Sunday, October 28, 2012

What's Best For Me

Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year.  I love costumes and I love to be able to dress up in whatever I want, go out, and not be looked at like a freak.  It's such a liberating feeling.  That brings me to the weekend in general, it was a very liberating weekend.  First up was last night.  I met some of my girlfriends at Yesterdays, dressed up in my best gypsy costume complete with gold brocade corset and skirts, with plenty of black lace and a top hat to pull it all off, I will post some pictures to my OH SNAPP! site later.  Was the usual drunken bash of people milling about in costume and hugs and kisses peppered with the 'It's been too long' and 'We should do this more often' comments that come with these events.  But nothing really eventful happened.  I did guess a costume that a chick had on, for a free drink, and shocked her when within maybe a couple of minutes when I came up with the answer.  Was a pun, so...well.  she had two $1.00 price tags in each ear.  And normal clothes on.  So I looked her up and down and finally said, "You're a Buck-An-Ear?"  and she said, "Holy shit!  She guessed it." and took me to her man who promptly bought me a drink. And while it may sound like I'm making a small deal about this night, it was a nice time, singing and dancing with my friends at my favorite bar.  I didn't run into any of my oldest friends, and sadly never seem to anymore.  But the newer ones are proving more able to keep up with me.  (What does that tell you?.....Don't make me say it, but YOU'RE OLD NOW.  For the Incarnations of Immortality, generation two, you know who you are.)

Next up was the night before, an old acquaintance's birthday.  I was surprised to be invited but accepted because I hadn't spent much time with this group in many years, and they are all more friends of ex-lovers or ex-friends than my friends, so I could only assume it was a "the more the merrier" or "you've been missed" option.  Both were fine with me and while I was hoping to see those ex-lovers and friends, and didn't, I was not disappointed by who I did meet.  Among the group was a very entertaining and fun man, we will call him Mr. Teaser Pony.  He spent the majority of the night flirting and buying me drinks at all the bars we followed the birthday boy to.  The birthday boy had a mission, to hit every bar in town, and of course since there are over 200 of them that was never going to happen.  I think we hit 7 or 8 before we were all at our standard closing bar, Yesterdays.

Now here is where the story gets very interesting, at Yesterdays, there was a man, in the corner who was devilishly handsome and kept catching my eye, and to make matters better he was wanting to catch my eye, and when the birthday party left me for one more dance at another bar and then home, I decided to stay and see what would happen with Mr. Charisma. Turns out he and I have a lot in common as far as hobbies and interests, he's a geek too, and that's probably a given hanging out at that bar.  He was witty, and a shameless flirt, like Mr. Teaser Pony only Mr. Charisma CAN close the deal.  LOL (boy can he close the deal!)
Long story short, I almost didn't go out on Saturday night (see above) because I was having a hard time walking.  I love it when I get exactly what I want in bed.  Without even asking or hinting or anything.  He was very good at picking up on my verbal cues and well, points for Mr. Charisma.  Now all we have to do is see if he is going to be a repeat performance or a one night only performance.  If I believe what he tells me it will happen again, and he did make first contact the next day....even came by the apartment to help me get laced up in my corset...such a thoughtful man. I have added him to my A-Team of Mr. Hopeful, Mr. Practical and That Guy, not because he has put in nearly enough time with me to warrant that, but because like the rest of the A-Team, he's otherwise compromised.

I know, I know...all my girlfriends just went from GROAN....and believe me, if he were single my A-Team would still be just three and he would be his own team. But my A-Team will continue to be placeholders for my affections until a proper man comes my way, who is available both literally and emotionally...or until something happens to one of my A-Team to make them in this state.

And how likely is that to happen with any of them, you may ask? talking with them all about their marriages, because you know being a mistress is more than sex, you get to hear so much stuff that you really don't care about, but you find that they need to tell someone.  And you are the someone they trust.  I do like that part of it, the advice part.  And I do think I'm helping their marriages by fulfilling a role their wives do not, will not, or can not.  I know what you are thinking and in times of great depression I go there too, but not today.  These are men I first and foremost respect, and never want or will hurt.  I want them to be happy.  I don't really care if its with me or with their wives, but I can't stand seeing them unhappy, when I'm around to make them happy and maybe forget for awhile all the stress in their lives that are pulling them away from their chosen loves.  I really do feel like this with all of them, and would and will step aside when its over with no regrets or hard feelings.  Now is it the same depth for them all.  No.  My heart is swayed, so much more by one than the other three.  I think that might be two if one of them were in the same state as me, but I maybe confusing a great friendship with a great love there.  The other two are polar opposites in both attitude, longevity of knowing them, and the way they want me.

