Sunday, September 29, 2013

And The Wall Comes Crashing Down

Remember two weeks ago when I blogged that my gut was warning me?  I was right.  Turns out Mr. Charisma had a lunch with his pet stripper and didn't tell me before hand.  I always told him before I had a lunch with Mr Hopeful or That Guy, because I feel that telling him before hand he would know I had nothing to hide.  If I was sneaking around then I wouldn't tell him, right?  Turns out he thinks just the opposite, and that telling me beforehand would have thrown me into a jealous rage.  It might have, but I would have gotten over it, and it was worse hiding it from me.  Because she has always been the one I was the most afraid of losing him too.  He recently bought new frilly bedding too.  Hum....he says because he liked it, and hoped I would, but the timing of the lunch with her, the new bedding and suddenly seeing MY advice from March being correct (that he needs to date)  and wanting to be single just seemed too much coincedence to me.  Seems suspect.  So I reached out to her via email to get the real story.  I very calmly said almost the same thing I did to one of my ex husbands girlfriends when I confronted her.  "Hi, you don't know me but you know my boyfriend, Mr. C and if you are both in love and dating I'll step aside.  I don't want to give up on him, but I don't want to be in the way of his happiness or yours.  thanks for listening."  He says she penned a very thoughtful response saying that they were just friends and she didn't want to fuck that up, but when trying to send it, it disappeared.  And apparently she was way too busy to retype and send it.  I'm assuming, as a stripper, she might get emails like this a lot and probably ignores them all.  I never expect to hear from her and I wonder how he knows what she said.  Hiding is lying and he has lied before to me, but only once and with regards to her.  So trust is now an issue for me.  This is a huge issue for me, and when I lose trust in someone I have a hard time loving them.  I can be their friend, but I have a really hard time letting them in to the point that I need to feel loved from them.

So I broke up with him friday.  Almost two weeks to the day that he tried to break up with me to be single.  We are trying to be friends.  As a friend he has informed me that he is on his journey already.  Hit the ground running, I aways say.  So he is off to Appleton next Saturday night to try to rekindle a 26 year old crush with a high-school sweetheart that he could never close the deal with.  Apparently this is a demon of his that needs to be purged.  This passiveness he has about him.  Never going for the love that is offered to him out of fear of rejection.  Kind of makes the rejection happen if you don't try, doesn't it?  Self-fulling prophecy.  He believes when she caves, and of course she will cave (LOL  he may be in for a big surprise there).  He leaves on friday after work and is planning on coming back in time for work on Monday....sounds like a sex weekend to me.  That he will be on the road to recovery and being fixed.  That by seducing and bedding (as he calls it) a woman he never could close the deal with, he will feel....what?  something maybe?  Masculine?  Like a real man?  Or this is the love that got away and now I've tasted that and got that idea out of my head?  Or is he running to find true love....he said we have that.  or maybe he will feel that he finally got something he wanted instead of settling for the love that has been given to him. OHH that's not a good one.  That actually should make all of us that have loved him, feel as if we were an ok choice but not the gal he would choose if he could.  hum.  Now I kind of feel like even if this miracle ego cure of Appleton works, that I might not want him back.  I don't want to be the one he settles for....I want to be the one he runs back to.

So my grand experiment to let him go to find his happiness is backfiring on me.  But as That Guy said last night, "You sat in this chair 6 months ago when he told you he wanted to be exclusive and you predicted how this would end.  So don't get all surprised that it ended just like you knew it would."  He's right you know.   And that changed my outlook in a snap.  I knew it.  I knew better and I still let him fall hard for me and I let myself fall hard for him when he was not ready for a serious woman in his life.  When what he needed most was to play the field and have a woman by his side that was ok with that.  That wanted to be in his life so much that she could date other men and him and see what happened.  To get to know him and have him get to know her as a person and a woman.  SOUND FAMILIAR!?  Boy, you know I thought that was the job I applied for but I got this really fast promotion...I didn't question it at first, but now I kind of feel like I was being set up to I set my self up to fail.  WHY didn't I just keep him as a man I can date?  Will I never learn?  Now I may lose him forever while he finds his magic ego fixer.  And tries to erase all the wounds of rejection from the past.

I apparently wound him all the time with my tongue of biting sarcasm.  He does me too, and finally sees it.  We are trying to NOT change for each other anymore, because we changed into people we didn't like when we were together.  We were not true to ourselves, and we hated ourselves, and then lashed out at each others faults as a way to try to help us make it.  It was the wrong tactic.  And we know it, but we are afraid to be together, even though we still are in love, for fear that we will fall into these habits.  Well, he is afraid.  I am determined not to change again for him.  To be the woman he fell for...period.  I wish he wanted to keep dating me too, while he is on his journey.  I'm insulted and feel not worthy that he won't.  Like I've given him the deal of a lifetime.  You can have sex with me, with no commitments, and if you ever want to be serious again, I'm still in your life.  What a deal, right?  He doesn't think so.  So something must be wrong there in the equation.  Either he doesn't love me like he says, doesn't think I'm as great in bed with him as he has shown, or is afraid that he will just repeat old patterns and is not ready to accept this great offer.

