what I want, I know I've found what I want, but I can't have what I want.  So I keep looking.  I know you're out there, and I know you can feel me, and I know you try to resist, I do too.  Sometimes its better to just give in and live life.  Experience the joys laid before you, because life is short and opportunity is not a lengthy visitor.
My dreams are intact, so is my heart, and I'll never give them up.
:)  Cheers.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Last night was fun.  Just good old fashioned fun!  I didn't let anything get to me, and I felt in real control of my life.  This is a huge step for me because quite frankly I've been a romantic and nostalgic mood for some time.  And this paring of emotions usually keeps me home...thinking.  Thinking too much in my head.

This month's Pat McCurdy concert was great!  We all dressed up in Canadian Tux's.  Which is complete denim or as much as you can, head to toe. My apologies to my Canadian followers, please don't leave.  I almost wore a RUSH Concert t-shirt just because, but decided, as usual to go with something that made me feel sexy and empowered under all that denim.  And okay, so I can't help it, I'm a girl and I like pretty things.

So here I am, amongst my friends and fellow Pat Heads, getting some innocent, flirtatious remarks and admiring hugs, and glances and I've already spoken to the current one I'd like to be spending time with.....and that's not happening tonight.  But I'm okay with that.  I don't feel like that means it never will.  This is a big step toward acceptance. And I'm in the moment of drinking my second White Russian, and I get a text from that young man and fellow Pat Head, from back in October.  (been so long now you might have to go back to the other blog web address to read about  He has earned the nickname Crisis.  As in mid-life).  Anyway, Crisis was looking for me, wondering if I was where he already knew I was.  (shakes head at the memory of the 25 year old male brain)  I had asked several of the Pat Heads last week if they were going and he was one.  Interesting.  I took it in a positive way, and immediately responded in my usual flirty tone, and forgot all about him.  Which was exactly what I should have done.  The proof that I handled it correctly for me, is that he never showed after saying he was coming.  And I was having too much fun to miss the thought of him.  Now remember, this is Crisis, not a guy I actually care about.  So it's easy to move on, to not have it wreck your night.  This is a good thing, and something I need to learn even when I care about the guy.  

A group of us went from The Alpine (YAY Pat!  Great show!), To Flipside (Dead...oh, except we saw a 'him' not with the right 'her'.....yikes....the right 'her' was with us....time to go quick), To John's (TOO crowded), To Dublin Square(SHIT...lost half of our crew...oh well do a Breakfast Shot with a side of bacon!  This is the best shot EVER.   Bacon.), To Yesterdays (ah home....and ran into some them, but they left), To John's (again?!  less crowded, no one there), To Bronco's (i think it's called something else and ran into a VERY drunk Frat Boy, thank goodness I was there to get him home and my fellow Pat Head that lasted with me, I shall nickname her Thumper, because she's twiterpated and emotional)

But while I couldn't see the man I would have loved to have been with last night, and I didn't miss Crisis, I had a great time.  Instead of longing for what I couldn't have, I actually got lost in the moments, and the hugs and kisses I got last night felt real to me, the friendships seemed to cement and acquire some new levels.  This pleases me greatly, and now I'm going to continue to treat my hangover with coffee and other home remedies.  You know four White Russians may be too many....especially with the shot.....cheers...but no clinking of the glasses please.  :)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

You Can Never Get Enough Of What You Really Don't Need -Eric Hoffer

When I stumbled upon this quote, at first I found it curious, then quickly compelling and finally profound.  As I sat with coffee in one hand, and my laptop for both, it occurred to me that I am addicted to so much in my life that I think I need.  It feels like I need coffee every morning, and maybe something else a bit more strong every so often....every night....every day off.....

...It sure feels like I need to check in with my social network every morning.....afternoon if time....evening to relax after work.....and the games to amuse myself while I wait for friends and lovers to chat with, they sure feel like I should be there for them complete with countdown clocks of doom

...There are people, too that I feel like I can't live children,...friends with and without benefits....what if they were to suddenly be dead or disappear from my life, I'd actually not want to live anymore. But is this accurate?

I know for a fact I can live without the coffee every morning, or the somethings stronger, because there have been many years in my life when I have lived quite happily without either.  And as for the people, while their presence in my life is why I get out of bed each day, I know I've gotten out of bed each day prior to ever having met them and would again.

So why have vices and people we love if we really don't need them?
If all we really need we actually get, and to our fill, or we'd stop.  Why do we yearn so for things we really don't need?  What is the real addiction behind wanting more...
Why do we feel like a failure when we give into our desires?
Our needs?
Its an interesting idea, kind of freeing isn't?  When you really start to believe, intellectually, that the only thing you really need you find a way to have.  And you have it.  No matter the cost, risk, or guilt.  In the end, we do what we want, or at least try.  Knowing that you are trying is as important as succeeding.  Sometimes more.  Its something to hold on to when you feel like staying in bed.  Getting out of bed, trying, is the best thing you can do, every day.  Besides, you know you want to, so do it.  Do it for you, and you alone.  Because in the end you really are all you have, and all you need.
Cheers! :D

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Lets Talk About.....Words

Words are immensely powerful.  One cruel remark can wound someone for life.  It's all about treating others the way you want to be treated.  (sorry PK...sometimes it comes out when I least expect it...PK=Preacher's Kid for those of you that don't know that one)

