Sunday, December 28, 2014

Mission Accomplished Even With Demon Bongos

First Daughter and I did it!  We got back to La Crosse to see First Son and everyone that requested we pop by!  In just two days!

But first I’m going to tell you about the Demon Bongos.  This is a story that I managed to tell no one while in La Crosse, but First Daughter did tell Ladybird Hobbit.  Right before Madison, we heard this odd swishing and slicing sound and the car suddenly felt like it took on weight.  A scary, invisible weight.  There were no deer, or tumbleweeds (no snow here either!) nothing present on the road, but a slight jerk and then weight.  We kept going.  Afraid to stop.  Afraid of the T1600 and the T800 Terminators.  Afraid of Gargoyles, and Demons.  “What are we dragging?”  and “Ok that doesn’t feel right,” were said countless times before I first heard the drums.  That’s right, bongo drum beat.  Just two at first, then a big pause.  I said, “Bongos?” and First Daughter looked at me with round eyes full of speculation.  Then the sound turned into a beatnik pub and performance artist playing the bongos. I can’t write the sound here, it’s something like Ba-da-dit-ty- DA- da- fit-ty, over and over getting faster and faster as the resistance seems less and less.  Or were we just getting used to the drag of the dead weight.  I kept looking in the rear view mirror to see if the ship I’m suddenly flying is leaking oil….trailing nothing.  No emergency call to Houston just yet. No need of the Winchesters, we hope.  But I’m frantic trying to remember where my AAA is.  It gets faster and faster and we’re both afraid to voice an opinion when suddenly I see it fall from under the front of the car and bounce under us.  I gasp as the sound is silenced.  We smile a little sadly that the Supernatural boys won’t need to be called and very happy that we made the right choice and didn’t stop.  I can’t help but think the Demon Bongo player looked a lot like the under part of my bumper, but perhaps it was just the dark pavement and headlights that made it appear so.  Whew.

I still wish I could have had the time to pop in on a few more of you, like my godson and his family, both little brothers on the bluff, and their wives and kids, oops, guess the godson got mentioned twice.  Missed seeing Little Combat Boots kids, but getting to see her and her husband my Big Little Brother, (movie pun) was such a great surprise.  I imagined seeing her at coffee if we were lucky.  Them coming out to join That Guy and Mr. YRR and LadyBird Hobbit was more than I imagined.  My First Son came out on Christmas eve too.  My First Daughter-in-law was too sick to move, so we missed seeing her this trip…We must stop making plans.  It never fails.  NateDogs birthday was one of the good ones.  Even ran into one of my old toys who was prompt to tell me that he hasn’t had sex in a year.  WOO HOO!  I beat the the thirty something kid!  Speaking of old toys, Mr. Confident reached out to flirt with me yesterday.  I just love it when Fate puts the same lesson in front of you over and over until you get it right.  I didn’t respond in anything more than an innocent friend and he was all unbelieving and “?”.  I had to laugh at that because it seemed so ‘high school’, and I proceeded to tell him that he is engaged now and off the making out market.  He didn’t even acknowledge it.  He didn’t even say goodbye.  He didn’t even want to confirm if we were still friends.  He just stopped talking and eventually left.  I have to say, “That’s doing it wrong.”  And I hear ya, he’s just a kid.  But how else to kids learn unless its from their moms.  I’m assuming that’s what it was.  Mommie issues.  I’m happy that he found the one he can be happy with.  It just goes to prove that there is someone for everyone.

I am starting to feel more and more ready to get out there and date.  This last trip home full of my friends in all different stages of “happily ever afters” made me realize just how ready I am.  I feel confident and sound it again, and even am starting to carry myself that way again.  I’m seeing through the bullshit and honing in on the truth again.  I’m becoming the woman Mr. Hopeful met again.  My First Daughter In Law would say, “Ma you turned it on again” and she’d be right.

