Sunday, June 29, 2014

I Know Things Now - Little Red Riding Hood, "Into The Woods"

Memory lane is an inviting path when you are walking alone on your journey.  Of course it has its pitfalls, and dangerous points that you must skirt, but all in all, if you choose to, you can remember your past as the good things that happened instead of the bad.  Funny thing is, sometimes we choose to only see the bad.  We become our own worst enemies and usually that happens at the worst possible times.  Hindsight allows us to see it clearly, when we are immersed in it, it is cloudy.

I'm far from perfect, but I'm so much better at this than I used to be.  I know some people think I'm romanticizing my past romances or almost romances.  Maybe I am.  All I know is that when I did the work I needed to get rid of the rage that was almost my destruction, I faced all that past hurt.  All that betrayal.  From everyone that had ever hurt me.  I mean really faced it.  Its much harder than it sounds and you can talk the talk, but if you don't walk the walk you will not get better.

I got better not because I remembered the betrayals and attacks and lost loves.  The things both done to me and the things I did to others.  But because I FORGAVE them.  And here's the hardest part....FORGAVE myself.

See people think all you have to do is face your problems and they will go away.  That works sometimes for fears, like riding a bike or swimming.  Once you try you see it's easy and wonder why you were ever afraid.  Fears are much easier to face then self betrayal.

That's right...self betrayal.  I get so tired of hearing people lament on Facebook or in other social media on how their life sucks and everyone has hurt them, and they can't go on.  I understand feeling like you really want to end it.  But the other funny thing about that is, that when you are really serious about killing yourself, you either get help, or you succeed.  I really love myself.  Deep down inside I always did.  Even when I blamed myself for the rapes, and affairs and betrayals.  I never let anyone else take the blame.  Which was wrong.  I took MORE than my share of the blame, as some kind of high priestess martyr.  How pathetic was that?  And no wonder I seemed to be surrounded by a cloud of anger.

I took ten years to be alone, raising my kids, no partners, no serious lovers, and once in a blue moon, maybe a one night stand to feel something.  The only thing I felt was dirty, and unfulfilled.  Without the love I'd known attached to sex, it meant nothing.  And I'd rather be alone than fake it.  Besides, as a good friend reminded me, sometimes alone is best.  You KNOW what you like.

After coming close to feeling like I'd had enough on my plate forever, and not wanting to feel dumped and cheated on, yet again...I got the final professional help I had needed all my life.  Group therapy saved my life.  And the people I met there are always on my mind, even if it becomes difficult to talk with them often.  After all we know all our secrets.  No smoke and mirror shows with that group. I still want to hug them all and wish them well.

The choices I make now, in my new city, are choices that I don't regret.  Am I thinking more before I act?  Maybe...maybe not.  But I know I'm happy with the decisions I'm making.  There are people I love that I will always love.  As deep connections or even past lovers.  But loving them is not wrong. Love is never wrong.  Kindness, compassion, communication, all of these are love.  Being there when a friend needs an ear, even if your life is falling apart, that's love.  Having the ability to just hold a hand or let someone cry on your shoulder with no other agenda, that's love.  I know the difference, I guess somewhere deep down inside I've always known the difference.  But see, it doesn't matter to me what someone else's motives are.  It only matters what mine are.  Forgive yourself.  It's the real road to happiness.


Sunday, June 22, 2014


As usual in my life I'm thinking too much.  I do this a lot and it makes for CGB.  Or what I have lovingly called Crazy Girl Brain.  Motives are a funny thing.  I usually know what mine are, I say usually because sometimes we even fool ourselves into believing that something we know to be true is not.  Or worse, something we know deep down is a lie, is the truth.  I recently have been through some pot holes on the journey of my life, and they were quite deep and dark, and one almost broke me, but I climbed out with the help of Mr. Practical and That Guy and moved on.

But now I'm watching people I love having gone through some of the same things, some not.  Who's to say what's worse, everyone's situation is awful if you are hurt.  No matter how menial it may appear to someone else, or how much you may have created your own drama.  Blame is not an issue when you get your trust broken, or your belief in yourself shattered.  Who do you trust when you can't trust yourself to pick wisely?  Who do you trust when you fall for the big con?

