Sunday, October 25, 2015

Temper Tantrums of Male Drivers

I've started to notice something here in Chicago that was not obvious to me in the other small towns and cities that I've lived in.  And it's how exhausting driving in the city has become for me.  I don't own a car, I use public transportation, not because I don't enjoy driving, but because it's cheaper.  And I honestly can't afford a car here, not with the parking and insurance rates, and gas.  Not to mention upkeep.  But in my job I do drive Beatle Boy to school and pick him up every day.

It doesn't even matter what time I'm driving, in Chicago they always drive like it's rush hour and they are thirty minutes late.  I'm amazed at the stupidity of the other drivers every day.  Every single day I hold my breath as people who supposedly got their drivers licenses, play with fate and take stupid chances.  Cutting me off is a daily favorite.  Both men and women do it to me, and I hate it when people cut me off.  So of course, I honk.  And I really lay on the horn.  I want them to SEE me in their rear view.  See me shake my head at them because they KNOW they are breaking the law and being stupid.

Now when it's a woman, I've noticed she ignores me.  Which is fine, I'm a woman, and I know she knows what she did.  Even if she won't acknowledge it.  Some women even try to communicate with a shrug.  I assume that means 'Opps', but it could mean 'Fuck you I'm ahead of you'.  Either doesn't really matter to me, because I got my point across, with my loud, blaring horn.  'I saw you and you suck, dumbass!'

No, what really pisses me off is the men.  Every time they hear my horn they argue that it's my fault for not letting them in, with no blinker and an 'You owe me and I'm going to do what I want' attitude.  See I'm a strong woman in life and behind the wheel.  I don't let a man do whatever he wants because he's a spoiled little boy.  Especially behind the wheel of a killing machine.  But what gets me every time, is they not only argue it's my fault they are stupid and tried to cut me off and now are stuck with their ass half in and half out of traffic;  but they resort, every time to personal insults.  I try not to use personal comments, like my favorite, "Grow a dick." Don't get me wrong, I think of them, I just don't say them.  Because I don't want them to pull out a gun and shoot me over a traffic law.  But men aren't scared that I might pull out a gun and with my crazy clown hair, decide to shoot them.   They feel completely within their rights to immediately go to the first thing they see that they think will bother me and make fun of it.  And why is that?  Why do men, when you are an unescorted woman, resort to commenting about my hair colors, or age instead of what is really bothering them?  My skill.  If I'd had a man riding shotgun, they wouldn't say a word.  Because in their mind, I'm controlled.  I have a man telling me what to do.  How frustrating!  Why are single women so threatening to men?

When I honk, I'm not commenting on their  hair, or lack of it, or weight or age.  I'm commenting on their lack of skill.  And they can't handle that.  No man can.  So knowing they are wrong but not wanting to appear weak, or horrors, admit they made a mistake in judgement, they mime in their rear view to cut my hair.  Or some frantic waving of the arms which makes them just look like a cock in a fight.  What does my hair have to do with anything?  It used to infuriate me.  But I find the same men will complement me on my hair at the bus or train stop, or grocery store, bank, pretty much anywhere.  And that's interesting to me.  And I'm an uncontrolled woman.  (no man on my arm)  Which is usually the most threatening to the male.  One, after we ended up side by side, actually rolled down the window to try to publicly humiliate me.  I kept saying, "I don't care, you don't have the right of way."  I've started laughing and pointing now when they try their comments, along with the shaking of my head.  I have a very 'mean librarian face' when I want it.  And BOY does it illicit comments about my 'clown hair'.  I know they jerk off to me later so who is the real clown?


Sunday, October 18, 2015

Worried vs Angry

I've taken a bold step in my subconscious.  He used to be the first thought I had every morning and the last thought I had every night.  He still is, except it isn't thoughts of love and fondness and memories anymore.  It's thoughts of him with her, and how angry I am at him.  No.  Not at him, at his choices.  I must be much more angry at that now that I've got some space to clear my head.  That and his actions.

Why do we get so angry with people we love when they disappoint us? I mean, if we really love them, we shouldn't want to control their actions, nor should we want them to be anything but happy.  And if being with someone else makes them happy, then we need to step aside and walk away.

Which is what I have done with several men in my life that say they love me. 

Curious, isn't it?  The word love.  It can mean so many different things to us.  And we might say it all the time, but it means a different kind of love or different intensity to everyone we say it to.  No love is exactly the same.  You always love someone the most, and that's the person you choose to spend your life with.  Not your children.  Not your best friends.  Now you can argue all you want about loving more than one person, but I will argue back that there is still the one you love the most.  And that is the one you choose.