I purchased Stevie Nicks 24 Karat Gold, Songs From the Vault and Foo Fighters Sonic Highways for myself for Christmas.  I pretend every year they are from you, but that’s just pathetic.  This year I’m a little bit afraid to listen to the lyrics of two artists who seem to be following me around and writing songs that stab me in the heart on many levels.  Do I want to hear what they have to tell me now?  Yes.  and NO!

But I suppose I should try….maybe after some gaming, and catching up on The Gilmore Girls.  I’m deep in season 6.  only one more season after this, and i’m starting to miss it already.  my guilty pleasure.


Sunday, December 21, 2014

Three Days Until Christmas Eve!

Three days.  Three days and I’ll be back “home” visiting family and friends.  That’s a funny concept isn’t?  To me Chicago is home now.  It’s where I live, work and play.  Where all my stuff is and well, if that isn’t home what is?

Many of you probably have had some family or friend from where you used to live ask you, “Are you coming home for Christmas?”  That has to be a wonderful feeling.  No one asked me that.  Not a single family member or a friend.  No one.  I do have one friend, That Guy, who asks often enough to qualify.  But It really didn’t surprise me that no one asked.  I asked everyone what they were doing for Christmas in case I might be able to squeeze in another friend.  I tell myself that’s why no one asked me, because I asked everyone before they could.  I think that’s an important point of my personality.  I tend to end things first, before they can.  I start them first too.  Sweep them off their feet before they have a chance to think.  I think of myself as a patient person, at least with kids I am.  But not so much with adults.  I love surprises, but I like to have a plan too.  I like to know where I’m staying and how much time I have.  I think it has to do more with knowing how busy people get and knowing I want to see them too, so I understand that planning ahead is important.  It’s not a large ego that does this it is just the opposite.  I know I’m not going to be first on anyones list so I remind them that I love them too, and I want some time.

For the most part that has worked for me.  And I get to see everyone that I’m hoping too except one man.  The one man I love the most this season is of course, too busy.  And he always will be.  I know this, and my heart knows this and it doesn’t seem to matter.  It has never diminished the love I feel for him.  I tried to move on last year with Mr. Charisma, and that was a complete disaster.  And I knew it would be but I kept pushing and instead of keeping him as a toy I let him get serious and that was the end.  For us both.  Even though we stayed together for a year it was not a happy time.  And I did it to try to forget The One.  He is everything that I want in a man.  He is not where he wants to be or with who he wants to be, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about him as a person.  What he feels, believes in, is passionate about.  His personality is what I miss.  Of course there is more that I miss.  Much more in a very hot and romantic department, but that is extra.  It’s not what calls to me in the middle of the night, when I’m tossing and turning in my bed.  It’s not the first thing I remember each morning when his face flashes across my vision with a smile that would melt the hardest icy heart.  It’s not the last thing I see at night when I close my eyes thinking of my loved ones back “home”.

They say you should surround yourself with people that want to be near you.  That make time for you.  But what if no one does that?  My First Daughter does.  We see each other every week for brunch and to catch up.  And it is one of the most important and fulfilling relationships of my life.  And I love her without equal.  My First Son doesn’t live here, but even when we lived in the same town we were lucky to see him twice a year, unless we were gaming.  Gaming gave us our weekly catch up and it was wonderful.  We do get to see him and his wife for Christmas so all is good there.   He works throughout the holiday so we won’t be staying with him, but at least we get as much free time as he has to catch up.  :)  And I can’t wait to see him.  I miss my First Son more than he can imagine.  I also have plans to see She of Little Combat Boots and That Guy, the Pirate YARR, and my closest Pat Head friend, so it will be a full schedule even without Mr. Hopeful.  But….I know my heart will think of him often….and I know my brain will dare my feet to find him….and I know I won’t.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Its In The Air

Can you feel it?  It’s in the air.  Something just on the edge of perception is right there.  Some might say it’s Christmas or whatever spiritual holiday you celebrate.  Others might say its just the changing of the seasons.  But there is a definite change in the cosmic awareness.  A oneness we all share. A time of year when we remember endings and the people that we left behind.  In less than two weeks I shall be in a part of the country that had a lot of endings for me.  And while I don’t expect to see any of them, the ones I left behind, I do plan on seeing the ones that never left my life.  The ones that care enough to make time for me.  Granted its a short trip, but it’s the attempt that counts.  And while my personal plate already seems full, well you know what they say about this time of year…the more the merrier.

