Sunday, February 23, 2014

Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda

This morning as I was drinking coffee and reading Post Secret a couple of the secrets jumped out at me.  The first was a bright red post card that simply read:  "I have forgiven the boy that molested me, because I know someone molested him."  That thought had never crossed my mind with my rapist, even though I have been very proud of not being a molester myself, having been molested.  But now that this thought is brewing in my mind, I can't help but wonder if that was why he felt like I should enjoy it.  If that is why he said that his adopted step sister liked it.  It has given me a lot to think about and reflect upon.  Perhaps this is the way I will be able to forgive him.

The second one was:  "Even though it has been one of the most stressful times of my life, and I have been really unhappy.  I actually feel like now I can see where I need to be.  I'm going to be okay."  This one filled me with hope to be validated by another's thoughts.  Just to know I'm not alone.  Group therapy was like that, and Post Secret has always been a site where I could sit, in quite, and read and think.  Most of the time I'm thankful that the secrets I read are not mine, but every once in a while, they can hit close.

And while I am happier now that I have been in a long time, and am feeling fulfilled in helping raise my grandkids, there is still something missing from my life.  Something that recently had been awakened like a sleeping dragon, in my heart.  My thirst for love, my desire for companionship.  I started on this path in 2010....four years already?  With Mr. Practical awakening my desire to flirt and meet new people.  It was a magical meeting when we took our online discussions into real life....or should I say real time.  On line flirting is real.  Don't let anyone tell you any different.  It's a gateway drug to actual sex.  And while I wouldn't trade our four days together for anything, it was the beginning of a three year disappointment in love, and men, that got better with Mr. Hopeful and then much worse with Mr. Charisma.

I have moved, physically and emotionally from those three years, and am still close friends with Mr. Practical.  I do not want to be friends of any kind with Mr. Charisma, so that's on track.  But Mr. Hopeful, I miss.  We parted as the best of friends, and while I understand that we are all very busy, my other friends have found time to message me with good wishes and communication on their lives.  I like sharing my life with my friends, and feel so disconnected when it doesn't happen.  I try to reach out, but when I hear nothing back, I lose my confidence.  I start to get the feeling that maybe I shouldn't try.  That maybe he would rather that I was just gone.  And when I do that to myself I become very sad.  I'm looking at a picture of us right now where he is holding me and one of his friends is standing beside us ...we were so happy.  If I had a time machine I'd go back to that day, and I'd change my mind.  But this kind of thinking is exactly what therapy taught me was negative.  No matter how many warm fuzzes I may get from remembering us, it is the worst thing I can do.  What I need is our friendship.  How to move forward as friends.  But I'm sad about it because I have very little communication from him, and he seems always too busy to talk.

The experienced woman in me says to leave it alone, if he really wants to be your friend he will reach out again.  But the Crazy Girl Brain in me is not very patient.  And tends to react in a childish way, instead of an adult, or nurturing way.  I try to give myself all kinds of excuses as to why he is open to a friendship, but then still seems gone from me.  And of course all of the scenarios I can come up with are just that....Imaginations.  Nothing in fact.  And as a writer I have a pretty good imagination.  Or as Han Solo would say, "I can imagine quite a bit."

Out of all of my friends I miss him the most.  And I believe it is because there is a lack of communication.  I hope he still reads my blog, and I hope he will try to message me off line, just so I know he is still there and wants to listen.  I can't shake the feeling that he is.  But I'm so afraid.  You see my year with Mr. Charisma has blown my confidence all out of whack.  And while I used to be so strong that if a man ignored me I didn't care.  There were so many other men out there, ready to give me the attention I wanted, needed, or felt I deserved.  Depending on the relationship status.  :)  But see, my problem is that I'm still in love with Mr. Hopeful.  So while I can and have let him go, because that what real love does.  That doesn't mean that I don't miss him every day.  Or think about him every night....when it's quiet.

I look at the framed pictures of my family and friends that I've surrounded myself with, and I wish I had had the strength to make different choices in my life.  I understand that those of you that are religious will say, "You are where you are supposed to be in God's plan;"  and as a preacher's kid I get that.  But I also have to say, I wish where I was supposed to be was with him.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Live From The Windy City! Its Sunday Morning!

I just couldn't resist ripping off Saturday Night Live.  And now that I'm here and almost settled in, (we are going to buy my bed today and I'll be off the air mattress soon) I'm feeling more and more like its home.  I miss my kids and my friends, but I've brought some things with me that remind me of them and I have them placed around my space.  Scheduling is coming together and we are working out days off and pay days and time for all of us to have some adult time alone.  It does sometimes take a village to raise a couple of energetic boys.

