For My FIrst Daughter

This is the last morning I'll make cinnamon roll pancakes for her.
This is the last morning that we'll have coffee together in Chicago.
This is the last day we'll be riding the train together and talking about the future.
This is the last time we will laugh or argue or tell someone off in Chicago.

But this is not an ending

This is the first time I'll make cinnamon roll pancakes for her love.
This is the first time we'll have coffee together in Chicago.
This is the first time the three of us will ride the train together talk about her future together.
This is the first time I've seen her this happy, and I can't wait to get to know him.

This is a wonderful beginning for her, and I love her, so I'm happy and proud of her that she is moving on and making her life what she wants it to be instead of just existing or settling.  My friends as me how I feel, and how can I feel anything but joy for her.  She has met one of the great loves of her life and now we will see if she is smarter than her mom, and can keep him.  I think she is.  Am I sad?  Only for myself at losing her physical presence.  Am I worried?  Sure, but as parents we always worry even when they are happy and safe, it's habit.  Do I trust him?  I trust her.  I don't know him yet, and I'll never know him as well as she does, but I do know her and I trust that I raised her to stand up for herself and believe in herself and to like herself.  With that combination she will always land on her feet. 

Now I will not be sad about the lasts today, but all the firsts to come.  And I will have joy in my heart knowing she is where she is suppose to be, as am I. 

Cheers

Teenage Suicide - BIg Fun (Heathers)

So I have this friend who is threatening suicide. 

Not an easy topic to debate, but one that I think I should try to figure out since killing yourself, in my mind, is not an option to escaping a bad life or bad situation.  And it is a bad situation isn't?  Because life is not bad.  But sometimes our lives seem hopeless and depressing. 

First off, I have to say, that everytime someone I knew successfully killed themselves it was a huge surprise.  They didn't threaten it.  They were depressed for a while prior, but got very happy right before they killed themselves.  My shrink says that's because they know soon their problems will be gone, because they will be gone.  Makes sense.  Its why when I got really happy after a very dark depression, my doctor asked me if I was alright.  And in my case, I was.  My new plans to change my life and my attitude were real, not a cover for a darker plan.  So with this knowledge, I'm doubtful when she threatens.  I almost want to hand her the gun and say, "Go ahead.  If you think that nothingness is better than being aware, I love you and want you to be happy. So shoot." 

That would certainly call her bluff.

But what if I'm wrong?

So the next thing I'm thinking I should do, is call the police.  The next time she threatens it, call the police and tell them, "Listen, I know someone who is telling me they are going to off themselves, right now, and I don't know what to do!  Please help."  They record all calls and legally they have to come.  And an ambulance would also be dispatched.  They would take her to a psych ward and evaluate if she were a danger to herself and others. 

Now this is a really hard choice.  Because one, it effects her future.  In both a negative and a positive way.  Although if it's an act for attention she may never forgive me.  But if it's real, and she really is that depressed and I really love her, don't I owe it to her to help her get the help she needs?

I not only think so, I know so.

I don't want her to kill herself, and I hope if she's reading this now she will understand that I'm serious about the phone call.   I'm a big fan of psychiatric medicine and discussions.  Group therapy saved my future and being able to discuss what was wrong....to find out what was wrong and fix it, was well worth the embarrassment of admitting I needed help.  But, see, I wanted to get better.  For me it wasn't an act to change someone in my life or ploy for attention. 

So you see my problem.  Do I risk losing her forever to help her?  Comments, suggestions, experiences?  I'd appreciate it.

Cheers

 

Colin Hays, Violent Femmes and The Bare Naked Ladies Walk Into A Bar...

