Sunday, November 27, 2011

Whose Birthday?!

Earlier this week, I was invited to my ex's birthday party. Yikes right? Your mind immediately jumps to all sorts of conclusions, and your brain is suddenly flooded with questions. The most important being, WHAT the fuck am I going to wear?!

You know you want to look hot, so he knows what he can't have anymore. BUT you want to make sure you don't send any mixed messages, like: "See these legs? Remember these legs? You can't have these legs!"
 It's a very hard line to walk, and I tried on several things before making up my mind on the perfect blend of normal me going out, and memories.   (this is rule #1 in 'Seeing Your EX After Many Years'--Dress The Part--I should write that...-Editor, make a note, I know you're reading this)

 I'm not sure what I expected. But I'm happy with the way it turned out. No uncomfortable moments, and why would there be, we moved on years ago, right?  But the writer in me just couldn't resist the possibility of this night having the makings of great scene material  I mean really?  Come on!  Those of you that knew us together, we were like magnets.  Both attracting and repelling in equal forces, depending on our personal positions.  Two individuals, compelled....I knew it would be an interesting evening, and I'm never one to shy away from anything that seems interesting or spikes my curiosity.  I even brought along a small silk bound blank book and a red pen to take down notes or any great dialogue.(Rule #2-- Always Look Busy.  Keeps you from appearing nervous or anxious)

When my sidekick saw me with my reading glasses on and my notebook, he quipped the quote of the night, "What are you a librarian now?"  The look I responded to him with must have been my naughty librarian look, because he laughed before I could comment.  This came after my kids left.  My kids coming were both a surprise for him, and mostly an escape route for me. (Rule number #3--  Always Have A Plan B --when invited to any event with your ex involved).

I was quieter then normal....not the butterfly, pretty much stayed in my seat and let the party come to me.  Was too engrossed in watching people.  Some I hadn't seen in many, many years and they looked the same.  Amazing.  Others I had seen but never speak to, and that also hasn't changed.  And one, I see only at birthdays like this, and we barely acknowledge each others existence....barely.  Like gunslingers, we nod and keep each other in our sights, because we don't trust each other at all.  And of course this one is my ex's best friend.(Rule #4--Know The Territory Before Going, RECON)

I was kind of hoping to see my little brothers, and some of the old gaming group....and frankly I was surprised that none of them came....I then wondered if they had been invited....I then started to think that maybe I should try to be more friendly to my ex....perhaps he is going through what we all start to go through in our late 30's....the sudden disappearance of old friends because life is too busy to fit everyone in that you want to see.  That realization I hadn't expected, and it made his invitation to me, this year, of all years, very important.  Perhaps he was trying to let me know that he hoped I would not disappear. (Rule #5--The Voices In Your Head Will Try To Confuse You, Ignore Them.)
(Rule #6 His Friends May Try To Confuse You, Ignore Them.)

That is where I got the nerve to bypass his gunslinger friend and walk right up to my friend and engage him in some more personal one on one.  And after all it was my turn, he had approached us several times during the night, and I safely stayed put.(Rule #7--Play Fair)

We actually got a few minutes alone while on a smoking break, I was surprised the gunslinger didn't follow him....he sees everything.  And from a pretty normal night, with not much scene potential, that moment with him, made the rest of the night, the scene. (Rule #8--Keep It Real. This Is Not A Fantasy.)

I guess it's true that real friendship never dies, and real friends can pick up years later, like nothing changed.  It's nice to know that we are truly friends now, after such a bad break up all those years ago...
I guess my lesson for you is this, if you can truly forgive in your heart and move on with your life, you won't have the drama that you see in others lives, and when your ex invites you to a party, you'll know you can go with no regrets and to have a good time, instead of worrying about what to wear.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Letting Him Go With A Love That Is Eternal

Last Sunday I talked in anticipation of smudging my apartment with sage, and casting a spell with music to force me to feel, and let go, and then bless my space.  This sound so strange to me, even as I'm typing it. But it was fun, and interesting and I was able to experience all of my anger, memories, hurt, love, and release the negative emotions that blind you when you have to leave someone you love.  This is such a good exercise, and part of what She Who Wears Little Combat Boots, would refer to as shedding, or to shed.  Most of you follow me on facebook and will no doubt have seen status of mine that reference this 'shed' or 'time to shed'.  And it's the part of the healing process that usually takes the most time, the part that your friends and family will say, 'Hang on, it gets better.'  And they are right, of course, it does get better.  But sometimes we find ourselves in a place where we can't see that it will get better, and we need a push.  This ritual was my push, and it opened my heart and mind up to the possibilities of just letting him go with love.  And now that I have done it I realize just how difficult it truly is to let someone really go, with love.  In the past I've let many men go, but all of them with some kind of regret attached, or anger, or jealousy, or even pity....but never really with love.  I think the closest I came to this was the one right before this one, so maybe I'm getting better as I get older in forgiving....I don't know....but forgiveness is the largest part of it.  And it's not what you's not about forgiving's about forgiving yourself.

