Virtuality

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the last two weeks.  Many of my friends and family have had some issues that they felt they should share with me.  And I've been very lucky to be the person they come to for advice or just to listen.  I'm honored, actually that they have felt that I'm the person they want to share the exciting news, or the hardships with me.  I've always felt like my life was an open book.  I talk enough about myself that everyone I love would feel special the way I feel when they discuss life issues with me.  However, I've come to understand that some people are so private that they might view my exchange of information as bragging or boasting, or just an inflated ego that can only talk about myself.

Well, let me set the record straight right now.  I talk about myself first to set the other person at ease.  If I'm willing to share something of my past or present that relates to their situation, I believe they will feel that I have some experience and could actually help.  Or perhaps I have a new perspective that they need to hear.  In either case, if I don't share my stories, how will they know?  Won't I just come off as a 'know it all' or 'egotist'.  I probably come off that way anyway because I've lived a full life and had a lot of unique experiences....so far.  And I will have many more, I'm sure.

I had a boyfriend years ago that felt I was always trying to 'one up him'.  An absurd thought, and one that made me wonder what kind of friends and lovers and parents he had, if that's where he first went with his lover.  While I've often thought of him and wondered if we could have made it work I realize that no matter how attracted we are to each other, it would never work.  Because he really never wanted it to enough, and neither did I.  Well, not at the same time anyway.

I've met a lot of people and they all feel a little different about me.  And I feel like the ones that have taken the time to really get to know me, like me as much as I like them.  However, I do have some people in my life that I have really thought were great people that didn't like me at all.  And have been very verbal in expressing it.  Even to the point of trying to convince other people that love me, that they should drop me from their lives.  They would be so much happier, as he is.  That's so unfortunate, and guess what?  This guy is a very good catholic.  Makes me shake my head at how unchristian that is.  But oh well, I guess some people just like the image of going to church.

I'm in the process of shrinking my friend base again, and adding to my family base.  I'm an only child so I tend to make my closest friends family.  I think it comes from wanting siblings so much growing up that I get very clingy with my friends and feel an almost unrealistic sadness when they treat me like a friend instead of family.  Which, I'm sad to say, happens more often that I want.  I wonder if any other only children feel this way....

And then I stop myself and realize they HAVE siblings.  They have a relationship I can only begin to understand as an outsider.  I think it was very good for me to raise two children.  And see how siblings really act.  Actually made me want them less, but still want at least one big brother or little sister.

Now that both of my parents are dead, I find myself really wishing I had someone that was like a brother or sister to me.  Throughout my life I've adopted many people that I felt fit that category.  But life gets in the way...and people get too busy.  I do too, so I'm not really pointing fingers, just trying to make a point.

In this time, when we have the ability to communicate with hundreds of people we don't know on FaceBook or other social networks....How hard is it to send out a personal message, to someone you miss, instead of just missing them?  Not hard at all.  And while I think we can all agree that this internet and world wide web, has made us all more informed and more lonely at the same time, we are definitely more connected that we have ever been...and yet...there are still people out there, reaching out into the internet for a hopeful response...a Virtuality, if you will (Cue RUSH SONG).

Maybe it takes a real depression or feeling of absolute solitude to make this hit home.  That no matter how busy you are...if you really care about someone, you always find time for them.  I've learned this the hard way...with my heart a couple of times.  And if you are a current reader you know they were sad lessons with Mr. Charisma and Mr. Hopeful.  