On the personal front, Ginger Snap would say I've been golden since I got here because I've been eating breakfast, lunch and dinner.  (he's a very cute 6 year old and very good at reminding me when I need to be good and have a golden day.  He gets golden when he does all his homework, and chores, which consist of picking up his toys, and clothes and being nice to Sammy Bo Baggins)  So, I'm already taking better care of myself as I take care of them, and I knew that would be the case.  I'm also not drinking or partaking in any other forms of self medication.  Which I can't say that I miss that much, but  I do miss the friends I partied with; and I know they are only an instant message away.

While my kids and family in my gaming group are not gaming today because our Head Pirate Yarr, has some work thing, I have arranged to be available every Sunday at 6pm via Skype or Google Hangouts for our weekly adventures.  And that makes me very happy.  I loved hanging out with my adult children and our friends once a week.  I will miss the noms, but I will have my own.

On another personal front I feel as if the separation from all the memories is doing me a world of good.  I have very fond memories of Mr. Hopeful and my wish is that he will try to chat with me more often like Mr. Practical does.  I do miss his friendship above all else.  And who knows, maybe we will see each other again, you just never know.  And he would remind me to quit writing my own ending, and just live.  Which is exactly why I live my life and take the next step in my adventures.   I'm only a little sad that Mr. Hopeful could not or did not want to accompany me any further in my journey.  But I'm not angry at him.  I'm finding that I'm not feeling much of anything at all towards Mr. Charisma.  Which I also think is great progress.  Nature said to me on my last night in town, "When you don't want to hurt him anymore or have him hurt you will know you are really over him."  Ah Nature....She is so wise, and it's true.  While Satan and Death nodded their agreements I could tell that some of my oldest and dearest friends were on my side.  No sadness, just good hopes for my future.  As I have for all of theirs.

Now that Sammy Bo Baggins and Ginger Snap have had their waffles, I think it might be time for me to snag some as well.


Sunday, February 9, 2014

4 Days--And Counting

I've said my goodbyes (or hopefully see you laters) to most of my close friends.  I still have a couple to see on monday and wednesday, and they are some of my oldest friends so it should be interesting.  I'm happy that I've been so busy catching up and reconnecting with people that I love and don't want to lose contact with.  It has been very flattering and validating, and I'm hopeful that our communications will continue on line, and that my relationships with all of my friends will be as fulfilling from a distance as they have been in person.  I know its hard in this busy world to stay connected, and I'm not very good at it either, but I'm going to try.

Last night I got a very rare opportunity via text, to know exactly when Mr. Charisma would not be at home....and believe me, She of Little Combat Boots and I were laughing maniacally at the thought of taking the glasses he bought for us, keepsakes from a romantic dinner and a set for Christmas, to his driveway and smashing them all over for a 'welcome home' present....for him and his gal.  I put She of Little Combat Boots to task, to keep me at home last night so I wouldn't do this nasty thing that I really wanted to do.  And she was successful at keeping me at home.

I find myself still hating Mr. Charisma.  Its odd but since it's all tied up with triggers and scary stuff from my past, I guess I understand it.  But I can't help but feel that 50% of it is about how he got with Miss Right For Now.  I'm very angry at him, no matter how he says it happened, there are too many coincidences in her personal life that gel with the times he tried to pull back or break up with me, for me not to think he was drawn to her for months while still in a serious relationship with me.  I'm not sure if I will ever forgive him for doing the one thing I asked him not to do.  And he promised he wouldn't....he promised he'd tell me if he found himself falling in love with someone else.  I know he thinks he wasn't and doesn't understand....but I can't believe that.  Not from someone his age.  So I'm angry.  And it will be a miracle if I can get out of town without smashing those glasses.  Four days....I can make four days.

And besides, I really want him to hurt much more than a few flat tires.

Spending the weekend with my daughters and She of Little Combat Boots, has been a wonderful weekend, and I'm looking forward to gaming tonight with my kids and friends.  I'm excited at the prospect of getting to Chicago and getting to know my new neighborhood.  And at the same time the more I say goodbye to people I've known for 20 years, the harder it is to go....That Guy I hope to see again, Mr. Hopeful I doubt I'll see again but have made my peace with him.  Mr. Confident I stood more meaningless more boys that pretend to be men.

I've cried all the tears I'm going to cry for them, and I'm moving on with life.  I know that I have a long way to go to heal from all the anger at my attackers, and Mr. Charisma, but I know I will get there.  I have confidence and hope that my support group both here and all over the world will always be there when I reach out.  I'm happy again for the first time in about 9 months, and I'm lucky that I've gotten to share that with the people in my life.  I wish I had time to see everyone, because you all matter.