Con artists, and players, and I've known a few, don't realize what they destroy in you when they set you up as their next mark.  They probably feel very successful when you believe their lies.  They must feel good, or they wouldn't do it, right?  That sounds right.  I don't know, maybe it's a good thing that I don't understand it.  Just like I don't understand the criminal mind.  I'd be too scared to be caught, to do anything that would land me in jail.  But some people don't really care about the law, or issues we 'apparently' have voted into law.  It's so hard to know anymore the way our politicians hide things in bills.  I've become very jaded when it comes to politics, and anyone that is motivated to run for public office or work for them.  But don't get me started on that.

Or maybe you should....Maybe if I'd been more vocal about my opinion on politics and the evil that is our system of government, and how I have learned not to trust anyone that is drawn into it, maybe some of my loved ones would have seen red flags earlier, maybe not.  Maybe I shouldn't sit in silence while I watch my children and loved ones make the same mistakes in judgement that I have.  Maybe, like my mother before me, I should just say what I feel and let the chips fall where they may.  Maybe I'd loose a lot of friends and loved ones if I did that.  Maybe people don't like to be disagreed with.  Maybe people need to find out for themselves and make their own mistakes and the more you babble about 'what you feel' or 'what you've been through' the more they think you are just talking about yourself instead of trying to help.

Well, at least that's how I feel now.  I try to give people I care about advice, and it's honest and without motive.  Yeah....right.....I hear you disbelieving.  But I've cut my nose off to spite my face before and I'd do it again if it were the right thing, the honest thing, to do.  I can't abide liars.  Especially ones that lie to themselves about being happy or feeling that a commitment can never change.  People change.  We live, we die.  We fall in love and we fall out of love.  It's no ones fault.  It just happens.  People need someone to blame.  That is really sad.  But I've done that too.  Now I just don't have the energy to blame anyone.  Not anymore...well, I guess I blame myself more than anyone else for what happens to me.  And what I do.  And rightfully so.  But I don't think most people do that.  I think most people blame everyone except themselves.

So today, for one day, look at your life and every time something bugs you or bothers you, or pisses you off, blame yourself.  Because if you don't like your life, change it.  If you don't like yourself, change yourself until you DO.  Because heres the real secret of life:  We are all alone.  All the time.  Doesn't matter what commitments you may have fallen into.  In the end, you will do what you want with your life, no matter what.  And if you are still of the belief that you don't want to die alone....Guess what baby, you will anyway.  We all do.  Even surrounded by loved ones, you are still dying alone.  No one is going through it with you, so you may as well start to love yourself before that happens.  LIVE YOUR LIFE.  Not someone else's.  If you do, in the end, you will have wasted your time in this existence.  And no one, NO ONE, knows for sure what, if anything, comes after this awareness.


Sunday, June 15, 2014


Well, I was writing.  Now I'm trying to get feedback.  Don't get me wrong here, Mr. Practical is trying hard to give it to me, but our schedules don't always jive.  So, we try to meet every night.  Its nice, actually, even if we don't give feedback or write together, we are talking and that helps the flow.  He has started on his second draft and I can't wait to read it.  I'm going to start the second draft of chapter five today, with or without feedback from chapter three and four, because  I have a golden opportunity of being alone for several hours, as my second family takes Ginger Snap to visit his dad for the summer.

Its been a bittersweet morning, spending time with him, taking pictures of them all together on this father's day, and knowing how quiet and sad it's going to be around here with him gone.  But it's not forever, and I'm sure we will talk daily.  And there will be a lot more opportunities to write undisturbed.  Which is the real trick for me,  I need it quiet, so I can be lost in my little world.  Listening to my characters act out the scenes in my head.

Of course being a woman I can't decide what I should do first with my newly acquired alone time....I also want to dye my hair again.  But I will not be doing the same thing.  I'm going for a new look with new colors and I'm so excited.  I think I'll start with the hair and while it's processing write.   With Mr. Practical at work we will be chatting off and on all day.  I love Sundays.  It's the time I get to be with him in the largest chunks of time.