As I reflect on the past and hope the future can recapture some of the great moments of the past, I hope that you all get to see everyone you miss this Christmas season.


Sunday, December 7, 2014

Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

I'm not sure what it is.  There is a feeling that comes over me every December.  I’m not depressed, not even sad, really, but sentimental
…very sentimental.
And it's not over every Christmas past.   But like Scrooge, (or Scrooged if you like movies, like I do) one stands out.  Winter in general stands out with Mr. Hopeful.  It was winter all those decades ago where he and I talked on a snowy hike about a possible future together….
and it was winter when we broke up years later…
and (did you know) when it snows, (cue song)…I can’t help but see his face, at both those moments.  Have I told you lately that I think my relationship with him, over the years, has really helped me to understand how close love and hate really are?  Now don’t go jumping of ledges here, breath and hear me out.

I hate that I met him if we can’t be together….sometimes….
this time of year….more than any other.  And maybe it’s true, its because it’s Thanksgiving and Christmas….and New Years…
Eve….and another year gone without him.  Another year misplaced somehow, and yet, the year for me has been a very successful and happy one. I have had so much good to share with my loved ones….I just wish he was by my side while I was accomplishing them.  My heart says he is.  My heart says he always will be, because he cares about me and always has.  Just because we couldn’t make a relationship work, doesn’t mean we can’t be old friends, does it?  Sharing stories of our kids, and our trials and tribulations in this world.  
Like with all my other friends.  I try.  
God knows I try.  
But with him, its hard to be completely happy for his successes that he shares with her, and his kids.  And while I am happy for him, there is a small, small percentage….maybe 10….that glares with revenge filled satisfaction at his losses.  It used to be closer to 5% but it’s grown this year along with my unfulfilled desires to have an exciting life here in the Windy City.

Thankfully my distracted heart did not spoil any joyous Christmas present with my daughter yesterday.  (pun….lol)  We were shopping in the downtown said windy city, and DAMN why do we live near such a fucking huge lake this far north?!  ARE WE CRAZY?!  Hate lake effect show and ice and wind and fucking wind.  There were a couple of times with our packages in hand where First Daughter and I were almost blown off our feet.  Our inherited 18 dex of clumsy-ness and anti-stumbling saves made quippy remarks of the day a very “Gilmore Girls” moment.  We have a lot of those again in this city.  Another reason it was good for us both to get out of the sad memories of La Crosse.   She still calls it home. I think because First Son is there.  I call Chicago home.  Because I’m here.

Christmas future is starting to bleed into my self-imposed blue Christmas time.  And this is a good thing because I feel a lot more successful when I think of my future than when I think of my past or present.  I know I shouldn’t live in the either the past or future but at least I’m starting to find my future a more pleasant place to be in than my past.  I think its a greater understanding of myself and him and maybe what they call, “being in the present moment”.  I’m trying to fall out of love with him and I’m trying to think of him more in love with her and spending his free time with his family.  I create loving pictures of it in my mind to keep me from …
well to keep me from doing anything I may regret.
 I think this is growth, albeit strange and dangerous pendulum growth, but any growth is good, right?  She asked suggestive of agreement.



Monday, December 1, 2014


What a wonderful and relaxing Thanksgiving weekend.  Here it is Monday morning and I'm a day late posting, (because somehow I locked myself out of my google, but am now recovered).  FIVE days off for Thanksgiving.  I feel so European.  I hope everyone was as surrounded by love and friendship as I was this Thanksgiving, and while I miss those of you that I couldn't get to, I know you are there wishing me well as I do you.

