Sunday, March 29, 2015

Fixing A Hole

This morning I find myself at an unusual loss for words.  Not a writers block, on the contrary, a brand new story about the last five years of my life is running through my head.  So unfortunate that The Last Five Years is a title that is already wonderfully taken.  But more at a loss for how to say what’s in my heart.

As a survivor of abuse I’m used to the feelings of loss and disappointment.  I’m not used to feeling calm and content.  I felt it most with my children and I feel it a lot now with the kids I nanny (Beatle Boy and Flower Girl) and the ones I used to nanny, (Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins).  But I’m not used to feeling it alone, and this last year has given me that.

And I’m jealous for it.  I want the calm, content and safe feeling all the time.  I’m so tired of the worry and paranoia that comes from relationships.  This is my hermit phase, and I believe I’ve picked the perfect place for it.  Chicago.  A huge city that prides itself on its ability to have everything that New York and Los Angeles has, but it's a big secret.  Like Chicago’s past.  You gotta know someone to get in.  I like secrets.  And I like keeping them.  I like telling them too, but I like keeping them more.

I miss love, and I miss sharing my life with someone special but I don’t miss any of the drama that comes with relationships.  Now maybe I’ve picked the wrong types of men to be in relationships but that is probably due to the repressed nature of my abuse.  Now that it's not repressed anymore and I can see it for what it was, I see men in a very different light.  Especially the bad boy types I was attracted to, and thought I was helping.  Poor trained to be obedient me.  So gullible.  So wanting to believe.

I think that my attraction to Mr. Practical was about that.  He was not a typical bad boy.  He turned out to be one, but he didn’t fit the complete profile, quite the opposite.  He was the first man in my life that wanted me sober.  (Which was very flattering.)  And I’d have to say the opposite is also true, he was the first man I wanted sober that wasn’t gay.  LOL  So while that was not the ideal experience for either of us, it was the start of me wanting more for myself.  Wanting the whole package.  Wanting someone that I didn’t need to raise, or fix, or babysit.  And with last weeks amazing things that happened, I feel I’m on the right road.

I went out all by myself in the big, big city, to a wake that was set in an Irish pub for a Scottish woman, surrounded by so many people I didn’t know, and quite a few I did.  The introvert in me, the wounded warrior, tried to talk me out of it more than once during the day.  But I went.  And I had a great time.  And the friends I shared it with, or tried to, were all very happy and proud of me, because they know how hard a climb it has been back from Mr. Practical, Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Charisma.

But with the help of my favorite muses, and influences,  (Stevie Nicke, Neil Pert, Roger Waters, Stephen King, Dr. Who, X-Files, Supernatural, George RR Martin, Gilmore Girls, and Parenthood) I’ve found the noises in my head have quieted.  And I can think.  Really think.  About what is most important in my life, and who deserves to be a part of it.  I’m very selective now, and so if I include you in my personal day to day events, or try to, consider yourself trusted.  And if I don’t, I’m finally sure, that I’m missed.  That statement took a lot from such a broken soul.  It’s not ego, its repair work.


Sunday, March 22, 2015

Crime of The Century-or Anything for a Buck!

Yesterday I got bad medical news.  Not anything wrong with me, well not yet.  But I found out, through a referral system, that my current doctors, are not in my PPO.  So now, with a medical follow up that I really need to have done ASAP, I also need to find doctors within my PPO.  I know I should have researched it myself more, but I was under the impression that a reputable clinic of doctors would alert you that you were looking outside your network, so you could make an educated decision regarding weather or not you wanted to spend twice the amount for care.  And in fact they apologized and said that this never should have happened, me getting started with new doctors without that information.  My paranoid mind screams at me, “They will do ANYTHING for a buck!”  But I know this is not the case.  It may be criminal if intentional, but its not.  Just like not being able to change carriers during closed enrollment, seems criminal, “ANYTHING for a BUCK!” It's not either.  Just business.  LOL.  Didn’t the mafia use that as an excuse in Godfather for killing people…it's not personal its business?