Gee, I hope it's not for a limited time.

I hope I can still love him and allow him to touch me after he's experimented with Appleton, and however many countless others he may need to fix this.  I know what you are thinking....that I'm being played.  That this sounds like a really good scam.  That you wish you would have thought of it.  I almost with it were.  If he were a player I could put him in that category, like That Guy, and not be hurt by being one of many.  Just accept if I want to be.  But he is not.  He is really lost and unsure and fragile and beaten.  And I want to help because I still love him.  Yep.  I do.

So my task at hand is this.  Be his friend and let him go to find his happiness.  BOY am I getting tired of doing this for men I love.  And in my experience they don't come back.  Or if they do its complicated. I am willing to stand beside him, but he is afraid that if he talks to me as a friend it will hurt me.  It will, but it will also help me to make the best choice for me and not be played.  So somehow I have to find the strength to hang in there and watch and be his friend.  Now before you get all feeling sorry for me, I have made my own plans to move forward and date while he is dating.  The A Team is officially back in action with the last two nights with That Guy and tonight might happen as well.  Plus Mr. Confident texted me as soon as he read my Facebook, and we have a date on Monday and Mr. Hopeful, is, well, hopeful for Tuesday.  Even Mr. Practical whom I have not had the opportunity to exchange ideas with for over a month now, is trying to schedule some time to meet on line and catch up.  Sounds like I'm on my own journey.....I wish Mr. Charisma still wanted to be a part of the A Team.  And I wish I had never let them go for him.  I hope he turns out to be the right guy for me, but only time will tell now....and we both know how harsh time can be.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Back OUT.

Laying flat is boring.  It is also very difficult to type...Need a secretary.  Threw out my back from the minor car accident, where I was hit and run on the 7th.  Then last Tuesday really re-injured it by flying for four hours, to pick up the new caddy and then driving back for 8 hours...the constant sitting strained my back big time.  Spasms and all.  Dr.'s note to miss work on friday and saturday.  Hoping I can go tomorrow.  But this is why the blog is short and only informative.

Its unfortunate really that I don't feel like sitting or standing.  So much has happened this week.  Mr. Charisma and I have decide to date and not be exclusive.  And while we agree he needs the time to be alone and figure out what he wants, its still very scary for us both, and our dreams are plaguing us with near realities, based on fear of losing each other.  We don't want to break up but we might need to.  For him to grow.  Of course the woman in me sees this as a way for him to grow away from me.  BUT get was my idea.  Not his.  And it's working.  We are both less worried and stressed, but somehow still feel very connected.

Must walk around now, and then get flat on my back again.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Another Brick In The Wall

Wow what a night.  And not a good one.  I've come to understand that while I'm still very misunderstood by the people I love, I do still have a very good handle on my gut and my intuition is still almost dead on.  I'd go as far to say dead on now, but I don't have all the information I need to make that statement stick.  I do however believe I've been right from the start and almost all my worst fears are coming true.  Why I don't listen to my gut, I'll never understand.  Why I trust people and say to myself, "Well, maybe this time it will be different.  Maybe this one will prove me wrong," I'll never understand.

I get a feeling deep in my gut and it usually says, RUN...RUN NOW..FOR GOD SAKES JUST FLEE.  And I don't do it.  I toss my hair back, but my hands on my hips and become some cartoon character of myself and declare.  "AHA!  Not this time.  This time I will make it work."  And I forget the simple part of the equation.  I can't make anything work by myself.  It takes two make a relationship work.  It takes two to love and try to understand and to question without jumping to conclusions.  A trait I have been accused of doing, not trying to understand, not one almost all my friends turn to in times of trouble, because I listen and try to help....and I've bitten my tongue for so long.  I've let go the abuse I feel he does to me, and I can't even begin to discuss it.

He feels abused and attacked almost all the time because I have very definite opinions on things I both love and hate in this world.  Ive tried to explain that my opinions are not set in stone, no ones should be.  That I'm intelligent enough and flexible enough to have my mind convinced.  And he has brought a greater awareness to me.  I don't think he sees it, nor choses to believe that it has or will occur.  However I don't feel that I bring him anything but strife, grief, and stress.  I have been made to feel that by my mere stating of an opinion that I am abusive.  Because I can state my opinion with passion and feeling, and attach a negative statement to give my opinion validity, he feels attacked.  He also feels attacked when his behavior puts him in a category of things I hate in this world.  And why wouldn't it?  I hate that behavior and he has done it, or perhaps still wants to and that's why he feels attacked.