My Thanksgiving was spent with First Daughter, just us.  First Son and his wife were working and couldn't make the trip, nor would it have been easy for us to come to them.  But  we are shooting for Christmas.  I hope it can happen, I miss my son more than he knows.  My First Daughter and I ate all the turkey and sides we could stuff into ourselves, and built a Lego Death Star while watching musicals (Hair and The Book of Mormon) and some Gilmore Girls a new passion of ours.  And  the music was her new assignment of "Who am I now".  Was a wonderful and relaxing time.

Then Friday I left town until Sunday to hang with My Girl and her kids.  My Girl lives over the state line from me so I was able to have an adventure in getting to her.  I love adventures.  I took a bus to the Metra and rode the train as far north as it goes and she picked me up at the station.  Cost me about $10.00 oneway!  Who would ever drive?  I love living in a city with great public transportation. I had so much fun at My Girl's place.  Got to catch up with her and had my first experience smoking medical herbs (NOT THAT KIND OF HERBS!  Ours was a grape flavored molasses based.  No tobacco nothing addictive), and it was so smooth.  I really enjoyed it and it fed an old 'smoking habit' of the oral hand to mouth thingy.  It was quite relaxing.  We also watched some movies we had always wanted to catch and just were lazy.  I felt so at home there, and I usually never feel at home anywhere but home.  I think I'm finally learning how to relax.

I almost got to do and see everyone that I wanted to this weekend.  I hope to make it further north for Christmas.  The people I left behind up there I miss more than they know, and my heart is heavy with the fear that I might not see any of them again.  This time of year always makes me sentimental and reminiscent.  I should put up my Christmas tree...but I'm just not in the mood yet.  Maybe later tonight.  I'm really enjoying being a hermit.  Back to gaming.


Sunday, November 23, 2014

You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned - Yoda

I recently discovered something about depression that I didn't know.  If you hang around all depressed people you get more depressed.  I know this sounds very basic but maybe thats why I didn't give it much credit.  It sounds too simple.  I have some friends that are depressed and I have some that aren't and I find that I get caught up in their moods.  It used to be worse, so I'm getting much better at it.  For example this last week I was supposed to meet Mr. Hopeful on line for a chat, and as you can guess he was late, so late in fact that I'd given up on him showing at all and when he did he had a typical excuse.  Horrible day, no sleep, had to go to work, and so forth.  Now I'm not saying I don't believe him, I absolutely do.  What I am saying is that this time, it didn't anger me or make me depressed or lower my self worth.  This time, I took the disappointment like a normal adult human and really understood.  I didn't let myself get depressed, hell I didn't even feel sad.  In fact the closer and closer it got to the time he was supposed to meet me the more and more I hoped he wouldn't come.  I think this is very important personal growth.  I felt guilty and slutty, instead of excited and that rush of love that I usually feel when about to see him.  Something about the way we were meeting felt wrong.  Not us.  Too desperate.

But which kind of personal growth is it?  Is it me just being really scared of repeating disaster and doing the same thing with him that I did with Mr. Practical?  That really made me lose a lot of respect for him and we haven't spoken even as friends in over four months.  And I don't miss him in my life in the way I thought I would.  Or is it that I just don't want to see Mr. Hopeful, even on camera, if I can't have him? Hum...there's a thought.  Am I afraid that would depress me?  I know I've been med free for four months and I don't want to go back to that state.

Last night I tested the video thing with That Guy, and all was well.  Of course we only chat.  No danger of any funny business so no guilt and it was great to laugh and game with him long distance.  And plan my holiday visit up there.  Which I hope I get to do.  That's just a whole other kettle of fish I don't want to open, but leave it to say that I'll be there if I can find a place to crash.  First Son is working on it.  I'll be disappointed if he can't find a way to put up his ma.

So maybe I've come to the conclusion that I'm camera shy with anyone that I know intimately.  Perhaps I'm not as slutty as I was thought to be.  Perhaps I'm truly am finding my way back to who I was.

I have five days off for Thanksgiving and only have plans on turkey day with First Daughter.  I believe I will use the rest of the vacation time to game on line or build a lego Death Star.


Sunday, November 16, 2014

Fasting Sucks! I Want Coffee and Bacon!

