Sunday, September 17, 2017

Ferris Wheel....Not Bueller

Rearranging my studio, and shopping later today for some additions, is helping my wanderlust.  I am now nesting in for winter, and looking forward to visits from both my grown children this month and next  Also She of Little Combat Boots and her family are taking a trip to Chicago and I am one of the reasons to make it a family vacation.  End of September and October promises to be full of fun and surprises and I can't wait.

And it also just goes to show you that when you are feeling your most vulnerable and alone, life can sometimes show you just how wrong you are.  And I love that about life.  The unexpected changes.  I know sometimes they seem to be horrible changes, but when I reflect upon my past, I understand how all of them led me to a brighter future. 

Some people who believe in religion would call that faith or the presence of a higher power that is gently, or not so gently, guiding you to where you should be.  Others might say you are always where you should be.  I personally feel that it's just Fate.  Life is like a big ocean and you have to learn to swim at an early age.  It's a sink or swim existence.   The wheel of life constantly turning.  Like a giant Ferris wheel.  When you're up, enjoy the view because you will be at the bottom again.  But when you are at the bottom try not to be sad or depressed because you will rise up again.  (Ferris Wheel, and Ferris Bueller....Now HE know how to live life in the fullest....I wonder if that name connection was on purpose...discuss)

It's hard to remember this and enjoy life in the present.  To try to give life the opportunity to be wonderful every moment that you are awake.  Life has it's own demands on our time.  Some might feel unfair demands of work over pleasure.  But it's, unfortunately, the way our society chosen to grow up.  And now we are so ingrained in working for a living, that we have forgotten how to live.  Our down time becomes more precious to us than the all mighty dollar that we work so hard to achieve. 

So when a family member or friend decides to spend some of that time with me, I am overjoyed and honored.  Because I know how precious that is.  When I was younger I used to get jealous over the time friends would spend with other friends, without my inclusion.  And at times I would try to force myself into the event.  So sad.  So alone.  And you'd think as an only child I would have been used to being alone.  It has become my natural state.  But I believe when I was younger I did this because I didn't want to be alone.  I wanted siblings and children and a large family in my future.  I got the children.  I never did get the siblings, even though I gave the honor to 'brother' or 'sister' to many in my past.  That honor was never really accepted in the vein that it was given, and the ones I chose to bestow it upon, proved unworthy of my love or acceptance as 'family'. 

So reluctantly, I moved on, and eventually, in my forties, stopped adopting friends as family.  And had to realize the heartbreaking truth that the ones I had, didn't really return the affection, and abandon them.  Leaving is not something I do well, even-though I do it often.  Being alone I don't have to ever face that again.  I wont let myself down the way others have.  So the friends I have chosen to keep or the new ones I try to make, are not only very special to me, but I understand now how special I must be to them as well.  Or they would be gone by now too. 

Look upon your life with the eyes of a child and be amazed at all you see.  For you will only see it once in that way.  And once you start to see the world with a jaded and cynical view, it is very hard to change that lens. 

Cheers


Sunday, September 10, 2017

Run You Clever Boy!

Do you ever feel like you need to just walk away from your life? 

Not because you have a double life or because you have no life, but just because you feel like you know your life so well that it's time to change it up before Fate does that for you?

I've had that feeling. 
That wanderlust that good Hobbits just don't get. 
That south wind stirring the gypsy in my soul to flee before whatever the wind brings, arrives.
That sense that something is just behind you, or around the corner that you will meet, but perhaps you really don't want to live through.  At least not without a TARDIS, and The Doctor.

Something is in the air again. 
Fall is coming, and then soon winter.
And as usual, I'm not ready for the winter.

I always feel this way in the late summer and early fall.  But once autumn comes I traditionally leave my comfort zone and move to higher ground.  The mountains of Colorado.  The oceans of the Pacific.  The open prairie of the west.  They all beckon to me.  The landscape of my childhood, try to call me home. 

Chicago is the furthest east I've ever lived.  And while I've been apartment shopping in my city, I decided to stay and instead of moving, just rearranged my dwelling. I have a small studio so there is not much I can do with it.  But even small changes seem large enough to temper my restless soul.  For now.