See that's the hard part and that's the part that really seals the deal.  You forgive them quicker than you think you do.  The minute you care what they are doing or feeling, you are forgiving....or you wouldn't care.  Even if it hurts because they have left you.  You can still be angry as you are forgiving, but you do that first.

Really forgiving yourself for the mistake.  The little voices in your head that prod you by saying, 'I can't believe I fell for this guy again.' or 'How could I trust him again?' or 'Did I really just fuck myself over again....when will I learn?.' or the worst one, 'Why am I not good enough?  Why didn't he choose me?'  (I hate that voice.)
When you get to this part you can really let him go with love, because you are forgiving yourself and finally in a calm, positive place.

And once you are there, the universe opens up.  You start living your life instead of his.  You start to surround yourself with people you enjoy, because guess what, they are happy and living life too.  You start to realize that you have so much to give, so you get out and start giving.  And once your heart opens up to give, it will surprise you how many people you meet that want to give back to you.  My example is this weekend.  Only one short week after I performed this ritual to cleanse my mind and spirit, I was out with my friends for a weekend of Pat McCurdy concerts.  Friday night at a local establishment, and Saturday night we took a 3 hour road trip to a neighboring state.  Friday night the universe opened up and dropped a surprise right in my lap.  Several offers, and one I accepted, and it was a beautiful experience.  Fortunately I was in the right space to accept, because I was open and loving myself.  And what they say is true, you cannot love anyone else if you do not love yourself first.  Love has many faces, and right now I know I'm not in love with anyone....well, except maybe myself.  And perhaps this is exactly what I have needed all along.  

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Smudging with Sage Sunday

"So, I'm back to the velvet underground, back to the floor, that I love.  To a room, with some lace and paper flowers, back to the gypsy....that I the gypsy, that I was...."--Stevie Nicks

This will be the second spell I've cast in as many weeks.  I am armed with all the components I need, some very personal souvenirs, some well chosen music from a spell caster much more advanced that I am, and sage bundle for the smudging ceremony, and some wine.  The first spell I cast was for my well being, and I was told, by my teacher that it is a banishment spell.  I was skeptical at first, but as a lover of all things mystical, and curious by nature, I took the cd from her and found myself listening to it much more than once.  I felt weight being lifted as a result, and my belief of the power of music to heal, was renewed.  The banishment spell made things more difficult between me and the person that I was trying to love but, was complicated....but that was also to be expected.

This next spell that I will be casting this evening is one for healing.  And since things are broken and done between us, and it appears to me there will be no way to mend this bridge, I'll just walk away from the burning edges of it.  Giving one more fond glance at the other side, and remembering to look down at the yawning chasm between us.  (Man, that is a LONG way down....I don't want to fall).  The spell is a very old one with our Native Americans.  I'll be smudging myself and my rooms with sage to fill in the dark holes of my spirit and get rid of all the negative energy that this experience has left me with.  Thus enabling me to move on with a wiser and more loving attitude toward all.  And while I understand that this is not a gypsy ritual....the gypsy in me seems very at home with this:  Here is a link for you, in case you are wondering what it entails.
Let me also give you some advice, in case you are in the same situation I was.  It's too late for me, but it may not be for you:

Okay, so your heart is broken and you don't want it to end, even though you know he's no good and he treats you like shit....YOU love him and YOU can change him, save him or (insert your hopeless romantic plan here. (shakes head at you with much empathy....)

First of all take a deep breath....This is the beginning of 'crazy girl brain'.  I know you don't think it is, but it is.  You think this is the beginning of the great plan that will win him back....STOP...STOP right there, you are wrong.  If your heart is broken, and he is trying to leave you, and you won't let him, or see it because YOU aren't done....STOP....and I mean this, even though it will be the most difficult thing you have ever done.  Block him on your facebook, send his email address to your spam folder, delete his phone number from your phone, erase any way to contact him.  TRUST me on this.  Its for your own good.  If you are tempted to contact him, make it so you can't.  And this is why.  You will try, and you will do it several times a day.  Because you want to believe that somehow your messages are getting lost or that he's too busy to read them.

