Sunday, February 26, 2012

It Is In The Air....

Something is just around the corner, I can feel it.  Something big is about to happen.  I don't know what it is but something is about to shake up everything.  Maybe its because I've been so sick for the past four days and I was hoping to be getting better on my own.  You see I don't like to go to the doctor, and while I have all these symptoms, I'm still sure he will say, you have the flu, go home and rest.  Fortunately I can afford to just stay in bed and rest right now, so I am, but I hate to be sick.  It's so boring, and my mind works overtime.  Of course when I'm sick my mind slows way down and it can't jump to conclusions as quickly as my healthy self can.

Take for example last night.  I was sick, in bed, and on line looking forward to my usual Saturday night of chatting with friends, and not one of them was around.  Not even the ones that are working or can't sleep.  Was strange.  It was as if everyone finally got to sleep or got that night off and were actually out enjoying life.  Where I was stuck in bed coughing up a lung and feeling so weak that I can hardly move.  So I felt a little sorry for myself that there was no one around to entertain me.  And no one wants to come over and take care of someone so sick.  There is a risk there that I completely understand.  No one wants to catch this.  It sucks.  But I did miss my on line friends last night.

I suppose it's more than that too.  Some of my relationships are almost completely on line, and I miss them when their schedules change and they don't show up like normal. Or technical issues prevent them from communicating.  I hate technical issues.  Because you can never know they are technical issues until you can get to a different piece of technology and let someone know you're having issues.   Humans, we really are creatures of habit. This break in habit without warning, sets my spider-sense off, and makes me wonder what's changed, or changing.  Makes me look to the horizon with dread at what may be coming.  I hope in my illness I'm overreacting, looking for the worst instead of trusting in my friends and family.  You see I have some major trust issues.  lol  oh well, at least I know they are there, and they stop me from overreacting...usually.  :)

I almost wish I was a little bit sicker so that the doctors would give me something.  No I take that back, I'm hoping that because I ache all over, STILL, and am stuffed up and coughing up stuff, finally, that I'm on the mend and things are moving around.  But for a cold, this one has been a dozy.  And while I miss the company of my friends and family, I have to admit that I'm not very good company myself right now....I can't even think, I can only remember.  And this is a special time of remembering for me.  Oscar Sunday, 2010, pizza and meeting one of the most important relationships in my life.  Has it been two years already?  Time flies.

Monday, February 20, 2012

emergency broadcast system fail

I haven't felt the need to delete a post in a long time.  I would have to say at least 6 months ago.  But after reflection I decided that Sunday's blog was a bit too personal, perhaps and not up to my normal standards of shared information, and what it means in my life.  Perhaps because I'm not sure what any of it means anymore.

Back to reflective thoughts, filters, and trying to teach myself something as well as pass on something to my readers.  If you can learn from my mistakes then I guess it's all worth something.

I will reserve complete judgment upon more facts, but as you may well guess, actions speak much louder than words to me, and lack of action when action is promised....well I don't have time that.  You can blame in on anything you want, but what it boils down to is priorities.

I may be overreacting, but I'm much more fragile than any of you think, and I'm so sick of being used, I'm about ready to just hide away again for about 10 the last time.

so much for trying to find human contact in a world that is obsessed with the internet.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Sunday Morning Smiles

The morning tried to sneak up on me.  I watched the sun pull back the velvet curtain of night, as the bright moon finally relinquished her hold on the sky.  The skies incredible pallet of color, that at once sets the stage and influences my moods for the day, is somewhere between robins egg blue and baby boy blue.  Making me feel both hopeful for spring and reminiscent of love.

As I lay back in bed, coffee in hand, lap top at the ready I watch the moons progress across the morning sky.  Over my window, there is one vertical blind that stays askew, while the others in their ranks dutifully stand a closed guard across it.  Just a portion of sky, but it's all I really need to imagine the rest.

Imagine the rest....


When I could just open the blinds, and have it all?