I love Sunday.  It's my day off, and my day to do whatever I want.  And I usually am a hermit.  But today I have to get to the clinic for my fasting blood work.  I hate fasting blood work.  I hate fasting.  And if my clinic were open before 10 any morning I would have done it a lot sooner, but here I sit, writing my favorite blog, on my favorite day without my coffee, and getting more and more grumpy as the clock ticks on.
My hands tingle as I type even with the wrist splints and I realize that I can't really write like this.  And that has been a problem.  I want to write and I feel like I need to write, but I can't.  I need a secretary.  LOL.  That's a good one.  Apparently 30 years of typing has given me carpel tunnel, but the blood work this morning is to rule out anything else before we do steroid shots in my wrists.  OUCH.  Not looking forward to that.  And then the test of needles down my arms to confirm what we believe I have.  Then I imagine surgery.  I hate the thought of being wounded while healing.  But I know that once its done I'll feel much better.
I have so many things I'd like to write about, finish the novel is always on the docket. But other things too, feelings I have about my new life.  People I miss.  People I don't miss.  How that makes me feel, but the tingle takes away all my wit and creative ability and just hurts.
So please forgive the short blogs until I can get a handle on this.  And know that I will figure this out like everything else that tries to stop me.
I woke up yesterday feeling very disappointed at men as a gender.  I tried to take off my "I hate men pants" yesterday but the feeling is pretty much still here.  I think I'll need to figure out a way to be happy here without feeling let down by the past.  I hate that the past still haunts me.  Sometimes I wish I cared less so it had no power over me.  Its not that I'm not happy.  But I look around my cozy studio and wish sometimes, that there was someone here with me. Usually more on quiet times like now, not all the time, but enough to have me starting to wake up hating men.  Well not all men, but the ones I feel let me down.  I don't know if that is a good thing or not.  Usually anger is not.  At least I'm not depressed.  I need more water and to stop making my hands hurt more.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Waiting For The Cable Guy Part Two

Ok. So last week the cable guy was a no show. And after several minutes and three different CSRs to fix the issue it appears the same thing is happening this wee. So I'm attempting to blog from my phone. Please excuse and Siri auto corrects that I miss.  But I'm bordering on pissed here.  At least this week the reminder call went stratight to voicemail. Last week my phone shows no record of voicemail or missed call and they didn't show so this week I called directly to customer service again and they sent another automated call that I got, while they were holding, and apparently completed correctly.  WTF. He is technically not late yet but I have a bad feeling that something will go wrong again this week. Band if it does I will go with a different provider.  If I didn't believe so strongly that everyone deserves a second chance, I probably would have already.  But we shall see. LSt week I waited four hours for a two hour window.  I think I will do the same this week.   But before I leave I will not be a nice future customer when I call.  I shall give them what they deserve and see how they handle it.  Why do we always feel so trapped by some businesse?  The cable/internet company, car insurance companies, Heath insurance companies and lets don't forget home contractors. If we treated our customers the way they treat us we would get fired.  It's a mystery to me why we let it continue.  It's like our voting system.  We all keep voting for a change and the incumbents almost always win!?  Again, WTF?  I hope this posts for you to read. Bi will attempt to share from here but I'm not sure how successful I will be.  IF I acquire Internet later today I shall correct.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Busy, Busy, Busy

I believe in the four years of writing this blog this is the latest I've ever posted.  But I have a really good excuse.  Short blog today as I finally broke down and saw a doctor on my 'pinched nerve'.  Turns out it's carpal tunnel and I'm wearing a wrist splint for two weeks.  That's the first step.  We shall hope we don't have to do any of the next steps as they don't seem very comfortable.  However the wrist splint seems to be helping.  I'm at least sleeping through the night.  However typing is very difficult now.