The only thing I can do is sit and smile, because if my A-Team is really just place holders for the next great love of my life, then this man is going to be phenomenal.  Because he will be a mixture of all four of them, and that will make him unforgettable.  And if I'm honest with myself I think one of them is already that guy, but of course he would not want to know that....or maybe he would....egos...doesn't matter, I'll never tell.  

So the lesson in this weeks blog is to get out there and experiment, find the qualities in a partner that you desire, trial and error, keep trying, and if you are like me and have a hard time throwing anything away, you might want to keep a few around until he or she walks into your life.  It's better, in my book, to have some fun, as long as no one gets hurt.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Friends You Don't Know You Have

It's no secret that I've had a bad bout with the flu and a nasty fall cold, back to back the end of September and beginning of October; making it difficult to work a full week, and so my paychecks have been rather small.  Also, of course, my breaks on my car decided to go at this point, and with the way things work now a days; the mechanic that I trust would not fix my car with out payment up front.  Unfortunately they've been stiffed too many times to let people pay repairs off anymore, and I was forced to open a charge card there, that I can't afford.  I am catching up on bills but afraid that my current salary won't cover my current expenses.  And of course, the area where I'm cutting back on is food....hence why I was sick a lot, resistance down and all, well you know.  I'm not complaining, really, just setting the stage so you understand what I'm about to tell you next.

My daughter is in a musical (The Rocky Horror Picture Show) and while I probably shouldn't have afforded it, last weeks blog talked about how I went and how great she was.  My Trivia Team, The Rum Runners, wanted to come with, but couldn't opening night, so My Favorite Bartender took me to it again on Friday night with them.  Such a nice man, and I'm happy to call one of my 'kids'.  We danced the Time Warp on stage with my daughter and it was a wonderful evening and so much more fun to share it with others that love her.  These friends I knew I had.  But felt I should mention them again before I continue onto the ones I didn't know I had.

Last night started out with three options for fun, and Saturday night is my favorite night for fun.  One with Mr. Hopeful, which never seems to happen when I think it's going to, so I figured it wouldn't, and I was right.  Two was with That Guy maybe late after Pat, and that one didn't sit right with me either, although it was my second choice for fun with a friend.  And the third was Pat McCurdy.  I chose Pat.

I finally decided on a costume for Pat's Annual Halloween bash and I was all dressed up in my 80's costume with goth makeup for a Pat song.  This year's choice for me was "Those Were Not The Days"  hehe--got a lot of compliments on the outfit too!  Unfortunately the best ones and most tempting came from taken or married men.  Story of my life!  So I would flirt a little back, not seriously, but serious enough to let them know I was flattered, and chalked it up to bravery.  Married men/taken men are not afraid to talk to a sexy older woman, because they are taken.  I'm not even going to try and give you all nicknames at this know who you are.  :D

It must have shown on my face and demeanor that I was 'concerned' about 'something'  because several people asked me if I was okay.  I have special Pat Family, and I had posted on one of their Facebook status that they should have a drink for me as I can not afford to attend this year.  That's right, money is so tight I couldn't even afford the $6.00 cover charge.  I just didn't want anyone to worry about me not being there, as I almost always make it.

I didn't do it expecting to get three separate offers from three of them to cover my cover charge and buy me a drink.  WOW.  I accepted the first of the three, not immediately, but as the day wore on and I started to realize that I should go. These tentative plans with other friends were not solid, no matter how much I wanted to see them both, and I should go and do something rather than sit here and be alone on a Saturday night.  So I accepted the first offer from...lets see, he doesn't have a nickname yet....I'll call him Mr. Know-It-Before-You.  (NOT mr. know-it-all...that's just mean and suggests he is wrong...which he might be sometimes, but so far, I've gotten correct and well thought out opinions from him).

Mr. Know-It-Before-You offered me to come to his place, meet his girlfriend, and he'd cover my cover charge and slip it to me so that no one knows.  What a nice man.  So I show up, and there are two other couples there, one hetero, one lesbian, not that that really matters, just setting the diversity stage of my friends. Anyway, it was a lot of fun, they had me sit down and eat supper with them...another surprise, and I liked them.  They were intelligent and opinionated and didn't shriek back in fear when my opinions didn't match them, just accepted it as a difference in people.  I miss that.  When Mr. Know-It-Before-You called me into the kitchen to slip me some money, he tried to give me much more than the $6.00 cover, and I foolishly said, "Oh no, I could never drink THAT much."  and he said, "No, how much do you need to get you through the week?"  I almost cried.  Which really would have ruined my makeup, so I held it together, and refused him, even though I knew I should have taken it.  Later I asked him if he was serious and he handed me more, saying not to worry about it.  Pay it forward.  Other than the $6.00 cover I kept every cent as I will need it to fill my car with gas to make it to work.  This is the type of kindness that I use to be able to do for my friends, and wish I could again, and am so thankful of his friendship.  And we aren't even close, we only met last year.  My friends even bought me drinks, or filled a glass from their pitchers for me as well.

