"And I Don't Want The World To See Me"----Iris

And we are on the seventh song in the list.  Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.  It was actually tough to pick one lyric from that song that fits this blog....every lyric in that song fits how I'm feeling:

"I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow".....
That's so true.  I wake up in the wee hours of the morning, and he explodes into my head, unannounced, but welcome.  My mind slowly comes out of its slumber and can feel him in the distance, thinking of me, and our connection makes me smile.  I can be myself when I'm with him, and that is more valuable to me than any other relationships.  I imagine that he might be awake too, thinking of us, and that slender thread that connects us helps me find him in my dreams.

"But sooner or later it's over, I just don't wanna miss you tonight"....
It's not that I'm not in the moment when I'm with him, I am.  But when it's over, after the basking, or as I like to call it the 'bangover'....I do miss him when he isn't here.  I do miss his presence.  I miss everything about him.  His touch, his smile, his smell, his taste.  I can look around my bedroom and see evidence of him being here.  Things of his, he left, or borrowed me, or bought me.  I love them because they remind me that he is real, and not imaginary.  But they also remind me that he is not mine.

"All I can taste is this moment.".....
When we are together the world disappears.  I had forgotten what that felt like until he reminded me what real passion is.  To be desired this much is exactly what I feel true love is all about.  We may not ever be able to be together in the way we both imagine it, but that doesn't lessen the moments that we are.  And I treasure them beyond all others.  For they are few.

"All I can breathe is your life":....
Sometimes, and this is only the times like now, when I'm alone and can reflect...but sometimes, I feel like a supporting character in his life.  I guess this is common for a mistress, it feels logical.  It's not that I'm living for him, I just find myself willing to rearrange my life for time with him.  I figure that's a two way street, and no matter how often, or seldom I see him, I sometimes forget that he is trying to see me as much as he can.

"When everything feels like the movies.....
And I'm such a hopeless romantic about the movies....about a good love story.  And the situation I  am in now, would make a great screenplay, caught between Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Charisma.  I'm sure it's already been done, and I'm not sure I could do it better, but I think I might have to try to write this out.  Maybe its a story that needs to be on the screen.

but the chorus...."And I don't want the world to see me, cuz I don't think that they'd understand.  When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."....
That's the kicker ain't it?  I don't want the world to see me, because I KNOW they won't understand how I can love them both this much, and share them with their chosen lives.  How I can walk proudly knowing I am loved and missed by them as much as I miss them....even if by societies rules they are not mine to love.  You can't help who you love.  How I would walk away rather than have them hurt or their lives disrupted, in any way.  But I don't believe that marriage lasts, my own experience, forgive me or stop reading if you are offended, but personal experience is all we can ever go on.  And I believe that broken love can be repaired, that hurts can be fixed if the love and passion still remain. If the respect and friendship is still there.  But if your down to just sex, and no desire then, it's over.  And if you need me, then it's probably just a waiting game or a pride issue until you decide that you have had it and leave.  I just want you to know who I am.  I'm the one that will still be here, backing you up on your decisions, standing by your side as you are mocked or ridiculed for your passions.  I'm the one that believes in us even more than you do.  I'm the one that helps you "bleed just to know you're alive."  I'm the one that is willing to gamble that you'll never be mine, but still sees you when you want me.  I'm the one worth risking everything you don't want to lose.

Cheers.

Different Strings

And what a week for Different Strings.  "Peel away the mystery, here's a clue to some real  motivation....All there really is....the two of us."

Busy with work and the training of my replacement, and my coming promotion has me worried enough, but it's the Holidays.  And for a woman like me, where I am sharing my greatest loves, the holidays are a time of separation and loneliness ...or use to be.  Mr. Charisma has decided, with very little suggestion from me, to see me as often as possible, because my new promotion will take away his time with me and our usual relaxing hours together will be cut drastically in half.  He took my suggestion to heart and saw me every night last week except one.  wow...is he going to spoil me or what?  All I can say.

And just when I thought it might be another week or two before I saw Mr. Hopeful, (its been three) he arranges, out of the blue, to stop and see me this morning.  I guess he couldn't let Christmas go by without trying to see me.  This season is all about love, and the people you want most to see, so them making time for me around this holiday means more to me than they can know.  While I'm not sitting around just waiting for them, I have my own family to plan holiday events; it does my heart a world of good to know that right now, we are all on the same page in wishing we could see more of each other during the close of the year.

"Different eyes see different things, different hearts beat on different strings, but there are times, for you and me when all such things agree."

I hope that you all have a great holiday, and that your days are filled with love, tenderness and true caring from your loved ones.  And like me, that you get exactly what you want for Christmas.  Cheers.

Every Little Thing She (He) Does Is Magic

Ah....so we have come to this song on the playlist, and this one is kind of important, because it is why I am with them.  It is a mutual feeling, that I'm certain of.  Hence the pronoun playing game in the title.  I know I'm and addiction to them as much as they are to me, and it's a gaming reference as well, for those of you that are geeks out there.

I find that this playlist is still very relevant to me.  I had originally made it with one person in mind, Mr. H.  And as I was exploring my feelings I realized I can't talk about how I feel about him without touching on how I feel about Mr. C as well.  And well, it became for them both.  I have a feeling that will be the case for as long as I feel this 'In Tune' with them both.  I fell for my own ploy.  I'm always saying, "Never say never..." to them, and I now find myself in a position that I swore I would never be in again.  In love with two men at the same time.  It's not all magic, but for me, for the most part, when I'm with them it is.  Magic.

I suppose that's the biggest reason they make me smile and my days seem brighter when we have a moment to say hello, and that we are missing each other, daily.  And let me go on record in saying that this is exactly what occurs.  Sometimes our conversations are very brief, but they mean more than the lengthy conversations we have with others.  They are memorable.  Not just because of their content, but because they are magic.  They are a like a healing, comfortable place we can run to, and know that whatever shit has befallen us that day, a smile and kind word from us means more than anything else.  Is more comforting and confidence building than anything from anyone else.

Its magic.  And it works.  Even when plans change, like today with Mr. C, less time than we normally would have wanted, but still making it work.  Or when Mr. H uncharacteristically off lines me, just to let me know he was thinking about me.  I love that romantic shit.  I'm a girl deep down inside, no matter how much I try to pretend to be an equal in a man's world.  I know I am not, and I know I can be more magic if I understand that sometimes 'losing' to a man, is, in the long run, 'winning'.  I was recently reminded by Mr. C that, that is a fact that most women don't understand, but that I do.  I love it when my idea is the same as theirs...that too is Magic.  And happens more than we probably know.  It really is too bad that we can't spend as much time together as we want.  But I like where we are, emotionally.  Somehow, we make this work, the three of us...just sharing our lives and trying to find some happiness in a cruel and unfair world.  And finding each other in that world...well that's the biggest Magic.

Cheers

Rooms On Fire

"Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire....every time that you walk in the room..."

Knowing that I was on this song on the list this morning didn't make starting this blog any easier.  Rooms On Fire indeed.  Last night was suppose to be a quiet night, with no plans, waiting for Mr. Hopeful to be on line so we could chat a bit, in-between interruptions and while this is not ideal, it is all we have, and I promised him I'd be there....all for him...and I wasn't.  Well, I was, but I was distracted.  And I feel so guilty for it.

My plans changed suddenly yesterday, and I ended up with a date with Mr. Charisma that was suppose to be our usual Sunday, and while we still might be able to steal away today, neither of us wanted to put all our eggs into one basket and so we made sure we got to see each other last night, just in case.  You can see where this is going, right?  And I'm betting you expected a conflict much earlier, right?  And this whole situation was out of a romantic comedy, or tragedy, depending on your point of view.

"And then there would be someone who would enter into her presence...that she could sense for miles..."

When the time came to chat with Mr. Hopeful, even though I was content and happy to be with Mr. Charisma, I found myself drawn to my phone and it's insistent blinking light.  There he was....on time....wanting to spend what little time we have together and what was I doing?  Exactly what he wants me to do.  Date.  Find someone that can give me what I want and need.  Be happy.  So if that's true, then why did I care that he was waiting for me?

I think we all know the answer to that question, don't we?   I should have just told him that something came up, he would have understood, but been disappointed.  And I HATE to disappoint him.  He has so much in his life that he is already disappointed in, I can't be another.  I won't be.  But I have noticed that I've been devoting more time to Mr. Charisma than to any of the rest of the A-Team.  Well, Mr. Practical is lucky because he has probably not even noticed since his on line time has decreased as well.  And That Guy, well, as long as his approach is booty calls only, he will learn that my time is scheduled in advance or he won't see me.  That brings me to another curiosity that I mention only because I believe it has baring.  Mr. Confident made an appearance this week, and he has been absent for five months.  I didn't miss him, and I still don't.  And this time when he reached out to see if I wanted to play, I was so turned off, I hardly answered him, and I came up with a lame excuse about no time.

I understand what that means, when a man says he as no time for me, it really means he chooses not to make time for me.  I wonder if Mr. Confident understands this?  I'm betting with his ego he doesn't.  But since he didn't make the cut for the A-Team it really doesn't matter, except when I put it into sharp reality with Mr. Hopeful.  You see, he has no time for me. I'm hoping when my schedule changes at work that I will be use to staying up later and maybe, on a good night, we might be able to at least chat more, but seeing him seems to be more and more difficult.  And I'd hoped with more nights working he might find more time for us.  And maybe he will.  All I know is that I was very guilty in not telling him why I was so tired and distant.  And the only real reason I wasn't honest was because I didn't think he could handle it.  I thought he might be jealous and stop talking to me, like That Guy.  

