Sunday, August 26, 2012

That Drifting Feeling

Don't you hate it when you can feel that you are losing track of someone, that someone is drifting from your life, and you can't do a thing about it?  You know what I'm talking about too, I know you do.  That nagging feeling that cramps your gut in knots, and forces your eyebrows together in a frown of concern.  You know all the emotions by heart and in order that are going to hit, but you don't care, you keep going.  You keep caring, you keep showing up because it's all you can do.  Even though you know you're going to be disappointed again.  Even though you know that disappointment is what they do best.  I've got a particular group of friends that this description fits to a tee.  They were a close knit group,  however time and fate split them up, and now the factions are distant acquaintances at best and suspicious nemesis at worst.  It has always been a fascinating group to watch and be involved in, although I learned years ago not to invest any real feelings with them, as they tend to disappoint me every time I try.  This is not the first group of long term friends I've watched decompose.  And I bet you are the same way.  I just bet you never looked at it this way before.   But think back to your best friends in high school.  I bet they aren't your best friends anymore, are they?  Bet you might not even know where they are anymore.  And if you do know them today, I bet they are closer to Facebook friends than real friends.

Don't get me started on electronic friends/lovers, or any of that shit.  Yes I know I'm backdated...I should be, I'm not a kid anymore, and you will be too, no matter who you are or how current you try to stay.  I know that electronic communication is not only the future but the fucking present.  And while I've been able to assimilate with the best of them, better than most my generation, I still miss daily hanging out, chilling, partying, listening to music, gaming cruising, bon fires, camping, socializing in all the ways that made the weekends more fun....IN PERSON.  I don't understand how or why this electronic replacement took over.  Not really.  It's not a very good replacement for genuine face to face, hand to hand combat, as it were.  Did I say combat?  I meant communication.  hehehe....or did I.  You know that is harder electronically as well, a good debate turns into trolling, or hating on line.  You know why?  You can't see their face, hear their tone or really know if what they are saying to you is real with real feeling attached.  You know why it bothers you?  Because then when you have a great conversation on line, say even a sexual project.  You project your emotions on top of what you are reading, and you 'hear' in your head what you want to hear.  You give up the physical and emotional back up of having this person in front of you and seeing their eyes, smile, body language to back up your intellectual input of the exchange of information.

Why do we do this?  It's not more efficient, it's just the opposite.  Are we really this rushed and this pressed for time in our lives that we have no more time for each other?  For some of our favorite people beyond our immediate family.  And if you are communicating very deep and personal information between family members on Facebook, like happy anniversary wishes, or airing your dirty laundry...having actual fights on line for everyone to see....well, that's just so dysfunctional I don't even have to comment.  I'm all for a tender reminder but make sure that's not your only form of communication.  We have developed into a society of people that only communicate electronically, and then in the same breath diss that form of communication as not really mattering....

I beg your pardon.  You can't have it both ways.  Either electronic communication is important enough to be used as the replacement for a business letter, or phone call, or it's just a social network for bored/busy people to somehow feel still connected to humanity.  I believe IT IS both, but by believing that I have to feel that Facebook and other social networks are more important than some give them credit for.  That you can't just chalk it up to being on Facebook and not counting or mattering.  An electronic relationship, now a days, is as real as a physical one.  In fact a lot of physical ones start out electronic.  Think about that the next time you try to say that "it doesn't matter because it's a Facebook friend."

And if you have a very active on line life, you understand how important electronic communication, or lack there of is.  As much as I have realized and jumped on this electronic highway two decades ago, it still is no match for personal, physical, face to face communication.  And if I didn't think I'd lose track completely of my decomposing groups of friends both past and present, I'd give it all up tomorrow.  So if you are close enough in physical proximity to arrange a face to face, perhaps you should.  You just never know when my face might not be on this plane of existence anymore.  Don't take for granted that you will always have time, because if there is one thing my life has taught me with people, is that you never get enough time with the ones you really love.


Sunday, August 19, 2012

"And The Beat Goes On....The Beat Goes On....

Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the de da de dee, la de da de die."