Its the times like this, that really help you to understand who your real friends are.  The ones that are there for   you when the chips are down, not just when you are riding high.  I expect this kind of special attention from my close friends, or lovers, the ones that have lunch delivered to me when I'm sick or when they know I'm not eating, or just take me out to lunch to make sure I'm eating.  The ones that invite me over for a tarot reading, only to feed me too....sneaky bastards.  I love them.  But I guess I feel like that line from Streetcar, "I'm not use to the kindness of strangers."  For I feel like, except for Pat, we really don't have much else in common, or at least we don't know if we do.  And perhaps I should amend that with a yet.  Perhaps this is the beginning of a closer friendship.

The Pat McCurdy show was, as usual, just what I needed to lift my spirits. At intermission, I had Pat try to guess what song of his I was dressed up as, and when I told him he said, "I love that song!"  and then proceeded to play it the first song after intermission.  I don't know if he was always going to or not, since he hasn't played it in a while, but I have a feeling that my Pat Head Friends were trying to cheer me up, and maybe, just maybe that explains why I got some special attention from Pat in song.

He sang a verse of "I would pay to have sex with...(insert name here)"  and his on the spot rhyming was funny and accurate.  And not I'm not going to tell you my name, might be too easy to figure out what the sex rhyme was, and that's the price you pay for not coming to see Pat.  LOL And somehow I ended up holding his hand during Sex and Beer, and during that part of the song we are suppose to look to the person beside us and say all sorts of funny things.  If you are a constant reader of my blog, you might remember last year at Weinerfest when Brian and his super hot girlfriend, Araysa, became his super hot finance during this exact moment.  Well it was a show stopper, when Pat said, "look to the person beside you and say, "Kiss me you fool."  And I had been doing all my lines to Mr. Know-It-Before-You-Do, but not this one, as he had looked to his left, not to me.  All of a sudden I noticed it got very quiet for a finale of a rock show. One of those pauses on stage that seem longer than they really are.  So the actress in me slowly turns to my right, and Pat is looking at me, with hopeful, sad eyes that are purely acting, and I lost it.  I blushed and laughed and didn't kiss him.  So Mr. Know-It-Before-You-Do leaned in to kiss Pat.  Was a show stopper!  Of course it wasn't a real kiss, more like a quick peck.  But it saved the end of the show.

And I found with that ending, and all the other heartfelt inquiries into why I wasn't my usual upbeat self, that I knew these people, that I may only see once a month or so, really do care about me and like me.  We are a diverse group that might not have picked each other as friends if it weren't for our mutual love of Pat and his songs.  But I know now that it goes much deeper than that for some of us.  I'm glad that I was introduced to him and his music, even if the person that introduced me is not really someone I consider a friend anymore, just an acquaintance.  I think maybe that's why he briefly came back into my life a few years get me with this group of great people.

Note to self:  Do more with Pat Heads.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

"It Came From Outer-Space... 'On Janet's Face'....

This week was busy with work and tech week for my daughter's play, The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I was/am so proud of her, and seeing her in her first on stage production where she is singing and dancing and in character.  She's not just a show choir kid anymore.  Welcome to the next step at Bard University.    And she was wonderful, as was most of the entire cast.  And I love the feeling I get seeing her up there, so exciting, such a rush of anticipation.  I finally have an inkling of what my mother must have felt when she would come to my shows.  How wonderful she thought they all were, and how much she wished she could have afforded to go to every performance.  That's how I feel.

I went to opening night, and was one of the only audience members yelling out at the appropriate or inappropriate places.  The audience participation for this play is very famous, and I was a bit disappointed that the opening night audience was so quiet.  Didn't stop me.  As my daughter was counting on someone to be brave enough to yell out.  It's funny, but its been so many years since I've seen it with a live audience, that I forgot half of the shit we use to scream at the movie screen back in the 80's.  I promised the narrator that I'd bone up for my next performance. And much to my pleasure and surprise, my daughter was incredibly proud of my comments on her fellow actors.

She shared with me this story:
"So during intermission, the boys (Riff and Frank) were commenting on how much they loved your comments, and then Magenta said, 'Some woman just flipped me off!'  and I said, 'Oh, yeah.  That was my mom.' and she said, 'Oh I HAVE to meet her.'  Then Riff said, 'She should get to come to every show for free just to yell at us.  It was great when she said, "Slaves!" before my Servants (line).'"

