Sunday, December 30, 2012

"And I Don't Want The World To See Me"----Iris

And we are on the seventh song in the list.  Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.  It was actually tough to pick one lyric from that song that fits this blog....every lyric in that song fits how I'm feeling:

"I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow".....
That's so true.  I wake up in the wee hours of the morning, and he explodes into my head, unannounced, but welcome.  My mind slowly comes out of its slumber and can feel him in the distance, thinking of me, and our connection makes me smile.  I can be myself when I'm with him, and that is more valuable to me than any other relationships.  I imagine that he might be awake too, thinking of us, and that slender thread that connects us helps me find him in my dreams.

"But sooner or later it's over, I just don't wanna miss you tonight"....
It's not that I'm not in the moment when I'm with him, I am.  But when it's over, after the basking, or as I like to call it the 'bangover'....I do miss him when he isn't here.  I do miss his presence.  I miss everything about him.  His touch, his smile, his smell, his taste.  I can look around my bedroom and see evidence of him being here.  Things of his, he left, or borrowed me, or bought me.  I love them because they remind me that he is real, and not imaginary.  But they also remind me that he is not mine.

"All I can taste is this moment.".....
When we are together the world disappears.  I had forgotten what that felt like until he reminded me what real passion is.  To be desired this much is exactly what I feel true love is all about.  We may not ever be able to be together in the way we both imagine it, but that doesn't lessen the moments that we are.  And I treasure them beyond all others.  For they are few.

"All I can breathe is your life":....
Sometimes, and this is only the times like now, when I'm alone and can reflect...but sometimes, I feel like a supporting character in his life.  I guess this is common for a mistress, it feels logical.  It's not that I'm living for him, I just find myself willing to rearrange my life for time with him.  I figure that's a two way street, and no matter how often, or seldom I see him, I sometimes forget that he is trying to see me as much as he can.

"When everything feels like the movies.....
And I'm such a hopeless romantic about the movies....about a good love story.  And the situation I  am in now, would make a great screenplay, caught between Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Charisma.  I'm sure it's already been done, and I'm not sure I could do it better, but I think I might have to try to write this out.  Maybe its a story that needs to be on the screen.

but the chorus...."And I don't want the world to see me, cuz I don't think that they'd understand.  When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."....
That's the kicker ain't it?  I don't want the world to see me, because I KNOW they won't understand how I can love them both this much, and share them with their chosen lives.  How I can walk proudly knowing I am loved and missed by them as much as I miss them....even if by societies rules they are not mine to love.  You can't help who you love.  How I would walk away rather than have them hurt or their lives disrupted, in any way.  But I don't believe that marriage lasts, my own experience, forgive me or stop reading if you are offended, but personal experience is all we can ever go on.  And I believe that broken love can be repaired, that hurts can be fixed if the love and passion still remain. If the respect and friendship is still there.  But if your down to just sex, and no desire then, it's over.  And if you need me, then it's probably just a waiting game or a pride issue until you decide that you have had it and leave.  I just want you to know who I am.  I'm the one that will still be here, backing you up on your decisions, standing by your side as you are mocked or ridiculed for your passions.  I'm the one that believes in us even more than you do.  I'm the one that helps you "bleed just to know you're alive."  I'm the one that is willing to gamble that you'll never be mine, but still sees you when you want me.  I'm the one worth risking everything you don't want to lose.


Sunday, December 23, 2012

Different Strings

And what a week for Different Strings.  "Peel away the mystery, here's a clue to some real  motivation....All there really is....the two of us."

Busy with work and the training of my replacement, and my coming promotion has me worried enough, but it's the Holidays.  And for a woman like me, where I am sharing my greatest loves, the holidays are a time of separation and loneliness ...or use to be.  Mr. Charisma has decided, with very little suggestion from me, to see me as often as possible, because my new promotion will take away his time with me and our usual relaxing hours together will be cut drastically in half.  He took my suggestion to heart and saw me every night last week except one. he going to spoil me or what?  All I can say.

And just when I thought it might be another week or two before I saw Mr. Hopeful, (its been three) he arranges, out of the blue, to stop and see me this morning.  I guess he couldn't let Christmas go by without trying to see me.  This season is all about love, and the people you want most to see, so them making time for me around this holiday means more to me than they can know.  While I'm not sitting around just waiting for them, I have my own family to plan holiday events; it does my heart a world of good to know that right now, we are all on the same page in wishing we could see more of each other during the close of the year.

