Sunday, March 25, 2012

Don't Worry....Be Happy

I'm starting to feel like I should concentrate on one thing and then everything else will just fall into place.  It's getting harder and harder to keep track of everything, and the stress level, while manageable now, can only get worse.

My job is starting to kick off, and to keep it like this I need a lot of determination, a little luck, and the discipline to keep trying.  That's the easy and the hard part.  Rejection is not an easy thing to live with.  Weather it's from a prospect or, say a lover.

I think I'm getting much better at the rejection from both avenues.  I've had enough rejection at work to get used to the 'No, thanks, just not interested' or 'I don't need it,' responses.  And this has helped my business.  What I need to get use to is the personal rejection.

For example:  Like when the man you really want to be with is too busy to see you, and you find yourself not only willing but happy to just be near him.  Even if you can't touch, or talk, or be yourselves.  Or like when you watch one of your toys try to tell you that he's not a date, when he is, and the mini hope you had of perhaps playing with said toy, vanish right along with your self esteem.

The good news is that I had so much fun at all the events where I ran into said men, that it didn't really matter all that much.  And it never became the focus of my night or my feelings.  (Yay personal growth)  I was having too much fun to be jealous or regret a thing.  And both men were as attentive as they could be under the circumstances, so I give them props for that and know I will run into them again under more desirable circumstances.

The week and weekend have been jam packed with things to do and friends to hang out with.  I am very blessed by them.  One of my 'daughters' took such good care of me last night, as I had a bit too much to drink at the Pat McCurdy new CD release party.  And earned the new nickname, 'Cleavage', by Pat, as he called me up on the stage to dance with him and one of my favorite pat head friends.  I'm sure I was blushing as I took the stage with "The Super Hot Finance", and was rewarded with the wide, (and one knowing) grins of my friends and toy.   And I while I went downtown after with a group of them, I was drinking water only by then, I was able to see that my toy and his 'date' were looking less and less date like.

But, in life you gotta try right?  And you have to be able to let people go and do their thing.  They will anyway, so you need to get use to the idea that you really only have control over you.  And in all honestly that is all you should want to or need to have control over.  So when loved ones disappoint you remember to do this:  take a breath, think about the long term, and decipher your feelings before you act.  Because it can really suck if you don't.  And you acquire all the you wished for only to find out that now you are stuck with someone you can't get rid of. This is why I'd rather not chase, but chased instead.  At least then I know I am desired without a doubt.

I wanted freedom, and boy to I have it.  Now that I have it I find that I'm becoming okay again with being single.  Two years ago I awakened the lust and libido...and that has been very rewarding and I've learned a lot about myself in the process.  Some things that have surprised me, but I bet, quite frankly have not surprised some of you.

Well, all I can say to that, is we all learn at different levels and when you are reflecting on yourself, it can take much longer then when you see it in another.  I know I deserve better than what I'm settling for, but as long as I'm happy, that should be all that matters to anyone.  Because after all, isn't that what we are all trying to be....happy?


Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Worst First Date Ever

I usually go out on this holiday, it can be more fun than New Year's Eve, but this year I was happy to stay home and celebrate alone. Friday was full of anticipation and ended in the worst first date ever, and Saturday was a perfect day, got some writing done, which hasn't happened in a long time, got some things done around the apartment, caught up on some tv shows, and spent precious little time with my hearts desire and have gaming to look forward to tonight with my group.

And yes I did hide up there that there was a first date on Friday night.  Was introduced by a mutual Pat Head friend after last months' Pat McCurdy concert when I was downtown with Crisis.  The guy was confident then, and I like that.  Made a move to ask me on a date, even though I was already on one with Crisis.  But because he is so young, and this guy, we'll call him Mr. Always Right.  The guy seemed nice enough when he approached me for a dinner date, and his killer line was, "I want to find out what's inside there."  pointing at my brain.  Write that one down guys, it works.  What woman isn't more interested when they want what's between your ears before what's between your legs?

Well life is busy and we both are plus my recent pneumonia and his flu and covering for sick people, kept us from the time for setting a dinner date, and we opted for drinks Friday night.  
Long story short, I found out that I'm getting much better at seeing the red flags on a guy.  Before I get invested.  I was interested because he is older than me.  What I found out was that he's close to retirement, doesn't want marriage again, but want's someone to see the world with so I need to get my passport in gear and pick a place.  He's been divorced for 12 years with an 11 year old daughter.  I wanted more information, to delve deeper into the why's to see what type of man his is, but his short answers seemed enough for him.  (warning number one....doesn't like details...I do)  He seemed cool still, and with it, but was not.  His concern was he was too old for me, and he was right. Not because of his actual age, about 14 years my senior, but because he was not still young minded, and I am much younger minded than my years on the planet.

