Sunday, March 30, 2014

Dreams-When The Rain Washes You Clean You'll Know

Since I've moved to Chicago I've been having the most interesting and sexually explicit dreams of Mr. Hopeful.  Like when we were together and the most happy.  That hasn't happened in a few years, and I welcome them.  They don't make me sad when I wake from them, which they used to.  I feel they made me sad because I loved him so much and couldn't have him.  Now if you read this blog every Sunday,  you know I don't believe real love ever dies, it changes and grows and matures and sometimes it smolders waiting to be rekindled.  But it doesn't die.  Not true love.

I'm haunted by something he recently said to me about loving me and how confusing it is, how he can't explain it either.  And that's what is on my mind on this sunny Sunday morning.  True love.  Explain it.  You can't, can you?  If you had to, really had to explain it to me, why you love someone the way you do, you wouldn't be able to do much but smile.  And the smile says it all.

You love someone because of who they are and who you are.  You click.  Or if you prefer you baggage goes well with theirs.   I always felt like Mr. Hopeful got me, without having to explain much.  Maybe I'm romanticizing us, but I still feel like he gets me.

I'd tell you about it, but much like Stevie Nicks, "I keep my visions to myself".  And as tempted as I am to write it all out here, I want to hurt no one.  Love is not about winning.  Its about loving and thinking of someone else's happiness over your own.  I know what makes him happy and it's not with me.  But that doesn't change how I feel about him.

The only difference between now and then is knowing that my heart doesn't have to change.  I blame getting help and my meds for this change in perception.  I'm not depressed without him, my anxiety is way down now that I'm doing something I love for a living, and not trying to change for Mr. Charisma or anyone for that matter.  I feel more like myself then I have in a long time.  And yet I find myself very tentative around men.  Very willing to be submissive.  Which is definitely a hold over from the forced abuse of my childhood, as are my abandonment issues.  They all leave in the end, so I leave first.  But see, it's not about running from a fate you think is looming on the horizon.  Its about loving yourself and knowing you can handle anything that the universe throws at you.  THAT is what love is about, and how you can love others, by starting with yourself.

In my dream, Mr. Hopeful told me he would always love me no matter what.  Its funny, but I feel like that was almost me telling myself I'd always love me no matter what.  And maybe I am starting to finally forgive myself for the things that were never my fault that I carried around with me.  Maybe thats part of why I'm not angry anymore.  Not surrounded by a cloud of anger, as BoBo mentioned when last we saw each other.

I wish I felt more confident around the opposite sex, like I used to.  Really confident not a flirty and fun act.  I think when I am, I will know I'm ready to move on romantically, but until then, I'm happy with the fondness of Mr. Hopeful.  And will always remember him with love.  And hope that someday he will turn around and see me, smiling at him.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Ginger Snap Turns Seven

I can't believe I'm not more tired today, after 11 seven year olds at Ginger Snap's birthday party.  I only took 370 pictures, so I must not have had much fun.  LOL  If you know me in real life I suggest you get over to my Facebook and check out his birthday pictures.  It will show you all the fun, games and of course cake and presents.  Boy did this kid get a ton of presents from his friends.  His Father made it from Iowa and brought presents from that side of the family too, and some of his relatives showed up.  The adults and parents put our total up to 24 but it seemed like we were greatly out numbered by kids, even though we weren't.  Funny how running and screaming and playing children can seem like a swarm, when there really weren't that many.  It gave me a new understanding of what his teacher must go through, she has 30 in her class.  wow.

Ginger Snap stayed at the hotel with his Father last night but they will be here soon for our presents, since today is the actual birthday.  I can hardly believe he was born seven years ago.  It seems like Second Daughter left for New York just two years ago, and that was five.  Can time really have flown by me so quickly?

Being here makes me realize just how much of my life I have left slide by in doing jobs I hated and being so tired and depressed from disappointment upon disappointment.  For the first time since my kids were both home, my mom was still alive, and I was dating this nice guy,  I feel happy.  Really happy and needed in my life and satisfied with where I am and who I'm becoming.  I feel very much like I did four years ago when Mr. Practical woke up my desires to be loved again, after so many years of being single.  But much more content because this change is all internal.  I have come here by a very rocky road, and made some very bad decisions along the way.  However, I regret none of them because they all made me smile, and you should never regret a decision that brought you happiness.  Even if it didn't last, because the secret to life is that happiness doesn't last.  The good news is that neither does sadness or depression.  You can help yourself out of it.  Sometimes pills help, my meds are doing a good job and I must confess I'm down to only one prescription now, I keep the other handy for a panic attack or 11 seven year olds.  LOL  but for the most part I'm down to just the prozac for the depression.  I will slowly start to wean myself off it once I'm on my last prescription, IF I, and my family, feel that my changes are for the better.