I'm not sure why Sonny and Cher are going over and over in my brain this's kind of like a Groundhog Day moment, and it does keep an almost perfect rhythm to my headache...hung over...again.  Thanks to my Pat Head friends and their 5th annual summer end of bash bbq.  And even though I left that wonderful affair before it got too late...I went to another shindig after with completely different friends.  Somewhere I kind of frequent, but it's like Fight Club....First rule is we don't talk about it.  Opps...guess I just broke the first rule.  Now I'll be banned from Fight Club again.  

You know I often say "Youth is wasted on the young."  But I seem to be keeping up my end of the partying bargain.  And what a reason to celebrate!  What you ask?  I'll tell you.  My job.  The one that I've been struggling with to close more effectively....well we lost our receptionist.  And I've got a lot of experience in that area, office manager, executive secretary, you name it.  In that field I've done it all.  And they offered me a full time, hourly position, AND commission if I still want to do the sales part.  Which I do.  This means my days start at 9 am and end sometime after 5 pm...depending on evening appointments.  Which most of them are.  10 hour days are not uncommon.  And I'm exhausted after one week.  But it's a GOOD exhaustion.  I feel necessary, supportive, productive, AND I'm getting paid for it.  I finally can see light at the end of the tunnel and it's coming.  In two weeks, when I get my first paycheck from them with my new job responsibilities, I should be able to catch up or pay a little bit on everything that has been piling up.  I even paid my attorney some and had not in two months.  I'm such an honest person by nature, that letting bills pile up makes me feel very guilty.  My dad never pays bills until they 'come looking for him'.  My mom always paid early....guess who I favor?

Oh and another reason to celebrate, I'm writing again.  Got the second drafts done on chapters 1-9, and in the process of getting feedback from my editor.  Which should help me get past a bit of a block on chapter 10.  It's starting to really shape up now.  I'm feeling better about sticking with it again, and I know that is because my job situation has ironed itself out.  And because I smile every damn time I think of my editor (Mr. Practical) and what his friendship and eternal support means to me.

Speaking of smiling every damn time I think of someone....Mr. Hopeful and I have not had the time to see each other in a span of time that is even long for us.  And while we talk daily, I know it's only a matter of time before we can get something scheduled again, and that makes me smile too.  I hate the distance between us, but that's only because with distance comes paranoia.  My fears are always along the lines of...will distance make his heart grow fonder, or will distance cause him to forget me?  For me it always makes my heart grow fonder.  The anticipation, along with the love, sometimes its the only thing that gets me through my days.

So I can't complain.  My job is looking up.  My finances will get better.  And my heart is healing and learning to love again.  All because I took some risks.  I guess that is the real lesson of life, isn't?  Risk something.  Care about something.  Want something.  Dream something.  And watch it happen.


Sunday, August 12, 2012

50 People One Question Experiment

This morning while drinking my coffee and looking at my horoscope and PostSecret, my Sunday ritual before I come here and write for you, I was taken aback by something that I'm sure everyone has seen except me.  but just in case you missed it too, check out the 50 People One Question video.  I've tried to embed it here, but it's on the PostSecret site if that fails, and is very short, considering it's topic.  Worth the watch, especially if you are like me and you feel like your problems are significant somehow...or that your issues with this very difficult life are unique.  Its a lesson in tolerance, and the difference in people and how they respond to one simple question:  What's your secret?

I found it fascinating how some people had a smile on their faces for topics that would make me cringe, and others were as uniquely sad as I am about my secrets. It made me want to reach out and hug them all, for different reasons.  Some, to share in their happiness or reward them for a positive feelings about universally negative topics.  Others to try to show them they are not alone, when they obviously feel so alienated.  When using google to find it several different ones in different cities showed, up and I plan on watching them all before reading cards for some friends today and hopefully finishing up the second draft of chapter 10.  (it's really being a bugger, this chapter 10).