I've got news for you 'sunshine'....this is not what you expected to see....'  Your messages are NOT getting lost in the dark corners of the world wide web...your texts are being read, your e-mails are being ignored, and your constant messages weather on his voice mail or instant messaging, are getting through.....he's just not that into you.
I know....there, there....
I know....
That part is hard to admit, but it's true.  If he loves you, and wants to be with you, I don't care how busy he is, he will find a way.  Trust me on this one too...its true.  When you constantly try to get in touch or chase him, it makes you not only sound like a 12 year old, BUT you are actually undermining your chances with said dude.  Who wants to be with someone that clingy?  Who wants to be with someone who is that insecure....that damaged?
I know....
I know....
That's the second hard  part to admit.  Isn't?  See, you may WANT to blame him for your 'crazy girl brain' but in reality, it's all you.  It's all about what he's not showing you or giving you that you need, and so you become this monster, that you are not.  THIS is actually a good thing, if you are paying attention.  THIS is showing you that HE is NOT the right man for you.  Think about that for a minute.  Really think...I'll wait.
You see what you are doing with your endless attempts at communication?  You are trying to make him into someone he will never be, so that you can be happy with your fantasy of love, instead of going out and finding the real deal.  Why would you want to do that?  TOO much work.  Love is easy.  Love hits you like a thunderbolt, and believe me, it takes no work at all.  It just is.  If you find yourself using any of the following words to describe your current relationship, please run from it:  'it's complicated', 'it's difficult', 'he's (she's) unavailable...for now'....

If you are in love with someone, and want them to be a part of your life, you have time for them, you make time for them, no matter what.  You can't help yourself, right?  You want to share as much as you can with them, right?  Well guess does everyone else.  He's not too busy...he just doesn't love you enough.

Don't fall for the con, or the sob story of 'she doesn't understand me', or 'we use to be happy...but now....'  let me tell you something about this, you will not help this person become happy until they are happy with themselves. This is the one you should run from the fastest. This is the one that will lead you down a fairy tale path that will never become a happy ending, it will only end badly.  And you will have lost everything that you found with this person, leaving you both, regretful, sad, and sorry.  I hate those emotions, and don't have room for them in my life.  Remember, you were happy before you met, you will be happy again.  You just have to want to be.  Like me.  You have to be in control of your attitude.  Remember no one can make you feel bad about yourself or hurt, unless you let them.

Hugs to you all.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Wonders of Hackers!

So, my old blog Oh Snap! is still out there, but I can't log into it, because the e-mail I used to write it was hacked, and not recoverable.  So I had to start a new one with my new e-mail.  I'm hoping that I don't lose you all....well the international followers I might lose, but I'll post the new link on fb, and hopefully you'll all be able to follow the new blog. 

What a week.  I've gotten to the point in my romantic life where I've decided that I don't have one. I have a fantasy, a dream, a wish, but I don't have a life.  He has a life without me in it, and it rips me apart that I can't be a part of it.  As wonderful as it was when we could see other, it was not as great as it could have been.  Our lives are moving in different directions and we can't get them together.  And, we're not getting any younger....So, its time to move on.  At least this time I don't feel like the decision has been made for me.  He's pushing me away for my own good, and I need time to get over him.  I hope we can remain friends, but its difficult for me to admit that this is a mistake.  That loving him is bad for me. 

In life you have to make the mistakes to learn, and over the past two years I've made basically the same mistake twice.  I could bore you with the details, and give you explanations as to why I felt justified that I could trust their feelings, but I won't.  Suffice it to say that no matter how much you love someone, sometimes love is not enough.  My timing sucks.  Always has and always will. 

I spent yesterday getting ready and looking forward to an exciting event that never took place, and then I got my nose bent out of shape over a stupid argument.  I blocked him, he de-friended me....blah, blah, blah....very high school, not who we are.  We are both running simultaneously away from each other and toward each other.  I can't handle the roller coaster of his life, or his emotions.  He brings out the crazy girl brain in me, and I hate that.  So I'm going to welcome the fact that he's pushed me away, and get over him.  Move on until a time when he might be more available. 

I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know this.  I can't live like this anymore.