And while I'm use to That Guy's sudden appearances and departures when he doesn't get an invite, I don't want Mr. Hopeful to fall into the category of 'booty call'.  I just don't like that feeling.  And yet with him, when he calls, and it suddenly works for us, it doesn't 'feel' like a booty call.  And yet technically, That Guy would argue it is.  I can't shake the feeling of how guilty I felt last night rushing the time I had with Mr. Charisma, who NEVER treats me like a booty call.  And why did I?  On the outside chance that Mr. Hopeful might really chat with me into the night, as he suggested, and then me not being able to stay awake.  And here Mr. Charisma, with just as much to lose, not only makes time for me every week, at least two times a week, sometimes three, and for hours at a time.  His actions make me feel like this is much more than what I'm willing to admit.  I felt guilty answering Mr. Hopeful, and he was the scheduled date.  And I know he's not jealous, not exactly, and he understands the situation, and is as 'okay' with it as anyone could be expected to be.  

I honestly think the real reason neither of them stomp their foot and make me only see them, is that they understand they have no right to do that to me.  Not as long as they are both 'otherwise engaged'.  Now if we were all less complicated, I'm sure I would have to choose.  And if I was made to choose right now, could I?  That's a good question.  I wish I had a good answer.

I'm sitting here in my ginormous bed, with the blinds open, watching it finally snow, and knowing that my actions speak volumes over my words.  And last night, I couldn't ignore him.  I'm sad that we can't be together, but I'm happy that I found someone that makes me not only forget that sadness, but look toward a future of happiness, seeing each other for as long as our feelings last.  Which I know sounds temporary, but may be more permanent than any marriage out there.  Is it possible to love two men at once?  Really?  I know Mr. Practical would say yes, as he swore he loved his finance and me at the same time and was very close to choosing me over the pending marriage, commitment, loyalty, and all that jazz won out there.  And he seems so much more stressed now that he has 'what he always wanted' I wonder if he ever wonders if he made the right choice there.  

I sometimes wonder if any of them are telling me the truth about what they feel for me.  When Mr. Hopeful tells me he loves me, I wonder if it's the same love I feel for him, or if it's more a grateful kind of respect and lust that I'm willing to be his mistress.  Same for Mr. Charisma.  Am I just what he needed to make his life feel perfect, to give him what he can't get from her anymore, or is it really me he loves?  Mr. Practical and I had to stop saying the 'L-word' because I just couldn't wrap my head around him loving us both equally.  I get that now, more than I ever did before.  Ironic that he is not involved in the equation anymore.  And that may be only because deep down inside I know how much he loves his wife and how happy he is with her.  I know we don't have a future, not even a fantasy one.  And that realization has hurt my writing with him, and I believe has hurt his writing with me as well.  

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong.  Maybe for once I should just do what feels right and good for me.  Maybe I should make this about the fun I have when I'm with them, and let that be my guide on who gets to spend the most time with me.  Maybe I should just live my life, and stop worrying about how they see it, or if they feel jealous or if they love me or not.  In the end, it really only matters that I'm true to my feelings, and that's really all I can control.  And see if they can handle that.  Having to please me as much as they expect I should please them.  hum...Somehow empowering myself makes the guilt fade, and the love grow.  The desire to see them and spend good quality time together is what I want.  And from now on, I think that's all I'm going to accept.  Time together.  Time for us only.  Since I have to share them anyway, my time with them should be all about us, not about their lives without me.  Unless that effects us.  I think I need to be stronger in what I want and need out of these relationships.  Perhaps that will help me choose, when and if I ever need to.  

...."long nets of white cloud my memory..."

Getting In Tune

So for those music savvy enough to see these things without me telling you, good for you.  For the rest, this is the second week I've used a song title for the title of my blog and believe me they aren't random, but if I told you where they are coming from, well, I'd have to kill you, so best you don't know.  (Oh and if you don't know last weeks song or this week, I suggest you look them up, and become educated in music I love).
Getting In Tune, this has been a huge week for me doing just that.  Caught a nasty bug from one of the A Team and we've been sick together this week.  Even sick can't keep Mr. Charisma away, apparently. Three times last week, and I'm seeing him at some point in time today, so again, a jump on next week.  I do love attention, and I'm very in tune to him.  The connection is not only strong but becoming sturdy.  Maybe not as sturdy as Mr. Hopeful or Mr. Practical, but surprisingly well on his way to becoming a very good friend.  This is a huge distinction, and really why he's on the team, after all.

Getting In Tune with Mr. H has been difficult, lots of stress there for him so it kind of sloshes over onto me and effects how I react when around around him.  I don't mind being there for him as a friend and confident, how could I?  Its part of who we are, but sometimes, I wish he could just leave all that behind, take a deep breath, and just be, completely in the moment, with me.  Sometimes I think is, well probably most the time.  And it's really impossible to discuss how we are and catch up without talking about our families and jobs and 'real life, and the life that you know...'  oops, early song cue...Hang on Stevie, your time will come.  Of course its our real lives that keep us apart and seeing each other so seldom, that I almost for get what it feels like to just be with him.  But I did get to see him this week, very unexpectantly after he told me it was out this week.  Guess Fate had different plans.   But I'm in tune there too, it's fainter than it was, almost being drowned out by the holiday stress and noise.  But sometimes, when I'm sure he must be thinking of me, he pops into the forefront of my thoughts, and sometimes its at the most incontinent moments.  He is still, after two years, like a computer program that is consistently running in the background of my thoughts.

Getting In Tune with Mr. Practical, this is much more difficult and something that snuck up on me.  And believe me, I NEVER (never say never) expected it.  This strong and sturdy connection that I've been in tune with for,well, I guess since the beginning really, but especially in the last two years, is starting to fade.  I hardly feel him anymore and it worried me greatly in the beginning.  And I've come up with several reasons, he's also under some incredible stresses in his life, both business and personal, like Mr. H.  However Mr. P doesn't complain about it, nor does he talk much about the things that are disturbing him, unless I ask him.  And you know do.  The good news is that I really feel like I'm advising him with no agenda other than being best friends.  I'm not going to admit that maybe I've fallen out of love with him, but I will admit that the fires of passion have been successfully banked, and I'm even okay with knowing where they are.  Like a favorite old blanket, that I grab every evening to feel comfortable and safe.  It's a sturdy connection, and I know we are both in the same place.  This does not diminish his love for his family nor for me, it just feels more right for the moment.  And I'm happy we do live in the moment when we are together, every time.  Somehow our love has transcend normal or what people consider normal, and has invented itself and morphed into a great love that we can express in almost complete platonic friendship now.  Sure we both have moments when a certain song might be playing or one of us decides to stoke that banked fire in a discussion on line, but for the most part, I really feel that where I am with him is exactly right for us.

Getting In Tune with That Guy I honestly don't believe will ever happen, we are too different, and where we are alike could be scary for the entire world.  And besides, I kind of like him, right where he is, being his honest, agenda driven self.  I'm a little afraid of getting in tune with him, and I think that's the real reason I don't.

Getting In Tune with myself is what it's all about, and while I feel sometimes like I'm walking a tightrope of gossip while juggling my team and avoiding the crowd throwing innuendo at me, I'm keeping my balance.  Hell I'm having fun keeping my balance.  And as long as no one is getting hurt, I plan to continue to see as much of them as they desire, or can fit in.  And I am going to try to be in the moment more with each of them, instead of becoming suddenly shy or confused about my emotions.  I think this is the time in my life I'm suppose to be exploring them.

Perhaps a tuning fork would help. ;)
Cheers

Changes

I can feel it in the air...
Change is coming, and not it's not just winter, it's real change.
Something clicked yesterday, something that's been missing in my life for a long time, is back.  And for the last twenty-four hours, I've been trying to put my finger on what it is that exactly changed.  You know that's the hardest part, right?  When change actually occurs.  Change is tricky that way; change takes its time.  If you were conscience of it you would see how agonizingly a slow process change really is.  And yet once it occurs, once you are aware of the change, it can seem but an instant.  And you and your life are forever changed....different, but the same.  Almost like a 'new and improved you'.  This is starting to happen to me.  A sudden realization of a very slow change in who I am as compared to who I pretend to be.  Right now I'm smiling at the visual in my head, of each of you reading this and smiling, because you already know this to be true, and you feel you know the real me and the 'act' me...

...but do you?

Interesting question, and if you said, 'Yes', interesting answer.  Considering I sometimes don't even know.  But I won't argue with you, mostly because you aren't here and can't, but also because that's what real love is all about isn't it?  Getting to know someone on the most intimate levels and still wanting to be with them.  Knowing them almost better sometimes than they know themselves.  Or even more, feel that pang of desire when they aren't around.  Not just missing them, feeling like you are somehow lacking something, without them near you.  I know what some people say, that you shouldn't need a man to complete you.  And it really isn't that, it's more of finding the most attentive audience member.

