Sunday, January 26, 2014

Letter To My 12 Year Old Self - The Struggling Survivor

My Dearest Twelve Year Old Self,
Let me start by saying that I'm sorry.  I know I promised that you would never have to feel that way again, and I know over the last three years, I let you down, but that's not going to happen again.  I understand what you went through now.  I can't say that I did until now.  I don't think I was ever ready to fully face how controlled you felt when he forced you.  How his touch was that of a molester and how your first sexual experiences were ones that were forced and not normal.  But understand that none of that had anything to do with you.  You did not ask to be raped and touched like that.  You did not deserve to be awakened sexually before you understood what it meant, or without any love and respect attached to it.  It's not your fault that you believed you only deserved this kind of experience, and since I let you make too many choices in this area, of course you have not chosen wisely.   This is my fault not yours.  Somewhere along the way in my journey I lost my way.  I have no excuse for allowing myself to be treated this way, but I did, and I believe it's because I allowed you to choose for me.  My twelve year old self.  My wounded self.  My self that responds as a child does rather than as an adult.  I can promise you that you will still have these feelings.  Of being attracted to the wrong type of man.  To the type that is fully capable and prepared to control you again, and manipulate you into changing into someone you don't recognize.  Men that are fully capable of sexually exploiting you and using you for their needs without any consideration of yours.  What I can promise you is that you will no longer act on those attractions, because you know you deserve more.  You deserve to be someone's first choice, and treated like a princess.  You deserve to be loved and respected and wanted because of who you are and how wonderful you are.  You are not a slut or a whore or a dirty girl or any of the things that he told you.  And it's not your fault that it felt good.  Not all rapes have bruises or beatings.  And sex, when done correctly, feels good.  The men that raped and molested you wanted it to feel good to them, and you have no reason to feel at fault or shame if it did to them, or to you.  You were too young to understand what was happening and too weak to fight either of them off.    Your attackers were the sick ones, not you.  Your attackers were vile and perverted men that could not fight their personal demons any longer and took away your innocence and trust in men.  I understand that.  And that is why you can no longer choose or trust in your attractions.  The hard part that I need you to do is forgive yourself for the shame that you have carried around with you for 39 years.  You don't have to forgive them, yet.  But if you can you should for they are the ones that need forgiveness.  I promise I will be strong, and never let in another molester.  Never let another man that sets off any triggers into my life or heart.  I will protect your fragile ego and help to build up your self esteem by the people I select to be in my life.  And you will never feel forced or manipulated again.  I love you, and will protect you.