Remember, you are always doing exactly what you want with your life.  Or you'd change it.  Some of us are martyrs, some of us enjoy the pain and some of us are only happy with conflict because that's how we grew up.  Abused, or surrounded by arguing adults that called their marriage love.  Children get confused and end up choosing what they see.  Almost every time.  Its very difficult to break the pattern of what mommy and daddy show us.  For example, I broke my abuse pattern and didn't abuse my children sexually.  I believe that was easy for me because it wasn't a parent that abused me, but family members.  But I was not able to break the broken home pattern that my mother showed me with her life.  It felt normal to me to have conflict and be the only parent.  It was what I knew.  I wasn't happy unless there was some kind of drama. 

Of course that was the past, now I am completely happy without drama, because I've taken the time to force myself to be alone to heal.  To understand what real happiness is.  To learn to be truly content with my own company and not need anyone else to 'complete' me.  For I am complete.  I am me. 

What I thought I wanted was to love Mr. Practical, and have him be the companion in my life, and be one to him.  With time, his choice has proven the right one for me.  Ironic, isn't it?  That I'm happier without him than he is with her and his life choices?  Then it became Mr. Hopeful that came back into my life and his needs overshadowed my own.  Once again I tried to be someone I wasn't because I loved him.  And I wanted him to be happy.  He gave me every reason to believe he wasn't.  Except changing his life.  They both did.  Both are still very unhappy with parts of their lives.  Major parts.  Parts that with me would be different.  But I'm not worth choosing.  Not to them.  And while somehow along the way I learned to separate the love of friendship with the love of passionate partners, I can be friends with them both.  But they have to want this too. 

So I wait to see what they will choose.  I don't wait alone, nor do I wait wasting my days anymore hoping they will contact me.  Nor have I done that very unhealthy habit of waiting, since I moved to Chicago.  But I have to admit that when they do, I am happy that our friendship remains. 

My issue now is conquering this anger.  And not letting it burst out upon anyone.  Even the ones I feel deserve it.  Happily I can admit that I'm not angry at Mr. Charisma any longer.  I don't hate him.  I don't think of him at all.  Its an after thought that I even mention him here.  Only as a measuring device.  At least with Mr. Practical and Mr. Hopeful I still care enough to be angry or worried or happy.  And I must admit that I'm not angry at Mr. Practical, worried is more the correct term there.  But Mr. Hopeful, I thought was a stronger man than he has showed me.  And so perhaps I'm angry at myself for not seeing him as who he has become, with time, and the curve balls that life has thrown him.  I'm much more adaptable and when life throws me curve balls I not only hit them out of the park, but once I'm safe at home, I prepare for the next one. 


Sunday, October 11, 2015

Angry - The Eighth Dwarf

I'm frustrated.  I'm at a loss for words.  I'm angry.  I hate Angry.  Angry doesn't let me think straight.  Angry speeds along with thoughts that no human mouth could articulate.  I'm one of the lucky ones, I have both types of Angry.  (I think I just created a new dwarf - Angry) 

I have the type of Angry that throws things across the room, lets call him Rage.  Last time I did that was when I was 34.  Rage seems to be sleeping.  But I also have the type that is very quiet and very patient, lets call him Revenge.  That's the part to be afraid of.  That's the angry that if allowed to grow I will reap a bitter harvest. 

Fortunately I know this, so it's highly unlikely that I'll let it gain control over me.  But if I did.  It's the kind of anger that destroys relationships and explodes an already dangerous situation.  Revenge is never the way to go.  I know, I've let it gain control in the past, and told myself it was for their own good.  (insert insane evil laughter here)  But true evil never sees they are evil, they always believe they are doing good.  That they are saving someone, or its for the greater good.  That's evil I can understand.  Because I've felt it.  Felt that I knew better, in all my wisdom.  What a crock of shit. 

How can anyone else know whats best for you?  HOW? 

Only you can say how you feel.  Only you can know when you are Happy.  Or Grumpy.  Or any of the other dwarfs.  But let someone in.  Let someone love you and all of a sudden, POW.  They know.  They know what's best for you.  They try to change you into what they want you to be, instead of loving who they met.  Who you are.  Ever been there?  I have.  I thought I was done picking that guy after all my marriages, but Mr. Charisma slunk and slithered his way in.  (insert more evil laughter)  And he was just suppose to be fun.  Just suppose to keep me busy until Mr. Hopeful found his way to me.  Well.  I'm angry.  I've given up on Mr. Hopeful ever finding his way to me.  And that's good.  That's been a long time coming.  A VERY LONG TIME.  But as I've always tried to explain, the heart wants what the heart wants.  It's not very bright.  The heart.  The heart could be Dopey, and sometimes Bashful.  Because the heart loves unconditionally. 