Yeah, you heard me right.  For me, when I really like a guy, he could be talking about dirt and I'd find it fascinating.  And really want to know more about dirt, and would start to become an expert in it.  Just so I can talk with him about dirt...cuz he loves it.  I rarely feel like I get that back at the same level of interest.  I say rarely because right now I really do feel there are two men in my life that really do seem to want to, not only know who I am, but want me to know who they are.  And I love this part of discovery in love.  I'm fascinated with the different levels of love.  Where each time we fall we feel 'AHH...This is it!  No love could possibly make me feel any more satisfied than this!"  That is until the next love comes along, and it's somehow, impossibly, deeper.  More intimate.  More sensual.  More of everything that was great in the last love, and then you find yourself saying. 'AHH.  Now I understand...THIS is it!'  Only to find in time, that you were wrong again.  And the next love will be even greater.

I suppose because my experience in this department has always been greater with each love, that I feel that nothing lasts forever.  Except love.  Love has been a constant in my life.  I know this is why I become so insistent and urgent in love.  As if time would rob me of the best moments.  And right now, I'm so torn between the two of them, and I'm happy with them both, and with our current situations which are not ideal for expressing everything that we'd like to express.  Time is the real enemy here, and is robbing us of some of the best moments...and yet...perhaps...less is more.  Perhaps I love them both so much, not because of the way they make me feel, but because we never know if this time was the last.  We are more aware of the fact because we live separate, complete lives.  And our lives could rip us from each other at any moment.  Makes our moments together much more special, and since they are so precious we are always at our best together.  Even if we start out stressed and having the worst days ever, once we see each other, and can touch, and share everything that we are as individuals, everything else just disappears.

I'm amazed, and I crave that feeling all the time.  And get jealous for it.  Of course I tend to border on obsessive behavior.  And I'm a bit of an extrovert and flirt, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.  In fact for sensual people, for those of us who are hopeless romantics, well....lets just say it doesn't take much for our minds to wander back to each other.  And the connection I feel with them both is so strong now.  They occupy my thoughts and I find myself sighing, and smiling.  That can't be all bad?  Right?

Digging Deeper

This week has been a whirlwind of demands on my time, which has been very flattering and exhausting. Mr. Hopeful requested my presence last night, and of course I went, and we had wonderful time together.  Even better for me because we were much more sober than our big date last week.  Two times in two weeks, I'm going to get spoiled by this.

Then there was Mr. Charisma.  Talk about making a girl feel special, three times this week and he wants to see me tonight as well.  (Getting a jump on next week).  I may need a weekend to rest up from my weekend.  I have brunch with the girls at Dublin Square at 11 this morning and I'm going to do my best to be awake.  

I don't know what it is, but I feel so connected to them both and I have a great time when I'm with them and I know I'm being selfish in keeping them both, but I can't choose.  And so far, I haven't been asked to, and don't believe I will be.  But it makes me wonder about myself.  How selfish am I?  Do I really need all this attention to feel this happy?  Because, honestly I haven't feel this happy in a long time....not since...And if that's true, then I guess I have to admit some things about myself that might not be too pleasant, but that wouldn't be the first time there either.  I have always felt that I didn't share well, being an only child, and I believe there was a time in my life where I could never have been the woman I am now.  But I think the role of a mistress suits me.  I know this is a hard thing to admit but I think I need to understand how I've grown and changed over the last two years.

The way I see it, there are many moral lines in the sand that we draw and say we will never never cross.  And for some of us that is life.  They have drawn their lines in the sand and are still standing in that emotional cave, trapped.  For me, my personal journey has been more like drawing a line in the sand, and than having Fate put right in front of me, the very scenario I swore I would never accept.  As if she were saying, "Oh yeah?  Never say never!  Lets see what you do with THIS.  BAM!"  And the exact opportunity presents itself, and I am left standing at a crossroads of decision.  'Should I?'  'Dare I?' Of course, I fail, and cross the line.  Only to stubbornly draw another line in the sand and demand that I pay attention to THIS boundary  because we are not crossing it.  (Did I just start talking about myself in third person?  shit..)

**WE INTERRUPT THIS STORY TO BRING YOU INSIGHT.  PAY ATTENTION.  ITS FREE.** (Of course if I'm talking about myself in third person that can only mean that I've already snapped and this is the moment of clarity inside the insanity.  We now return to the Crazy Girl Brain.)**

So now I am asking myself, why?  Why do I cross that line?  Don't get me wrong, I haven't crossed ALL of my moral lines in the sand....yet....what scares me, just a little, is that I have crossed a couple of really big ones.  Huge ones.  In fact in the last two years, since this blog journey started, has been the most surprising, and yet fulfilling of my life.  And not just in the physical by any means, but that has been huge, and needed.  You see before this time I had spent almost a decade licking my wounds and being a social hermit where men were concerned.  I had my girl friends and a few male friends, very taken and very safe.  (Remember I wasn't the me I am now)  But no one I wanted to love or be loved by.  And since Mr. Practical, and Mr. Hopeful came into my lives I've found my heart has reawakened in it's desire to be loved.  Which brings me to Mr. Charisma, and another line crossed.  But look at me drawing another line in the sand, and proudly nodding my resolve that this place in my journey is as far as I'm willing to go.  Wanna hear something really sad and scary?  I'm not sure I believe it anymore than you do.

So the only thing I can do, is realize this is personal growth, for good or ill, it really doesn't matter.  For as Hunter S. Thompson is oft quoted,  " Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "Wow!  What a Ride!"  It may not be your goal, but it totally is mine.

sidenote:  I'd also like to be sitting bitch in this car.  :D

Cheers

The Surprises

Hello Sunday!  And hello playmates.  I am happily surprised at how the week went.  First up this week again is Mr. Charisma.  An impromptu date earlier in the week with some of my favorites, wine, cheese, conversation, movies and cuddling.  I'm not use to being swept off my feet, (only Mr. Hopeful has achieved that in recent years), and this new attention is most welcome and surprising. The evening started with us trying to decide what movie to watch, my assignment was to pick one I wanted him to see that had an effect on me.  I had a short list, and then narrowed it down to three that he hadn't seen that I was in the mood for, (look them up on www.imdb.com if you are curious.)  Sliding Doors, Chocolate and The Philadelphia Story.  Sorry Johnny Depp, but with, Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart AND Katheryn Hepburn in the mix it was The Philadelphia Story hands down.  And he was as pleased that I choose the classic.  We have been texting a lot and trying to get to know each other on a more human level, and every layer we uncover we find we have much in common.  This bodes well for a long lasting friendship when (if) the passion dies down.  As the movie started...... we really did try to watch the movie.

(APPLYING TMI FILTER NOW....you will be directed to appropriate blogging information following this frustrating interruption of my intimate life....in  three.
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....it was good movie and a very satisfying evening together, just goes to show you that I can be very happy with 5 or 6 uninterrupted hours together.   He checked in with me yesterday to get on my calender for next week already.  That's an interested man.  And I am very interested to be on this particular journey.

The very next day, Mr. Practical made for the coast for three day/two night escape with his wife.  Much needed for them both.  And I'm actually more happy for him and his real life...wait a minute, I'm real...his practical life, than I am any other of my A-Team.  That Guy squeaks in a close second.  I enjoy being a sounding board for them, and while I didn't have any time for That Guy last week, we did check in on line to be sure we were both still swimming.

And then there was the big date, yes Mr. Hopeful came through, and yes I was very happy to see him, and yes he was full of surprises, most of which I can't talk about.  He was just as romantic as Mr. Charisma.  He also brought drinks, and some toys and a very honest and heartfelt cd he had created for us of how he's been feeling.  I'd made him one last fall, and he responded in kind.  And while I thought I knew how he felt, it means so much to my heart to know I was right.  And as pathetic as it sounds, it will keep him in my heart and mind on those cold, long, winter nights at are fast approaching.  I can't stop listening to it.

I believe the second surprise went something like this:  "And the best part about this is you can't blog about it...'The Anticipation'...I'm sure Mr. Practical loves reading about himself as much as I do."....then he mumbled....did he mention Mr. Charisma already....and huff a bit?  hum.  I'm not sure, but it was there, a flash of jealousy about their existence and about my writing about my life.  I just smiled and reminded him as gently as I could that I actually know what Mr. Practical thinks as he's usually the first to weigh in on my blog.  And Mr. Hopeful is not the first lover to try to edit what I post.  Fortunately I'm use to his nature and this did not ruin our evening, for it's almost impossible for us to be in the same room and not touch each other.


(APPLYING TMI FILTER NOW....you will be directed to appropriate blogging information following this frustrating interruption of my intimate life....in  three.
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The only regret I have about this night is in the amount of stimulants that he wants and needs.  I could have made the night much more memorable if he had trusted my limits.  This was a surprise too, this one action of force, made me feel more like a purely sexual object... a toy....rather than what I know I am....and I had waited for this night for so long, and hoped I could make it a positive memory for us both, and now when I think back on it, I realize how much in control he is of our time together.  How afraid I am to upset him, for fear he will storm out of my life.  How much I want to please him.  How far I'm willing to go to make him happy.  It's a scary revelation.  And one I'm becoming very familiar with.  I've always known I have submissive traits...but if anyone can dominate me, truly, it is him.  And while this journey is much more frustrating than the rest, I find myself so addicted to him, that I long for our next meeting, instead of running for the hills.  

