Sunday, October 27, 2013

When Harry Met Sally

Happy Anniversary to us.  One year ago last night Mr. Charisma and I took a step together.   A step along a path that would change our lives forever.  It wasn't the first time we met, although I must admit I can hardly remember meeting him, since it was two years ago at Mr. Hopeful's birthday party.  My mind was not on meeting new people, but Mr Charisma remembered me, and although we didn't see each other for almost a year after that, I'm betting it was a fond remembrance.  When we met the second time it was through our mutual business connections.  He was a vendor for a supply company that the company I worked for ordered from, so it was strictly business....Until a year ago last night.

We had both been invited to a birthday party of a mutual friend of ours.  I didn't really expect to run into him but was very pleased when I did, as other than our mutual friend, I knew no one else at this gathering.  I have since come to know some of them much better, which I'm also happy about, for they are all good people.

Mr. Charisma and I fell instantly in lust, with a lot of suggestive flirting, and just plain talking.  I enjoyed his company and I could tell he didn't want to let anyone else get too close to me, and pretty much monopolized my attention the entire party.  From restaurant to bar, to bar, to dancing, to bar, and back to my place.  The lust was obvious, and the love quickly followed. This was a huge surprise to us, as we were in very different places emotionally and mentally; AND with other people at the time.  We tried not to love each other, and almost successfully pushed each other away several times over the last year, but our love just keeps reaching out for each other.  And eventually, six months ago he took another huge step along a path toward me, and got away from that other relationship.

We have discovered so much about each other that no one else bothered to have the love, understanding or patience to discover.  And have helped each other in very deep and healing moments.  We end up having more patience than we would with each other than anyone else.  More understanding, more desire to understand, and more ability to change into better people.  You see changing with someone when you are in love is a good thing.  Being willing to admit to yourself that you want to be a better person, not for yourself only but for this other human you have met and fallen so in love with that you want them to be proud of you.  Love you.  See the best side of you.  And so you try harder.  They say we always hurt the ones we love, the ones we shouldn't hurt at all.  And I think that's true too, but it shouldn't be.  We shouldn't hurt the ones we love because we know they will forgive us.  We shouldn't become lazy in love or complacent because we won her (or him) so now we don't have to try as hard.

Mr Charisma showed up on my door step with red roses and pink tiger lilies.  My two favorite flowers which he did not know.  He swept me away to one of our special restaurants for a romantic dinner.  This is a new place we discovered together, with very good food, and reasonably priced and they are so wonderful there and treat us like they know us every time we go.  I guess we are regulars now.  Your anniversary restaurant is an important choice.  I thought he might pick the restaurant of our friends birthday, but I'm glad he picked the one he did.  It means more to me that he would pick a place the he felt was just ours.  I've always loved our Saturday nights/Sunday mornings, but this week he really out did himself.  And by all reports my trip to Victoria Secrets was well worth it.


Sunday, October 20, 2013

Fortress Around Your Heart - Sting

A lot of words have been tossed around over the last four it been that long?  The "starting over" or "seeing each other anew" has been a very interesting experiment.  You see when Mr. Charisma and I met we weren't completely ourselves.  I'm not saying we completely misrepresented ourselves, but lets just say, our flirty, playful, and sex-starved selves were really out to play that night.  That being said, once that self-image was discovered, by both, we realized we actually might just like each other WAY beyond attraction.  And I mean this word 'attraction' in all its facets.  Both mentally and physically -- the heart and mind united, in a single, perfect, sphere....(ah...Neil,  thank-you)

And over the almost year now that we have been unable to stop touching each other, or anxiously waiting a comment on an important daily event, or say good morning, and good night...every single day....even if angry or disappointed in each other.  Our connection both physical and mental, (here's where we both trust one over the you can't guess which one is ya.)  is very strong and seems no matter how hard we both try to sever it, it just can't be broken.  WTF? is wrong with this stupid connection!  Doesn't it know that it pisses us both off to find out that we might just be made for each other?!  REALLY?  0_O  Where we are alike we are so alike, but where we are different we are like polar opposites that not only attract each other, but actually NEED to learn from each other.  NEED to have met and been together.  Or, hopefully BE together.  Just breathing and be....that's the hardest part for two lovers who have met in their individual journeys, coming from to very different directions, but somehow having met at the same place.  With the same unfulfilled needs.