It appears to be a good day for travel, not too hot not too cold.  The kind of day both my parents would have enjoyed.  It's a shame they aren't still living, I would love for them to see more of their grandchildren and how proud I am of them.  Both my son and daughter have grown up into respectable adults, with their own problems that I try to stay out of.  I have confidence that I gave them enough skills to handle anything, even if sometimes they don't believe enough in themselves, I always do.  And now I have little Sammy Bo Baggins and Ginger Snap to help get to adulthood.  And what an honor it is when any parent trusts you with their children.  I love them like my own grandchildren, or how I imagine I would if I had grandchildren.

This time is so precious to me.  I get the chance to help raise them.  I worked almost the entire time my children were growing up, and I missed out on so many firsts.  I understand now how happy it made my mom to be the live in nanny for me.  What a rare opportunity to help raise your grandchildren.  And I know my kids miss her almost as much as I do.  She imprinted on us all, and we will never forget her.  Its funny, I know I should probably be trying to remember my father more on this fathers' day, but it's my mom who comes to mind.  She raised me alone from 10 years old on, and for me she was both parents.  And a great inspiration to me as I raised my own children as a single parent from ages 5 and 11.  For the most part I believe I had a great example on not only 'how to be' but even some 'how not to be's' thrown in there.  And that's normal too, for every generation gets better, learns more sooner, and becomes more tolerant.  At least if we are doing it right at parenting they should.  Lets try to remember our mothers and fathers, on these days, as human.  As people who make mistakes, but love us and tried as hard as they could to protect us and teach us everything they know.  I know I did.


Sunday, June 8, 2014

Don't Stop Me Now....

....I'm having such a good time.
Two chapters down!  And many more to go.  But last night I got the feedback on the first two chapters, probably the most important for any book is the beginning, followed by the ending.  I have many more chapters to rewrite, and two more that are waiting for feedback but I'm on a roll.  And I'm looking forward to continuing later tonight with either feedback or a joint writing session as Mr. Practical is getting excited to start his second draft.

Another thing we have in common is the rewrite.  Its where the real fun of writing starts.  It is also the part most writers dread because there is a lot of rethinking and staring at the page wondering which direction to go, until the moment hits you where you know you have it right.  This is where we have become almost irreplaceable to each other.

Our artistic connection is so strong that we started to fall in love with each other through our writing. With our minds first.  As I've said before it's a very intimate place to be, stomping around in someone else's imagination.  Hearing their thoughts on whatever subject they are writing about.  We both dabble in the fantasy realms so there is a lot of magic, fighting, politics, religion, lot of the big topics that you discuss at friends and lovers.  These topics were how we started our real friendship, and this is where we have found our connection to have made it through the last year of very little if any communication.  He calls those months the Dark Months.  Which makes me smile considering his availability is very much...well not available.  That his life was not as rich without me in it makes me smile.  I know we can't go back, but we can go forward.  And going forward is the only direction you can go.  No matter what you tell yourself you are doing.

Even if you go back to an old flame, you are moving forward because it is never the same as it once was, so you really can't go back.  And we are not going back to what we were.  We aren't sure what we are.  But we aren't denying it any longer.  The last year for us both, was a real test in growth and if we can truly be happy for each other.  And while I believe we were/are, the pangs that we aren't together made being apart...well...dark.  Made us both have more symptoms of it not being the right decision.  For example neither of us being able to write.  My depression and anxiety became unbearable without meds, as did his.  Now that we are back in each others lives, even if its long distance, we are both much better in that area.  I'm down to one med, and even with all the drama in his life he seems more relaxed and happy when we are chatting or creating together.

I know what you are thinking, and you are right.  We are both worth more than this half a relationship.  But you know what?  The only thing that is really missing is a physical thing that while we are very attracted to each other, is at most a frustration that we can't act on.  And an emotion that we have learned over the last four years to let smolder out of mutual respect, and love.  We just don't deny that it's there anymore.  We embrace it.  And it has made all the difference.  We were holding back our true feelings, and that, for our honest relationship was an impossible act to continue.

Neither of us knows what this means for our future, and we don't care.  We are not writing the end of our story, we are living our individual journey and basking in our times together.  I hope it brings joy to all the people that actually interact with us and surround us.  I think it does.  I think that it can't help but overflow out of us.  But even if it doesn't, it does when we are together.  And maybe someday we'll be able to write in the same room again.