I have found a hospital in my area that is within my PPO and will be contacting them on Monday morning to see if I can get in to see someone regarding my follow up, second opinion appointment.  Along with the Endodontist for my root canal.  Thats right.  My dentist referred me to a specialist for my root canal as two of the canals are clogged with calcium and they need to be unblocked or the root canal will always bring me pain and won’t be performed correctly.  I’m apparently all about specialists these days.  Like my daughter, I can’t just have something wrong that a regular MD or Internists can handle without a second opinion in their field.

Keep in mind, like most of you, I have a $5000 deductible on my health care, AND my dental insurance doesn’t cover root canals.  YAY.  WTF do I pay for insurance for if it doesn’t cover everything?  “ANYTHING….for a BUCK!”  Add to that I still owe Uncle Sam, which I am paying first and by some miracle, my dentist is very ok with this.  WOW.  And he didn’t charge me anything for the root canal work he’s done so far, only to discover that he can’t finish it.  Nice guys are out there.  Perhaps I should have wished for a nice guy to fall in love with instead of just a nice guy.  Turns out my nice guy is my dentist.  And my pocket book will benefit.  For now.  I’m sure this is going to be so expensive that I will be paying it off for a long long time.  But my taxes must come first.  And saving for next year and every year as well.  I think this along with the medical issue that I’m not prepared to discuss here yet, is a test to see how tightly I can budget.  How much more can I squeeze out of my paycheck to cover medical?  Well there was another test for Osteoporosis, that she wanted me to get, but since that’s not life threatening, and an expensive Xray, I’m not getting it yet.  Even if the new doctor thinks I should, and I’ll tell her why.  Maybe there is another option for preventative treatment of a perhaps issue.  I need to focus on the life threatening issues or pain issues first.  Like the tooth.  

I hate financial worries.  And it seems like my life has been plagued with them for my entire life.  I hate having to look at the price tag of something, of everything.  Especially food, and things we need to survive.  I should be trying to focus all my energy on thinking positive so the diagnosis is not life threatening, but having been though a cancer scare before, (there I said it) and been alright, I’m finding that I’m not as scared this time about that, and more worried about the cost.  You see the last time this happened I was on state medical care, so I had to pay nothing for treatment.  And I was employed then too.  But like most of you made poverty level income.  Now I make just above that, and have to afford my own insurance.  Which sucks really.  But doesn’t at the same time.  And I get paid in cash so I could lie and say I don’t make anything and still get a free ride.  “ANYTHING for a buck?” But how would I live with myself?  And how could I prove how I live?  There is so much to living a life of crime that I just don’t understand how to do.  And I guess in the end, that’s a very good thing too.


Sunday, March 15, 2015


In My Humble Opinion
What is so scary about that?  Why do people run from a humble opinion, or honest one?  Or is that too many people see humble opinions as not honest ones?  I understand pain and lack of trust.  I familiar moments doubt and insecurity.  I’m acquainted with paranoia and self-fulling prophecy.  But what I don’t understand is anger when I’m being honest.

I had an experience yesterday with a friend, who got angry at my opinion because it differed from hers.  She said it was because I couldn’t just be happy for her, but I had said I was happy for her earlier on in the conversation.  Which is true, if she is satisfied then who and I to not be happy.  However when she first mentioned this issue, she asked me for an honest opinion and I gave her one. One that she didn’t like.  I think it was more that she was not expecting it and immediately when she thought about it disagreed.  Even with new information, my opinion hasn’t changed all that much, due to my own life experience.  I don’t think she expected that, I also think her judgement is clouded in this area because she is too close to the situation.  As we all are when we are asking for opinions.

Now keep in mind here that I gave very little if any advice, since she didn’t ask what to do, just what I thought.  Thats a hard line to walk, but I’m getting better at it.  When I was younger I used to only give advice because I figured that’s what people really wanted when asking for an opinion, it’s not.  I learned that the hard way.

See I come from a long line of very brutally honest women, and I while that trait has caused me to lose a few friends along the way its also given me several wonderful ones who are as honest with me.  And I wouldn’t trade them for the other type for anything in the world.  I know when one of my honest friends, who isn’t afraid of the truth or an alternate opinion, tells me something, that it’s real.  With everyone else, I’m skeptical.  What’s their reason for telling me this?  Is it because they have my best interests at heart or is it some hidden agenda I know nothing about?