Now my heart is in flux again.  And I'm trying to be a good friend, but because I love him, its better for us both to at least admit what we feel.  Even if we can't act on it, yet...or ever.  Keeping the emotion stifled was destroying and creativity that we have together or apart.  Now we are writing again and editing and trying to get our novels that we started years ago together...finished together.  I guess we discovered we can't do it without each other.  That it feels less important if we aren't trying to please each other as our audience.  And over the last four years, well three really, he has tried to remain just a friend as I tried to get over him reaching out to Mr. Hopeful, which I don't regret, and Mr. Charisma, which I do.   As a writer I know this is a very special place.  I don't share my writing with just anyone, and I have regretted sharing it with some men in my past.  Some who betrayed me have copies of my precious children, even though they may have grown since then and changed I still feel the pain at sharing my most inner thoughts and opinions with men who never should have been trusted with that.  Who didn't deserve it, Mr. Charisma for one, and Mr. Selfish for another.  Then there is one, Mr. Hopeful, who I wish I would have.  But never made the opportunity.  Maybe someday we can truly be friends and I can do that...maybe more, and I can do that...maybe nothing, and I can do nothing.  See it's all in his hands, and whenever I leave something completely to a man to decide, I don't feel like I'm in a partnership, or friendship or any kind of relationship anymore.  And if I don't feel like I'm still appreciated, or needed enough to share their life with me, I kind of start to feel like its over and I'm not missed.  I try to tell people I care about stories about my life so they will not make the same mistakes as other have.  Unfortunately I don't think they are really listening, or they don't care as much as they think they do.

I am reflecting on who loves me enough to make time for me, as I have always felt I have done for others.  Dropping plans or changing them as the priorities demand.  Knowing they will understand because when it's their turn to have a tragedy, I'll drop things for them as well.

So take the time today, to reach out to the people you still think of fondly but haven't had the time to say anything for months or maybe years.  Don't rely on FaceBook to get your life and what's going on out to your loved ones.  Make an effort, pick up a phone, write a letter, or send a private e-mail, strike up a conversation on line, video or otherwise, but make a connection.

Cheers

And Speaking Of.....

This last week has been a week of ups and downs.  But my good news is that I've kept myself stable during the downs....not letting myself get depressed or upset about changes in people or the way they communicate.  And not letting myself get carried away too much with CGB (Crazy Girl Brain) at the ups.  This is better news than I had hoped for.  And what I had not expected so quickly.  Its only been five months since I've been on my meds and I haven't taken one of them daily for three months now and I don't miss it.  The other I'm still taking and there are days when I'm convinced I don't need it and days when I'm just as convinced that I do.  So I'm still trying to use my coping skills and get past ever needing meds.  The journey continues....

And speaking of the journey there has been a lot going on with First Daughter and while I'm trying not to worry (and doing much better than when I lived with her) I still hope that everything will work out for her and send good vibes her way.  Its all I can do from so far away or I'd do more.  And that would be the worst thing I could do for her right now because she needs to accomplish this on her own.  She needs to prove to herself that she can.  That as an adult, she doesn't need a man to complete her or a mommy to pay her way.  And I know she knows she can and so do I, but it's still hard to watch them struggle.  

And speaking of struggle, I am also a bit concerned with First Son and his lack of communication.  While he has always been quiet, almost sullen at times, my gut tells me that something else is going on, but I can't put my finger on what it is and I don't want to jump to conclusions.  Mountains Out Of Mole Hills Woman was my Indian name, after Smokes Like Chimney ( I quit in 1999) and Shops With Plastic (I quit in 2003).  But my son is quiet and private, and he has opened up recently with some concerns about depression not just in his wife but in himself.  And if it's bad enough for him to discuss it's bad.  So I try not to worry, but then again....I am a mom.  

And speaking of mom, I miss my mom.  This last three months that I've been in Chicago I feel even closer to her than I have before.  I think I believed it was Second Daughters Mom that was hovering around, all ghost like, but now I think it may be both of them.  I have always felt my moms presence but she is very close now, and has been since I left Wisconsin.  

And speaking of Wisconsin, Mr. Hopeful and That Guy got together last week and haven't seen each other in a year.  I was there then, but not this time, and heard from them both after the 'event'.  Now you can imagine how much I wanted to know what he talked about but That Guy was a true friend to us both and said, "I must remain as Switzerland."  I guess in retrospect I really wasn't mad, but if the tables had been turned I would have given him more details.  It's a chick thing I guess.  