Watching Star Trek and Doctor Who also help.  Perhaps all that traveling is what does it.  All that running to the next adventure quiets my inner voices.  Feeds my active imagination.  And calms my adventurous spirit into accepting something more relaxing in life than the drama that I create. 

Find your tonic of peace. And imbibe, liberally.  
Cheers

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Are Secret Affairs Good For You?

Why are adult, human relationships so difficult?  Were we truly made to be with one person forever?  I've had my share of marriages fall apart, that I truly thought would last forever.  And I've watched friends who I thought would be together forever, fall apart.  And it makes me wonder if the fault is not our nature but our society of what is considered to be acceptable and what is considered to be taboo. 

For example, to me it would seem more honest and respectable, to both parties, to have an open marriage than to lie to each other and cheat.  But society would reward the cheater for not getting caught, while thinking nothing of the deceits told to the loved one to actually get away with this behavior.  Wouldn't it be wiser, to be able to express your love when love comes knocking, freely without guilt; than to express it under the cloak of secrecy and lies?  Or to not express it at all and always wonder or regret not having the experience?

Statistics say that finances split partners up more than anything.  However in my lifetime I've never heard a couple say that they split up because of debt.  I have heard over and over again about infidelity.  Weather brought about by an addiction like alcohol or drugs, or just a person, that by their nature, isn't able to love only one person in this world of possibilities.

It takes a special person to be able to not get jealous over this mindset.  I haven't been that person in the past, and being single now, have no idea if I would be, if in a relationship now.  I can only speak to what I do know about myself and that is that I divorced two men for cheating on me rather than try to work through it, and discover if it was a real threat to what we had, or an addition to what we felt.  Most affair last three months.  Mine tend to last more like three years or more.  Three years or more of lying and being together in secret is not an enjoyable experience and it destroys the initial attraction.  It also can make you psychically ill, as well as mentally.  Causing nervous breakdowns and self hatred which is a destruction of an already fragile ego.  Living a double life is stressful and stress kills.  Because love is not meant to be experienced in secret, whispered about or denied.  Love is meant to be shouted from the rooftops for all to hear and be happy in your good fortune.  Love is meant to be celebrated and shared with all your family and friends.  Love will not be denied no matter how far you run away from it.  It always catches up to you and makes you ache with longing.  Love makes you afraid of death for you never want your loved ones to die.  Love can also make you selfish and jealous if you love for the wrong reasons.   For example, getting married because you don't want to die alone is the wrong reason.  We all die alone.  We all face death alone.  Even with someone holding your hand in the end, if you are lucky enough to die in bed, you are still experiencing death alone.  If you weren't we'd know what happens after. 

I wish I'd been smarter in my twenties.  I wish I'd had the experience I have had in my fifties, so I could tell my young, hurt, and possessive self what not to do.  But I can only watch my friends make the same mistakes I made and smile and wait and hope they will ask me, "What would you do?"  Which they rarely do.  So I tell stories of my past.  Not to brag or to hear myself talk.  I talk about my failures in the hopes that they will not make the same mistakes I've made.  But I've found most don't listen.  Most know more than I do, or think they do.  Don't we all?  Or they have already made up their minds and my sage advice falls upon deaf ears.  The older I get the more I find that my parents knew a lot more about life than I ever gave them credit for when they were alive.  I hope my children will come to this realization before I die.  My friends may never understand it or be able to put my lessons into practice. 

But life is a journey we also take alone.  Even if we are in one or more relationships, we still are alone inside our heads and make up our minds by our own individual experiences.  So it shouldn't surprise me that my more experienced friends could only smile and watch me make mistakes and hope I'd ask 'What would you do?" 

Cheers

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Wizard World Con, Chicago!

What a roller-coaster ride of motions at Wizard Con this year.  Friday night while we were all sung in our hotel rooms or scoping out the con we all heard via Facebook, with a sad video from a very thin and tired looking David Tennant that he was just 'gutted' that he couldn't be with us this weekend, due to a family illness.  Which made us all immediately sad for ourselves and worried for him.  Wizard World is reimbursing us all for our VIP tickets and giving us free tickets for next year or any other con we'd like to go to this year because it was such a disappointment.  This meant that in our sorrow we were basically still VIP and there for free.  This enabled us to spend some money with vendors, which I did.  In fact it looks like a Doctor Who convention on my table right now. 