"Different eyes see different things, different hearts beat on different strings, but there are times, for you and me when all such things agree."

I hope that you all have a great holiday, and that your days are filled with love, tenderness and true caring from your loved ones.  And like me, that you get exactly what you want for Christmas.  Cheers.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Every Little Thing She (He) Does Is Magic we have come to this song on the playlist, and this one is kind of important, because it is why I am with them.  It is a mutual feeling, that I'm certain of.  Hence the pronoun playing game in the title.  I know I'm and addiction to them as much as they are to me, and it's a gaming reference as well, for those of you that are geeks out there.

I find that this playlist is still very relevant to me.  I had originally made it with one person in mind, Mr. H.  And as I was exploring my feelings I realized I can't talk about how I feel about him without touching on how I feel about Mr. C as well.  And well, it became for them both.  I have a feeling that will be the case for as long as I feel this 'In Tune' with them both.  I fell for my own ploy.  I'm always saying, "Never say never..." to them, and I now find myself in a position that I swore I would never be in again.  In love with two men at the same time.  It's not all magic, but for me, for the most part, when I'm with them it is.  Magic.

I suppose that's the biggest reason they make me smile and my days seem brighter when we have a moment to say hello, and that we are missing each other, daily.  And let me go on record in saying that this is exactly what occurs.  Sometimes our conversations are very brief, but they mean more than the lengthy conversations we have with others.  They are memorable.  Not just because of their content, but because they are magic.  They are a like a healing, comfortable place we can run to, and know that whatever shit has befallen us that day, a smile and kind word from us means more than anything else.  Is more comforting and confidence building than anything from anyone else.

Its magic.  And it works.  Even when plans change, like today with Mr. C, less time than we normally would have wanted, but still making it work.  Or when Mr. H uncharacteristically off lines me, just to let me know he was thinking about me.  I love that romantic shit.  I'm a girl deep down inside, no matter how much I try to pretend to be an equal in a man's world.  I know I am not, and I know I can be more magic if I understand that sometimes 'losing' to a man, is, in the long run, 'winning'.  I was recently reminded by Mr. C that, that is a fact that most women don't understand, but that I do.  I love it when my idea is the same as theirs...that too is Magic.  And happens more than we probably know.  It really is too bad that we can't spend as much time together as we want.  But I like where we are, emotionally.  Somehow, we make this work, the three of us...just sharing our lives and trying to find some happiness in a cruel and unfair world.  And finding each other in that world...well that's the biggest Magic.


Sunday, December 9, 2012

Rooms On Fire

"Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire....every time that you walk in the room..."

Knowing that I was on this song on the list this morning didn't make starting this blog any easier.  Rooms On Fire indeed.  Last night was suppose to be a quiet night, with no plans, waiting for Mr. Hopeful to be on line so we could chat a bit, in-between interruptions and while this is not ideal, it is all we have, and I promised him I'd be there....all for him...and I wasn't.  Well, I was, but I was distracted.  And I feel so guilty for it.

My plans changed suddenly yesterday, and I ended up with a date with Mr. Charisma that was suppose to be our usual Sunday, and while we still might be able to steal away today, neither of us wanted to put all our eggs into one basket and so we made sure we got to see each other last night, just in case.  You can see where this is going, right?  And I'm betting you expected a conflict much earlier, right?  And this whole situation was out of a romantic comedy, or tragedy, depending on your point of view.

"And then there would be someone who would enter into her presence...that she could sense for miles..."

When the time came to chat with Mr. Hopeful, even though I was content and happy to be with Mr. Charisma, I found myself drawn to my phone and it's insistent blinking light.  There he was....on time....wanting to spend what little time we have together and what was I doing?  Exactly what he wants me to do.  Date.  Find someone that can give me what I want and need.  Be happy.  So if that's true, then why did I care that he was waiting for me?

I think we all know the answer to that question, don't we?   I should have just told him that something came up, he would have understood, but been disappointed.  And I HATE to disappoint him.  He has so much in his life that he is already disappointed in, I can't be another.  I won't be.  But I have noticed that I've been devoting more time to Mr. Charisma than to any of the rest of the A-Team.  Well, Mr. Practical is lucky because he has probably not even noticed since his on line time has decreased as well.  And That Guy, well, as long as his approach is booty calls only, he will learn that my time is scheduled in advance or he won't see me.  That brings me to another curiosity that I mention only because I believe it has baring.  Mr. Confident made an appearance this week, and he has been absent for five months.  I didn't miss him, and I still don't.  And this time when he reached out to see if I wanted to play, I was so turned off, I hardly answered him, and I came up with a lame excuse about no time.