I guess this week has taught me one thing very clearly.  Mr. Hopeful is right, I do deserve better than this.  I do deserve more than any of my A-Team is willing or able to give me.  (although I must say, Mr. Charisma is leading the pack in consistent dating..so far one night every week since we met...that's major, but also he has proven to me, doable.  And guess what?  He's got almost the same distractions as Mr. Hopeful)  And yet, I am happy single.  I am happy sharing, and getting what I hope to be 'the best of both worlds'.  I enjoy being their Mistress....does this mean they are all my Masters?  hum...not sure on the technicality of that, but I kinda like it.  ;)  

And as tired and dare I say it, sore, as I was yesterday, today I am ready for more 'fun and fuckery', as the saying goes.  Maybe that's the real issue on my inability to commit to one man.  I've never found one man that can keep up with my real sexual energy, and my real lust for life and experiences.  Maybe, I need all of them to keep me entertained, and no one man can do it.  I think I'll go with that reasoning.  It's "Jill-logical".

Cheers.

The Anticipation

Without a doubt the theme for this weeks blog is anticipation.  There are so many definitions to anticipation.  I'll try my best to make my point by my usual story examples.  Here we go, try to keep up.

Its been a busy week in the romance/sex department, and for some reason I really do feel like a siren, or a muse.  It all started on Monday when Mr. Hopeful had to cancel our big date, again on Friday night.  We've only been planning for weeks, and this was the third cancel in a row.  Makes a girl wonder.  The anticipation here is one of more disappointment flavored with renewed but cautious expectation...This is the uphill part of the emotional roller-coaster that is Mr. Hopeful.  And if you know me you know I LOVE roller-coasters and the uphill hope is always well worth the wait of the down hill thrill of being with him again.  This is not just any date.  Anticipation.

The next form is That Guy who took up the slack on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night after trivia.  He keeps me busy, primarily in my mind, which as a writer I really do love to live in.  My mind is a warm and sensual place, for the most part.  But see, That Guy likes to push my limits to the edge of where I think I will go....mentally.  The physical is in my control, because he never touches me or my inserted toys.  It's all about control, and this week I had tried something I'd never done before, publicly  and it turned out to be a very sensual experience, and no one touched me, and no one knew....well, he knew.  And I know he wants to touch me, but the fact that he doesn't makes it even more exciting and intimate somehow.  Anticipation.  

Then there was Friday night, and...wait for it....The Return Of Mr. Charisma.  It even sounds like porn.  (shakes head smiling)  This one is really my emotional match in the flirting department and that is so much fun.   Really.  Its liberating.  Reminds me of my first husband, before he came out, while he was married to me and we were still childless with no intent or plans on that.  Footloose and fancy free.  It's fun to know I can be out with Mr. Charisma and be all over him one minute, or him all over me as it's more likely to be; and all over another man or several men as the evening progresses, and it wouldn't bother him a bit.  He'd still show up to escort me out of there, safely home with him, much to the surprise of the rest of the men.  FUN!  And no one really gets hurt.  Because see, that's a woman's question, that men never ask me....."are you with him?"...or "are you seeing anyone?"  Women ask that a lot more than men.  Curious.  But it fit my needs perfectly that men don't ask it.  See, they don't ask it because they don't want to know, and have that information maybe change their course.  And that's the same reason I don't ask it.  Its amazing how many of you don't wear your rings out.  But out with him or in with him, is a very sensual experience and, well, we dance well there as well.  I have a funny feeling we are both still holding back our A Games as we know, we have lots of time to explore, why rush it.  Anticipation.

And then there was last night and Mr. Practical, who texted me while I was at one of my 'beer-kids' houses partying and catching up on her life.  I had and have been on him (hehehe) to finish his chapter for months.  MONTHS I tell you!  It's hard to be his editor/muse and try to help keep him motivated when he fights himself as much as I do.  And he finished it!  FINALLY.  I couldn't wait to get home and read it.  Just finished my second path through it, and I can't wait to give him feedback.  This is proof that I fight it more than he does, since I haven't written in MONTHS....either....and I've thought about it, but I am kind of afraid to go back to it.  The first draft is done, I'm fighting myself on finishing the second draft.  And the reason, I think, is because I'm in chapters now that I wrote while very in love with Mr. Practical.  And, well, see, we buried all that in a big chest, and put huge chain links around it, and padlocked them on, just to be safe.  And then we put it in a closet in the bedrooms of our minds (WOW...does that sound like a Simon and Garfunkel song to anyone else?...The Bedrooms of Our Minds....)....and then we locked that door and put a tapestry over it, so we can't even see the door, and hung lots of tapestry so we can't see even where it might have been....So, yeah.  We are trying to be really good and so far we have been for a year now.  We've had some minor, flirtatious events on line, purely in our heads again...not even on video....being good.  We've saved so much of us, and happily are in a very honest and loving place.  That took much emotional intensity to achieve.  And neither of us is willing to give that up.  If I am honest, I am afraid that if I dive too deeply back into that novel, I might remember where that tapestry is.  Anticipation.  

Saturday night was a double header.  (I crack myself up!)  Because Mr. Hopeful was more attentive than he has been in a long time, on line.  And seriously planning on our rescheduled date.  I actually believe it is going to happen this time.  I know he does, he's 'stocking up' on 'things we need'.  I anticipate my collection of toys and/or costumes is about to increase.  Experimental nature, so attracted.  So well met in temperament in this area, among many others, we are well matched.  Without a doubt he is the most sensual experience of my life.  I know that when I look at him, its a look of hunger.  I know others have seen that look too, but not before they touch me.  Anticipation.   

What's Best For Me

Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year.  I love costumes and I love to be able to dress up in whatever I want, go out, and not be looked at like a freak.  It's such a liberating feeling.  That brings me to the weekend in general, it was a very liberating weekend.  First up was last night.  I met some of my girlfriends at Yesterdays, dressed up in my best gypsy costume complete with gold brocade corset and skirts, with plenty of black lace and a top hat to pull it all off, I will post some pictures to my OH SNAPP! site later.  Was the usual drunken bash of people milling about in costume and hugs and kisses peppered with the 'It's been too long' and 'We should do this more often' comments that come with these events.  But nothing really eventful happened.  I did guess a costume that a chick had on, for a free drink, and shocked her when within maybe a couple of minutes when I came up with the answer.  Was a pun, so...well.  she had two $1.00 price tags in each ear.  And normal clothes on.  So I looked her up and down and finally said, "You're a Buck-An-Ear?"  and she said, "Holy shit!  She guessed it." and took me to her man who promptly bought me a drink. And while it may sound like I'm making a small deal about this night, it was a nice time, singing and dancing with my friends at my favorite bar.  I didn't run into any of my oldest friends, and sadly never seem to anymore.  But the newer ones are proving more able to keep up with me.  (What does that tell you?.....Don't make me say it, but YOU'RE OLD NOW.  For the Incarnations of Immortality, generation two, you know who you are.)

Next up was the night before, an old acquaintance's birthday.  I was surprised to be invited but accepted because I hadn't spent much time with this group in many years, and they are all more friends of ex-lovers or ex-friends than my friends, so I could only assume it was a "the more the merrier" or "you've been missed" option.  Both were fine with me and while I was hoping to see those ex-lovers and friends, and didn't, I was not disappointed by who I did meet.  Among the group was a very entertaining and fun man, we will call him Mr. Teaser Pony.  He spent the majority of the night flirting and buying me drinks at all the bars we followed the birthday boy to.  The birthday boy had a mission, to hit every bar in town, and of course since there are over 200 of them that was never going to happen.  I think we hit 7 or 8 before we were all at our standard closing bar, Yesterdays.

Now here is where the story gets very interesting, at Yesterdays, there was a man, in the corner who was devilishly handsome and kept catching my eye, and to make matters better he was wanting to catch my eye, and when the birthday party left me for one more dance at another bar and then home, I decided to stay and see what would happen with Mr. Charisma. Turns out he and I have a lot in common as far as hobbies and interests, he's a geek too, and that's probably a given hanging out at that bar.  He was witty, and a shameless flirt, like Mr. Teaser Pony only Mr. Charisma CAN close the deal.  LOL (boy can he close the deal!)
Long story short, I almost didn't go out on Saturday night (see above) because I was having a hard time walking.  I love it when I get exactly what I want in bed.  Without even asking or hinting or anything.  He was very good at picking up on my verbal cues and well, points for Mr. Charisma.  Now all we have to do is see if he is going to be a repeat performance or a one night only performance.  If I believe what he tells me it will happen again, and he did make first contact the next day....even came by the apartment to help me get laced up in my corset...such a thoughtful man. I have added him to my A-Team of Mr. Hopeful, Mr. Practical and That Guy, not because he has put in nearly enough time with me to warrant that, but because like the rest of the A-Team, he's otherwise compromised.

I know, I know...all my girlfriends just went from YAY...to GROAN....and believe me, if he were single my A-Team would still be just three and he would be his own team. But my A-Team will continue to be placeholders for my affections until a proper man comes my way, who is available both literally and emotionally...or until something happens to one of my A-Team to make them in this state.