And speaking of guessing, Mr. Practical and I have been back to almost daily communication, even if its just a quick off line or check in to say Hi, how are you, and/or I'll be back.  He's had some interesting times with his wife and her issues and he, true to form, is standing by her while she gets help.  And so far she is trying which is good for them....but....well, lets just say his heart is here as well as there and while it doesn't upset him like it used to, it keeps me guessing as I believe it does him.  So we sigh and stare at each other and smile and write.  YES write together again.  It has been two years since we did that and it is helping us both.  I am more motivated than I have been in years to finally finish this novel, and have another one still purculating in the back of my mind.   And while we fantasize about writing together again, and a romantic weekends alone, it makes me wonder about love and how deep it actually goes.  I mean if you can be married like Mr. Practical and Mr. Hopeful and That Guy are, and love your wives, how can you love someone else as much.  I remember when I had an affair on Husband The Second, with Husband The Third, and after, both of them pleaded with me to work on my marriage.  But you see I couldn't work on a marriage that to me was over.  Because you see I couldn't have had an affair on Husband The Second if I'd loved him ENOUGH.  If I'd loved him as much as he was capable of loving.  And I did love him enough to understand that he deserved better than me.  That I wasn't able to love him as much as he loved me.  And so I set him free, even though he fought me on it at the time, I'm sure he understands now why I did it.  And I did it not knowing if Husband the Third would marry me or love me or even want me around, and in the beginning he did not.  So it wasn't like I knew what life would be, or if my journey would be happy.  I did the right thing instead of the selfish thing.  I could have kept Husband the Second and worked on my marriage and I bet we'd still be together and be somewhat happy...or not know the difference.  I love his wife and am blessed that we are still friends after all of that. 

And speaking of friends, I miss you all.  All the ones in Colorado, and Wisconsin, or Washington, or California, or wherever our paths first crossed in my journey.  I know I'll never see some of you again, but I hope I see most of you.  And I always see you in my mind and visit you in my heart.  

And speaking of my heart.....as bandaged up and banged up as it may appear, held together with staples and hot glue, I am content in waiting.  I wake up every day smiling and full of joy at the new day ahead and all it's possibilities.  At night I fondly remember those I want to be with the most.  And send them love.  My wish for you is the same.  Blessed Be.  Peace Out.  

Cheers.

Happy Mother's Day!

Or should I say Mother's Weekend.  :)  Its been a great Mother's day so far and it technically just started.  Sammy Bo Baggins wished me a happy mother's day in the only way he can....with slobbery kisses and allowing me to carry him around while I make morning coffee, and Second Son does all the other morning chores.  Ginger Snap, with just a tad bit of prompting as he was distracted by the TV, also hugged and kissed me and wished me a happy mother's day.  Second Son was first and Second Daughter is still sleeping.

I hope she doesn't have the same headache I have.  Last night she took me to see one of her theatre companies production of Midsummer Nights Dream.  One of my favorite comedies and she had done all the costumes for it.  So it was really cool to see them on people having seen her create them here.  Of course I met the company after and half of them came with us to The Public to have a drink...or two...and munchies.  Was my first night out at a bar in Chicago with strangers... well they started the evening out as strangers and ended it by calling me 'Ma'.  Good to know that some things never change.  All and all I had a great time putting faces to some of the people she creates with.  And I hope to run into them again, and see many more productions.

Second Son will be leaving soon to go and stand in line to get us a table at the restaurant that the boys are taking Second Daughter and me out to brunch.  In Chicago they don't do reservations for holiday's it's first come first serve.....and Mother's Day Brunch is a big deal.  If we don't get in line we won't get a table....you'd think they were showing Star Wars with brunch.