I want to be out of my head, and try not to be so negative about my dwindling bank account, and customers who won't sign and close...yet.  I'm trying to stay hopeful in a very negative place.  I'm trying to remember that I'm a loving and giving person by nature, and not having anyone to hug, touch, be with, in my darkest hours, makes it difficult for me to try to pull myself up.  I'm a cancer and by nature we tend to hide in our shells when it gest tough, exposing our claws to protect ourselves....which is usually the wrong thing to do, but happens in our most desperate hours.  I'm not there yet, but I can see the writing on the wall.  I want to bash down the wall, but I need money to buy the sledge hammer to accomplish this...catch 22.  :)

Watch the video...breathe with me, and think about your secrets.  50 People One Question

Wasn't that one girl so sad, and the boy about death, so joyous?  How about that couple with the cat and the book?  Sometimes humans really bother me, and then other times, like this, they really make me think that maybe, just maybe I'm worried about all the wrong things, and taking for granted all the best things that are right in front of me.

....What's my secret, you ask?  I'm afraid I'm going to be homeless soon, and alone.


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Saturday Field Trip

I'm finding it difficult to put into words this morning, what I was feeling last night.  I'm sure we've all been there before.  Having such a great time, and knowing you should document it, with pictures or words or something, but being in such a euphoric  mood that you find it not only impossible to listen to this voice but know in retrospect your minds eye will be more than enough to capture every memory.  In fact a mere camera couldn't do it justice.  When in an altered state the world becomes beautiful again, every leaf of every tree screaming out to be noticed, as they shimmer in the breeze.  Something they do all the time, but we seldom take the time to notice.  Yesterday, I took the time.  All day, and into dusk, I let myself just be in the moment, and let nature and life surround and wash over me.  I didn't worry.  I didn't think about the future or what may be in store for me.  I didn't worry about my kids, or my friends or my love, or  my lovers.  That's not to say that I didn't think about those people that I love, I did.  They crossed my mind many, many times during the day, but the images that flashed before me were all happy ones.  None of the images born in fear. All images born in love.  This made all the difference and is something that I wish I could do in a sober state as effectively as the altered state of the day.  But alas, not possible for a mind that thinks too much and has experienced too much to believe that things can turn out for the best.  See as much as I'd like to believe I'm a positive person, I'm really kind of a pessimist.  I tell myself it will all work out so that I can get out of bed and try, but I don't really believe it or I wouldn't worry so much.  So the trick is, how do you get that relaxed and 'just let it go, man' feeling into a sober world?  It's kind of hard, but I think with practice, remembering how good it feels, and lots of breathing, it might be able to be done.  Its a new goal.  And I'm going public with it so I can monitor it.  It's a big goal for me, but one I think I need to learn.  Yesterday was an enlightening day on many levels, I always see a lot, hear a lot, and learn more than I usually wish to learn in these field trips, and they don't come around often....the last field trip I took like this was in 1994...Ah the summer of 1994...what a great field trip that was.

Yesterday was fun from the beginning watching movies to the middle hiking in the woods and back to the end of food and conversation, even later when we all split up and went our separate ways, it was fun being alone with a bottle of wine and some dark chocolate, and chatting with Mr. Practical, long distance.  This is an area we do not have in common, yet I think he saw the humor in my stories of the day, and I didn't really get to tell him much.  Unfortunately for one in our group, his day ended much sooner than ours, as there was a misunderstanding between himself and his love.  That kind of thing is a real buzz kill, and as serious as I'm sure their discussion was, I hope he could hold it together and not make it worse, in his altered state.  Them's the breaks with's an honest state if you just let it be, and not fight it.  There were many jokes and we were a lot funnier to ourselves then I'm sure we would have been to anyone else, but the best quote of the day had to be the most Freudian as well.  Before our hike, and knowing the importance of letting someone know when you are out like this, instead of safe at home, I suggested that he leave a note for his love, and he said, with a very sarcastic look on his face, "I just texted her.  Come on it's the 90's!"  At which point, I responded, without missing a beat and with an equally sarcastic expression, but totally catching him in his silp, "Really?  FAR OUT!  I'll take the 90's back, I'm 30 again!  How about 94-96?"  You should have seen his face,when he realized his blunder....the 90's  wow....

Lets all try to relax more....Cheers