Never give up on your dreams.  Never give up on yourself.  If you believe in yourself, wonderful things start to happen in your life.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking too much or being inside your own head to the point of depression.  Talk to your network of friends and family and if that isn't enough get some help.  Find out why you feel out of sorts, don't deny that you might be lying to yourself about something, like we did, for the greater good.  NOTHING is greater than you.  NOTHING is greater than I.  Very Zen, I know, but its true.  YOU are the greater good.


Sunday, June 1, 2014

Has Anyone Ever Written Anything For You ....

... In your darkest hours
Did you ever give it back
Well, I have
I have given that to you
And if it's all I ever do
I want you to know, that this is your song...

Writing....I'm writing again.  Editing actually....or rewriting as we call it.  I think it was Ray Bradbury who said, "Anyone can write but not everyone can rewrite."  And Stephen King said, "Murder what you love."  And they are both right.  The second, or third draft of a work you are passionate about is a labor of love.   

As I'm FINALLY feeling the connection again with Mr. Practical to edit my novel, I'm finding it easier than I thought it would be to basically start over.  It's been two years of us fighting our feelings for each other and moving forward as friends, and trying not to discuss anything close to flirting.  Its funny, but until he admitted to me that he wished he could have been the one to come with me to the concert with Mr. Hopeful last year, and that he hoped Mr. Charisma and I would work out so he forced himself not to flirt....that I realized how much his hiding his feelings effected his writing as well.  I chose to hide mine when he married, that didn't mean they changed, I just chose not to act on them, and my writing suffered.

Now he's back in my life and the connection seems as strong, if not stronger than before, if thats possible.  Our internet chats and video chats are becoming as strong a memory as being in the same room.  Writers! Our imaginations are our curse, and blessing.  

Now I feel an increasing impatience bouncing back and forth.  One direction for a coming meeting that we hope will happen, but aren't holding our breaths; to finishing this novel as quickly as I can, so that when he disappears again I won't be stuck.  Listen to me, still writing the end before I've lived it.  Mr. Hopeful would shake his head at me.  It's a sense of urgency that my life, as well as his, is moving on without A Team.  And while I know I will miss them all for different reasons, Mr. Practical seems to hit on all cylinders.  I miss him in ever arena of relationships.  None of the others come as close as he does to being a friend and confident as well as a lover.  That means something very special to us both and why we can't say goodbye or just be friends.  I wish it hadn't taken me two years to figure this out.

They say what is meant to be will be.
They also say if you love something set it free if its yours it will come back.
They also say treat others the way you want to be treated.
They also say life is short, live it to the fullest.
They say a lot....And it just makes it more confusing.

The only thing I know for sure is my days are not good days without him in them.  And I know he feels the same way,   He can't explain it anymore than I can.  I've suggested he watch Same Time Next Year, a movie about two people who love each other so much that they don't want to mess up their lives but can't live without each other.  Mistakenly it has been advertised as a movie about adultery, but it's so much more than that.  It is a very personal love story that not everyone can relate to.  But I can.

I wish I knew what the future held for me, it would make these decisions so much easier, but that's the journey, isn't?  Thats the choices Fate puts in front of us.  And my timing has never been good.  Could be the lesson of my life....Timing is everything.  I feel a day late and a dollar short in romance.  And yet, I also feel surrounded by love.  I guess I've finally climbed out of that deep dark hole I threw myself into after Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Charisma decided I was good enough to sleep with but not good enough to love enough to keep.  I wonder how many times I will go through this before I find one that thinks I'm worth the fight.  And that I feel the same way about.  There's the rub.  Its not that I haven't had men that thought I was worth the fight, but my timing didn't match theirs.  Or was never there in the first place.  Karma is a bitch.  But I honestly believe I've paid that, more than enough.  Especially when you add into it that the men I let go, are very happy now with their new wives, so it was the right decision.  Perhaps it's not Karma, perhaps its just me.  Picking the wrong men, or that timing thing again.

This requires more thinking, so I'm off to the beach....Lake Michigan shore, it's 89 here today, then gaming via the web with my kids and editing as well.