The Golden Rule.  You know everyone knows it, no matter what religion they were brought up with, if's just the most human thing you can do.  It solves all problems.  Don't believe me?  Try it.  Ever change someones expression or body language in a second by either saying or doing something they didn't expect?  I bet you have...and I bet you could see it happen, right?  Whether it was a smile or a frown or shock.  It's all about trying to put yourself in the other persons shoes. And we don't do this enough as people, and that's is why there are so many angry, grumpy, unhappy, and just plain bitter people out there.  Its like a negative "pay it forward", an emotional sickness that has a stranglehold on our planet.  How many times has a really mean or uncalled for comment just pissed you off so much that you bit the head of the next person that dared to talk to you?  I know I've been guilty of it. I try harder not to do that, now that I'm in a business where it's considered good form to be rude to me, when I'm just trying to do my job.  (insurance sales)
But those moments don't really ruin a person's life, maybe your day, but not your life.  But words can.

Ever told someone a vision you had of a future together with them and their face doesn't light darkens, and that smile on your face suddenly freezes or starts to mirror their frown of concern?  Been on both sides of that one. Those are the moments when you can wound someone for life.

The easiest way to approach everyone as an equal is to just try to understand that your life, with all it's accomplishments, and failures, is no better or worse than everyone else's.  No One's life is perfect.  No One is happy all the time....or sad.  Everyone's life is a story that you just don't know yet.  So everyone deserves the respect that you feel you deserve.  So before you go out to finish your weekend before your work week starts, or before you head on out to work, think about all the wonderful stories you have yet to meet.  And know the that next person you meet could be your future lover, future in-law, future best friend....or your future worst enemy....depends on how you treat them.  Remember as humans we react.  So make your actions ones that make it impossible for the other person to treat you with anything but love and understanding.  You'll go a lot further in both love and business.

How do you do this?  Well you start by loving yourself, silly.  (and i meant that 'silly' with love. so don't let it ruin your life. ;)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Great Meltdown of 2011

The year is over, and it went out with a bang followed by a whimper and then the flood gates opened.  What I had hoped would be the final climb out of the pit I had flung myself into, ended up being a slip back down into it's depths.  This Christmas and New Years has been very difficult.  I've had many beautiful moments, surrounded by family and friends that I can relate to and love.  But it's not the same somehow.  I still feel so alone, so single.  And I'm so tired of the failure and rejection.

This New Year started with pretend happiness, smothered in booze and served hot at my favorite bars, with a side order of some of my favorite girlfriends.  I ran into some old friends and exchanged all too brief hugs or moments of real human connection.  My heart aches for this.  Now that my heart has been reawakened, to his presence in it, I feel so empty and incomplete without him.  Like I'm just plugging away, or going through the motions of life, but not living life or really enjoying the moments I try to create for myself.

For a while it seemed that self medication was helping.  I was numb enough to not care, or make myself believe I didn't care, or something like that.  But now it's getting to the point where I am afraid to be alone for too long, and be awake.  So I sleep a lot when I'm home alone, or I'm on line playing stupid mind numbing games to pass the time while I watch equally stupid television shows that pass for entertainment.  (actually that is kind of hard, the ones I watch are good enough to make me forget or worse, imagine you with me, during them)...  I should be writing....  I should be making the best out of my business....  I should be trying harder to make my dreams come true instead of being obsessed with this one failure.

I'm so sick of heartbreak.  I'm so sick of hormones that make it impossible to talk myself out of this.  Ten years ago, I could talk myself out of anything, any feeling that sucked, and my attitude was everything.  I was a fucking professional at my emotional control!  But this change of life....This midlife crisis....This is overwhelming.

I found myself, early this morning around 1 am, sprawled on my kingsize bed, and bawling, uncontrollability.  It sounded like the kind of tears you hear when passing urgent care or the ER at 1 am on a holiday, or a full moon.  The kind of heartbreaking wales, moans and whimpers that usually follow news of death.  I think I might have even uttered the word 'no' a few times.

Add on top of all this my dreams.  And I don't mean the ones of being a respected writer.  I mean the nightmare type dreams.  Lately I've had a couple that are disturbing for different reasons.  The first is my bare throat being cut by a very sharp knife,and the blood ozzing out, not bright, vibrant, Quintin Tarantino RED.   (this one means that i'm having difficulty explaining what I mean and what I want, my words are not getting through---i looked it up)  The second one is erotic, incredibly and surprising erotic and stars myself and one of my ex husbands.(want a hint which one?  He likes, wait they all likes classic rock....CRAP...that fits them all as well....okay....he finally beat me at Star Wars, but it took YEARS!)  This oddly timed dream means that that marriage, had something in it that relates to this current relationship and it reminding me of this one....I looked it up, dreaming of your ex is not what it appears to be, as with anything.  Although, I will say, I think that this ex is significant because of the way it ended.  Its the ending I hope will happen, but I know it wont.  So I'm left with longing for something I can never have.  (NIN day!...YES)

This is Karma on a GRAND scale, btw.  I want you to know that.  I understand how hurt you were, I really do now, for the pain I'm experiencing on my side of this love, this, lets just say, I'm happy he made it through it alive, and hope I do as well.

Happy New Year.  I need one.