Sunday, November 23, 2014

You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned - Yoda

I recently discovered something about depression that I didn't know.  If you hang around all depressed people you get more depressed.  I know this sounds very basic but maybe thats why I didn't give it much credit.  It sounds too simple.  I have some friends that are depressed and I have some that aren't and I find that I get caught up in their moods.  It used to be worse, so I'm getting much better at it.  For example this last week I was supposed to meet Mr. Hopeful on line for a chat, and as you can guess he was late, so late in fact that I'd given up on him showing at all and when he did he had a typical excuse.  Horrible day, no sleep, had to go to work, and so forth.  Now I'm not saying I don't believe him, I absolutely do.  What I am saying is that this time, it didn't anger me or make me depressed or lower my self worth.  This time, I took the disappointment like a normal adult human and really understood.  I didn't let myself get depressed, hell I didn't even feel sad.  In fact the closer and closer it got to the time he was supposed to meet me the more and more I hoped he wouldn't come.  I think this is very important personal growth.  I felt guilty and slutty, instead of excited and that rush of love that I usually feel when about to see him.  Something about the way we were meeting felt wrong.  Not us.  Too desperate.

But which kind of personal growth is it?  Is it me just being really scared of repeating disaster and doing the same thing with him that I did with Mr. Practical?  That really made me lose a lot of respect for him and we haven't spoken even as friends in over four months.  And I don't miss him in my life in the way I thought I would.  Or is it that I just don't want to see Mr. Hopeful, even on camera, if I can't have him? Hum...there's a thought.  Am I afraid that would depress me?  I know I've been med free for four months and I don't want to go back to that state.

Last night I tested the video thing with That Guy, and all was well.  Of course we only chat.  No danger of any funny business so no guilt and it was great to laugh and game with him long distance.  And plan my holiday visit up there.  Which I hope I get to do.  That's just a whole other kettle of fish I don't want to open, but leave it to say that I'll be there if I can find a place to crash.  First Son is working on it.  I'll be disappointed if he can't find a way to put up his ma.

So maybe I've come to the conclusion that I'm camera shy with anyone that I know intimately.  Perhaps I'm not as slutty as I was thought to be.  Perhaps I'm truly am finding my way back to who I was.

I have five days off for Thanksgiving and only have plans on turkey day with First Daughter.  I believe I will use the rest of the vacation time to game on line or build a lego Death Star.


Sunday, November 16, 2014

Fasting Sucks! I Want Coffee and Bacon!

I love Sunday.  It's my day off, and my day to do whatever I want.  And I usually am a hermit.  But today I have to get to the clinic for my fasting blood work.  I hate fasting blood work.  I hate fasting.  And if my clinic were open before 10 any morning I would have done it a lot sooner, but here I sit, writing my favorite blog, on my favorite day without my coffee, and getting more and more grumpy as the clock ticks on.
My hands tingle as I type even with the wrist splints and I realize that I can't really write like this.  And that has been a problem.  I want to write and I feel like I need to write, but I can't.  I need a secretary.  LOL.  That's a good one.  Apparently 30 years of typing has given me carpel tunnel, but the blood work this morning is to rule out anything else before we do steroid shots in my wrists.  OUCH.  Not looking forward to that.  And then the test of needles down my arms to confirm what we believe I have.  Then I imagine surgery.  I hate the thought of being wounded while healing.  But I know that once its done I'll feel much better.
I have so many things I'd like to write about, finish the novel is always on the docket. But other things too, feelings I have about my new life.  People I miss.  People I don't miss.  How that makes me feel, but the tingle takes away all my wit and creative ability and just hurts.
So please forgive the short blogs until I can get a handle on this.  And know that I will figure this out like everything else that tries to stop me.
I woke up yesterday feeling very disappointed at men as a gender.  I tried to take off my "I hate men pants" yesterday but the feeling is pretty much still here.  I think I'll need to figure out a way to be happy here without feeling let down by the past.  I hate that the past still haunts me.  Sometimes I wish I cared less so it had no power over me.  Its not that I'm not happy.  But I look around my cozy studio and wish sometimes, that there was someone here with me. Usually more on quiet times like now, not all the time, but enough to have me starting to wake up hating men.  Well not all men, but the ones I feel let me down.  I don't know if that is a good thing or not.  Usually anger is not.  At least I'm not depressed.  I need more water and to stop making my hands hurt more.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Waiting For The Cable Guy Part Two

Ok. So last week the cable guy was a no show. And after several minutes and three different CSRs to fix the issue it appears the same thing is happening this wee. So I'm attempting to blog from my phone. Please excuse and Siri auto corrects that I miss.  But I'm bordering on pissed here.  At least this week the reminder call went stratight to voicemail. Last week my phone shows no record of voicemail or missed call and they didn't show so this week I called directly to customer service again and they sent another automated call that I got, while they were holding, and apparently completed correctly.  WTF. He is technically not late yet but I have a bad feeling that something will go wrong again this week. Band if it does I will go with a different provider.  If I didn't believe so strongly that everyone deserves a second chance, I probably would have already.  But we shall see. LSt week I waited four hours for a two hour window.  I think I will do the same this week.   But before I leave I will not be a nice future customer when I call.  I shall give them what they deserve and see how they handle it.  Why do we always feel so trapped by some businesse?  The cable/internet company, car insurance companies, Heath insurance companies and lets don't forget home contractors. If we treated our customers the way they treat us we would get fired.  It's a mystery to me why we let it continue.  It's like our voting system.  We all keep voting for a change and the incumbents almost always win!?  Again, WTF?  I hope this posts for you to read. Bi will attempt to share from here but I'm not sure how successful I will be.  IF I acquire Internet later today I shall correct.