Not being able to meet David was rough, but I added Catherine Tate photo op and autograph, and Alex Kingston photo op to my already purchased John Barrowman photo shoot and Alex Kingston autograph.  (Niki and I wisely shared photo ops and the costs)   It made up for it, getting to meet Catherine, she and Alex are wonderful.  Alex is quite chatty and our autograph session went something like this:
Alex:  Hello me!
Me:  Hello Sweetie!
Alex:  But I never had blue hair before.
Me:  You will.  I'm the next regeneration.
Alex:  Fabulous!
Alex: This journal is lovely, where would you like me to sign?
Me: Anywhere you like.  Did you wish you could have had more story/screen time with David as the Doctor?  I feel like he got cheated out of your story-line.
Alex:  Yes.  He did get cheated didn't he.  Well ,I do get to see him usually at conventions so there is that.  And I see you have the sad VIP. 
Me: Yes.  But I hope all is well.  I will see you again at photos
Alex:  Good I'll make it up to you then.

She took her time signing everyone's autograph, which she didn't have to do, considering a late flight caused her to be an hour late to her signing.  This caused some to leave and try again.  But not us.  She was quite pleasant and chatty. 

After Alex, we high tailed it over to John to get our pictures taken and the first thing he said to me was "Hello Sweetie" and I lost the power of speech, as he put an arm around each of us, (Me and Nikki) and our photo was done.  The photo ops are great, and once the lines start moving are so fast.

After John it was time to eat and be overwhelmed by all the vendors and people.  SO MANY PEOPLE.  I don't like crowds and each night I needed to unwind from them.  There was so much to see, and the food wasn't that bad.  But next year we are going to plan ahead better for food.

Then it was time for us to line up for Alex's photo shoot, which was just as quick as John's but when she saw us she said, "Hello again.  How are you?"  And I lost the power of speech again. 
Unfortunately the powers that be when rescheduling Dave's time, didn't plan the Doctor Who talent very well and John's panel was at the same time as the time we had for our photo shoot with Catherine so we had to skip him.  I'm sure it's on YouTube and I can catch it and him another time.  We ran on to Catherine photo shoot.  There's a lot of running to stand in line at comic con. 

Nikki had met Catherine while I was at work on Friday and got her autograph for me, so I didn't get to say much to her, unfortunately.  But she was very pleasant to us both an looked us in the eye and said hello to us for our photo shoot with her.  It was very late in the day by then.   I'm sure they were all much more tired than we were and my feet were killing me. 

So we called it a day, but got all our standing in line done on day one.  Which left day two to shop and be relaxed as we people watched.  And see the band Critical Hit who does all rock songs of our favorite video games.  They were the warm up band for the only panel I had time to see, which was the one panel I really wanted to see with The Doctor's wife and his two companions.  Alex, Catherine and Jenna.  I hope its on YouTube as well so I can watch it again.  No I didn't film it.  I wanted to experience it.  And they were funny and being in the front row, I felt lucky and intimate.  And when I turned around the room was packed.  SRO. 

After the shopping and all the people we called it a day.  Nikki left for home and so did I.  And now I'm unpacked and playing with all my new swag, and getting ready to watch GOT season finale.  I can't wait to see it.  And be sung in my own bed with my fabulous memories of my first Comic Con.  It won't be my last.

Cheers

Sunday, August 20, 2017

FOUR Days Until TARDIS

I must be very excited about my first time at Comic Con, because for the first time in seven years I forgot to blog on Sunday morning.  Or maybe I'm finally happy enough in my life not to need this diary of healing. 

I was busy this morning getting ready for a brunch date that stood me up. 

And then a tentative lunch date that also stood me up.

But don't worry constant readers, I ate.  I won't starve myself for friendship.  LOL 

And I've been looking at the Wizard World Con schedules and getting very excited for the time when Nikki and I can plan all our events that we MUST SEE TOGETHER, together.  :)  I feel like this week is going to drag until Thursday.  Which will be one of the busiest days for me both personally and professionally, in a long time.

