Sunday, April 29, 2012

My Life Is Imitating A Movie And It Is NOT A Romantic Comedy!

Friday night I had a once in a life time experience and it is not one I ever want to have again.  The evening started off with a surprise birthday party for a friend on my trivia team and it was a great event.  Lots of his friends coming and going, lots of free drinks and lots of great conversation and people watching.  I had provided transportation for a mutual friend that was trying to not drink and drive....a lesson I should have payed more attention to.

As 12:30 am approached and we all started having visions of bacon and pancakes we decided to take a couple of cars to a local restaurant for some food.  I, being more sober than my passengers, took the wheel with my usual confidence....over confidence as it turned out.

And on my way to said restaurant, my passenger that was trying to be good, reminded me that he wanted to go home.  The light was red, and I had stopped, and nothing was coming so I proceeded.  Like a stupid idiot, I broke the law.  And within maybe five seconds more red lights and pretty blue ones, were in my rear-view mirror.  A sight no one likes when sober, but everyone hates when slightly tipsy.  Which I was.
The officer asked me the usual questions, where I had been, where I was going, and if I owned the vehicle.  Then, the dreaded pause...and, the statement, not question, "step out of the car, miss"

You know it's bad when they call you miss when you are older.  The birthday boy sighs, 'oh great.' and the passenger in the back, well, he  is looking at me as if he is experiencing his worst nightmare all  over again.
I felt almost like I was having an 'out of body experience' as I tried to pass the field sobriety test.  And i did pretty well with the walking and the alphabet, and the following the finger with my eyes.  I couldn't balance on one foot, but i have difficulty doing that sober anymore. Yoga is not my friend, and I was a bit surprised that my body was not responding like it use too.  This is where the night starts to turn into a sit com.  I kept thinking, 'I know I can do this if I try harder.'  HA!  The officer had to tell me the test was over.  But I suddenly felt like Elaine in Sienfield.  "No...I can do this".  They smiled.  You know that smile you give old people that you feel sorry for but kind of like.  I knew then I obviously need to get back to a gym.

Then I got to give my first blow....on the breath test you dirty minded people.  And then the movie turned into a Crime Drama, I actually heard the "bing-bing" sound from that CSNY or whatever show it is.  You know the sound.  As the officers, all three of them, crowded around my tests talking together in whispers.
Then one of them came over to me, actually the cutest one, and said, "put your hands behind your back" and they cuffed me.  I have to admit that was HOT.  And led me away from my friends who were looking at me from the windows of my car like stranded puppies at the pet store that no one wanted.  My heart went out to them, as the remaining two officers got them out of my car, grabbed my purse and parked my car in a safe place.  I believe they also got my friends a taxi, but I'm not too sure on that.  As we approached the squad car, my movie in my head suddenly turned to porn as the officer said the best line of the night.  "Can you lean up against my car and spread your legs?" (Oh BOY!  CAN I!)

Now for those of you that know me personally I know you can see the expression that crossed my face and you also know that it took EVERY OUNCE of my self control NOT to cock off, at this point.  This is why I need an attorney, so that does not come out in court.  For as my best friend said to me when I told her this story, "Your Honor, may I respectfully tell the court that this lady actually has a real sense of humor." So rare in this day in age, but true, I do.  And someday it will either get me burned at the stake, shot, or in jail.  So biting my tongue I did as I was told, for the next hour and a half, I answered questions, did breath tests, and actually made the officers laugh and was talking politics with them.  They are as afraid of the presidential choices as me, but that's another blog.  And here is where my movie changed again from porn back to Seinfield, as only me and Jerry could get away with sit com in handcuffs.

While all this was going on my drunk friends were texting some more sober than us and one sober one that had been with us, and my phone, in my purse, in the hallway, was exploding with texts from said friend.  The officers noticed and smiled at me, knowing my network of friends was already alerted to my situation and on their way to help.  I love them.  And would mention them, but I don't name drop in my blog.  They 'officially' told me I could call on my cell as many people as I needed to to get a ride, or just let them know when to expect the one that was texting.  And I did, and well, they came!  As promised, and I was never happier to see the three of them in my life.  They were so nice, to take me to my car and drive my car home for me, at 3 in the morning.