And how likely is that to happen with any of them, you may ask? Well...in talking with them all about their marriages, because you know being a mistress is more than sex, you get to hear so much stuff that you really don't care about, but you find that they need to tell someone.  And you are the someone they trust.  I do like that part of it, the advice part.  And I do think I'm helping their marriages by fulfilling a role their wives do not, will not, or can not.  I know what you are thinking and in times of great depression I go there too, but not today.  These are men I first and foremost respect, and never want or will hurt.  I want them to be happy.  I don't really care if its with me or with their wives, but I can't stand seeing them unhappy, when I'm around to make them happy and maybe forget for awhile all the stress in their lives that are pulling them away from their chosen loves.  I really do feel like this with all of them, and would and will step aside when its over with no regrets or hard feelings.  Now is it the same depth for them all.  No.  My heart is swayed, so much more by one than the other three.  I think that might be two if one of them were in the same state as me, but I maybe confusing a great friendship with a great love there.  The other two are polar opposites in both attitude, longevity of knowing them, and the way they want me.

The only thing I can do is sit and smile, because if my A-Team is really just place holders for the next great love of my life, then this man is going to be phenomenal.  Because he will be a mixture of all four of them, and that will make him unforgettable.  And if I'm honest with myself I think one of them is already that guy, but of course he would not want to know that....or maybe he would....egos...doesn't matter, I'll never tell.  

So the lesson in this weeks blog is to get out there and experiment, find the qualities in a partner that you desire, trial and error, keep trying, and if you are like me and have a hard time throwing anything away, you might want to keep a few around until he or she walks into your life.  It's better, in my book, to have some fun, as long as no one gets hurt.

The Friends You Don't Know You Have

It's no secret that I've had a bad bout with the flu and a nasty fall cold, back to back the end of September and beginning of October; making it difficult to work a full week, and so my paychecks have been rather small.  Also, of course, my breaks on my car decided to go at this point, and with the way things work now a days; the mechanic that I trust would not fix my car with out payment up front.  Unfortunately they've been stiffed too many times to let people pay repairs off anymore, and I was forced to open a charge card there, that I can't afford.  I am catching up on bills but afraid that my current salary won't cover my current expenses.  And of course, the area where I'm cutting back on is food....hence why I was sick a lot, resistance down and all, well you know.  I'm not complaining, really, just setting the stage so you understand what I'm about to tell you next.

My daughter is in a musical (The Rocky Horror Picture Show) and while I probably shouldn't have afforded it, last weeks blog talked about how I went and how great she was.  My Trivia Team, The Rum Runners, wanted to come with, but couldn't opening night, so My Favorite Bartender took me to it again on Friday night with them.  Such a nice man, and I'm happy to call one of my 'kids'.  We danced the Time Warp on stage with my daughter and it was a wonderful evening and so much more fun to share it with others that love her.  These friends I knew I had.  But felt I should mention them again before I continue onto the ones I didn't know I had.

Last night started out with three options for fun, and Saturday night is my favorite night for fun.  One with Mr. Hopeful, which never seems to happen when I think it's going to, so I figured it wouldn't, and I was right.  Two was with That Guy maybe late after Pat, and that one didn't sit right with me either, although it was my second choice for fun with a friend.  And the third was Pat McCurdy.  I chose Pat.

I finally decided on a costume for Pat's Annual Halloween bash and I was all dressed up in my 80's costume with goth makeup for a Pat song.  This year's choice for me was "Those Were Not The Days"  hehe--got a lot of compliments on the outfit too!  Unfortunately the best ones and most tempting came from taken or married men.  Story of my life!  So I would flirt a little back, not seriously, but serious enough to let them know I was flattered, and chalked it up to bravery.  Married men/taken men are not afraid to talk to a sexy older woman, because they are taken.  I'm not even going to try and give you all nicknames at this point...you know who you are.  :D

It must have shown on my face and demeanor that I was 'concerned' about 'something'  because several people asked me if I was okay.  I have special Pat Family, and I had posted on one of their Facebook status that they should have a drink for me as I can not afford to attend this year.  That's right, money is so tight I couldn't even afford the $6.00 cover charge.  I just didn't want anyone to worry about me not being there, as I almost always make it.

I didn't do it expecting to get three separate offers from three of them to cover my cover charge and buy me a drink.  WOW.  I accepted the first of the three, not immediately, but as the day wore on and I started to realize that I should go. These tentative plans with other friends were not solid, no matter how much I wanted to see them both, and I should go and do something rather than sit here and be alone on a Saturday night.  So I accepted the first offer from...lets see, he doesn't have a nickname yet....I'll call him Mr. Know-It-Before-You.  (NOT mr. know-it-all...that's just mean and suggests he is wrong...which he might be sometimes, but so far, I've gotten correct and well thought out opinions from him).

Mr. Know-It-Before-You offered me to come to his place, meet his girlfriend, and he'd cover my cover charge and slip it to me so that no one knows.  What a nice man.  So I show up, and there are two other couples there, one hetero, one lesbian, not that that really matters, just setting the diversity stage of my friends. Anyway, it was a lot of fun, they had me sit down and eat supper with them...another surprise, and I liked them.  They were intelligent and opinionated and didn't shriek back in fear when my opinions didn't match them, just accepted it as a difference in people.  I miss that.  When Mr. Know-It-Before-You called me into the kitchen to slip me some money, he tried to give me much more than the $6.00 cover, and I foolishly said, "Oh no, I could never drink THAT much."  and he said, "No, how much do you need to get you through the week?"  I almost cried.  Which really would have ruined my makeup, so I held it together, and refused him, even though I knew I should have taken it.  Later I asked him if he was serious and he handed me more, saying not to worry about it.  Pay it forward.  Other than the $6.00 cover I kept every cent as I will need it to fill my car with gas to make it to work.  This is the type of kindness that I use to be able to do for my friends, and wish I could again, and am so thankful of his friendship.  And we aren't even close, we only met last year.  My friends even bought me drinks, or filled a glass from their pitchers for me as well.

Its the times like this, that really help you to understand who your real friends are.  The ones that are there for   you when the chips are down, not just when you are riding high.  I expect this kind of special attention from my close friends, or lovers, the ones that have lunch delivered to me when I'm sick or when they know I'm not eating, or just take me out to lunch to make sure I'm eating.  The ones that invite me over for a tarot reading, only to feed me too....sneaky bastards.  I love them.  But I guess I feel like that line from Streetcar, "I'm not use to the kindness of strangers."  For I feel like, except for Pat, we really don't have much else in common, or at least we don't know if we do.  And perhaps I should amend that with a yet.  Perhaps this is the beginning of a closer friendship.

The Pat McCurdy show was, as usual, just what I needed to lift my spirits. At intermission, I had Pat try to guess what song of his I was dressed up as, and when I told him he said, "I love that song!"  and then proceeded to play it the first song after intermission.  I don't know if he was always going to or not, since he hasn't played it in a while, but I have a feeling that my Pat Head Friends were trying to cheer me up, and maybe, just maybe that explains why I got some special attention from Pat in song.

He sang a verse of "I would pay to have sex with...(insert name here)"  and his on the spot rhyming was funny and accurate.  And not I'm not going to tell you my name, might be too easy to figure out what the sex rhyme was, and that's the price you pay for not coming to see Pat.  LOL And somehow I ended up holding his hand during Sex and Beer, and during that part of the song we are suppose to look to the person beside us and say all sorts of funny things.  If you are a constant reader of my blog, you might remember last year at Weinerfest when Brian and his super hot girlfriend, Araysa, became his super hot finance during this exact moment.  Well it was a show stopper, when Pat said, "look to the person beside you and say, "Kiss me you fool."  And I had been doing all my lines to Mr. Know-It-Before-You-Do, but not this one, as he had looked to his left, not to me.  All of a sudden I noticed it got very quiet for a finale of a rock show. One of those pauses on stage that seem longer than they really are.  So the actress in me slowly turns to my right, and Pat is looking at me, with hopeful, sad eyes that are purely acting, and I lost it.  I blushed and laughed and didn't kiss him.  So Mr. Know-It-Before-You-Do leaned in to kiss Pat.  Was a show stopper!  Of course it wasn't a real kiss, more like a quick peck.  But it saved the end of the show.

And I found with that ending, and all the other heartfelt inquiries into why I wasn't my usual upbeat self, that I knew these people, that I may only see once a month or so, really do care about me and like me.  We are a diverse group that might not have picked each other as friends if it weren't for our mutual love of Pat and his songs.  But I know now that it goes much deeper than that for some of us.  I'm glad that I was introduced to him and his music, even if the person that introduced me is not really someone I consider a friend anymore, just an acquaintance.  I think maybe that's why he briefly came back into my life a few years ago...to get me with this group of great people.

Note to self:  Do more with Pat Heads.

"It Came From Outer-Space... 'On Janet's Face'....

This week was busy with work and tech week for my daughter's play, The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I was/am so proud of her, and seeing her in her first on stage production where she is singing and dancing and in character.  She's not just a show choir kid anymore.  Welcome to the next step at Bard University.    And she was wonderful, as was most of the entire cast.  And I love the feeling I get seeing her up there, so exciting, such a rush of anticipation.  I finally have an inkling of what my mother must have felt when she would come to my shows.  How wonderful she thought they all were, and how much she wished she could have afforded to go to every performance.  That's how I feel.

I went to opening night, and was one of the only audience members yelling out at the appropriate or inappropriate places.  The audience participation for this play is very famous, and I was a bit disappointed that the opening night audience was so quiet.  Didn't stop me.  As my daughter was counting on someone to be brave enough to yell out.  It's funny, but its been so many years since I've seen it with a live audience, that I forgot half of the shit we use to scream at the movie screen back in the 80's.  I promised the narrator that I'd bone up for my next performance. And much to my pleasure and surprise, my daughter was incredibly proud of my comments on her fellow actors.

