Sunday, April 28, 2013

Why Worry - Dire Straits

""Baby, when I get down I turn to you 
And you make sense of what I do 
I know it isn't hard to say 
But, baby, just when this world seems mean and cold 
Our love comes shining red and gold 
And all the rest is by the way 

Why worry? 
There should be laughter after pain 
There should be sunshine after rain 
These things have always been the same 
So why worry now? 
Why worry now?"

I understand these lyrics.  I really do.  I've had men say them to me for years.  "Don't worry, I'll worry enough for both of us."  Or "No surrogate worrying!"  and the ever popular, "Worrying will never change the outcome so why worry?"  

Why worry?
Because you can.  You have a brain.
And you can think of the several outcomes that Fate can throw at you.  And to not plan for the possibilities is tempting Fate.  And we all know how bad that can be.  However, some things just can't be planned for, or controlled.  This fact of life has always been hard for me.  I can't control the actions of other people.  Damn them for having as much free will as me!  Damn them for not being controlled in my universe!  Damn them for living their lives as they see fit instead of the way I want them to!  (heavy sarcasm there, for those of you that need that kind of thing explained).  This thought process of everything connected, like the typical female brain, can drive you insane.  Especially if you are a man and not use to it.  

Men think differently.  Its a fact.  They can think about a problem and solve it, or solve it for now, and file it away in a neat little box in their brain.  Then they can come back to it when it is necessary...when someone or something prompts opening that box again.  They don't worry as much as women either.  The reason is because women don't file things away separately.  Everything is connected so every problem is connected to some other issue that may be another problem all by itself.  But because everything is connected our brains are more like a buzzing hive of activity.  Always thinking, always worried about the 'what if'....and men...well they will jump off  that 'what if' bridge if it ever comes.  

This doesn't mean that some women can't be spontaneous as men. (I know I worry like a woman, but I am spontaneous like a man....or like Scarlet O'Hara...."Oh fiddle-de-de, I'll worry about that tomorrow.")  Or that some men worry about everything, but it's usually very serious stuff that makes a man worry.  Where a woman can truly worry about things that seem small to a man, but in fact are huge when connected to the big picture.

I find it all very fascinating since I'm very worried.  Yep.  You guessed it.  About a lot of things. :D  But for today, at least, I will try to put them aside and enjoy my plans for the day and evening.  If I'm successful my blog next week will be about fun stuff.  Not stuff I'm worried about.  

Like this weeks should have been about two friends of mine getting married last night.  If you are long term readers of my blog you may remember a Weinerfest marriage proposal with a video on You-Tube with me and the future bride and groom (B and A...'initials only please') and Pat McCurdy...yeah...well that wedding happened yesterday.  And it was beautiful.  And it made me worry a bit about my future with the man I'm in love with now.  Not because I doubt what I feel, but because I will probably never believe that anyone can love me as much as I love them. Or as much as I witnessed last night.  Don't get me wrong.  I believe in love and am a hopeless romantic.  I'm just always amazed when I receive it. When it's honest and open and sure.  Like what my friends have.   

Here's hoping that I can learn that worry does not change the outcome.  Sounds a lot like faith.  Not good with faith.  I asked Mr. Practical about faith the other day.  About how he has faith that his wife loves him, and he said,"It's not faith so much as confidence in the proof of her actions toward me".  Wow.  I can get behind that idea much more than, "have faith in our love".  See I've had faith in love before and it bit me on the ass.  And not in a good way.  So I think I'll have faith in the proof of what I'm shown.  From everyone in my life.  Maybe that's the secret to being treated well.  


Sunday, April 21, 2013

Time - Floyd and Parsons

Time is not my friend today, nor was it yesterday.  I feel like the time I get to do the things I want to do is never enough, even while I'm doing them, I feel it racing away.  What's worse is when I end up wasting time by arguing or doing things I've committed to do, but no longer want to do them.  And haven't I always been the woman that said, "You must do what you feel is right." (thank you Obi-Wan) and "If you aren't enjoying something then stop doing it.  Life is too short."  And yet, here I am not just wanting...needing to use what little time we have together as positively as I can.   Trying to fill a lifetime in to two days or two hours, is very difficult.  Hell, it's impossible.  But I try.  I try to communicate, and I am misunderstood.  I try to change, and I feel like I'm making a mistake.  Change for me is both a very slow process and happens quickly.
"Plus ca change
Plus c'est la meme change
The more that things change
The more they stay the same"
                                         "Circumstances - Rush"

