Sunday, November 24, 2013

Do We Stay Out Of Love Or Duty?

 A black and white photo on Post Secret caught my eye this morning.  The post card was of a little girl handing a colored on red flower to a sobbing little boy.  It read:  "So maybe you're a little more messed up than what I had bargained for...that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring for YOU."  Then you turned it over and it said, "I'm not going anywhere."  

I instantly feel in love with the person that had to express this because its often where I believe Mr. Charisma is with me.  And sometimes, if I'm honest, where I am with him.  I know it will hit many of you in many different ways, but I got joy out of it more than pain.  A commitment, or resolve to try just a little bit harder with him than I have with any other man, because I love him.  Because the good is so much better than any bad that we have.  

I have some friends out there, that shall remain nameless, who are in relationships where this is also true.  This feeling of helplessness about being in love with someone who is a bit broken and might need some extra understanding or care, every once in a while.  I have a couple of friends, who within the last couple of years have been very open with their intimate lives with me, and made me aware that the daily struggle to remain sane, and themselves, while trying to care for their mates ever changing emotional situations.  I try to advise, hopefully without too much 'I told you so' and joke with them to see if it is just a passing thing, a phase, if you will, as in hormonal; or if it is something much more serious, like a constant state.  If they don't laugh at my highly improper joke or defend their mate when I fall into "I told you so"-mode, I can only assume they are miserable.  Especially since they both can be sarcastic and have very good senses of humor.   

And in defense of love, they stay with their mates.  I can only assume that even though I'm only hearing the 'bad day' or the 'bad moment', that overall, their situations MUST be happier than I had originally believed.  When I asked them, "Why they stay?"  I get everything from, "I love her" to "The kids" to "If this marriage fails, I'm done with relationships," to silence.  Some of those sound like love, some sound like duty.  

I can't imagine staying with anyone out of duty.  Love I get.  Love I strive for.  Love is easy when its right, or at least the good times make the bad ones seem less important.  Sometimes now when I think of early on disagreements we may have had, I can't even remember why we fought.  Some are still big ones we are working through, but we are working through them.  I think that is normal for where we are in our relationship.  This chapter of my life is moving much slower than any of my past ones.  And I'm really happy about that.  I know sometimes I may seem frustrated by it, but in reality I'm not.  I think I need to see what a normal dating relationship is like.  Something that takes time to grow and is not force-fed a dose of commitment before the deeper love has been achieved.  Something that can only take place with time together.

I've said it once and I'll say it again.  When two people really are in love, they want to spend all their free time together.  Now while I know this is impossible, it does not erase the fact of the FEELING being there.  When I miss him, I miss him fondly.  It is rare now, that I miss him and wonder what he's up to.  Or who he is with.  Or if he is with someone else.  As an only child who is use to getting what she wants when she wants it, it is a new reality for me to have to wait and see.  And to live the journey instead of being so preoccupied on getting to the end... Getting to a label.  

So I'm trying a new mindset.  It's something I came up with all by myself, and I think it will be a huge fad.  I'm trying not to care about what may happen, and have  How's that for a shocker?  Have some faith in myself, and him and what we feel and that everyone else will come around, with time.  


Sunday, November 17, 2013

Is My Journey Starting To Scare Me?

I'm discovering some new habits in my life in the last few months.  It's almost impossible to put a 'time stamp' on it, as my love would say, but I know its been longer than a few weeks.  And they all started cropping up at once.  Its as if, a switch has been flipped inside me, and all of a sudden, I'm finding myself, stronger, less afraid, and more confident and determined to be understood, than ever before in my life.  And I owe this awakening to Mr. Charisma.  I understand what it means now, that feeling of loving someone so much that you want to be a better person, the best you, when they are around.  Meeting him, and getting to know him over this last year, has been so healing, and miraculous in its discoveries.  The ways that I am changing and the me that I am getting to know, is a part of myself that I have kept hidden from most of the world, and shown to only the person I most love at the time.  I have come to realize that saving some of my best parts for only that special person, is wonderfully romantic, but denies the rest of the world, half my personality....the best half, in my opinion.  But I believe I do this from past hurts, low self esteem, and great fear of rejection.  (writer/actress....go figure).