She shared with me this story:
"So during intermission, the boys (Riff and Frank) were commenting on how much they loved your comments, and then Magenta said, 'Some woman just flipped me off!'  and I said, 'Oh, yeah.  That was my mom.' and she said, 'Oh I HAVE to meet her.'  Then Riff said, 'She should get to come to every show for free just to yell at us.  It was great when she said, "Slaves!" before my Servants (line).'"

Kids today...they just don't remember the old school comments.  An audience member thought I was a plant, and came up to me after the show and said, "You were great, brought back a lot of memories, you even had a lighter."  and I smiled politely and suggested, "You should bring one when you come again, I'm just here to see my daughter."  And he grinned and said, "We will."  Was kinda cool the owner/director of the theater was standing right there and heard it.  Doubt it will get me comp tickets, but hey, you never know.

My trivia team, or a close part of them (4) are taking me with them on the 19th.  Very sweet of My Favorite Bartender to buy my ticket so I can go again.  And my son and his wife may be coming that night as well, which would be perfect.  I guess when I was told I was a 'proud mamma' last night that was the most honest badge to date.  I am.  And wear that badge proudly.  I wish you could all share this with me.  Second generation actress.  Her brother beat her to this in high school, when he was in a play, his one brief moment on stage,with his friend Star.  I remember feeling like this then too, but I knew for him, it was a one time thing, that he hadn't actually been bit by the theater bug.  Diana, however, I believe might have been.  If not bit, at least nipped.  When she comes home from rehearsals  and now performances, her stories are the stories of someone in love with The Theater.  And everything that goes into making a production work, even the things that drive you to drink.  This could be the beginning of something very fun to watch.  And I'm glad I was one of two she thanked in the program for the influence.   

There are so many people I want to share this experience with.  If you are near me and remember our friendship fondly, or if you're still close to me and want a new memory, please try to come to the show, and see our shy girl, that you watched grow up, find her voice.  Right in front of you!  Its magical.

What A Week!

I'm not really sure where to begin, the last week of Oktoberfest was a whirlwind of parties and commitments, Monday-Saturday I had something going on every night last week, from the usual weekly trivia team and a Pat McCurdy concert, to two birthdays (one my daughter's) and one wedding, (my son's).  SIDEBAR:  I was going to blog about how crazy insane and stupid it was for none of my kids dads to make it to their son's wedding, but I figured since they obviously don't care, why should I?

A busy busy week, with no time to even stop to catch my breath.  Such a week of changes it seems like everyone is making significant changes to their lives.  I'm not actually making any changes in my life, but everyone's changes are sure effecting my life.   (Cue Changes, by Bowie)

I feel like big changes are in the air, maybe it's just that fall is quickly spinning into winter here, no snow here yet but flurries north of here...only a matter of time, and once again, I do not feel ready for the winter, this year more than next, but while I am planning to snuggle in for a long winter, others are spreading their wings and trying new adventures in jobs, or locations, or living arrangements, some more than one of these.  Mr. Practical has even gone so far as to quit Facebook in an attempt to have more time to write or do the things he wants to do.  Which doesn't effect us, as we've not communicated on Facebook for over a year.  And still talk almost every day.  I've actually thought of giving Facebook up myself, but it is still the one place I can easily keep up with everyone, and not have to be afraid that I'm drifting from them.  And as sad as this is going to sound, I believe it's the wave of the future not a comment on my loneliness; but, most of my friends and social activities that happen, happen through Facebook.  And granted these are friends or lovers that are personal people in my life, that can actually arrange to meet me in person, I would hope if I disappeared off Facebook they would still call on the phone (does anyone do that anymore?) or text me what was up.....but I wonder.  People get so busy.  And for me and Mr. Hopeful it is the only form of communication, I'm obviously not going to give that up without and alternate.  And That Guy?  Well he always seems to find me, even when I don't want to be found, so for him I'm not all that concerned that we'd ever drift for long.

Normally all the changes in my loved ones lives would bring me to the edge of an un-lived and imagined future of dramatic forgone conclusions.  Mountains out of molehills....I'm good at making them, and sometimes in their creation I bring about the exact fearful future that I envision.  This is bad.  This is a very, very bad result and certainly, tragically, the one I'm trying to avoid.  But sometimes, when I can't control a situation.  Or I can't see an immediate solution to a problem I can see coming at me full tilt, I feel like I'm suddenly in a leaky kayak with a broken oar, approaching the Colorado River rapids.  But this morning, I don't.  I'm surprised by this new growth.  This new letting go of control, or rather letting go of the stress of the uncontrollable.  Its been changing in me slowing, with baby steps for the last two years, but this morning, I'm not paralyzed, or jealous, or anxious.  I'm actually relaxed, dreamy and hopeful.  This boosts my confidence and sensuality.  Which is very, very good.  And this is all due to communication.  The right communication.  Open, honest, and not hiding anything for fear of causing pain.  Pain is life, but pain only hurts if you let it.  It's trite, but attitude is everything, and I choose hope over regret.  Finally.

Oktoberfest 2012

Yep, its that time of year again, Oktoberfest one of the best things about fall.  You get to drink in the streets and everyone comes out to say "HI"  Its like a city sponsored block party.  I only wish it had an open bar.  It becomes more and more expensive every year and I'm a poor white woman.  So I have learned how to have a cheap to free Oktoberfest.  And it helps that it doesn't take a lot of stimulants to get me going.

My Oktoberfest, so far, ours is one of the biggest in the nation and lasts for 9 days or some such drunken nonsense.  Officially it kicks off on Friday at noon with the tapping of the golden keg...sounds like something out of a Billy Murray movie, but it's true. MY Oktoberfest kicked off Thursday with a quickly put together long lunch with Mr. Hopeful.  Excuse me for a minute while I sigh and remember his everything.

Yeah that actually took a lot longer in real time than it did for you.

Friday I worked all day, and at 5pm my Fest began.  My daughter, who will turn 24 on Wednesday, and is having a costume party at the local gay bar on Tuesday, is in a local theater production of The Rocky Horror Picture show.  For those of you that know the show she's playing the usherette and sings Science Fiction Double Feature.  I'm so proud.  Anyway, the cast was performing a preview at the Northside Fest grounds on Friday night, and of course I represented.  And of course she was wonderful.  I could actually hear her over the people and horrible sound system.  When she hit the stage I was so proud and my first thought upon seeing her in this costume was, "OMG she IS my daughter....Look at those LEGS!  Every guy that is my friend and not her dad or brother is going to say, pretty much the same thing, with a possible added, YES! and fist pump for the twenty to thirty year olds.

After I came home for a few and got my pre-downtown buzz on, texted a few girl friends and guy friends and told them where I was going to be.  Didn't tell any of the toys, but did tell the entire A Team, as I always do, just in case.  You love to have the A Team show up for a party.  And Mr. Hopeful was instrumental in convincing me I should go out alone and have fun.  Maybe I'll meet someone amazing.  And guess what?  I did.

It was a very strong recognition.  I've had them before and they always end up very important people in my life, and  in some form or another end up staying involved in my life, even if its long distance because of Life.  So I took the feeling serious.  She did too.  She is 37 (what is it with that generation and me?)  and looks like I imagine Cleopatra must have really looked....with that black hair that dreads so easily, and beautiful caramel colored skin that I will never have. (I'm peaches and cream with the sunburned picture on my profile to prove it) We tried and tried to come up with a connection of who we knew in this life that we could have met through.  And nothing.  NOTHING!  That in and of itself is strange, because I know a lot of people that function in a lot of different realms of society in this town.  Finally we decide it doesn't matter we have met now, and it must be 'past life intruding on present time'.  Thank you Ghostbusters.  While I could blog for hours on how similar our lives have been so far down to our childrens age difference and her husband being in a band, and her first childbirth experience and gender is very similar to mine, and my first one wasn't routine...we have the same birthday!  This was when the goose pimples started.  And we got each others sense of humor in the first three sentences of realizing we didn't know each other but knew each other.  THAT is also rare.  Very rare.

At one point in time by the bar, My Twin and her girlfriend were comparing the size of their tits...like you you....and knowing the A Team was not meeting me(although they are gonna wish they had when they read this), I dressed like a boy, with girly underthings...like you do.  They were not dressed like boys so they could compare by standing and adjusting their posture, I had to pull up my T-shirt to be able to show them they were outclassed.  They both said, "Right ON!"  Shortly after that we were hugging and realizing that we might have been twins in a past life....we just knew.  Something clicked inside both of us and as we hugged we both said, almost at the same time, "I've been looking for you for a long time." I can't wait to read her cards.  We also found out that we tend to adopt girl friends as sisters...lots of them....but none of them are quite right.  No offense, my little sisters, but this may be my twin.  We both have never called any of them twin, except when meeting others with our birthday, and calling them Corsican Twin.  After the Corsican Brothers (french novel or Cheech and Chong movie...take your pick).  But it's never had this feeling of 'right' and 'found' attached to it....except with BoBo and Death.  But they are boys...not twins.