For Thursday is not just the opening of Wizard World, but it's Flower Girl's first day of preschool. She will go twice a week starting Thursday.  Which will be a wonderfully exciting day for her and me. I can't wait to pick her up and have her tell me all about it.  After work I'll be going straight to Wizard Con to meet Nikki and check in to the hotel and the con.  Then after check in we are going back to my place to load up about five totes for First Daughter.  Nikki lives in the same city as my daughter and has graciously agreed to take some things of hers back to her.  This will give me some more room in my already crowded studio. 

After all that, with the driving from O'Hare to my place and back with said totes, I imagine we will want to just chill with the hotel chill goodies I'm bringing and plan the weekend events.  Working Friday will be so hard.  Knowing Nikki will be at the con without me until I can arrive after work. 

But once I get there our three day weekend of GEEK FUN will begin.  I really can't wait to get all dressed up as River Song and fly my geek flag. 

Cheers

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Twelve Days Until TARDIS

Twelve days until Wizard Con and my friend Nikki Styx will be here to help me celebrate.  Well, I'm actually helping her celebrate, because it's her birthday, and it was her idea that we should go, and her idea won over my anxiety.  And I said yes.  Yes to the crowds of strangers,  the fact that they are geeks and nerds like me is what makes me ok with this.  Because in eleven days I'm going, by myself to the venue, after work, and checking in.  All alone.  At my first con, with my anxiety held before me like a giant shield against the world.  The reason I want to check in on Thursday night is because I work on Friday too and they aren't open for check in by the time I'd get there; and I'd have to wait until Saturday morning, which will be crowded with others that waited.  So less crowds, get my swag and checked in early, and make my anxiety shut the fuck up! 

When I was younger I never felt like this.  Prior to the rapes I never was afraid of crowds or people.  I'm sure its how my PTSD from the events, presents itself.  As long as I'm with one other person, I'm fine.  And my daughter doesn't understand why I talk to strangers, when I'm alone.  When the situation is new, It's become a comfort to me to make a friend on the train, or bus.  Just to feel less alone and invisible.  Less afraid of the men.  My goal is to beat my anxiety to the ground until it no longer is a control over my social life. 

I have everything I need for the con, and I'm super excited to meet David Tennant (got his VIP package, before they added a Doctor Who Gold with Alex Kingston also John Barrowman, Kate Tate and Jenna Coleman packages)  SO we got a photo shoot with John and autograph session with Alex.  They added a lot of talent, TWD, and Firefly and Stranger Things, even Gene Simmons of KISS and John Cusack.  Here's a link for any of you that are just curious or might like to come along.  wizardworld.com

Needless to say I Can't Wait!  And my first con to boot.  My costume is mostly borrowed from Nikki's amazing seamstress friend.  I have my own boots, River's journal and sonic screwdriver and of course handcuffs.  I'm even debating on curling my hair the night before so it's super curly like River Songs' (not River from Firefly...in case there was any confusion among my fandoms)  I wish I could afford to meet them all.  But Doctor number 10 won.  Now if they get Smith and Capaldi too...i might have to spend too much. 

Cheers

Sunday, August 6, 2017

I Feel Like Fate (TRIGGER ALERT)

I talked to the mirror yesterday.  Really looked at myself and talked about the past.  Talked about the rapes and how they really effected my choice in men.  From my husbands to relationships to just sex partners.  I was brutal about the lessons each had to teach me about the rapes.  But I was honest.  Honest with myself about what I learned and forgave myself for the necessity of having to learn anything about experiences that are so hard to revisit.

And I realized why I'm so scared to try again.

The last lessons, with Mr. Charisma and the final endings of Mr. Hopeful, this year (my New Years resolutions two years running) and Mr. Practical seven years ago, were personal worst moments for me.  And that's not their fault.  The last lessons are the hardest. 

But if these were personal lows, the 'married men stage'.  I don't want to know what comes after that.  It can't be good.  And I personally don't want to know anything worse than being a mistress.  Secret love is not sexier its just secret.  You can't be seen together so you can't do anything in the light of day or even the dark of night, in public.  It's stressful.  SO STRESSFUL.  Not worth the payoff.  If you get my meaning.  Because no matter how much you don't want to admit it, you're just sex if they don't chose you.  And that being said and not being chosen and finally seeing the line they use, "You deserve so much more" as truth... well, you have to end it then.  Right?  And in each situation when I saw that, I did.  I had rebuilt my pride enough to say, "You're right." and leave.  Now in two of those situations, I didn't realize it first so it was so much more painful not being chosen.  Mr. Hopeful still contacts me once a month, as a friend.  And Mr. Practical and I are writing again, and good friends.  And while I trust the friendship part I am equally glad both are long distance.  I am not ready to trust male friends very far.  This is probably because we don't marry strangers do we? 