Let me state that opinion in another way you so you may understand with better clarity before you say, "NO WAY."

I don't feel attacked when someone declares that they hate, for example, smokers.  I was one, and really good at it.  Do I want to smoke again?  No.  Why?  Too expensive, too bad for my health, lots of reasons.  But I don't feel attacked when people say they hate smokers.  Because I don't want to be one. IF I secretly desired a cigarette, still....a long, sultry smoke, really wanted to be a smoker again, and was denying myself the cigarette, then I might feel attacked, because I fall into that category.  A category of people you hate.  Smokers.  I might take it as a personal attack.  But because I don't want that in my life anymore, I am not attacked.

I feel now, and honestly was afraid that I would, that all he really wants is a little carbon copy of himself, or of who he tried to make his wife be, but thinner, cuter, smarter, and dress better, to follow him around and agree with him and look at him like he is everything in the world.  ALL THE TIME.   Not just the times he deserves that.  And believe me, there are a million times he deserves that.  But he doesn't believe it.  He asks me why I love him, every time we fight. Like a fight is the end.  And accuses me of that behavior when I don't go there.  I feel trapped in a circle of him transferring old behavior that he gave to his wife onto me.  And only because a tone in my voice or an instant of expression reminds him of his parents fighting, and hits him in a core of hurt that I cannot cure, nor help.  I'm being slowly silenced.  (I'm sure many of you are saying.....'Not fast enough!  LOL' and 'THIS is silence?')

In fact I cannot help him with anything but love and understanding.  And I want to give that to him.  I practically begged him not to break up with me last night and figure out a way to work this out...and guess who I felt like?  Guess who I watched him do this to as his mistress?  And guess who I don't every want to be?  You got it.  The wife he left.

I'm fine with giving him what he needs, and I'm even fine with staying exclusive or being single and dating and having him be one of the men I want to be with.  But I don't want to be single.  I was loving having a man that I knew loved and cared about me and thought I was brilliant and sexy and loving.  And I feel like I've lost that.  That I'll only now be "just one of the gals he can love"  Because in his own words, I don't fit the mold of 'wife'  that he was putting me into.  I add 'YET' to that statement, he didn't.  He was the one that wanted this to go to the next level and have us come out to our family and friends.  He wanted me to be exclusive with him, and yet on Facebook he refers to me as a 'good friend', only so that he doesn't have to 'go into it with another circle of not very close friends about him leaving his wife'  wow....but he wanted to go public?  What part about this feels and sounds like what a Player would say?  What part about this makes me feel like I've come out, but he still hasn't because he's afraid of backlash or worse, not proud of me on his arm?  All sorts of things run round my head, most of which I use to believe were CGB.   I'm not sure if it will make a difference once he leaves me today and goes back into 'work mode'

I've agreed to not see him except on Saturday nights and Sunday mornings.  Because he was mostly afraid of losing that time with me.  That makes him sound like it's only about the sex but it's not. Its more than that.  Saturday night/Sunday morning is our only mutual day off, and very special that we choose to spend it together, even when beside ourselves with worry, doubt and broken hearts and egos.    Maybe it means more that we choose to stay together and try.

Two weeks ago I thought we were better than fine.  Now I don't know if we will make it.  The only thing I do know is I'm not a monster.  (he never said I was, but i feel I am.  I feel under a constant microscope of judgement and accusation....funny, he said others have felt like this from him too and he doesn't understand it)  I know I deserve to be treated with understanding and not made to feel that I'm the only one that should change.  He sees that he does double standards with me, but then still does them.  I'm being forced to concede that I've got a bad temper.  Surprise, I knew this and have been working on it all my life.  But my outbursts are 90% emotional shock at the stupidity of the situation that angers or frustrates me, and 10% real anger.  No one seems to understand that because of the tone of my voice, or choices that I make in words to say.  And I'll admit that when I'm frustrated or emotional or passionate about a subject or trying to have a discussion on an emotional topic, I may not have the best handle on my verbs and tenses and processes of speech.  Who does, that has real feelings attached, when frustrated?  I'll tell you who....a robot.

I'm not a robot.  I'm a passionate, loving, understanding, giving woman.  And I am not going to let anyone make me feel that I'm not.  Not for any reason.  Because to do that would be an injustice, and self destructive and not help me to change.  It's not romantic love.  And I don't want or need a daddy to raise me or punish me when I'm bad.  I am not blind to my faults, I'm quite aware of them and like I'm sure you do, you try to overcome them daily.  I have many more days where I don't blow up then when I do.  I have many more successes than failures in my personal journey.  And I'm tired of being misunderstood.  So I try even harder to be understood, rather than just fall into a shell of ignore it and it will go away.  Because THAT doesn't work.