I understand what that means, when a man says he as no time for me, it really means he chooses not to make time for me.  I wonder if Mr. Confident understands this?  I'm betting with his ego he doesn't.  But since he didn't make the cut for the A-Team it really doesn't matter, except when I put it into sharp reality with Mr. Hopeful.  You see, he has no time for me. I'm hoping when my schedule changes at work that I will be use to staying up later and maybe, on a good night, we might be able to at least chat more, but seeing him seems to be more and more difficult.  And I'd hoped with more nights working he might find more time for us.  And maybe he will.  All I know is that I was very guilty in not telling him why I was so tired and distant.  And the only real reason I wasn't honest was because I didn't think he could handle it.  I thought he might be jealous and stop talking to me, like That Guy.  

And while I'm use to That Guy's sudden appearances and departures when he doesn't get an invite, I don't want Mr. Hopeful to fall into the category of 'booty call'.  I just don't like that feeling.  And yet with him, when he calls, and it suddenly works for us, it doesn't 'feel' like a booty call.  And yet technically, That Guy would argue it is.  I can't shake the feeling of how guilty I felt last night rushing the time I had with Mr. Charisma, who NEVER treats me like a booty call.  And why did I?  On the outside chance that Mr. Hopeful might really chat with me into the night, as he suggested, and then me not being able to stay awake.  And here Mr. Charisma, with just as much to lose, not only makes time for me every week, at least two times a week, sometimes three, and for hours at a time.  His actions make me feel like this is much more than what I'm willing to admit.  I felt guilty answering Mr. Hopeful, and he was the scheduled date.  And I know he's not jealous, not exactly, and he understands the situation, and is as 'okay' with it as anyone could be expected to be.  

I honestly think the real reason neither of them stomp their foot and make me only see them, is that they understand they have no right to do that to me.  Not as long as they are both 'otherwise engaged'.  Now if we were all less complicated, I'm sure I would have to choose.  And if I was made to choose right now, could I?  That's a good question.  I wish I had a good answer.

I'm sitting here in my ginormous bed, with the blinds open, watching it finally snow, and knowing that my actions speak volumes over my words.  And last night, I couldn't ignore him.  I'm sad that we can't be together, but I'm happy that I found someone that makes me not only forget that sadness, but look toward a future of happiness, seeing each other for as long as our feelings last.  Which I know sounds temporary, but may be more permanent than any marriage out there.  Is it possible to love two men at once?  Really?  I know Mr. Practical would say yes, as he swore he loved his finance and me at the same time and was very close to choosing me over the pending marriage, commitment, loyalty, and all that jazz won out there.  And he seems so much more stressed now that he has 'what he always wanted' I wonder if he ever wonders if he made the right choice there.  

I sometimes wonder if any of them are telling me the truth about what they feel for me.  When Mr. Hopeful tells me he loves me, I wonder if it's the same love I feel for him, or if it's more a grateful kind of respect and lust that I'm willing to be his mistress.  Same for Mr. Charisma.  Am I just what he needed to make his life feel perfect, to give him what he can't get from her anymore, or is it really me he loves?  Mr. Practical and I had to stop saying the 'L-word' because I just couldn't wrap my head around him loving us both equally.  I get that now, more than I ever did before.  Ironic that he is not involved in the equation anymore.  And that may be only because deep down inside I know how much he loves his wife and how happy he is with her.  I know we don't have a future, not even a fantasy one.  And that realization has hurt my writing with him, and I believe has hurt his writing with me as well.  

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong.  Maybe for once I should just do what feels right and good for me.  Maybe I should make this about the fun I have when I'm with them, and let that be my guide on who gets to spend the most time with me.  Maybe I should just live my life, and stop worrying about how they see it, or if they feel jealous or if they love me or not.  In the end, it really only matters that I'm true to my feelings, and that's really all I can control.  And see if they can handle that.  Having to please me as much as they expect I should please them.  hum...Somehow empowering myself makes the guilt fade, and the love grow.  The desire to see them and spend good quality time together is what I want.  And from now on, I think that's all I'm going to accept.  Time together.  Time for us only.  Since I have to share them anyway, my time with them should be all about us, not about their lives without me.  Unless that effects us.  I think I need to be stronger in what I want and need out of these relationships.  Perhaps that will help me choose, when and if I ever need to.  
...."long nets of white cloud my memory..."