Through my journey in life, so far, I have found myself on many a path that was difficult at first and slowly, with discussion and understanding, and sometimes heavy cranes, a smoother path is reviled, and easier way to continue.  In my distant past, always with a companion, in the more recent past alone, or with a sometimes companion.  I know our timing sucks, but our hearts are not being denied this time.  In spite of our differences, we are drawn to each other, and together find a peace that no one else can help us achieve.  A sure safe-haven of trust and almost complete honesty.  And I mean that as a huge compliment because I believe no one can be completely honest with another person.  Hell, sometimes we aren't even honest to ourselves.

I am quickly coming to the part of my journey with this man, where I am really starting to take shape in the directions I want to go, and the way with him is feeling less and less complicated.  This honesty came at a huge price, but I think, in the end, it will be worth it.  I have felt strong connections like this before, connections that I felt could stand the test of time, distance, love, divorce, life, and still be connected.  Maybe not as strongly as when entwined, but still a thread of respect, hope and the unconditional love that forgiveness brings.  I know no matter what happens with him from this day forward, we will be in each others lives somehow.

And as much as I wish I could let myself be swept away by this man, I am still, a year later, keeping one foot on the ground.  Call it lack of trust, call it broken, call it CGB, call it whatever you want, but I am going to protect myself.  And somehow be understood.

Wish me luck.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Are We Only Creative When Completely Disappointed and Unhappy?

I've always been disappointed with artistic women that seem to lose their creativeness when they stop being angry and get happy.  For example, Amanda Palmer, Alanis Morissette, Pat Benatar, Amiee Mann, Gwen Stefani, Tori Amos.  I mean really.  I miss these women and their music.  But it seems as soon as they found love and started having kids and being, well, happy, I lost interest in what they were trying to tell me.  It's really sad to me to see the creative process linked so much to the soul and mind.  I know its necessary to be truly great, but its sad to me.  Because I want both.  I want happy endings for these women.  I've read their poetry in song lyrics, and felt their pain in intense singing sessions from my bed with headphones on.  I've danced around my apartment cleaning to them or working out with the songs blaring away in my head, with or without electronic accompaniment.  And as much of a fan as I am to them all, I've only seen one of them live.  And Tori was great!  Biter, brokenhearted, hot, redhead, singing her guts out and playing a piano like a rock guitar god!  The way you think Beethoven or Mozart might have really played for their close companions.  I immediately saw the Tree that Neil Gamin publicly wrote was her, AND Delirium whom we all secretly know is her.

I've seen one other female performer live, that still speaks to my heart and soul and still makes me feel sane with what she is trying to tell me.  That's Stevie Nicks.  And she will always be my favorite female performer.  There is a petition going round the internet that reminds me of the one that went around for RUSH for ten years, before they got in.  And it's in favor of Stevie being inducted into the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame for her solo work.  I would love this to happen.  She'd be the only female performer to be inducted twice.  Once for her work with Fleetwood Mac, and then for her solo work.  I looked it up.   Only a few men have accomplished this, and only Eric Clapton three times.  (The Yardbirds, Cream, and his solo work).  Of course the members of the Beatles, and Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young came to mind.  But I admit I forgot about Michael Jackson, Johnny Cash and Jimmy Page....opps.  What an honorable list to be the only woman on?  Now the nominations for the 2014 year are out and she's not on it, according to my source.  But I am hoping for soon.  John McVee (bass player for Fleetwood Mac) diagnosed with cancer and Fleetwood Mac canceled the Australian leg of the world tour.  It would be sad if he didn't live long enough to see his band become a part of rock music history, twice.  Stevie is far and away the most deserving female artist, of her generation, for this honor.  And I also have to admit that I was surprised that Diana Ross had not already done this for The Supremes , and her solo work.