This kind of fear is left over from the childhood abuse I suffered, and from my upbringing to always be on the look out, after that time.  Its left me with many scars and not so hidden armor.  The up side to all of this is that to be so honest with everyone around me, I had to start with myself.  And that journey has not only been difficult and painful but illuminating and joyous.

For the first time in my life I’m alone.  My children are grown up and my apartment is my own.  My life is finally my own.  And I thought I’d be very sad when this happened, but the last year has been a comfortable, relaxing quiet that only parents with small children can appreciate.  And I’m a nanny for my day gig.  So I still long for the giggles and the sound of children.  It’s a joyous thing, believe me.  But I’m glad it’s only 10 hours a day.  I have become very greedy of my alone time.  There is a healing comfort in being able to be alone and not be lonely or guilty or afraid.  Three emotions that abused children carry with them as adults all the time.  It surrounds us like a cloud of anger.  We jump or startle at the slightest touch that we don’t expect, and it makes us seem edgy and nervous.  And well we are.  We don’t know you.  And if our abuse came from a family member or a person of trust like it usually does, well, we trusted and knew them and look what happened.  How do you expect us to react to a person we don’t know?

Opinions are something we all have and judgements we all make.  Usually snap ones.  But most of us don’t want to hear someone else’s opinion if it differs from our own.  I’m not like that.  I welcome the intelligent debate or conversation that will occur.  As long as it stays intelligent and not an opportunity to try and change my mind with some kind of force.  Unless its consensual,  having survived more than one rape, I’m not a fan of force.


Sunday, March 8, 2015

Matter Of Trust - Billy Joel

It has been a great year of self discovery.  Not surprisingly I rediscovered that I do enjoy my own company probably above all others.  And I don’t need a man to complete me.  Or a woman, for those of you that have that luxury of being able to pick from both genders.  But for me it’s always been picking from the guys isle.  And men are easy and stupid when it comes to affairs of the heart, or even just listening to their other head, instead of their mind.  But that wasn’t something I rediscovered.  The fact that I have major trust issues is.

After a lot of thought over the past two days it dawned on me that my trust issues are why I’m alone and why none of my romantic relationships have worked.  It isn’t the men I’ve loved, its me.  I don’t trust anyone.  And my trust issues have become monstrous.  The example that happened that made me understand this is when I sold the car.  I have a bill of sale and an affidavit and they are cutting the check and overnighting it to me on Monday.  This is a reputable dealer, not some guy on crags list.  And I know from experience selling cars that the people who cut checks aren’t there on the weekends, but it’s the only time I can be.   In the same situation we would have done the same thing.  (We being the place where I used to sell cars)  And I left still not trusting.  Still assuming something bad would happen, because as First Son says, “That’s just my luck.”  Damn it.  I taught him that.  I’d apologize to him here but he doesn’t read my blog.  TMI.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, that I was upsetting myself for no good reason.  The check will come.  Yes, it’s the oldest con and excuse in the books, but I really am being silly.  And I realized I had been silly like this in love as well.

In every marriage and in every relationship, I looked for the weak spot in him, the area where he would fail, and I assumed that would happen.  Not wished for it, but watched for it.  And in each time it became a self fulling prophecy.  Not because I was right. AHA!  But because my attitude of not trusting actually pushed them to cheat, or lie, or become less intimate, or drink, well, being an alcoholic was not my fault, so husband number one does not get a free ticket, and Mr. Charisma was so full of weak spots when I met him that he never stopped any of them with me and I was just fooling myself so he doesn’t get a free ticket either, but the rest do.

The other thing that hit me was the old adage ‘birds of a feather’  and some of my best friends throughout the years, have also had major trust issues.  Some of my romances as well.  I even had That Guy say to me this weekend that he trusts no one.  Including me, and we’re good friends….?  Doesn’t make sense does it.  But I’m the same way.  And I know it now.  And it’s going to be hard to fix, but in knowing what the problem is I’m closer to understanding how to fix it.