We exchanged digits and they went on their way but came back in time for the shows.  Nimbus (my new favorite progressive rock instrumental band) and The Sweat Boys (wrote a song with the founding member of the band-who has a built in alias-Benny Sweat.  His wonderful wife....who shall be called Bette after her fabulous Bette Paige bangs...was there, and I love rare moments to bond with the wives of my male friends).  Anyway we all danced all night to each others bands and our song was a hit with Nimbus...even though it had words. ;)  I danced all night!  I haven't done that in so long that I was sore the next morning....of course some of that could have been due to Thursday --hehee....

Saturday after about 4 hours of sleep I was up and flirting on line with Mr. Hopeful....a beautiful weekly event....I headed downtown again, for the Oktoberfest Parade.  And it was a blast.  Ran into so many of my Pat Head friends!  And got so many hugs, I decided that it should be required for anyone who is depressed. The hugs alone will cure you!  Mr. Applefest gave the best one, picked me right off the ground and gave me a kiss on the cheek.  Now that's a hello!  I'll see you at Pat McCurdy on Thursday.  I can't wait, that will be the closing of my Oktoberfest, and I might be able to make my Parade girl friends house after for the Tourchlight Parade of Oktoberfest goes right past her house....or I might just hang with the Pat Heads...who knows.

I was and am happy that I could just flow with the chaos of no planning or very little planning for this weekend.  Not my normal comfort zone at all.  After all I am Fate and that Tapistery just don't get 'done'.  It takes a lot of planning.  Chaos is not my normal state, but I enjoyed myself so much that I might consider doing that again.

Cheers.

The Wrath

So for the last three months I have been battling with my hormones.  This is apparently completely normal for my 'time of life' and I'm entirely not happy with it.  But I move through the waves of paranoia, fear, doubt and guilt, that accompany my feelings of trust, confidence, calm, and innocence.  My emotions are continually changing in any given conversation like a spastic child turning on and off a light switch just to annoy his parents.  I'm getting pretty good at it, although I did have a melt down Friday and I commend any of my family and friends who are still talking to me.  Those of you that missed it consider yourself lucky that I was able to spare you the wrath and swift strike of my emotional judgment.  It ain't pretty, and I ain't proud of it.  But it's there.  And apparently it's going to be there until it stops.  And I hope that will be soon.  Time will tell.

WARNING:  If you don't like talking about sex stop reading now.  thanks

The raging hormones have become somewhat humorous as well.  I find myself attracted to all sorts of penis. Yes..that's right, just the penis...I find that except in the rare cases of Mr. Hopeful, Mr. Practical and That Guy, I'm not interested at all in who is attached to said penis.  Kind of like a 17 year old boy, who just sees boobs, and never really looks at your eyes...you know that guy.  Anyway...I've never been this woman.  Far from it.  In fact I usually don't even notice when a guy is interested in me.  To which any of you that have been out with me can attest.  I just don't care enough, unless you have the balls to actually talk to me, why should I notice?  Anyway...not anymore.  Now my head is on a lazy-susan, and just spins.

I know it's my biological clock saying, "Lets MOVE these eggs NOW!  MOVE! MOVE IT!"  Like a Marine Corps Drill Sargent getting the troops ready for the coming enemy.  While my body is demanding I procreate, my mind is saying.  "UH..NOPE.  Not happening."  And my mind wins every time.  Hands down. But it doesn't erase or stop the biology of it.  That wave of pent up emotions floods through my every day life and colors all I see with irrational fears.  I know it's what most of us experience on a daily basis and can control quite easily that irritating voice that tells us our doom.  Imagine that you can't control it. Imagine that the volume switch in your head that controls that is broken, and the voice just keeps on telling you how wrong you are in every decision you make, and how untrustworthy everyone you love is.  That's what it's like.  I know on an intellectual level what it is...but some days...my emotions win.

This got me thinking about how women of my age, and younger who are para-menopausal, go through these extreme life changes.   Some turn into cougars after years of happy marriage (or years of pretending to be happy).  Some become so uninterested in sex that their husbands throw up their hands in defeat and acquire said cougar for a mistress.  Or they may have their own male menopause which might have to be a blog next week...but mistress it is.  Some just cry all the time, which is so attractive...not.  And others are angry all the time, same attractiveness level.  I wonder if it's hormonal when a long time lesbian is all of a sudden attracted to a penis....hum....kind of gives credence to the old excuse of , "I don't KNOW what happened."  I've been trying to fight mine with humor.  And so far it is serving me well, however on really bad days I find my sarcastic tone to be almost unbearable even for me.

I also notice that the slightest change in a persons normal pattern immediately conjures up some deficit in me rather than in an emergency or technical difficulty or some other normal excuse for not spending time with me.  This is also not the woman I ever was.  I act like it's cool, but it so plays on all those fears and paranoia.     For example:  Is Mr. Hopeful not talking to me this morning because he all of a sudden is trying to break up with me?  Or is it because his internet is failing again and he might just be busy?  You see in this example how both voices are raging, and how I try to listen to the logical one, but the louder one usually wins...even if its just until the next persons change in pattern distracts me to them.  And then comes the WRATH.  All I can hear in my mind is Kevin Spacey's character (John Doe) in Seven saying to Brad Pitt's character (David Mills):  "Become wrath."  This makes me smile....my sense of humor is evil on occasion, and I think that helps.

I hold in the wrath no matter who it's directed to, until after months or weeks of swallowing that bile, I find that I can't hold it any longer and it comes exploding out on the person that deserves it.  I try not to have my exploding bile (sounds like a D&D monster...Mr. Practical can you work on that for your campaign? Thank you.) pile up on to any one person, or take something out on you that you don't deserve.  I have compartments for all of you, and I keep track of your bile meters.  I try to use the exhaust valve whenever I can talk myself out of this irrational emotional trend, and that works too.  Usually a well meaning friend talks me down from the cliff or pit I'm about to toss myself into.  And thankfully after the last three months and only one really serious melt down, I am happy to report that I think I'm getting use to this....

Well maybe not happy to report, but at least this means I'm trying to get a handle on this, and it is getting better from my point of view.  I hope it's getting better from yours.  However the one thing I can say for certain, is I have felt over the last three months, with all the disappointment and all the cancelled plans, and all the job ups and downs, that I've gotten stronger again.  And much less likely to fall into that pit.  I see it over there, but I didn't like being in it last November and December.  That sucked.  And the holidays are fast approaching....I don't want to be there again.  And my plan is to avoid it.  I'm trying to busy myself with people and activities.  I'm trying to ignore the pain of my loneliness and realize that while I may not have anyone lying next to me, at least I don't have anyone lying to me.

cheers
   

WOW

They say "Life is a journey" and boy are they correct.  Lately, well over the last  couple of months I've been spending a lot more time with one of my distractions.  That Guy.  Spending time with him makes not spending time with Mr. Hopeful bearable.  I don't know why this is so, but it is.  And before you say, eww, and imagine all sorts of things that aren't going on, let me say the relationships are very, very different.  I don't bring my "A Game to toys and friends, only lovers.  I love Mr. Hopeful, and as hopefully romantic as this sounds, he is the greatest love of my life.  I want too much from him. I know this, or maybe I don't want too much, but maybe he's the wrong guy to want it from.  This intelligence does nothing for my heart and doesn't change a thing, it only makes me sad to realize that, once again, I have put my love and adoration into the wrong man's hands.  Into a man who either doesn't have the time, or doesn't make the time to express what he says he feels about me.  He tries, it just always seems to fall apart.  I bet a lot of you can relate to this kind of life style.  Too much going on, too many irons in the fire, and never enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them...there's a song in there somewhere, but i forget the title...old song about loving your kids...Bobby, help me with this?

This is such a confusion to me, because I almost always go for what I want and damn the consequences.  Selfish?  Perhaps.  But it's my life, and as long as no one is getting hurt, why should I care what anyone else may think?  I'm not here to judge you and you aren't here to judge me.  

*****THIS BLOG HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY INTERRUPTED FOR UNSCHEDULED, BLISSFULLY ROMANTIC AND SPONTANEOUS SEX*****

If that offends you, stop reading my blog now.  I'll give you time to unfriend, unsubscribe, uncola, whatever you have to do.
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Where was I?  I can't remember.  All I see is his face, his smile...All I hear is his voice, his desires...It's still enough to see just how much he cares about us.  And every time I'm about ready to believe it's over, he proves me wrong.  Every time.  If that's not a connection, I don't know what one is.

Good morning. :)

All About The A Team....

Some of you may know from reading this blog that my Sunday morning ritual usually consists of me getting up early to read Post Secret with my coffee before posting and then getting on with my day...but my weekend has been a bit flipped on its end this week.  This morning I slept in, and was awakened, joyfully, by Mr. Hopeful with 'good morning' wishes.  I love it when he finds time to do this.  It sounds like such a small thing, but it is not.  It is huge to take time to say that, to express your heart and be open and vulnerable with someone you trust completely.  It makes up for the time we can't spend together that we both want and wish for.  I know this, and it makes me happy, but some days it also makes me regret all the chances I did not take with him, that I should have.  As my first husband would say, "Oh well."  (cue Fleetwood Mac)

So, my usual morning ritual is now taking place almost two hours later than it should.  While reading Post Secret today, there were a couple of ones about regret that stuck with me, the first was, "I'll never regret anything more than the chances I didn't take with you."  That one I've already expressed how hard it hit, and who it reminded me of, the other one, "I walked away.  Reconsidered.  Walked back to kiss you.  Whatever that meant.  You were already on the plane."  WOW...that one snapped me all the way back to Mr. Practical.  And a vacation two springs ago that I had such a difficult time coming home from.  In fact, That Guy threatened, "Don't make me come out there and bring you back."  Is funner now than it was then.  I regret getting on that plane, and leaving Mr. Practical.  Almost as much as I regret all the missed opportunities with Mr. Hopeful.  At least That Guy is a good enough friend to keep me distracted from all my self made drama.