OK well they didn't walk into a bar that I SAW, but don't their names said together sound like the beginning to a dirty joke?  Sometimes you don't even know you need a little vacation until you take one.  This blog is being typed at my Pat Head friends house in Milwaukee, The Woman To Blame.  She won tickets to see the aforementioned opening joke.  And WHAT A FUCKING BLAST we had.  I have to admit neither of us knew who Colin Hays was.  Which is very embarrassing in retrospect.  As The Woman To Blame thought he was some Voice or American Idol kid to which I was not interested.  BUT we were pleasantly  and wonderfully surprised when he was no other than the lead singer to Men At Work.  And what a great warm up or as he so aptly put it, "I'm your foreplay for the evening so lets take it slow."  His glorious humor about his old bands writing styles ("we wrote all those song stoned") and deft fingers on the acoustic guitar were just the right warm up before The Femmes hit the stage with there pumping, rhythmic songs from old and some new.  This was the band I had come specifically to see and I was not disappointed at all with their performance or the song list.  From Blister and Add It Up all the way to American Music.  And the largest Sax I've ever seen.  When The Bare Naked Ladies hit the stage the lights were the lights of a band with some money to spend, and I found out they were bigger Femmes fans than I.  And like kids confronting their idols they almost giggled asking for more rounds of applause for them, which we gladly gave. This was the band The Woman To Blame came to see and she was equally happy with the show with the exception that they did not do Alcohol.  Polishfest was going on at Summerfest grounds and the fireworks opened with The Ladies, and then the flood of rain started.  As true performers they asked if we should continue which of course we thought, yes. The roof would surly hold.  As drips started to appear near the stage, we yelled and clapped and sang along, laughing at the possibility of building an ark.  The lead singer of the Ladies said, "When we build the ark we'll only need one man and one woman the rest will be animals, unfortunately, so start paring yourselves up by twos."  I enjoyed how much the entire band joked around with us and each other.  You could tell they were friends and business partners, not just a band trying to make some money, but they really enjoyed performing.  The finale of popular new and old rock songs had us screaming lyrics with our already shredded vocal cords.

We spent our time before the show having lunch at Kopps, a restaurant that Mr. Charisma had taken me to that I wanted a better memory for.  Which I got.  And then walking around the shops of Brady street.  Where I found the cutest hair tie in blue dreads to match my hair perfectly.  And stopped At Nomads for a beer.  I had to have a Spotted Cow since I can't get them in Illinois.  At dinner, we chose Mexican and mango margaritas were my poison and more beer at the concert.  I'm so out of practice drinking I thought I'd be hungover for sure, but I'm not.  Guess I still have my drinking legs.  I will leave Milwaukee this morning for my Windy City with fond memories once again instead of sad ones, and that is what healing is all about.  Being able to go back and see, and forgive.  And possibly even forget.  The forgetting is the hard part for me.  Which tends to effect the forgiveness in a smaller way than how it effects my self esteem or fear of trying again. 

I had so much fun just being myself this weekend, and I've miss me.  It makes me know that no matter how afraid I am I need to try to make some friends in Chicago.  But where to start?  Its an adventure, and I hope soon I will meet another friend I can add to my close ring.  A person that has another group of friends I can get to know.  Some people older than my daily routine of tying shoes and changing diapers.  I think its time to try to put on some American Music and spread my wings again. 

Cheers

Forgiving And Fogetting Are More Difficult Than You Think

I'm almost done with The Dragon Reborn, a book by Robert Jordan, its my third trip to the world of the Two Rivers.  With determination I am going to make it through all the books until the end this time.  It's like coming home to a familiar friend, reading these again.  It reminds me of gaming with old friends from the bluffs in Wisconsin, and lost love.

My favorite quote from it almost caused an argument with one of those old friends the other day.  I mentioned it and he said it's the same thing.  And I couldn't believe he didn't see how it wasn't.  So I decided it was blog worthy. 

The quote is this:  "...but the biggest difference is this.  Men forget, but they never forgive; women forgive, but never forget."

I found that quote to be simple in its profound accuracy about the way men and women think.  It made almost every argument that I've had with the opposite sex somehow validated, clearer, to an almost understanding.  In case you feel the same as my friend let me try to shed some light on it.

Think of a marriage as a balloon full of water.  The water is trust and the balloon is the vow.  And a pin as the other woman or man depending on your point of view and for this example its a hetrosexual couple.  So the pin comes and pops the balloon.  The man, will forget the pin, but he'll never forgive the balloon for not being stronger, not being able to hold the water under pressure and the balloon for popping.  He'll always think that there was a reason that the balloon didn't hold up and he'll look for that reason, usually putting the blame on the woman or himself.  The woman will forgive the balloon for not being stronger, and for not holding the water but she will never forget the pin.  And she'll bring up all pins in the future.  And look funny at every pin and wonder, will this pin come and destroy my patched up balloon?  And that works for her being the one that cheated or the one cheated on.  She will either never trust herself around pins or her husband around pins depending.  While the man will not trust the patch job of the balloon, if the balloon wasn't strong enough in the first place its highly unlikely that the patch will not hold, better to get a new balloon. 

I could go on and on but I think you get it.  It's not the same.  The only similarity is the balloon is broken.  They just see the reasons for the break as being very different, and hence why arguments on this subject can be so passionate.  Maybe if we tried to see each others point of view more often or at least question each other more, we might see each other as humans instead of ideals.  And truly be able to forgive and forget. 

Cheers