And so today I 'm going to reflect on what needs to be done within myself to not only remain happy, and fulfilled, but to remain true to myself.  You may think this is easy but it is not.  For I have always given in to the change as a necessary evil.  Something that needed to be done to save a relationship.  Now I'm faced with a situation where I'm not being asked to change, but to grow and learn together.  Something I helped to set in motion and something I've always dreamed existed, but never had.  And now that I have it, I'm so afraid of it, that I'm jumping to conclusions.  Accusing without reason out of fear from the past, and my experiences with men.  My perspective changes so quickly, and almost daily now, that I'm having a hard time trusting my emotions.  I feel both swept away and on guard.  Both exposed and vulnerable, and barricaded behind walls.  Worse yet, my actions are making a fragile situation even more so, and I am afraid to move or speak my mind for fear of facing heartbreak and illusions once again.  

My past is haunting me, and I know I can no longer run from it.  Facing it, healing myself from the pain I have caused myself, is my only option.  And yet, there are moments and days where I don't know how anymore.  Some days, I don't even care or want to try.  The thought of going back into a box of agreement kills my heart.  Kills my love.  Shatters my illusions.  And makes me just want to sleep until it all goes away.  One more piece of drama and I'm likely to do just that.  A grey cloud hangs over my future, making it difficult to see through.  I can see someone just beyond it, an outline, fuzzy but definite, reaching out to me, waiting for me to catch up.  And I want to reach out and come out of the fog, but I'm afraid to trust.  Anyone.  Yet the only other solution is emotionless unfulfilled relationships, and having tasted love and complete acceptance, even if it was brief, I"m hungry for it again.  I just don't know if I can survive it.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

I'm going to be very honest today with what is on my mind, and it is going to shock the people that are suddenly interested in my life and think they will get to know all about me via reading my blog.  I'm not going to talk about what I should talk about this morning, because I've already told the only person that matters what I'm feeling today, and why.   But I am going to set the record straight on what this blog is for, it's for me.  Its not a confessional, I don't believe in confessing publicly to heal, or to be forgiven, and frankly I don't need forgiveness from strangers, that may be reading this.  And my friends and family, well they don't see anything to forgive when I'm this happy and confident.  When  I say that it's for me, it's exactly that.  A way to get the CGB ideas out of my head. And on the page.  On the page I can see them, hear them, and believe that they are fears and nothing more.  And fear is the little death, fear is the mind killer...or some such quote that Frank Herbert taught me eons ago.

You see I like to write.  I use to do it every some form, weather in poetry, screenplays, novels, journals, somehow I'd write...but in the last three years, since my life has turned upside down, I've been blocked.  I haven't been able to put much of a dent in finishing the second draft of my novel, much to Mr. Practical's disappointment.  My personal romantic life and career has been, shall we say, up and down during this time period.  Trying to find a career, midlife, that I am good at and enjoy has been a hard road, and then there is the unfortunate timing of falling in love with a man, (or two?)  that I was willing to change my life and my morals for.  Again, no matter how this 'reads' I'm not bragging about my choices, far from it.  I'm talking about my circumstances...very different thing.  And hoping that with my open discussion, I can not only help myself, but my readers.  Especially if they are going through or have gone through similar situations.  Just to know that you are not alone in life, in what you are feeling and experiencing, can be the difference between depression and resolution.

This understanding that love can make you see things very differently than you had originally thought you could, is somehow both expected and unexpected.  I always expect my loves to be greater, as they occur, than the last love.  After all, if they didn't then I'd still be in love with that guy in high school that I married.  But we grow and change in our lives continually, if we are living life that is.  And in that growth we may have to change partners in our journey.  I know I have, many times.  See here is where you might think I'm bragging, but that's just your own thought...I'm not.  I'm actually very sad at the thought that I've had to change partners during my life journey.  That I couldn't have just had my entire journey with the man I've chosen now.  But then again, I wouldn't have been ready for him, then.  I had to get to this point, and I got here by doing exactly what I did. LIVE my life, in my way.  The exact same thing you do.  Live your life your way.