Now this is public record in my state, so I'm not hurting my case or saying anything that I won't be telling my boss tomorrow.  This is also the first time in my life I have ever been caught for anything and arrested so I was scared, and I still am about what may happen.  I will tell you, that I was not at the legal limit for arrest, below it actually.  I think this is why the officers let me go with a sober ride, instead of making me stay there over night.  And because this was my first offence...on anything.  I'm obviously not a reckless person in the laws eyes.  But I am in my own now.  Did you feel that shift?... I did.  But I was glad that my movie changed from porn to Sienfield.  Oh and the other Sienfield moment, might come on my court date, because now two of us have the same court day and we were both rescued by the same people, so I can see them, in court that morning, with a bucket of popcorn and a bag of twizzlers watching the drama with great big smiles.

Now I'm hiding.  I'm afraid I'm being watched all the time.  I see cops everywhere now.  And I KNOW it's just me being paranoid, but it still feels like a Sienfield moment.  I know I need to be more careful and smarter.  This was a good thing, as far as wake up calls go.  And believe me, if your intent is to comment as if you were my parent and 'beat me up' verbally, go for it.  I've already done more damage there than you ever could.  I'm much harder on myself than I am on you, as a child, friend or lover.  Remember whichever category you happen to fall into in my life.  But if you want to comment with support or advice, please also go for it.

Let me take this opportunity topublicaly thank my wonderful network of friends both that night/morning, and the real morning after three hours of sleep, when the concerned, "what happened?" texts and instant messages came from concerned friends regarding my facebook stauts.  The friends from Pat concerts that cared were unexpected and so welcomed. I have been blessed with more caring and loving hearts then I knew I had.  And for those of you that are angry right now that I didn't personally share this with you, when you also may have missed my status or thought, if it's important she will tell me....well, I guess you know now that I don't always talk about things that are going on...with everyone.  Some things are hard to talk about without someone asking first.  And with a few of you, well, I just trust you so completely that I had to tell you.  And while that same group thinks I should get out and have some fun this weekend, with a driver, of course.  I just am not ready to be out around people, even all of you that love me and care.  I just am too embarrassed that I made this stupid mistake.  Not just disobeying the traffic law, that was just dumb and impatient.  But more importantly getting behind the wheel when I knew I was questionable.  This will not happen again.  (I can't say never, because I know what happens when you say never....Fate is a bitch about that.)

So if you are disappointed in me after reading this, you are not alone, I am too.  And with time and talking to the attorney, I'll feel better about myself.  Let this be a lesson to you.  They can ticket and arrest you for being buzzed, not legally drunk, it happened to me.  Be smart, and careful.

Oh and as a side note, I think this proved my oft heard statement that my kids saved my life.  Getting married and pregnant young made me stop this kind of behavior while I raised them.  So I guess I need to either get married and have more kids so I am responsible, or hook up with someone with kids already that I can help raise...hum...I like that idea better somehow.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

"Life is a unique combination of "want to" and "how to" and we need to give equal attention to both.~Jim Rhon

It has been a rather uneventful week.  Work wise things fell into place for this coming week.  Learning to live by commission is difficult, and it takes a lot of discipline.  Discipline that I don't think I had in my twenties.  Discipline to not spend every dime, and save for the 'what if' something goes wrong, months.  And for taxes next year.  My 'want to' is to be successful at this goal, my 'how to' is my self discipline.

Self discipline is the hardest thing I do for myself on a daily basis.  No matter what I'm facing.  Work, love life, partying life.  I work hard and I party hard.  This is my choice and I'm happy with it.  Because my business is rolling, I'm getting more and more busy during the day.  I could pretty much be guaranteed to be able to fit in a lunch date or re arrange my work calendar to fit in a social event. But my 'want to' is becoming more and more difficult to accomplish.  My mind tries to plan a 'how to', but the plans usually fall through.  This is a huge inconvenience.  There is one special person in my life that I may not get to see much anymore, and this saddens me.  I can't figure out a 'how to'.

But such is life, and life has a way of putting obstacles in your path to see what is really important to you.  What you really need.  And while I believe I need him in my life, and want to spend time with him, if I couldn't it would not destroy me.  Because I believe I know both our hearts and time and distance will not change feelings.  Not time and distance alone.  They help, but they are not the culprits.  No the real culprit is self discipline.