Let me tell you about what you do to yourself when you choose to be a mistress, or are made a mistress, if you don't know they are otherwise taken, you lose your identity.  Being a mistress kind of overtakes who you are and slowly erases you.  You become cliche and it take a lot of will to rebuild yourself after one experience.  But I do things in threes, always have.  Three marriages, three kids (two living), and Three major career changes, Clerical, Sales, and Service and Three chances at Mistress.  Maiden, Mother, Crone. No wonder I feel like Fate. 

Now I know what some of you will say, you deserve to feel bad about making that choice, but I'm not so sure I do.  As intelligent as I believe myself to be I'm also very gullible, and especially when in love, I tend to believe what I'm being told.  Its really unfortunate.  I should know better.  But perhaps it's because I try to be an honest person with everyone when I start out with them.  I just assume they are being honest with me as well.  To find out that a prospective love is suddenly engaged or worse yet married, is a heart-breaker.  But to know that a lost love, who comes back and still doesn't choose to have a real second chance with you is devastating to your delusions.  For that's what this kind of thinking really is.  Delusional.  Re-watch When Harry Met Sally, because it's true what Carrie Fisher's character says over and over in that film, as she's learning her hard life lesson as a mistress, "He's never going to leave her." 

I'm not proud of most of my past decisions where men are concerned.  I know I chose some of my husbands because they reminded me of my father who wasn't there, and they loved me and would protect me from the men who raped me.  Like my father couldn't, in his absence.  I know that the men I chose to have affairs with were more like the men that raped me sexually.  That's a hard thing to admit, but not all rapes are violent, as Oprah has reviled from her past experiences.  And my sexual awakening came too young and was neither violent or unpleasant in it's actual act.  Was I forced?  Yes.  But because I was twelve you might say I was tenderly lead, and groomed not to tell.  In an forced, sexy playtime kind of act.  I became a young fantasy for my rapist and well on my way to being groomed into a damaged little stripper.  Perhaps this is why I don't trust older men and feel sorry for strippers, seeing most of them as damaged as I am.

I am scared to try again with any man, because I don't know a good man when I have one.  Since I had no good men in my youth or childhood to look up to and how a caring and giving marriage to plays out.  I know all about bad marriages having witnessed my mothers and my own.  I'm not saying the men I chose to marry were bad men, but they were bad choices for me, because I was trying to find protection, rather than marrying someone I loved deeply.  Probably the best choice I made was my second husband, but because I didn't know what a good man was, I thought he was boring.  How wrong I was.  When I tried to find that friend ship again in life I screwed it up again and let him try to help me make it more.  Fortunately Mr. Practical and I got smart quicker than any of my failed experiences and it's not painful at all anymore.  In fact I feel quite sorry for my very brief affair with him.  It will always be that thing we did that was both wonderful and such a bad choice, hanging quietly over our heads.  I still wish Mr. Hopeful the best and hope he will leave me alone.  For him not choosing me is the most painful in my life.  And Mr. Charisma I don't think of at all, much like my first and third husbands.  While we had a lot of geek stuff in common, the hurt they put me through, saying they loved me when they really just were using me for whatever they needed from me, was eye opening.  The children I got out of those marriages and the growth were the good things that came from those experiences.  I wish I'd had the children without the marriages.  I never should have married anyone until I could face my own past pain and heal through it. 

Facing pain is not easy.  It also is not quick.  We think we are growing with every experience, and for the most part we are, but what we are really doing is facing demons and trying on lifestyles.  Shedding old ideas for new and hopefully learning from mistakes. 

Should I try again?  I don't think so.  Am I sad about this revelation?  Not really.  I'm relieved.  For I finally understand that I will not only feel any more pain, but I will cause none either. 

Cheers.