That stupid organ!  When will it learn.  But that's the brain.  That's Doc.  Saying what you know you don't want to know, but you know it already.  Like, if he loves you he'd be with you.  GOD I hate Doc.  Even if he's right.  So today I give power to the new eighth dwarf Angry, and I'm going to let him go out into the world and just be free, like a butterfly.  Because I'm getting over what I believe now to have been the flu, since I'm on day 22 (with 6 well days in there somewhere)  So I'm going to lay back and be Sleepy and Sneezy while I watch Doctor Who, The Walking Dead, Dark Matter, and Rita. 


Sunday, October 4, 2015

Can of Worms OPENED. Perception of GUNS

We all see things differently.  This is a scientific fact, our brains process what we see differently.  So it follows that through that process what we feel is different and governed by what we have processed.  But what helps us make those connections in our brains?  Our experience.  And all of our experience is different.  I believe, for the most part, as humans, we can agree on this.  But that is where it unfortunately ends, and why we have so many conflicts in our day to day life with other humans on almost every subject.  When we stand up for our rights, or our feelings are in question on a topic, we can forget that we feel this way only because of OUR PERSONAL experience.

But what about the other guy?  That's right, that other guy spouting complete nonsense about religion, or sex or politics.  What about that guys opinion?  His experience.  His perception.  Doesn't it count?  Even if its contrary to our own?  Of course it does.  That's why, we, at our best discuss, or argue and sometimes at our worse, we rage.  And unfortunately when we rage, sometimes, we take our opinions to the point of life or death.  At the end of a gun in a crowded school room, or military base, or shopping mall,  or airplane.  We have started to believe that if we can't change your mind about your opinion well, then we'll just kill you.  This is a violence that is obviously brought about by extreme negative perceptions and I would imagine great despair and depression.  A feeling of helplessness and in some cases a feeling of overwhelming power.  Power to change the world, perhaps to their perception of a better place.  This is wrong of course, and we are helpless as we watch these unbalanced and perhaps temporarily lost individuals, grapple with their minds as they slowly go insane.  For what sane person could be on the end of that gun, trying to force their perceptions upon others.  Their feelings of right and wrong, or their rage.  What sane person would use a gun in this manner?  None would.  And yet, somehow, this unbalanced and desperate person, has acquired such a means of destruction.  And in most states this is accomplished quite easily, and with little checking of proper identification.  How can we regulate gun control if there is no real gun control?  I don't want to ban guns.  I believe that if you feel you need one to hunt or protect your family you should be able to have one, if properly trained in how to use it, keep it clean, and truly guard the right to have it.  By keeping it away from the untrained, like children, or the unbalanced.  And I believe that most of us that own guns do just this.  But that can't be the whole story.

Because there are still those out there, with guns, that don't care, or have given up on life.  They might just take themselves out, but they might decide that you cutting them off during rush hour traffic, is enough of a difference in perception to end your life.  Or they might decide that if you don't believe in the same god as they do that you are evil and should die.  Or they might decide that because you made fun of their way of dress or sexual partner that the world would be better off without you. 

When people try to discuss this topic of "how do we stop all the mass murder in our country", there is a lot of heat.  And the gun owners immediately think that we want to take away their rights and change the constitution.  Well, that's not true, not completely.  We do need to change the constitution on this issue, just like we changed it for women to vote, for anyone of any color or religion to vote, even for young people aged 18 to vote, and also for the limitation of the presidential term of office.  In the last 200 years our constitution has been amended 27 times.  Its a 'living document' designed to live and grown as our nation grows.  When people argue that we want to change it.  Its true we do.  But it needs to be changed so more innocent people with a different perception, don't have to die, because of one persons rage.  Because of one persons perception.  I'm all for the discussion of that perception, I'll listen and even try to change my mind before I try to change yours.  But I don't feel I should have to do this at the end of a gun.  Nor would I ever use a gun to bring my perception to the table.  But so far, I'm still sane. 

What about that other guy?

Isn't it worth it to make it more difficult to obtain a gun to keep our children and families safe?

Isn't that what guarding the privilege of having a gun is about?

I don't understand why this is even an issue.  It's a no brainer to me.  Less guns on the street less gun deaths.   Less mass shootings from quite frankly, insane people.  Not one of the shooters was pronounced sane.  No one said, "oh that guy was just trying to make a really good point and when no one listened he just shot them all."  They were all insane.  They had all cracked.   Had enough.  And had access to guns.  Access.  This is all I want to limit. 

Can we just, as humans, sit down without the NRA, and talk about this?  Can we just get the lobbies to for once stay out of it, and let us decide as humans?  This is why congress can't get anything done.  Lobbies.  It's either the NRA or the Big Three or Big's always something that bars our elected officials from passing the laws that I hope we want.

If my nation of fellow American's do not want what is really best for humans, I'm afraid I'll have to leave the nation of my birth for a country that believes that life is more important than money.  Please feel free to comment as always, but I beg you to think.  Just think and feel, as a human with a limited life span and great power over the earth.