I came to a decision a couple of weeks ago after the best date of my entire life, and it is this.  I'd rather be alone than be without him.  And I know this will probably drive him away, I can't help what I feel, and refuse to try.  My love for him will remain until it doesn't.  And I know nothing is forever.  Although these feelings, as they always do, feel like they will be around forever, only time will tell.  And as a self discipline test of my affections for him I decided that no matter how much I was tempted, I would not bring a 'toy' home with me after the Pat concert...which I have done in the past.  I told myself and the universe that I would be good, and content in the love I feel for him and see if I found it difficult at all.  If I was going to be tempted it would be there.  With all the drinking and joyous vibes that surround the usual Pat concert..

Of course I ran into a 'toy', Crisis.  And he was not up front with us as he usually is, and didn't make any effort to even say hello to me, we literally ran into each other in a doorway, hugged and said hi, and moved on. just like that, it was over. It felt like he was hoping I wouldn't notice he was there.  And I wasn't even upset.  Had I had any real emotion for Crisis I would have been.  And while I've felt completely indifferent to my 'toys' for a while now, it felt good that the universe was helping me with my decision.  I also need to say I was not a flirt last night.  And I usually am.  So part of me is afraid that I've 'turned it off' again as my daughter-in-law might accuse me of.  And she might be right.  But if that's the case....then it's over my love for him.

Strangely enough, it wouldn't be the first time I've hidden for decade over wanting to be alone if I can't have my hearts desire.  Now if you are a constant reader you know I like change, and growth.  And this seems like a self discipline is a habit....but is this a good habit for me?  Is it time again to be the hermit?  Will my memories of us get me through a busy time, without my 'crazy girl brain' being my worst enemy?
I wonder.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Never Say Never - It just tempts Fate

Thunder storms are one of the most romantic sounds I know, and last night my dreams must have been effected by them.  I was rewarded with the most wonderful dream of him, here beside me.  Cuddled together in my gynormous bed....we barely need use half of it.  In the dreams I can see him so vividly, and remember his touch so accurately, that when I awake, I'm surprised I'm not still kissing him.  The pale muted light that colors everything here a tone of gray further blankets my emotions and I fall blissfully back to sleep to miraculously continue dreaming of us.  Only now we are in public and can't stop touching each other...

A secret desire  manifest full blown in my subconscious?  Perhaps.  I've had this dream before.  It's familiar to me.  It's why I remember so much of it, repetition.  I've looked up the symbolization enough to know what it means.  I've actually had this dream with different partners, at different times in my life.  So while this may seem like a wonderful dream to you, to me it is both, euphoria and despair.  For me it means that I might not be breaking the patterns that I think I am.  Which is not growth.  And you know I'm a huge fan of growth.
That's what I know.

What I can't deny?
I'm happy.
I really am.
I know I shouldn't be.
I know I don't deserve to be.
I know I don't deserve you.
I know you will never be mine.
I don't care, because I love you.
I can't choose whom I love.
I can't turn off what I feel.
I won't wait.
I won't disappear.
I will be here.

Everything gets very clear when what you can't deny is also what you know.  Like for me, right now.  It all becomes not only what you know, but who you are.  It's almost like you can hear the chink as another piece of who you are is realized in your ego.  And that is growth!  And that is change.  And that is always good.  Even if it makes things seem more difficult, in reality they just got easier.

Live who you are, and what you know.  It's really all you can do.  Stop fighting with yourself over who you are, and just embrace who you are, as you grow and change.  We've heard it all before, life is a journey.  Don't be a passenger in your own life, be the driver.  Live.  Love.  Laugh.  Its a beautiful day to be alive!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

looking up

i can't help my feelings
i can't turn them off
i know i should
but how can something that feels this right
be wrong?

lessons learned seem to have lost all meanings 
my mind should be arguing with my heart
i find that my mind is skipping along behind, content
to let life unfold
the excitement of letting that happen, is empowering

perhaps living in the moment
as hard as it is
is much better than 
clinging to the past
or hoping on a future that is clouded in mystery

hold on tight for the ride
let it take your breath away
be cheerful in the joy of the moment
and keep that spring in your step
anticipation and confidence is sexy

Sunday, April 8, 2012

The Power Of Bacon

It is simple.  It is the perfect food.
It not only tastes great, in any situation; but it is also soothing to any mood.  Now what other food can say that?