I plan on posting lots of pictures and info on what is going on, and I hope that those of you on my friends list that do not do a lot of posting will start.  I love to see your kids growing up and the wonderful and not so wonderful things that happen in your lives.....especially since I can't be with all of you.  Now to organize what jewelry I'm taking and I'm done packing....unless I freak out and try to shrink more in 4 days.  LOL

Keep reading. Keep connected.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

A New Path To The Windy City

I graduated from my group therapy on Friday, and this weekend in Chicago has been a very rewarding one.  Full of love and acceptance and joy at being able to help take care of two very adorable boys that I have the great honor to be called Grandma Jill.  These boys are 6 and 3/4th (he is very exact on this) and 1 years old.  And the children of a beautiful and intelligent woman that has always been the Daughter I Chose and her wonderful husband who I am proud to call a Second Son.  I have followed her life since she came into my life at 17 when she was dating my First Son.  And while they were not the best match for each other, she was and still is a great match to our family.  As a family we have been involved in each others lives as much as we can from a long distance.  I live in Wisconsin and they are in Chicago.  We have gone through falling in love and break ups many times together, on both sides, mine and hers.  We have suffered through the loss of her mother and my father together.  And we have celebrated the wonderful wedding to the love of her life.  In short since I met her I have known we would always be family.

They have made me an offer that my doctors, and family, and the friends I've had an opportunity to tell, agree with.  The Daughter I Chose has been after me since her eldest was born to be the live in nanny for them, but the timing was never right.  They know I have been depressed since the double dumping I endured over the last two years, and have sought treatment, which is working.  In fact it has worked so well that I know I can no longer do anything with my life that doesn't make me happy. And staying in a town where every street is a flashing memory of fondness that is swiftly followed by sadness is not acceptable.  I can't even look anywhere in my apartment and feel safe and that it's my space anymore.  All I have are bad memories now of the moments that I believed were tender and loving from Mr. Charisma and Mr. Hopeful; but were obviously lies.  They never loved me.  They were just using me to either get out of a bad marriage or to find some affection in a loveless marriage.  But IF they had loved me enough, they would have stuck with me while I got the help I needed.  It's their loss. For now with my meds I'm calmer, more rational, and less likely to explode over what seems to be nothing to everyone except me.  The hamsters in the wheels of my head have stopped running, for the most part.  And when they start I can calm them with skills I learned in group or at a last resort meds.

I have decided to accept this offer and become a nanny and help raise Ginger Snap and Little Sambo Baggins for my second family.  I will be living with them and making a modest salary and being able to give my experience and generation to another generation.  Much like my mom did for my First Daughter and First Son.  While I will be responsible for the boys when the parents aren't here, I will have time to write.  My first love.  And perhaps have enough time and be relaxed enough to actually get something finished and published.  My children are grown and going on with their lives and they know I will always be there for them as well.

Not everyone has been supportive.  One of my ex-husbands, Mr. Selfish has declared that I'm abandoning my 25 year old daughter and taking bad advice and want to discuss a different offer.  I shake my head but will call him to see what his suggestions are out of respect for our 30 year friendship.  I told him so that he would be aware if our daughter needed any extra support, not for his advice.

I know this will come as a shock to a lot of my friends and extended family, but I hope that they will be happy for me, instead of reacting like Mr. Selfish.  However I'm prepared for a lot of people thinking this is a spur of the moment thing, or that I'm running from my problems.  But what I need is a new beginning in a different city, where no one knows my past of the last three years, and where I can try to start again and finally do some things in my life for me.  I know I have a lot to accomplish before I can get back down here on the 13th, but it will keep me busy and focused and looking forward.  It will help me to be mindful instead of doing all the negative self talk that depression tends to dump on you and make those hamsters really run.  My hamsters are sleeping, or standing on the wheel...not even running anymore.  I never realized how anxious a person I was my entire life, how on guard, and jittery.  (obviously a carry-over from the rape, molestations, and fear of being controlled and manipulated again)  But what I didn't know, is that therapy could help me not only with the past events, but with taming my emotional state from it.

I only wish I had gotten help years ago.  I wonder how many friends and lovers I have pushed away by not being able to ever really relax.  But that is negative thinking.  It doesn't matter what could have or maybe even should have been.  What matters now, is that I can be in the moment.  And my future is coming at me at full speed, and I'm happy about it.    I've never been happy working for a living for a company or individual.   I was at my happiest raising my kids.  So now I get to help raise some more.  It's the best job in the world.

Cheers from Chicago.  :)