Where did it come from?  Well obviously for me from the rapes and attacks at 12 from family and close friends of my parents.  Being a mistress I’m sure didn’t help, and my moms own deep paranoia as she gave her fears to me.  (Cue The Wall).  But as I grew up I have been transferring that lack of trust and fear to everyone.  And it's only because I was so young when it happened.  When my childhood trust was shattered by my cousin and my mothers boyfriend all in the same year.  I don’t know why, as intelligent as I believe I am, that I didn’t get some therapy myself sooner than two years ago.  I know back in the 70s’ it wasn’t as common or looked on as something that would help and I know my mom didn’t believe in it.  But I think it would have helped.

Now since I really can’t afford that kind of help, I am trying to do what I know helps me and if you are like me maybe this will help you.  Indian bowl mediation is a wonderfully relaxing technique for focus, and any medication helps me.  Exercise.  Its good for me and helps me focus as well.  I try to limit the negative self talk.  When I catch myself thinking, “What will this person do to harm me?” I stop now.  I know it’s only been two days.  But on the way home from selling the car, on the long two trains and two busses, a fellow traveler reached out to me and spoke.  And instead of being in my iPhone world, I responded.  We talked for two trains together until our travels separated us.  And he was very interesting.  Too bad he’d be a much better match for my daughter than me. 26 and from Romania, and cute, and intelligent and very green and organic.  We didn’t exchange numbers but he look genuinely sad when I left knowing our paths would never cross again.  And I hope he has a great life and I was proud of myself for responding in a friendly and intelligent manner.  We had the best conversion about government and whats wrong with this country.  So much more fulfilling than my average daily conversion with the children I nanny for, (LOL) or with most of my girlfriends where they only are interested in talking about what man they are chasing or is chasing them.  Or even with some of my guy friends where it's gaming or whats new, and nothing ever really changes.

I am trying hard to be my own best friend,  and trying to trust that everyone is not going to hurt me, is the first step.  There is a huge difference between being organized and prepared, and being paranoid and afraid.  I am both, so I get confused.  I will update next week.  And I’m sure all this worry will have been for nothing.  As all my worry has always been.


Sunday, March 1, 2015

The Jury Is Still Out

If you know me you know I value honesty and loyalty above all.  This can be a slippery slope when you are dealing with the heart.  I know I’m two faced in this area, but I think we all are.  I think we all want someone to be honest with us, even if it hurts.  Just to tell it like it is, especially the special one that we think of every morning and every night.  This might not be the person you are sleeping next to so listen up.

But honesty where the heart is concerned, is not always easy.  But in my experience it is the only way to go.  I try to be honest without hurting, but sometimes the questions are just too important to leave hanging for a hope or Fate to make them understand.  So I blurt out the hard questions.  The ones that make you think.  The ones that will arm you with power so you are not surprised later, as I have been.

When you can ask yourself the hard questions, then you know you are being honest with yourself.  The hardest person to be honest with.  Now you may be asking yourself, you can’t be serious in situations of cheating how can you be honest without losing either your mate or your  lover.  And thats exactly why its important to be honest.

If you can tell your spouse anything, even about cheating, then you have an area to work on fixing your relationship. Or in understanding that there is nothing left to fix.  I believe love changes with time and there will be times when you think you have fallen out of love, but if it was real, you haven’t.  Its just growing together, always requires some time growing apart.  And sometimes you may reach for a woman like me that is lonely, and friendly and intelligent and fun.  And sometimes that may be all you need to get you back on track with your spouse.  And sometimes it may be all you need to make you understand that you neither love me or your spouse and get the courage to move on and be happy.

I have had the unfortunate Fate to understand this and fit right into this role without breathing or thinking about the consequences.  There are more of us around than you think.  The Goddess that is the reflection of everyman’s desire.   And yet still alone.  Look at Stevie Nick’s life if you don’t believe me.  There are a lot of us.  Women who just want to love and be loved.  And live in the moment of that expression.  Marriage to us is a man made law and not natural.  Especially monogamous relationships, it’s not natural to our natures and one of the scientific reasons why we cheat.   I wonder how many of the Salem witches were such women.  Misunderstood by more then their religion or craft.

I personally would rather have a love that can tell me anything and still want to work out being with me, than someone that cheats behind my back and I’m the last to know.  I’d rather be the mistress than the wife.  And believe me, I’ve been both enough to know.