Sunday, May 27, 2012

Look It UP! And while you're at it Look UP!

ALONE:  CORE MEANING:  A grammatical word meaning without any other person or thing nearby
Sub Meanings:  Without help from others.  Without company.  Unique in some respect.  Done without others.

LONELY:  Feeling alone.  Isolated.  Without companionship or support. 

Hum....I thought I was alone and lonely....but by the definition of both words that is simply not true.  I am never alone, without help from others...or without any thing nearby....nor am i without support from family and friends both near and far.

Lets try something else...something perhaps more accurate.

WALLOWING:  Roll in something.  Indulge in something excessively.  Have a huge amount of something.  Walk with difficulty. 

DEPRESSION: Sadness. Psychiatric disorder.  Economic slump.  Reduced activity. Hollow.  Low pressure area.

Ah...that seems more accurate.  And when looking up the conditions, it made me actually laugh a bit...I had not considered every meaning of depression,and wallowing, and in my present situation, made me smile and realize that i am indeed in a low pressure area, with reduced activity, which has created my economic slump and made me sad, and of course I have a huge amount of this emotion and am indulging in it excessively, almost to the point of rolling around in it, which makes walking difficult.  :D

What ever gets you through it, right?  I'm glad I still have a sense of humor.  And perhaps in the next couple of weeks a job that will help pay my bills.  I feel like i hit a significant ledge in the pit I threw myself into...I'm not at the bottom, although it felt like that was where I was headed when I started to fall...but I can see, now that I've stopped falling, there is a long way to go before the bottom, can't even see it from this ledge....

But now I have stared to look up, to find a way out, instead of looking down longingly into the deceptive, quiet, and dark depths of the pit.  As I look up I can see a hand hold from where I tried to climb out on Wednesday night, but slipped.  I think I'll start there, and keep going this time.  Always looking up, and keep trying.  Because yesterday was a good day.  Because I got out of bed, and tried.  Things went right, only because I tried.  I'm no longer swimming...I'm climbing now.  But you know I was always better at climbing mountains than swimming anyway.  


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Keep Swimming!

Lately this is what I've heard from a lot of my friends, and it made me think about what that phrase means exactly.  Am I suppose to keep swimming even when I'm exhausted?  How about when the sharks are nipping at my toes?  Or when the waters get so rough that I feel like I'm not swimming at all but just being tossed about by the oceans of life?  Sure it's easy to swim for a while in calm waters, but even then, eventually, you need a boat, or piece of flotsam...something to hold on to.  No one gets through the river of life on their own.  We all have people we lean on, talk to, experience life's joys and downfalls with.  To tell someone you love to just 'keep swimming'....well that's good advice.  It is.  But I think it's more important to advise that and amend it with, 'you'll be there waiting for them on the dock when they arrive'.  With your hand out in friendship and love, to help in any way you can.  Because you know what they say about helping people?  You get it back tenfold.  It comes back to you when you need it most.

I'm having a difficult time getting my business built up to where I need it to support myself, so I'm looking for a part time job while I keep building my business, and I'm donating plasma to get some quick cash to pay all the people that want me to keep swimming, that I owe money to.  They aren't like my friends that want me to keep swimming because they love me.  They just want their money yesterday.

In my past I've had the opportunity or luck to be the person on the dock, holding out my hand, and wallet, to help friends, or lovers in need.  And I would do it again, then or now, if i could.  And one of my friends has opened his wallet to help me.  I didn't even have to ask, he just did it.  He could afford to, and remembered a time when he couldn't and I was there.  I'm so grateful for friends like this.  I've had some other offers of meals and such from newer friends.  I'm hoping I never have to call in any old markers, but I will if I see that I'm about ready to fall to far behind.  And this will be very difficult for me, as I'm not one to ask for help.  Even this blog is difficult, but as with all of my blog topics, I figured, "hey, in this economy, there are bound to be others of you out there going through this, and having the same difficulty."

So if you are unemployed or underemployed and you need help, but you can't find the words....or maybe you just have never been in this situation before, you've always been the mom, or dad and helped everyone....swallow that pride, put on your big girl pants, get your big girl glass, invite your family and friends into your problems, like they do you.  Be open and honest with the situation, have a plan of attack to make the situation better, and ask your loved ones for help.  It will surprise you how many loved ones you have that are willing to lend you money to help you get back on your feet.  And it shouldn't matter if your downfall was related to the economy, or bad decisions or even a mistake.  We all fall from time to time.  We all need a hand up.  And most of us would rather have the hand up then the hand out.

So yes.  Keep swimming, if the sharks are biting, if the waters are too rough, and if you are too tired.  But keep swimming.  Don't let life get you to give up and drown, because then there is truly nothing...then it is game over.  And while that might sound pleasant, it is nothing....absolutely nothing....something we can't even imagine, because our minds won't let us. The closest thing is sleep without dreaming, which...guess what?  you can't remember.

This is the only life we get.  This is our only chance to be happy and have the life we want.  Make it count.  Make the right choices for your happiness, because if you don't you can be sure no one else will.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day!

Since it's Mother's Day today, and being a mother I have a lot to do today before my kids get here to shower me with their love and give me the best presents they could ever give me. TIME.  Time with them.  Just them, and me.  Like we were for many, many years as I raised them as a single parent.