The next thing to bother me was that while he talked a good game, he was not listening to any of my answers to the many questions about my life.  And therefore he was left to jump to conclusions.  Now my life is just like yours, full of special reasons why I don't fit into stereotypes.  And if you judge me on my short answers without listening to the stories of my life, you will not get inside my head or learn anything real about me or what's between my ears.  Which was the reason I came at all, and what I thought was his interest.
 Unfortunately he asked me the same questions many times....either too old to retain the answer or maybe thought the answer would change if asked over and over. I tend to believe the later and it worried me that he might have a controlling nature.

 Many other red flags popped up, like he seemed to want me to stop dating everyone in my life right now, just to date him.  Because as he put it,' I didn't know it yet, but I could stop looking'.  Odd how the lines that come out of a 60 year old are the same that come out of a 25 year old.  And because 'I didn't know it yet' is precisely why I wouldn't stop dating until i did, right?

Then there was the flag that he might want to change me other than my dating habits.  When he asked where I wanted to go for dinner I told him Diggers.  When he asked again he gave me a choice of Waterfront, or Piggy's.  To which I responded that I liked them both too, but since he had never been to Diggers and it's my favorite, we should try it.  He asked me this question three times, and I said Diggers each time.  He had to have heard red flag.  This also happened with the bar choice for the date, to which he finally just chose the one he really wanted to go to.  Of course it was not a bar I'd ever been to, but new experiences don't scare me.  I welcome them.  (funny side story, ended up running into one of my Wednesday night trivia team, and my boss and his wife and a couple they were meeting....small world, and ended up being the best part of the date, even though there were only introductions...oops)

When it became apparent that I was not going to be swept off my feet by this guy on a drinks date, and when I was not responsive to giving up my life until several dates later, he just got up and left.  No goodbye, no guess we can just be friends, no have a nice night, no nothing....and it was another snap decision on his part.  quick to judge, quick to anger....(thank you RUSH) .  In his defense he called me right away from his car as I was leaving and didn't apologize but did say that he was concerned that I was dating a few other men, and still hoped dinner was on.  I told him that I'd still have dinner with him sometime, and left it at that.  It's not true, of course, and I never expect to hear from him again.  If he does  call I think I'll have to say, "Listen, I'll come to dinner as along as it's dutch and as along as I can meet you, because frankly I don't want to be stranded if you decide you don't like something I say and leave again."  There is a huge difference in being mature and old, or young minded and immature.

I felt for a first date his demands and opinions were a bit much.  Not to mention the facts that I really didn't get to find out if we have anything in common, which was my goal.  So I can only decide on the many things we don't have in common...oh did i mention that he's Lutheran (not that being Lutheran is a bad thing, I have many friends in this faith and it's one of the less pushy ones), thinks he's a great cook and plays the trumpet?  Sounds way too much like Mr. Selfish, my third husband....same church, same hobby, same controlling attitude.  I don't want to be someone's companion that is an agreeable kind of hired escort.  I want to be someone's partner in life.  And this guy, is not it.

Casting net into sea of fish....lets see what comes up this time.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Fill Your Days With Life

Spring is in the air here in the great white north, and it has been for a while.  The mild winter was in itself a disappointment for those of us that enjoy some winter sports and activities in the snow, for the rest of us it was a welcome relief to the icy roads and piles of white stuff. Yesterday it was high 60s for a temp, with a waning full moon, and a warm and welcoming breeze.  The breeze made the gypsy in me come alive as I accomplished some spring cleaning in my apartment.  The first step to the gypsy in my soul packing up for the seasonal escape to richer pockets and bigger ports.  If I could I would kidnap Mr. Hopeful and we would escape, but alas that is not a possibility, and no romantic escape would be complete without him, so I will funnel this wanderlust into positive energy for our trysts, and for my solo adventures in the night.

The most dangerous thing a true gypsy can do is stay in one play too long, and I have certainly done that this time.  The roots I have developed in this city are deep, and while I know I'm never forced to be in one place anymore, I find I cannot leave for warming climates, calming ocean breezes or clean mountain air....not just yet....not while he is here, and not while we are so much a part of each others daily life.