I'll go even further, and state that I believe that bacon has actual healing properties.  It doesn't matter what mood I'm in bacon makes it better.  Let me say that again, because a few of you out there may believe that this is only said for chocolate.  And while I will admit, that chocolate was the first food I discovered had this effect on me, bacon came a close second.  as soon as I had teeth, as a matter of fact.  And it's actually more healthy for you when you want a salty snack.  Better than chips.

It doesn't matter what mood I'm in bacon makes it better.  That's so important to know.  Because women are hard to handle, and what man do you know that doesn't love bacon?

In fact I'll go even further, and pose, have you ever met anyone that didn't like bacon?  Anyone?  Anyone?....Bueller?  Because I haven't.  And what type of person would that be...someone that didn't like bacon?  An alien perhaps...a serial killer?

You see how the power of bacon, with mass repeated consumption, can develop your physic abilities to detect aliens?  I wonder if it would help with physic disorders?  Perhaps that is what the next great medical thesis will be, by some far thinking doctor.

I believe in Bacon.  Happy easter everyone!
.....Bacon in 2014...
oh wait, capitalization.  That might cause confusion of bacon with Kevin Bacon, bad idea.  Forget that last part.  :)

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Bad Things Come In Threes...

What a bummer of a week.  Not even the whole week, actually the week was pretty good, Friday sucked.  Got bad news from three different areas of my life all on the same day.  They say trouble comes in threes and I think I've had my bad news for the year now.  I can't go into detail, but I think you will find some similarities in your life with the bare essentials because as a community of humans we are all going through the same thing.  This weeks blog is not to air dirty laundry or get to personalm but to help each other cope.  Because that's the real trick isn't?

So  my bad news came in the area of work, medical and legal issues.  All wonderful areas to have problems in, and all full of red tape of one kind or another.  Before my kids jump off a bridge with worry, the possible pending legal issue is mine, everything else is friends, but still effected my week.

How did I cope?  I chose my favorite poison and decided to be numb for a day.  Just not think about anything or anyone else's problems.  Just for one day.  Yesterday.  And that worked.  I haven't been that relaxed in a long time.  You may not need a poison, or your 'poison' can be a good thing.  What ever you are addicted to, exercise, running, movies, books, or the big three, sex, drugs and rock n roll...what ever it is, take a day for yourself and just do it.  Get out.  Get away.  Live the fantasy.  It's your life, and you only get this one.  There is nothing after, and even if there is, you won't remember it.  You don't get to know about past lives or future ones.  Your life is now.  This is what counts.  What you do with your life while you can still move and think and go to the bathroom under your own power is what will help you through your long nights alone.  And if you are one of those that think because you are married maybe with children, that you'll never be alone.  HA.  I got some bad news for you sunshine....'we all die alone'.

So instead of being upset that your life has taken a bad turn, or you seem to have all the bad luck, stop.  Take a day to be numb or feel sorry for yourself or whatever you need to regroup.  And then take a deep breath and do something about it.  Make a plan to fix your problem.  Head it off at the pass if you can, and if you can't do that, batten down the hatches for the shit-storm you know is coming.  And believe in yourself and your  own resources.  After all, you got yourself this far in life, right?  And I bet in most of your problems as a grown up, you did it all on your own, and you solved it all on your own.  You may have had good and bad advise but in the end, the decisions and actions were yours alone.

And remember to be honest with yourself.  Do not do anything that makes you feel negative about yourself.  You are your own worst enemy and best friend in this area.  And you may surprise yourself in what you are capable of doing for love or a friend in need or a family member.  But don't let that stop you if you feel good about what you are doing.  That's personal growth, and it's a required and repeated course in your life journey.  And personal growth is just that....personal.  No one has a right to judge you on it.  Because like your smile or your laugh it's yours and yours alone.

Bad things that happen test who you are, not for anyone else, but for you.  And if you are paying attention you will see who you are as you change.  If you are not you will miss it, but those who love you will not.  They will see the changes, you can think you hiding them from them, but you are wrong.  They will see them, because they love you.  I guess that's kind of a sneaky way to see who loves you, and who may just be saying the words.

Something to think about...