I understand why I have met him and why now, and why he is in my life; and I hope after this time together from last night through to tomorrow morning, if I'm lucky, he will understand why he has met  

We are committed to trying, and in understanding that we just can't live without each other.   Sometimes that is a really hard thing to admit.  Especially if you honestly feel like you are meant to be on a solo journey.  Or you feel you only hurt those you love and have a wake of lost souls and broken hearts behind you.  Hard to admit that you may have not only met your match, but your compliment.

It must be love, because I can't explain it.  It just is...

"And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire"


Sunday, October 13, 2013

Beyond the Veil

New connections with familiar loves are very possible.  You have to let down your defenses, no matter how you accomplish this, it must be done.  Once your defenses are down, the next step is crucial.  Listen.  Listen with your mind, not your heart.  Have your heart ready to feel, and give you important input, but do not let your heart be your guide in this.  Especially if you are passionate.  Especially if your emotions are like the ocean, forever ebbing and flowing, increasing in velocity until a gentle loving brush against the sand becomes a hurricane of fear bashing against the shore.

Your mind will be your guide and you will be able to reason yourself out of the torrent and into the eye of the storm.  Where, if successfully listening to your intellect, you will be able to calm your emotions to a rational, and logical state of awareness.  THIS is how growth is accomplished for me.  This is how I handle immediate hurts and when I'm successful I do not blow up.  When I am not, is when the storm comes.

This week I had several moments of clarity, in which old, and thought healed hurts, were revisited by comparison.  My heart shut me down.  Made me believe that because it felt like an old hurt it would BE a new one.  Made me not trust, or even want to try.  That's not because I'm not in love or trust him.  It's because the old hurts were not healed.  The old pain of being tossed aside for another were still very raw.  Sad really, because I was sure I had conquered that.  Sure my confidence was real, not armor.  Sure that my ability to forgive and move on was real and not just 'what I should do.'  Not just what he needed me to do.

I have always known that I chose men that found me attractive.  That choose me first.  I have come to understand this might not be the best way to find a mate.  (laughing at myself here)  But it has been fun in finding sex partners.  Unfortunately I want more than just sex from my partners.  I don't just connect with sex.  I connect first with my intellect, then very, very firmly with sex.  As an almost exclamation point to the wonderful mental connection I have already established.  But why do I wait to see who choses me?  Why don't I choose?  I could say it's because I'm shy, but I doubt any of you that know me personally would agree with this.  But it could be true.  I could say it's because I'm afraid of rejection.  That sounds more like me, as a writer, actress, lover...pretty much the entire risk categories of my hobbies.  (I know that sounds bad, lover as a hobby...not sure I mean that, but DAMN when sex is good its fun, and hobbies should be fun.   But until one of my lovers decides, once and for all, that I'm the one, I guess I have to consider all sex as fun instead of love....this saddens me, but it may be true.  Not sure yet.)

I have found out, after having Mr. Charisma read my screenplay Regrets, that he does this too, and have done this in our past...choose only the ones that have chosen us first.  And basically this has not worked for us.  Now I know you are asking, how is this true?  How can you be together if you both wait?  Well the night we got together we both did wait.  I saw immediately how much he was into me, and I let him continue to flirt and I flirted back, until I saw that he wanted to take me home....but he never closed the deal.  He couldn't.  I didn't know this then.  All I saw was a player, a guy out on the town trying to hook up, while he told other gals that were texting him, that he was busy.  Including his relationship at the time,  boy, did I feel desired.  At this point I felt he had chosen me, so I allowed it to go farther than I ever have with anyone else, publicly.  (Yay!  Slutty growth! Or if you watch Scandal, "We have a slutty President problem.")--But growth, none the less.  He had no idea that I wasn't this way with all the boys.  See the problem yet?  Anyway, I finally closed the deal and we ended up at my place.  For him that was me choosing him.  So we both waited.

And now it feels like we are in love and both still waiting.

Waiting for the other to be who we think we know, and seeing the real person, not the images we met under, has been eye opening, intense, intellectual, growth inspiring, healing, painful, cathartic, sexually healing, hopeful, calming, frustrating, surprising, passionate, curious, probing, and honest.

I think all of that is worth keeping.  And I want this man in my life forever.  I just don't know how to make that happen.  And my big brain keeps telling me that is good, because that will keep me interested and trying.  And my big heart keeps telling me, its worth it.


ps.  he liked the screenplay so much he wants to read the novel I wrote that inspires it...have to find it.  And he is curious about the fantasy novel I was writing with Mr. Practical.  Which I have e-mailed to him to read.  And now I am wanting to write again.  Stay tuned on this.  This could be big.