So before you sling arrows, (and I so want to name names here, but I wont)  before you call the kettle black, look at yourself and realize there are people out there that will think your journey is the wrong way to live, but they are wrong.   Because however you chose to continue 'into the woods' and live your life, even if like my life, the choices have been thrust upon you by loves that have left you 'halfway through the woods', its still your choice, and your journey.  And you must embrace your life as the star of your own mini movie.  If you think this is self-fish...look again.  Because it is not.  It is self love and self respect to make yourself happy instead of miserable.  This is your only shot at life, make sure that you do as Jim Morrison (or Val Kilmer in the movie) challenged you to do.

" The movie will begin in five moments, the mindless voice announced.  All those unseated will await the next show.  We filed slowly, languidly into the hall.  The auditorium was fast and silent.  As we seated and were darkened, the voice continued, The program for this evening is not new.  You've seen this entertainment through and through.  You've seen your birth, your life and death.  You might recall all the rest.  Did you have a good world when you died?  Enough to base a movie on?"


Sunday, April 7, 2013

The Calm Before The Storm

This week has been a good week again all the way around.  Sold another car yesterday, and am feeling like I know more and more what I am doing there.  Although I will never know it all, I am getting very educated about cars.  And my romantic life is still going along smoothly.  The only concern is that this month we are both going to be so busy with work and family events that we may not be able to see each other too much this month.  And by that I mean it will seem like very little to us but we will still get in at least a night or two each week.  Lately it's been four or five nights a week, and I love him so much for finding the time to do that.
I've been avoiding a topic because I don't want to discuss it here, but it weighs heavily on my mind.  And it has to do with respect and moral values and what the heart wants.

Its a fine line I walk between what I need to tell him and what I feel like I can tell him.  What things no longer are important from your past?  What things are?  Do I want to know everything...No...I can say that very honestly.  I don't.  Unless being with me trumps that past, then it's okay.  But I have a torch that I carry, for Mr. Hopeful, and I am so use to carrying it, that I'm scared I will not be able to drop it, when the time comes.  And yet this is something I must do.  I cannot and will not lead him on, and yet I find it very sad to think of my life without him in it in some fashion.  I'm hoping we can be the friends we always have been, but depending on his point of view that may be impossible.  I would have already discussed this with him, but he never has any time for us anymore, part of why Mr. Charisma was given an opportunity to fill that void.  And in the beginning I honestly believed that was exactly all he was.  How foolish of me to still not understand how I work, what I want, and believe that when I see it I will go after it, like I did with him.  Haven't I always?

Here I stand, with two trails laid out in front of me, and both look equally interesting, and equally hard to traverse, with wooded areas that block the path and twists and hills that I might not dare alone, but I know I won't be alone on one of them, on the other I most likely would be for most if not all of it.  And while I know I'd be happy on either, I'd rather not be alone.  And deep down inside I know I'm happier with someone along with me for the journey.  Isn't that what life is all about?  Having someone to share your life with, someone you love and can't get enough of, no matter what you are doing? Someone you are willing to change your life to be with, and grow with because it just feels wrong not to...?

I know I'm in love, (no matter how many times I try to talk myself out of it....hormones again...DAMN HIM for starting my clock again!)  and I know he is too (no matter how many times he thinks he should be alone and lonely to grow and figure himself out), and no matter how strange things get or how hard it may become from either side, I don't care as long as I have his hand to hold.  And know that he is always on my side and eager to listen and help.

I hate that this conversation has to happen, and yet I know once it can I will feel somewhat relieved.  I hope it turns out that he is too, and we can still be close friends who care about our lives, like me and Mr. Practical.  After all, you just don't know what the future will bring, and great loves never really die, they just adapt to what is needed at the time, and continue sometimes unknowing, softly supporting like a lovers whisper, sometimes heralded loudly like an overture.  But if its real, it never really goes away.  And believing this is the real reason I don't want to know every detail about his past.  I'm too insecure to know that he has loves like this too.  That his heart is just like mine in its ability to love deeply and forever, no matter who he is with at the time.  What we are both coming to grips in understanding is that all the past loves, while great, and wonderful, do not hold a candle to our love.  That's also the scary part.  The part that makes us both rethink so much of what we feel.  The good news is that it is only for a brief moment that we doubt not only how great we both feel we are, but how lucky we are that we love each other.  That we found each other.