Kids today...they just don't remember the old school comments.  An audience member thought I was a plant, and came up to me after the show and said, "You were great, brought back a lot of memories, you even had a lighter."  and I smiled politely and suggested, "You should bring one when you come again, I'm just here to see my daughter."  And he grinned and said, "We will."  Was kinda cool the owner/director of the theater was standing right there and heard it.  Doubt it will get me comp tickets, but hey, you never know.

My trivia team, or a close part of them (4) are taking me with them on the 19th.  Very sweet of My Favorite Bartender to buy my ticket so I can go again.  And my son and his wife may be coming that night as well, which would be perfect.  I guess when I was told I was a 'proud mamma' last night that was the most honest badge to date.  I am.  And wear that badge proudly.  I wish you could all share this with me.  Second generation actress.  Her brother beat her to this in high school, when he was in a play, his one brief moment on stage,with his friend Star.  I remember feeling like this then too, but I knew for him, it was a one time thing, that he hadn't actually been bit by the theater bug.  Diana, however, I believe might have been.  If not bit, at least nipped.  When she comes home from rehearsals  and now performances, her stories are the stories of someone in love with The Theater.  And everything that goes into making a production work, even the things that drive you to drink.  This could be the beginning of something very fun to watch.  And I'm glad I was one of two she thanked in the program for the influence.   

There are so many people I want to share this experience with.  If you are near me and remember our friendship fondly, or if you're still close to me and want a new memory, please try to come to the show, and see our shy girl, that you watched grow up, find her voice.  Right in front of you!  Its magical.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

What A Week!

I'm not really sure where to begin, the last week of Oktoberfest was a whirlwind of parties and commitments, Monday-Saturday I had something going on every night last week, from the usual weekly trivia team and a Pat McCurdy concert, to two birthdays (one my daughter's) and one wedding, (my son's).  SIDEBAR:  I was going to blog about how crazy insane and stupid it was for none of my kids dads to make it to their son's wedding, but I figured since they obviously don't care, why should I?

A busy busy week, with no time to even stop to catch my breath.  Such a week of changes it seems like everyone is making significant changes to their lives.  I'm not actually making any changes in my life, but everyone's changes are sure effecting my life.   (Cue Changes, by Bowie)

I feel like big changes are in the air, maybe it's just that fall is quickly spinning into winter here, no snow here yet but flurries north of here...only a matter of time, and once again, I do not feel ready for the winter, this year more than next, but while I am planning to snuggle in for a long winter, others are spreading their wings and trying new adventures in jobs, or locations, or living arrangements, some more than one of these.  Mr. Practical has even gone so far as to quit Facebook in an attempt to have more time to write or do the things he wants to do.  Which doesn't effect us, as we've not communicated on Facebook for over a year.  And still talk almost every day.  I've actually thought of giving Facebook up myself, but it is still the one place I can easily keep up with everyone, and not have to be afraid that I'm drifting from them.  And as sad as this is going to sound, I believe it's the wave of the future not a comment on my loneliness; but, most of my friends and social activities that happen, happen through Facebook.  And granted these are friends or lovers that are personal people in my life, that can actually arrange to meet me in person, I would hope if I disappeared off Facebook they would still call on the phone (does anyone do that anymore?) or text me what was up.....but I wonder.  People get so busy.  And for me and Mr. Hopeful it is the only form of communication, I'm obviously not going to give that up without and alternate.  And That Guy?  Well he always seems to find me, even when I don't want to be found, so for him I'm not all that concerned that we'd ever drift for long.

Normally all the changes in my loved ones lives would bring me to the edge of an un-lived and imagined future of dramatic forgone conclusions.  Mountains out of molehills....I'm good at making them, and sometimes in their creation I bring about the exact fearful future that I envision.  This is bad.  This is a very, very bad result and certainly, tragically, the one I'm trying to avoid.  But sometimes, when I can't control a situation.  Or I can't see an immediate solution to a problem I can see coming at me full tilt, I feel like I'm suddenly in a leaky kayak with a broken oar, approaching the Colorado River rapids.  But this morning, I don't.  I'm surprised by this new growth.  This new letting go of control, or rather letting go of the stress of the uncontrollable.  Its been changing in me slowing, with baby steps for the last two years, but this morning, I'm not paralyzed, or jealous, or anxious.  I'm actually relaxed, dreamy and hopeful.  This boosts my confidence and sensuality.  Which is very, very good.  And this is all due to communication.  The right communication.  Open, honest, and not hiding anything for fear of causing pain.  Pain is life, but pain only hurts if you let it.  It's trite, but attitude is everything, and I choose hope over regret.  Finally.