I've argued with myself over and over about what I feel, I've tried to talk myself out of emotions that I have no control over.  Once you know you love someone, once you admit that emotion, it's very hard to ignore it.  Even if your situation is, shall we say, complicated.  Complications tend to fade into the background, and I  find that when I'm with him all I think about is us.  I'm completely in the moment.  That is so rare for me.  I usually have a very hard time at getting my mind to switch off.  But with him, all I need to see is his eyes, looking into mine, and I'm relaxed, for I know I'm loved.  His smile follows me for days and the precious little time we get together is always the highlight of my week.

And while he is not my entire life, he makes my entire life more fun and worth getting out of bed and trying.  Having someone to share everything with is the difference between filling your days with life or filling your life with days.  I spent over ten years hiding after breaking up with a man I should have married.  And that was a healing time for me, not a fun, out there dating time.  It was good for me to learn to live with me, and I was still raising my kids after my last divorce.  So it was very important to become me, not someones daughter, wife or mother.  Now with my kids grown and on their own, I am finally having my 20s in my 40s.  And let me tell you, it ROCKS.  I think it's almost better to have a wild time when you have some experience to help you make better choices....

Am I making better choices?  Some would argue that they can't see how I am, but I know I am.  And that's all that really matters.  Being able to like yourself and your choices.  That's the secret to a life with no regrets.  That's the easy part.  The hard part is growing and changing with your choices.  And seeing life from all sides, all the gray areas, and accepting them.  Getting rid of the preconceptions, and judgmental attitudes.  Accepting your morals.  Accepting who you are.  Even if you aren't perfect.  Guess what?  No one is.  Everyone makes mistakes.  And some of the worst things that have happened to me, have turned out to be the best things.  And all the people I love the most, have lived life, and not only understand this, but preach it too.  Life is short, ask yourself this question:  When am I going to live the life I want and that makes me happy, instead of the life I have?  Now if you answer this question with a number, you need to either do that and set your plan in motion, or just start now...start today.  If you can't answer this question, then you really need to think about your life and come up with something to make you happy, and if you laugh at this because you are already living that life....well my friend, you get to come to my island on my boat, as soon as I get it.


Sunday, March 4, 2012

Not Easy, But Worth It.

I've come to the realization very recently, that I'm happiest when life is a little difficult.  I think this comes from being taught at an early age how to be independent.  Coming from a broken home, I pulled my own weight.  Wait a minute...I hate that.  I'm not from a broken home.  My mom made a great home for us, all by herself.  We were not broken.  We were survivors.  And I learned that I don't need a man to complete me by watching her.  I learned that I like myself and like my time with me.  That I have more to give in any relationship because I'm not co-dependent or needy.  I'm the person you can lean on.  I can take it.  I do have the only child syndrome that makes me want to be the center of attention, but that ends once I have your attention, or know how to get it.  :)  Like now.

I'm happier than I have been in a long time.  I have a job that allows me more freedom than I've ever experienced in the past and while I know I will have bad weeks, and good weeks, I like being my own boss, and setting my own schedule.  It's a requirement now for my extra curricular activities are, shall we say, very spontaneous.  Which I also find very exciting and fulfilling.  I'm having fun exploring all the opportunities out there romantically.  There certainly are a lot of fish in the sea.  And apparently, with some patience, all good things do come to those who wait.

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.  And believe me, I have none.  I have learned to live with my choices and realize that I like who I am and they made me who I am.  As much as I wish I had a time machine to see how things might have been different with Mr. Hopeful or Mr. Practical, its curiosity after all.  They are still in my life and I know always will be in some way.  And that's good enough for me.  It has to be, right?

Life unfolds at its own pace.  Fate really has no control over you, nothing is predestined.  There is no grand plan.  So wake up everyday that you can, with a smile on your face, because you have been given another day to make your life what you envision.  To live your dreams.  Make them reality.  I take the opportunities given me.  Even if they seem sometimes to be the wrong choice, or the more difficult person to be with.  I like a challenge.  Always have.  And I've discovered that when a chance comes to me I am given that choice, maybe not for a 'reason' or a 'grand plan' but because my life happened to cross yours.  And if I don't take the chance I'll never know, will I?  And I'm too curious not to know.

So take the chance.  If it changes your life, let it.  No one said it would be easy, just worth it!  I KNOW I'm worth it.  I gamble that you are too.  :D