Communication is the hardest thing when you are depressed, and it's the thing you need the most.  Crazy but it's true.  And the family members that watch you spiral downward into your head...being too much inside your own head and not a part of the world anymore, are helpless to communicate with you.  It's not because they don't see or don't understand or don't care what is happening, its just that they may have never 'been there' and don't have any experience for what you are actually feeling.  The negative self talk that keeps you up at night, the low self esteem that keeps you down when you are awake, and the real belief that you will never be happy again, is so isolating.  You can be surrounded by people you love, as I was and am, and still feel lonely and alone.

If you feel like this now, and were like me in December, feeling close to checking out, DON'T DO IT!  (my old trivia team will appreciate this reference)  If you feel alone, stop, breathe, and really look around you and understand that you are not alone.  You have never been all alone, and never will be, because you always have YOU.  And part of depression is not liking yourself, not wanting to be with you.  But you see you can't run from that.  You can't numb that with drugs.  You can't push that away like a bad relationship.  If you can't enjoy your own company you can never find any happiness with others.  Remember at one time in your life, maybe when you were seven, like Ginger Snap, you were happy, bouncing, full of joy and love for everyone in the world because no one had really hurt you yet.  No one had really let you down.....let me rephrase hadn't made the choice to let anyone hurt you or let you down.  You were still letting your parents make those choices for you.  Remember how carefree you were as a child?  Remember how loving?  How trusting?  Be that again!  See the world as a child sees the world, with all the magic in tact.  Don't grow up too much, and you will find your happy again.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

Jedi Training Continues

I am re-introducing Ginger Snap to the Star Wars movies, since the last time he saw them he was five and he's getting some pretty cool Star Wars toys for his seventh birthday, (starting this weekend with a visit from one of his grandma's, and continuing next weekend with his birthday party and my secret present the first season of the Clone Wars and the movie that started it)  So with that in mind I started him on The Phantom Menace yesterday after grandma left, and he loved it.  He was so happy this morning that he dreamed about Star Wars last night.  And after breakfast we are going to continue with Attack of The Clones.  Now his new Anakin Skywalker doll that changes into Darth Vader complete with changing movie lines from both characters AND a light saber that also transforms from blue to red with the costume change, is making more sense to him.  SO since I'm a Star Wars fanatic, this weeks blog is being preempted by one of my favorite things.....getting another little boy hooked on one of my favorite sci-fi universes.  When he's a little bit older, Star Trek, Dr. Who and the Twilight Zone.  Let the Jedi Training begin.....again.


Sunday, March 9, 2014

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Yesterday Google said it was International Women's Day.  Never heard of that one, but as a woman, I took advantage of it.  Yesterday, Second Daughter and I rode the train to The Loop and downtown Chicago.  My first time there as a resident, just shopping.  We were on an errand to find her waterproof boots and some clothes, so it wasn't window shopping, but real hunting shopping.  She knew exactly where she wanted to go and we hit both stores, with a side trip for me to the gourmet popcorn shop.  Yummy.  I feel more like a resident and not still a visitor now that I've had the Chicago mix.  LOL,  I like the caramel better than the cheese, and, yes I did eat them both together like a native.  We didn't find her boots at DSW but we did find some clothes at Old Navy (three stories of clothes!)  I enjoyed seeing all the big shiny buildings.  I guess First Daughter and I will always have this in common.  I took several pictures, most from the train,  and posted them for her.

I miss my hangout time with First Daughter, and so while I was downloading a couple of episodes of Hannibal, I texted her and suggested that maybe we could watch Scandal together after I was done catching up on Hannibal.  And to my surprise she said that she would watch them both with me.  So we did.  Yelling at the screen, via text, to each other, made her feel closer to me.  And I enjoyed the shows so much more with her presence.  It felt like home.  And made my sadness of missing her evaporate.  I'm looking forward to gaming this afternoon via google hangouts with all my kids and gaming friends tonight.  I miss their faces.

Settling in here has been very smooth.  I'm starting to feel more mobile with the mass transportation, and wonder why I even have a car.  Although it comes in handy when grocery shopping, or buying lots of stuff.  But I can see how I could survive here without a car. And I am looking forward to that time.  Although it is the gypsy in my soul that is happy I can fit all my personal belongings into it, right now.