He said he wanted to be single last night, that he believed that was the only road open to him.  He also said I saved us last night by helping him find himself, because he was lost.  I should be relieved and happy that I saved us, because I do love him, and I do want this to work.  Why do I feel like no matter what I do, he will take it wrong now?  He will not understand.  Why am I over thinking this, and making myself sick over his issues?  Have I been out of love so long that I just don't remember that this is what it feels like?  To be so affected by another emotions, that I reflect back his depression when he feels it, instead of just showing him what I feel and helping his depression.  Why can't I detach from his downward swings, like I would with a friend that I love, and give him the love and support and care he deserves.  Why am I so afraid of his mood swings that I reflect them back to him, or crawl inside my armor, instead of being true to myself?

Sunday, September 8, 2013

The Kidnapping Report

Ok.  Lets see.  Where to begin?  First of all I didn't make it back to blogging on Tuesday like I thought I would, much too busy living life, and spending time with loved ones both for enjoyment and enlightenment, to write.  It's a very odd thing to me, that I love to write and since I've fallen in love again, I have no time to write.  It's not that I don't still have things to say or ideas to write about, I just find myself unwilling to sit down and do it anymore.  It feels too forced.  Almost like a job instead of the enjoyment I found in it before.  I'd like to think I might have the ability to write for a living, but I think I'm more one of those people who like to just write for themselves.

Last weekend at the Bristol Renaissance Faire was a wonderful experience.  I loved the Barely Balanced an act of three acrobats that do some incredible feats of strength and balance with fire, water, knives on top of balls and boards and each other.  Small, Medium and Large, they are named and two guys and a girl and they were great.  I also enjoyed Dirk and Guido, swords men that remind me of Puke an Snot, without the Shakespeare puns.  They were funny and much better swordsmen than Puke and Snot but I did miss the rapid puns and Pirate jokes.  And the Sturdy  Beggars Mud Show...grown men getting an audience to fight each other verbally and cover themselves in mud and eat it!  And we love it.  Humans are so funny.  :D  The food was wonderful and the drinks were flowing as they should.  I found myself transported away with my love to a wonderful place and time.  And the shops were on a par with the Colorado Ren Faire and some of the other larger ones I've seen.  I felt more welcome at Bristol than I had at any other faire and will return every year.  Also got to meet my love's sister who is a very talented young artist and had her add some of her designs to the new hat I purchased for my costume.  The only thing that disappointed My Love (look at that, he just got a new nickname.  ;) was that a trendy spy theme bar, that is very secret and not to be talked about on the web, was closed on Labor Day when we had made time to pop over and check it out.  Oh well, now we have another excuse to go to Milwaukee and have another romantic weekend.

Our weekend get-a-way was perfect, from the very roomy and romantic hotel room down to the site seeing the next day.  I was like a little girl again at the Milwaukee Public Museum.  And while I haven't posted any pictures, they do exist.  I haven't posted because, well, Mr. Charisma's family might see them and they are not too keen on my role in his life.  It's not that they hate me, or don't like me, it's more that they haven't had the time to get to know me, only meet me.  And the two that have met me I think like me, well enough.  His kids, I'm sure are still trying to figure out exactly what happened and who I am and or who I may be in their lives.  And to be honest, I must have mentioned them at least 7 or 8 times at the Museum an the Faire, and knew they would have enjoyed our time there, but was sad because I don't feel like they would want me there with them.  That's right, I don't want to push myself on them, but I hope for a future time where they will want to have me along with their dad.  As for the rest of his family they either are not ready to meet me and sadly may never be.  So I've not posted any pictures, just in case it might hurt them.  But of course, I'm the bitch that stole him away from his family, and only think of myself.  And if you are a follower of this blog you know that's not true.  You know we met and fell in love just like everyone else does.  And we had to make some hard choices to be together, just like everyone else does.

I chose to not try to place labels or blame on anyone, good guys or bad guys do not exist in this type of situation because in the end everyone is human and all of us have made mistakes.  No one here is foreign to the idea of falling out of love with someone.  It has happened to all of us.  That doesn't make it any easier to go through, or watch someone go through it.  However, with that being said, I'd say yes again to him to see him this happy and to be this happy myself.

All I know about life is this:  It is, and you must live it!  If you sit back and watch it roll by, you will regret it.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Blog Kidnapped! Will Return Tuesday This Week

The Blog has been kidnapped by the Bristol Ren Faire and my honey.  I am having coffee in our beautiful hotel room, with hot tub and all the comforts of home.  We even have a little kitchen.  I will be getting all costumed up in a moment and then down for breakfast before we hit the faire.  I will blog about our adventures on Tuesday.  Hope everyone is doing something fun this weekend to say good bye to summer.