Sunday, October 6, 2013


A lot happened again this week on the Mr. Charisma front, but I'm not talking about that, because there is nothing I can do for him.  And it only makes me sad.  

This week I'm going to share with you my first test drive.  Not a test drive from work, like every day for a customer deciding on a car.  But a REAL test drive, of a prototype vehicle from my training class on Friday.  I can't show you any pictures of video, because well, I didn't take any.  But also because it's a prototype and we weren't allowed.  But I wish I could have.  The vehicle was the new Jeep Cherokee that is coming out at the end of the year.  And the three classes on technology, capability and safety were informative.  Took a ton of notes that I didn't end up needing because they gave us a goodie bag at the end, and one of the items in it was a preloaded JEEP flash-drive of the print material.  (My favorite was the JEEP hat!  Score!)  After all the training, my group moved on to the drive.  Two obstacles courses awaited me.  One was the 4WD course and the other was the speed course.  I've never been on a professional test drive of a vehicle before it was deemed ready for the public.  Was very exciting.  Not to get into selling mode here, but the new Jeep Cherokee has three different drive systems in it for 4WD, the Active Drive 1, Active Drive 2 and Lock.  We tested all the base 4WD, Active Drive 1's.  and WOW.  OMG I can't imagine needing more power,  or ground clearance than that.
There were five different "terrain" sections on the 4WD course:
1. one uneven ramp to simulate 2 and 1 WD.  So the Jeep is tilted to one wheel going over it, all four times.
2.  Mt. Jeep, to simulate a steep uphill and plateau, then down hill.  Was like driving over a garage.
3. several very thick ropes in S curves to simulate a river bed
4.  about 10 feet of huge boards, like 2x4s but much thicker and in different depths, to simulate a very rough road.
5 speed bumps, to simulate well, speed bumps.

We drove that course four times in groups of two for the 6 cylinder and the 4 cylinder....once as a passenger once as the driver.   Watching the other students do the course was the scariest for me, as I have very old experience with 4WD.  You know the 70's kind of 4WD....get out, lock the hubs, get back in, go.  This is all automatic.  We didn't even have it set for mud, snow, sport, or rock.  We had it set on auto.  And the Jeep just knew what to do, by the way the wheels spun. Then the differential would take over, and apply the power to the wheels that were actually able to get traction, while breaking would automatically clamp down on the spinning wheel to put power where you needed it to keep moving forward.  Keep moving forward....that's my motto right now.  Or rather, Jeeps motto....Life is calling.  I like that one too.

Anyway this was my very first drive, and I was nervous.  But I didn't topple one cone, and the professional drivers they have guiding you from the outside, like for airline pilots at take off, were great.    I was amazed that I didn't have to do anything, but use some common sense.  Not floor it.  :)  Just a slight suggestion of acceleration and the Jeep did the rest and got me out of every one of the simulated road hazards.  Of course with Jeep they aren't hazards, they are fun!  And I thought I wanted one before the class.  It was like a roller coaster.  Filled with awe and amazement and wanting to keep going again and again.

The speed course also had five challenges:
1 & 2.. Hard acceleration to a accident avoidance swerve lane change and hard break
3. Sound test over pavement breaks like on a highway
4.  Slalom
5. 10 mile and hour pot holes

In the speed test we got to drive a Jeep, Toyota RAV 4, Honda CRX and Ford Escape.  And none of them had the acceleration, or control of the Jeep.  None of them could even do the first two of the 4WD test and had to drive around them both to the last three easy ones.  And on the boards they bottomed out!    I know all these other SUVs claim they can do and have what Jeep has, but their testing is not like ours and they can't do as much as easily.  I was very impressed with my brand vs the others and found that information very valuable for my customers who are shopping.

On the speed course I lost a few cones, but we all did.  We were in groups of four for that course, and all of us in our team were very different drivers.  The aggressive driver in my group pushed each car to it's limits much more than I did.  But by the third drive through, I had found my comfort zone and pushed the Jeep to the limits on the slalom.  He said, "You'll never make it"  I could see out of the corner of my eye my shotgun grab the "oh shit handles"  as I maneuvered it steering sharply between the slalom curves,  the Jeep responded to my slightest suggestion and I didn't loose a cone.  He yelled with glee from the back seat as if I were his little sister getting it down from his example, "You made it!  Good Job!"  We all laughed like kids.  The girl can drive.  ;)

All in all a long day but a very fun one, full of meeting new people and driving.  (Two additional paragraphs on how I'm REALLY feeling deleted.  YAY personal growth!)