Its funny how much you take for granted your busy times together when they are little.  Running to show choir competitions, or orchestra performances...oh and all those Christmas shows from kindergarten on.  And the academic competitions as well,...some of those were my favorites. All the things you make time for as a mom, to support your busy children.  You might even complain a bit that you have to put off your social calender for them.  But you know what?  Now that they are grown, and have as busy a life as any adult, you want those moments back.  You actually miss them.  Even the ones that made you smile sleepily from your bed, as you heard the TV come on on Saturday mornings for cartoons, and the suspicious sounds of cupboards being opened and some sort of child-like-version of breakfast being served.

I know I wasn't always the best text book mom.  I wasn't the mom that had bacon and eggs and pancakes every morning before the school bus arrived.  I was the mom grabbing toast, poptarts, and coffee, backpacks, briefcases, and children and running for the bus or car.  But we always had fun.  Life under my roof was an adventure.  An adventure in growing up together.  They learned about how to love film and music and books at my knee, or beside me.  I shared with them my loves in life.  All the things and people I was passionate about.  And I also was very open with them about problems that came up.  Maybe too open, but as a single parent that happens a lot..  And while their little shoulders may not have been large enough to support those financial issues, we always pulled together as a family.  And it made them better prepared for real life at an early age.  I'm all for letting kids be kids as long as possible, but I also think that if you teach them young about what real life is about, they will make fewer mistakes as young adults.

I was a young mom, and grew up with my son, which was an eye opening experience and when my daughter came along I got to grow up some more with her.  But they and their friends keep me young.  As I remember it was our house they all liked to hang out at, to play video games (Nintendo 64!) or card/board games (RISK, Spades), and yes, even....D&D.  I'm proud to say some of their first gaming experiences were with me and I'm still in their adult gaming group to this day.  I must have done something right.  Their friends all call me 'Momma Jill'  and I love that.  Hell even some of my friends that are the same age as my kids, call me Momma Jill.  Its an honor I wear proudly.  For I understand what it means when a young person calls you mom.  Its not an honor just given to someone old enough to be one.  You really do have to earn it.  I love and respect all my kids.  And where ever you are today, hug your mom.  She is a strong pillar in your life, a hand you could always count on to be there, and a shoulder to lean on...but you know what?  I'll tell you a matter how much of a superhero you think your mom was, she is human.  And she had moments of real sadness and worry just like you.  And if you are grown up, so is she.  And if you ever need a hug, I bet she does to.

So...pick up the phone, get in the car, grab a bus or plane, and get your ass home!  and if that doesn't work, remember what Bill Cosby use to say, "I brought you into this world....I can take you out!"

Love to all my kids...both near and far.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

A Rainy And Retrospective Weekend

The full moon this weekend was a super full moon.  Which means our moon was the closest it will be to Earth all year, and why the moon looked so much brighter and larger in the sky.  And it was beautiful.  I saw it briefly around 2 am on Friday and much earlier as I looked out my bedroom window on Saturday night.  It rained most of the and on, and when it was on... it was real rain.  Not just sprinkles, but enough to need an umbrella or a good pair of running shoes. :)

And this super full moon...a scorpion moon,  was in my romantic a cancer...whatever that means.  Well, it kind of means that if you are a cancer too, then you were in full out, fired up, romantic, do me moods.  And probably if left to your own devices got into or had the potential to get into a lot of trouble this weekend.  Guess what I did?

I stayed home.  LOL

Well, kind of.....on Saturday I stayed home...

I went to see The Adventures on midnight Thursday, and it was WONDERFUL!  Best Hulk EVER.  And Iron Man is still THE MAN!  Go Robert Downey, Jr.!  And as with trivia on Wednesday night, I was sober.  I had not had a drink all week since last Friday's misadventures.  And I hadn't missed it.  I thought I might because these friends I do drink with weekly.  But I had just as much fun sober.  That's a good sign, both for my ability to prove to myself that I can have fun without spending a lot of money or drinking all the time.  I've always been a social drinker.  And I wasn't sure I'd have as much fun or be as fun without it.  I was happily wrong.  And on Friday was with a friend who wanted to party, and said he'd even pick me up and bring me home so I could.  And I went, and only had 1 and half beers.  Reminded me of high school and cruising in the "Green Dragon"--"Hey, Bobby, Can you finish this beer for me?" -- And I had a blast, hanging out, watching movies and playing computer games.  So again I was able to stop hiding and beating myself up for my mistake and realize that while I was not drunk when arrested, I had violated a traffic law by not stopping until the light was green.  But to emotionally destroy myself for that mistake, from the embarrassment of arrest, is and was wrong.  After all this will hopefully all go away, and if it doesn't, while I don't believe in "a plan" and nothing is "meant to be", I will have to look at it as a learning experience.  As with all of my life journey.

With gaming tonight, I should see almost everyone I love this weekend...that I can see...those of you that know I love you and are far away, are excused. But with this powerful full super moon, in a romantic house I was well...see mood description above....Also a good reason for staying in on Saturday night...I realized something else.  With the always noticeable absence of my current romantic interest, I like my life, and myself.  While some may argue, that I'm being self destructive, I'm just having my 20's now....My single life that I denied myself in marrying so young, and staying married throughout my 20's and half of my 30's.  So while it may look like I'm being reckless and living dangerously at a time in my life when I should know better....try to remember what you were like in your 20's.  (my ex husbands are exempt because they are my age and well...were married to me then too, eh?)  And understand that I may be taking some chances and having some fun, but I also have more experience and brains because of that experience than I had in my 20's.  I just need to remember to USE said brains.