You know that's the real kicker isn't?  All of this regret is something I've allowed to happen in my life.  Now here is where all you arm chair psychiatrists are going to weigh in with the 'why's' and the psycho-babble of what that means.  And it means nothing really.  The reason I have drama in my life is not because I want drama.  It's because I'm still alive and want to live my life and love.  And love is always a risk.  Always full of drama.  Because you can't love someone completely, and not make yourself vulnerable to the possibility that you will be hurt...or that you will hurt them.

And here's the next bit.  Am I hurt?  No, not really.  Not unless I allow myself to dwell on things from the past that I can't change.  Not unless I fall too deeply in a fantasy world of what I think I have with them as compared to what I have with them.  Not unless I want too much.  I might have to group my distractions into two different catagories...The A Team and the Benched Toys.  LOL....Speaking of benched toys, Mr. Confident and Crisis are nowhere to be seen and I haven't heard from either in months, again.  I like to make bets with myself as to how long it will take them to miss me enough to text me.  Crisis, I never expect to see again, and while I'll be nice if I do, I really think I'll pretend not to see him if I do.  And Mr. Confident, well, he's so confident..I expect that  in a couple more months he'll, out of the blue, contact me.  I plan to be washing my hair that night.  The A Team I am much more interested in spending time with, and find myself dropping things to do so.  This is not a problem for me.  I like having plans.  But you know the A Team...always on the move fighting crime....so it's exciting to spontaneously try to meet.  Keeps it special.  Keeps it necessary.  Makes me feel like I'm missed so much, that they just had to plan something to see me, or hope to catch me.

What I don't like, is the feeling that I'm always second in their plans.  I know this isn't always true, I know sometimes I AM the plan.  LOL....but....can you blame me for wanting more?  Can you blame me for deserving just one of them full time?  Or maybe a weekly night....something to look forward to....a planned time together.  See this is the wanting too much part...

And so I stumble along, collecting more and more applications for The A Team...or the Toy Chest...or...perhaps someday soon....I might actually meet the Coach...wouldn't that be the REAL kicker...
To meet a man, that has me so smitten, that I'd give the Toy Chest to Goodwill...and my fond farewells to The A Team?  The funny thing about the A Team, is they all individually believe that I would never stop seeing them.  That even if I found the Coach, and was happy and in a committed relationship, I'd still go out and party with them, or meet them on line...'just to chat'  or ....well you get the idea.  And you know what?  They may be right.  Over the last two years I have become quite connected to them.  Maybe too much...maybe not.  The only thing I know for sure, is that I'm much happier living this life than I ever was married.  As difficult as the logistics are...I find myself stronger and more confident with them in my lives then I did without them.  And for that, I will always be thankful for my A Team.....

.....maybe I should be the Coach.....
now I'm just thinking naughty....better stop while I'm ahead.

Cheers. :)

Learning To Love Yourself

People think they do this all the time.  They think they are loving themselves but few really understand that to truly love yourself you need to be selfish.  That's right, selfish.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't be there when a loved one needs you or listen to a dear friend when they have a problem, but you need to remember that you are the most important person in any equation.  In any relationship, your needs must be filled first in order to truly give to another person.

Here is an example that might make it clear.  You know how great a mother's, (father's) love is, right?  You already know that a parent will give up their own life to save their children.  However, the parent must be alive to do this.  This is why on airplanes they instruct that you secure the oxygen mask on your own mouth before attempting to save your child.  If you don't guess what happens....you both die.  Selfish first, wins that battle.  And that is the lesson in all of life.

You must think of your own needs and how to fulfill them first before you can be truly happy in life.  If you don't you are a constant giver, and caretaker, and that is exhausting.  And while you think you are doing the right thing, you are not, because your loved ones needs become a chore, instead of the joy it is suppose to be.

That's right joy.  When someone you care about, or love or whatever you want to call it, needs you, that's an honor.  They want to spend part of their lives with you.  Be it an hour or a lifetime.  Remember that.  No one has to say yes to your invitations or even your basic needs, unless they want to.  We all have freewill.  And we use it....every day of our lives, even if we don't want to admit it, we do.  We spend time with the people we want to, we live the life we choose, or we wouldn't live it.

So if you are unhappy it is your own fault.  Your own choice.  You choose to be unhappy.  I believe many depressed people suffer from this simple fact, that they are afraid or paralyzed or trapped into any other choice, or feel they are.  Of course some depression is chemical, but most is not.  Most is an inability to be selfish, and live the lives we dream of.  I use to think that being selfish was wrong, now I know all acts are selfish ones, we just don't choose to look at them that way because of society.  Society is wrong most of the time.  And what society deems as appropriate or good is often the opposite when really looked at under an intelligent and experienced eye.  I for one have always been skeptical of the sheep that follow along blindly to any leader, I've always been one to question from the fringes.  And I am much happier marching to my own drummer and singing my own tune.....

.....then again, I'm selfish.

Cheers

That Drifting Feeling

Don't you hate it when you can feel that you are losing track of someone, that someone is drifting from your life, and you can't do a thing about it?  You know what I'm talking about too, I know you do.  That nagging feeling that cramps your gut in knots, and forces your eyebrows together in a frown of concern.  You know all the emotions by heart and in order that are going to hit, but you don't care, you keep going.  You keep caring, you keep showing up because it's all you can do.  Even though you know you're going to be disappointed again.  Even though you know that disappointment is what they do best.  I've got a particular group of friends that this description fits to a tee.  They were a close knit group,  however time and fate split them up, and now the factions are distant acquaintances at best and suspicious nemesis at worst.  It has always been a fascinating group to watch and be involved in, although I learned years ago not to invest any real feelings with them, as they tend to disappoint me every time I try.  This is not the first group of long term friends I've watched decompose.  And I bet you are the same way.  I just bet you never looked at it this way before.   But think back to your best friends in high school.  I bet they aren't your best friends anymore, are they?  Bet you might not even know where they are anymore.  And if you do know them today, I bet they are closer to Facebook friends than real friends.

Don't get me started on electronic friends/lovers, or any of that shit.  Yes I know I'm backdated...I should be, I'm not a kid anymore, and you will be too, no matter who you are or how current you try to stay.  I know that electronic communication is not only the future but the fucking present.  And while I've been able to assimilate with the best of them, better than most my generation, I still miss daily hanging out, chilling, partying, listening to music, gaming cruising, bon fires, camping, socializing in all the ways that made the weekends more fun....IN PERSON.  I don't understand how or why this electronic replacement took over.  Not really.  It's not a very good replacement for genuine face to face, hand to hand combat, as it were.  Did I say combat?  I meant communication.  hehehe....or did I.  You know that is harder electronically as well, a good debate turns into trolling, or hating on line.  You know why?  You can't see their face, hear their tone or really know if what they are saying to you is real with real feeling attached.  You know why it bothers you?  Because then when you have a great conversation on line, say even a sexual one....you project.  You project your emotions on top of what you are reading, and you 'hear' in your head what you want to hear.  You give up the physical and emotional back up of having this person in front of you and seeing their eyes, smile, body language to back up your intellectual input of the exchange of information.

Why do we do this?  It's not more efficient, it's just the opposite.  Are we really this rushed and this pressed for time in our lives that we have no more time for each other?  For some of our favorite people beyond our immediate family.  And if you are communicating very deep and personal information between family members on Facebook, like happy anniversary wishes, or airing your dirty laundry...having actual fights on line for everyone to see....well, that's just so dysfunctional I don't even have to comment.  I'm all for a tender reminder but make sure that's not your only form of communication.  We have developed into a society of people that only communicate electronically, and then in the same breath diss that form of communication as not really mattering....

I beg your pardon.  You can't have it both ways.  Either electronic communication is important enough to be used as the replacement for a business letter, or phone call, or it's just a social network for bored/busy people to somehow feel still connected to humanity.  I believe IT IS both, but by believing that I have to feel that Facebook and other social networks are more important than some give them credit for.  That you can't just chalk it up to being on Facebook and not counting or mattering.  An electronic relationship, now a days, is as real as a physical one.  In fact a lot of physical ones start out electronic.  Think about that the next time you try to say that "it doesn't matter because it's a Facebook friend."

And if you have a very active on line life, you understand how important electronic communication, or lack there of is.  As much as I have realized and jumped on this electronic highway two decades ago, it still is no match for personal, physical, face to face communication.  And if I didn't think I'd lose track completely of my decomposing groups of friends both past and present, I'd give it all up tomorrow.  So if you are close enough in physical proximity to arrange a face to face, perhaps you should.  You just never know when my face might not be on this plane of existence anymore.  Don't take for granted that you will always have time, because if there is one thing my life has taught me with people, is that you never get enough time with the ones you really love.

Cheers