My dreams are stressful, but peppered with celebrities so still make me smile in the morning, sometimes even laugh.  When I look up the meanings, I realize that I still need to have that series of difficult conversations with myself regarding Mr. Hopeful.  And I am hoping to chat with him soon, but I'm not holding my breath.  I feel very cut off from him now, but I felt very cut off from him during my year with Mr. Charisma, so nothing has really changed.  Except my heart.  The ability to move on and actually leave my home must mean that I'm close to being done with him.  At least that's what I tell myself.  And if I have to convince myself of something then it's probably bullshit.

How can you miss someone you don't have?  How can you love someone that doesn't love you back? Isn't that really just in love with the idea of love?  I'm just not sure, but I used to feel that you can't love someone that doesn't love you.  Now I feel that it doesn't really matter what the other person doesn't change my heart.  They say, 'time heals all wounds', but I'm not so sure about that either.  I think now, that time just makes you forget.  Or go a little numb with the absence of the other heart you love.  But that it can be rekindled in a moment, with a kiss.  I'm such a hopeful romantic.  Probably if the truth were known, more hopeless than hopeful.  But as She of Little Combat Boots once told me, "I'm sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way."  (nice lyric too).  And I agree with her.  So I'm going to nurture my romantic heart and try not to get bitter over losing in love so many times in my life.

So raise your cups of coffee with me and toast me to a new life in Chicago.  I feel like the lead in Company...But I'm not really ready....maybe I can sing it as I'm almost ready.


Sunday, March 2, 2014

The Boys Are Back In Town

Yesterday was the first really fun day away from home with the kids and Second Daughter.  She had a day off where it worked out that we both had some errands to do.  So while she got Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins ready to leave, I walked through my new neighborhood.  I'm in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of new city....The Windy City, and boy has it been the last week, cold and windy.  I was glad I didn't have to go outside.  Saturday was not as bad, and I felt good, walking the city blocks, passing all sorts of local businesses, everything from bakeries and grocery stores to lawyers and doctors.  I picked up my taxes and then got my meds refilled, and walked back all by myself without getting lost or even needing to use my phones GPS.  It still felt like a small little chunk of Chicago.

Once I got back home and the kids were all snow suited up, we left for the train.  My first ride on the train as an actual citizen of Chicago...not just a visitor.  We were planning Ginger Snap's birthday party, which is coming up this month.  We found the perfect place to reserve, now all the real planning can commence.  The sports center had a pond with fish in it that Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins were very interested in.  After that, Second Daughter knew the cutest little ice cream place, so we stopped for ice cream, and I paid before she could.  I really wanted to take the boys out for ice cream.  It was a fun adventure.  Riding the train to a different part of another neighborhood, made me remember my vacation with First Daughter in Manhattan.  She had said, If you close your eyes it sounds almost like New York.  I tried it, and smiled.  I miss us together, but I know I will see her again soon.  (actually via google hangouts tonight at gaming.....I love technology)

Somehow, seeing the skyscrapers from the train, it hit me.  I'm in a city again.  A big city.  Not the first born city of our country, not New York, and not the spoiled youngest city of dreams, LA, but the middle child city....Chicago.  And old city with a great history, and a diverse population, everywhere you look, people of many colors; buildings old and new.  I finally don't feel like a fish out of water, like I did all those years in the small towns of Wisconsin.  Perhaps if I had lived in Milwaukee, it would have been different.  I enjoyed my visit to that city as well.  But I didn't get the chance to live in a big city in Wisconsin, and quite honestly, I missed Los Angeles and Colorado Springs.  Chicago is the second largest city I've lived in, and one that has a great mass transit system.  Very different from Los Angeles, where I drove everywhere.  Here I walk everywhere, or will take the train or bus.  I feel very european about this, and am looking forward to a time where I won't even own a car.  (I just felt my second husband have a mild stroke at this thought)  HAHA!

I know there is a lot going on back in Wisconsin with family and friends, and I wish everyone had more time to keep me posted.  But I'm hopeful, that with time, that will happen.  If not, I guess I'll have to understand, and hope that I haven't lost anyone I love with my relocation.  Time will tell. I suppose.  And if I'm lucky, Fate will be on my side this time.

Sunday morning, and my grandkids are up, while the parents sleep, on a quiet snowy morning.  I think it may be time for some breakfast as I can hear My Little Pony's---one of Ginger Snap's favorite cartoons, playing on the television.  Must have more coffee.  Coffee goes great with early morning happy baby sounds, and helpful big brother ideas.

Hope your days are filled with as much of the simple joys of life as mine are.