Yesterday was a great day for another very special reason.  Mr. Practical and I have started to try to write together...again.  Yes I know it's been years in coming, and it made us so happy.  Was how we started to fall in love, by stomping around in each other's minds.  Editing each other's writing is a very intimate and trusting relationship.  After all, our writing is as precious to us as, well children.  They are our children in a way.  And while we both still have novels we are trying to finish but have had little luck in doing so without each other.....we are trying.  We have started with some personal, slightly romantic, projects and so far its been very rewarding.  Brought back a lot of feelings for us both.  We had a video chat yesterday, which amounted to us mostly just smiling and staring.  In between Ginger Snap's brilliant Star Wars battle in the back ground....and sometimes foreground, and talking about everything.  Our lives, our hopes, our dreams for our futures both apart and well who knows....and basically how happy we are to still be in each other's lives, with joy and love.  No guilt or sadness or regret.  Just admitting that it is what it is and being able to accept that and not be afraid of the now or wonder too much about the future.  Just take it day by day and know that there is at least one person out there in the big cruel world that thinks you are kinda neat.

It may sound lonely to you or pathetic that something that small would make me so happy, but I know his heart and I know I have a special place in it.  I can see it in his eyes and smile and read it in his words.  And sometimes, that's enough.  It really takes so little to make me happy, and feel needed.

I have a long distance movie date with First Daughter for tonight, since I was at the play on our usual date night....and I expect I'll hear from First Son at some point in time, along with others of my 'kids'.....OH hey....my Margarita Vill/Pat Head kid just wished me a happy moms day, and so it begins.

I love all my kids, both the ones I gave birth to and the ones that have connected with me and call me Ma.  I'm always here for all of you as I know you are here for me.  And each of you have played an important part in my life in some way saving it, waking me up, keeping me on the straight and narrow, listening, celebrating, sharing, growing, learning and teaching me about life.  Keeping me young minded and current but respecting my generation and understanding that we are all a product of our generation.

I hope all the mom's have a great day in celebrating what being a mom really is.  The best gifts are your love and your time.  Remember that.  Opps....Sammy Bo Baggins is saying "Hi"  and "Ei-Ei-OOOOOH"  so I must go.

Cheers!

May The Fourth Be With You!

I was hoping to start my blog before Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins woke up but alas that was not to happen.  So as they play in the living room in great anticipation for Star Wars Day, I'm brewing coffee and sitting with you.  We have Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi left to watch and Ginger Snap wants to watch them both today.  My children, First Daughter and First Son, or Tato and Honey Bunny as they were originally called, will testify that Star Wars day is a big day in my house.  In fact it's not that my kids don't like Star Wars, its just, well, as they tell me....over exposure.  However, with that being said, whenever they run into someone that has never seen Star Wars their joint reactions are as follows:
1.  Shock and surprise cross their faces followed quickly by righteous concern.
2.  the following will escape their lips, "How were you raised?" "What?!" "We're watching it right now!"
3.  Honey Bunny grabs the nearest media and turns it on. Or has several options of format for the unsuspecting friend to choose from, which in itself can be overwhelming to a friend who sees them as NOT the rabid fan their mom is.

Ask Ladybird, who recently let it be known to the family that she had never seen Star Wars.  We made a Star Wars date and started her off on her journey....we were all present to observe her reactions, as if she were some kind of science experiment.  Fan Boys are the worst....wait a minute...I am one.  Oh well.

I am on to not actually introducing Ginger Snap to the series, but I am reminding him of it, as he was very young when first exposed, and being 7 now is just the perfect age to really get into them.  As for the Clone Wars, thanks to a suggestion by That Guy, I am the first exposure to that for him.  And it has been wonderful to see it all again through their eyes.  And yes, he does think Darth Vader is cool too.  hehehehee.

I must resist the temptation to allow them to use their power for evil.  I must keep them on the good track.  Because they are both so darn cute, it would be tragic to the female population years from now, if they don't.

Happy Star Wars Day everyone!