In opening the blinds, I would reveal my most inner world, my deepest secrets, my loves and hates, to the world.  And who is truly strong enough to do that?  No matter how honest you are, you aren't completely honest.  No one is.  And most of us lie to ourselves more than anyone else.  And if you are a follower of this blog you may remember one from last year that talked about lying and how it is impossible to tell a lie without lying to yourself first.  I still belive that, you must believe your lie to tell it....or to live it....with the blinds closed, or mostly.

I guess the best we can achieve is to open the blinds and hope that the truth it reveals is not too blinding or too hidden by shadow.  After all if you are afraid to look at your life then you are lying to yourself about something.  If you are afraid to experience life and every moment offered to you, then you are not being true to your emotions, desires or the quenching of your thirst for knowledge and experience.

I'm glad I faced the sun today, and said good night to my moon this morning. Perhaps I should fix that one rebel blind to force me to open them completely.  Or maybe the truth should stay veiled until it can reveal one shared with my hearts desire.  Now who sounds like Mr. Hopeful.  Ah well, a romantic Sunday is not a foreign thing to me....sweet memories....;)

Sunday, February 5, 2012

"I Take Comfort In The Fact That We Are All Alone Together"- Unknown

Another unusually warm February for the 'great white north', as I'm sitting here with my morning coffee, Facebook, Google+, PostSecret, my favorite horoscope/tarot site and my favorite dream dictionary...all through my new mega on-line organizer, PeopleString, which I'm actually making money on line using...Thanks to my Dance Partner from high school (i don't name drop in my blog, you know who you are.) usual Sunday morning, and I stumble upon the above quote on PostSecret, "I take comfort in the fact that we are all alone, together."  Well that one made me stop in my tracks, had to read it twice.  But it's so true.

In this world, we spend our lives, struggling each day.  Against any number of obstacles, on a good day it's our normal daily routine,which we expect and can get through without much thought.  After all we do it all the time.  Then there are the days we don't expect where our struggles and our abilities to get through them increase as needed. But we do this alone.  We live our lives alone.  We die alone.  We surround ourselves with people we love and care about but in the end your life is YOUR life.  No one else is really with you.

Now if you are married with children, it might feel like you have a whole team of people that depend on you and are there for you.  And you might be right, well you know you they depend on you, and hopefully they are there for you, if not then you need a new family. :D  But actually they are living their own separate lives as well, as the star of their own "This Is My Life" production.  And everyone else in the universe, including you, are a supporting character in their life journey.  ALONE.

Yes, our decisions effect each other, I'm not saying that.  Just look at the state of the economy to see that proof.  What I'm saying is simply this:

You are not alone in your solitude.  We are all alone....together.  So if you feel like it's 'you against the world' remember we are all alone against the world.  And if you are tired of being alone and think that the only way you will be happy is to be with 'someone special' I got news for'll still be unhappy with someone, if you are unhappy alone.  Because YOU are all that matters in the story of your life.

So think about that for a while and see how that changes your perspective of what you want in life.  And remember, Time is fleeting (it's true, I know Time and he's always running around somewhere doing something important.), Death will not wait for anyone (I've seen Death's schedule, and he's only available for lunch,) Nature will win (she's got tons more patience than you, and human Nature always gets her way in the end so don't fight it), and Fate....well she's got a plan (and she tries her best to stick to it, but sometimes threads have to be cut, and rewoven), and War, well he's often found trapped lately between God and Satan....not a pleasant place to be and one I'm VERY familiar with.  (They are both very stubborn!  Hard to get your point across, even if you are Fate...poor War.  I feel sorry for him)

In short, remember it's your life.  Yours and yours alone.  If you are not happy, it's your own fault.  If you aren't living your life and doing what you want with it, you will regret it later.  Even if it's scary hard, if you aren't happy...why do anything?  Why get out of bed?  Why even try?  This is why you must make sure that your life decisions make you happy.  My mom use to say this to me as a young girl, and I think that may be why I'm so focused on what makes me happy as an adult.  She said, "Make sure you love yourself first, then make sure you love who you are sleeping with, because that's that second third of your life, and then make sure you love what you do for a living, because that's the final third.  If you do that, you will not have a life full of regrets, or a face full of frown lines."

Secret to looking younger?....