I wish the popular choice of the amount of albums, 8 tracks, cassette tapes, and cd's purchased had more influence.  I wish the fans voice meant more in this process.  Perhaps if it did many deserving artists like, KISS (eligible since 1999), Bon Jovi, The Cars, B-52's, Cheap Trick, Sonny and Cher (eligible since 1990), Depeche Mode, Chicago (eligible since 1994), Berry White (eligible since 1994), The Moody Blues (eligible since 1989), Jethro Tull (eligible sine 1993), Deep Purple (eligible since 1994 and first nomination is for 2014!) Journey and "Weird Al" Yankovic might already be in the Hall of Fame.

I miss my music.  It's starting to disappear, like the music of the 50's, 60's and 70's before it has.  I hear more and more music from the 90's again as classic rock.  WOW.  That really made me feel old for just a split second.  The new music I discover now is mostly from my boyfriend or my kids or their friends.  My newest favorite is What the Fox says.  And here is a link for all you over 40 types that may be starting to not listen.

Cheers and hottie, hottie, hottie, ho

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Patterns Of The Broken Hearted

I've spent a lot of time on this blog reflecting on my patterns and how I've repeated some that just are not healthy.   I'm not perfect by any means but I do feel like I continually get better at the issues I'm trying to improve.  I have my moments of back sliding.  I love to talk and discover what is hidden in our psyche.  The things that make us who we are, especially with people I love.  When I discover a difference in a stranger I don't really care.  I might for a customer try to empathize enough to build report, but not really delve into the why's or care as deeply as I do with a man I'm in love with.

With my current love, we have a lot of differences, see life very differently.  This is both a fascinating and painfully dangerous.  For when certain topics are brought up, and we can't agree on the motives or reasons why, or emotions behind actions, it can be very hurtful for the person that felt wronged or hurt,  What I didn't realize with him, is that he gets even more hurt by disappointing me.  I'm sure other men in my past may have felt this, but none have been able to express it to me the way he has.  I have hurt him in ways I can hardly comprehend.  And it has been good for me, for I am seeing it, perhaps for the first time in my life and am trying to make changes that stop hurting him.  And I think I'm making great strides.  But it doesn't matter.  Guess why?

He doesn't forgive.  He holds on to negative impressions and lets go of all our positive ones, and holds a grudge.  Not one that is final, but one that slowly tears him apart until he has to leave to find some new happy.  This is the exact same pattern for him in his relationships.  This is not for me.  So I'm growing in this relationship, even if he can't see it or feel it or believe it will last. And he is stagnant.

He used to feel like being with me was 'coming home'.  He shared with me last night that he doesn't feel that anymore and he's not sure when it changed.  He had a similar feeling five weeks ago when he tried to break up with me.  So I'm back to walking on eggs.  I wonder why he even keeps trying when all I can see for a future with him now, is heartbreak of repeated patterns that will end up disappointing him.  I can't be a disappointment in love.  I must be the joy he can't want to come home to.  And if he has lost that, then he has lost what brought him to me.  He says he is chipping away at it and is hoping for a big break.  Aren't we all?  Don't we all chip away at the things that block our paths?  That make our lives a struggle or that we don't understand, until we have a moment of clarity?  I hope he finds his big break.  The great nurturer that I am is tied up in a corner of my mind, and gagged, because  I can't trust her not to coddle him.  And while I know he needs that, so do I.  And while I know I have to give that, I wonder why?  Will I give him everything he needs just to find out that it's still not good enough for him?  That he will still not trust the sex?  Still not trust the love because it was too fast, too deep?  He wants me to fall into him with abandon, and yet he can't get swept away?  That's not fair, and not right.  But it is who he is.  And I love him.  So I'm left with trying, growing and hoping that we can grow together but fearing that we will grow apart, just like they did, only much quicker.

I can also see us very old and very happy together, walking hand in hand and discussing everything we know.  And this feels right and true, and worth every minute of the issues about sex that, frankly at our ages, won't matter much longer anyway.  Not in the scope of the many, years I hope to have left with him.  I can't bear the thought of being just another sweet gal he gave a piece of his heart to that didn't work out.

I have much to work on.  I hope he wants me around while I am.