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Getting In Tune

So for those music savvy enough to see these things without me telling you, good for you.  For the rest, this is the second week I've used a song title for the title of my blog and believe me they aren't random, but if I told you where they are coming from, well, I'd have to kill you, so best you don't know.  (Oh and if you don't know last weeks song or this week, I suggest you look them up, and become educated in music I love).
Getting In Tune, this has been a huge week for me doing just that.  Caught a nasty bug from one of the A Team and we've been sick together this week.  Even sick can't keep Mr. Charisma away, apparently. Three times last week, and I'm seeing him at some point in time today, so again, a jump on next week.  I do love attention, and I'm very in tune to him.  The connection is not only strong but becoming sturdy.  Maybe not as sturdy as Mr. Hopeful or Mr. Practical, but surprisingly well on his way to becoming a very good friend.  This is a huge distinction, and really why he's on the team, after all.

Getting In Tune with Mr. H has been difficult, lots of stress there for him so it kind of sloshes over onto me and effects how I react when around around him.  I don't mind being there for him as a friend and confident, how could I?  Its part of who we are, but sometimes, I wish he could just leave all that behind, take a deep breath, and just be, completely in the moment, with me.  Sometimes I think is, well probably most the time.  And it's really impossible to discuss how we are and catch up without talking about our families and jobs and 'real life, and the life that you know...'  oops, early song cue...Hang on Stevie, your time will come.  Of course its our real lives that keep us apart and seeing each other so seldom, that I almost for get what it feels like to just be with him.  But I did get to see him this week, very unexpectantly after he told me it was out this week.  Guess Fate had different plans.   But I'm in tune there too, it's fainter than it was, almost being drowned out by the holiday stress and noise.  But sometimes, when I'm sure he must be thinking of me, he pops into the forefront of my thoughts, and sometimes its at the most incontinent moments.  He is still, after two years, like a computer program that is consistently running in the background of my thoughts.

Getting In Tune with Mr. Practical, this is much more difficult and something that snuck up on me.  And believe me, I NEVER (never say never) expected it.  This strong and sturdy connection that I've been in tune with for,well, I guess since the beginning really, but especially in the last two years, is starting to fade.  I hardly feel him anymore and it worried me greatly in the beginning.  And I've come up with several reasons, he's also under some incredible stresses in his life, both business and personal, like Mr. H.  However Mr. P doesn't complain about it, nor does he talk much about the things that are disturbing him, unless I ask him.  And you know do.  The good news is that I really feel like I'm advising him with no agenda other than being best friends.  I'm not going to admit that maybe I've fallen out of love with him, but I will admit that the fires of passion have been successfully banked, and I'm even okay with knowing where they are.  Like a favorite old blanket, that I grab every evening to feel comfortable and safe.  It's a sturdy connection, and I know we are both in the same place.  This does not diminish his love for his family nor for me, it just feels more right for the moment.  And I'm happy we do live in the moment when we are together, every time.  Somehow our love has transcend normal or what people consider normal, and has invented itself and morphed into a great love that we can express in almost complete platonic friendship now.  Sure we both have moments when a certain song might be playing or one of us decides to stoke that banked fire in a discussion on line, but for the most part, I really feel that where I am with him is exactly right for us.

Getting In Tune with That Guy I honestly don't believe will ever happen, we are too different, and where we are alike could be scary for the entire world.  And besides, I kind of like him, right where he is, being his honest, agenda driven self.  I'm a little afraid of getting in tune with him, and I think that's the real reason I don't.

Getting In Tune with myself is what it's all about, and while I feel sometimes like I'm walking a tightrope of gossip while juggling my team and avoiding the crowd throwing innuendo at me, I'm keeping my balance.  Hell I'm having fun keeping my balance.  And as long as no one is getting hurt, I plan to continue to see as much of them as they desire, or can fit in.  And I am going to try to be in the moment more with each of them, instead of becoming suddenly shy or confused about my emotions.  I think this is the time in my life I'm suppose to be exploring them.

Perhaps a tuning fork would help. ;)