I did get my new studio and am picking up the keys on Wednesday night, and moving all my stuff over the course of next week Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday if needed.  Cable guy is coming on Sunday morning.  And I even bought some cleaning supplies and ordered my Dr. Who stuff for my new Dr. Who bathroom.  It matches my hair...Tardis blue.  :).  The rest of the studio will be in red, black and white.  Let me know if you have anything to donate in those colors.  My first big purchases will be furniture that doubles as storage.  And my wish list is long.  But I'm so happy to be slowly decorating it and looking forward to space of my own again.  And some much needed quiet time.  I miss my quiet time without any kids.  Being a live in nanny is very noisy.  :)

Have to rest my hand now.  Cheers

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Are They Made From Real Girl Scouts?

Yesterday was one of the best days in a long time, because what was going to be a very quick visit between old friends, turned out to be an all day affair, thanks to one of my sets of bosses.  They found a way, (took a PTO day) to give me the entire day off to be with She of Little Combat Boots and her first born, Pumpkin Pie, who to me will always be my favorite Padawan and Disney Princess combination.  (And now that Disney owns Star Wars I guess that's not so crazy)  Padawan Pumpkin Pie's girl scout troop came to Chicago for the weekend.  The only day I could see them was their last day, yesterday, and boy did we fit a lot in.

Our first stop was the Peggy Notebaert Nature Musemum,  I really want to take Ginger Snap here, and Beatle Boy and Sammy Bo Baggins and Flower Girl when they are a little older.  Was great to walk around and play with Padawan Pumpkin Pie in all the interactive areas.  She even touched a snake, which was no big deal to her but a big deal to me.  I hate snakes.  :)

Our next stop was lunch at RJ Grunts  I'd never been there yet and boy was it good.  And not only kid friendly but very adult at the same time.  Loved the Woodstock theme music and pictures on the walls.  We ate way too much and I had to try the fresh brewed coffee shake.  yummy.

After the that we walked back across the street to the Lincoln Park Zoo.   a free zoo in our city and one I've been to with Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins.  Special things this trip we got to hear the female and male loin roaring.  A LOT at each other.  Was scary and fantastic and awe-inspiring at the same time.  We only had two hours there so got to see about a third of it, but it was a good bit.  Next time we will see the rest.

Then we proceeded to dinner at a Chicago hot dog place called Relish The Thought.  relish the thought which was a great first Chicago hot dog experience for the girls and fit into Boys Town after missing our bus stop.  It happens, but I felt bad that I didn't know the area they were going to at all.

Then we got to the Comedy Sportz of Chicago, an age friendly improve comedy show.  WAS great.  And while it's kid friendly, there were a lot of kid groups and adult groups side, by side.  Awesome night time event to wrap up the evening.

Padawan Pumpkin Pie and I didn't want the evening to end.  I think Little Combat Boots and I were both so tired that all we could think of was bed.  However I did give myself a long soak in a very refreshing bath when I got home.  It was more fun that I could have imagined and I can't believe how much she has grown.  I wish I could have seen Little G and Wolfy too.  Soon I hope.

I am looking forward to sharing pictures with First Daughter later tonight, I was going to see another apartment this morning but it is sadly off the market today.  Missed it by one day. Oh well, back to the search.  I think I can do better than $825 a month which was the one I looked at Friday night.  Back to looking.


Sunday, October 12, 2014

Is There Life On Mars - Bowie

For the past two weeks, going on three now, my right arm is falling asleep.  Well, it feels like that when I'm awake.  When I'm asleep, it wakes me up with shooting pains that are so intense they cause me to want to whimper.  So I bite my pillow and get up and walk it out to get blood flowing.   At first I thought it was heart related but I remember two weeks ago carrying my groceries home on over both shoulders and how heavy they were.  After Second Daughter worked on it, and gave me some stretches to do, it is not waking me up every morning at 1am and then at 3am and then at 4am and then at 5am.  Now it waits until 5am so something is loosing up.  We think over the years of computer work and now lifting all the babies and kids, the heavy groceries pinched a nerve bundle.  It's tingly even now as I type.  I'm seriously considering trying to make an appointment to see the acupuncturist I went to as a birthday present.  When it wakes me from a deep sleep, it hurts much more than just the tingle of being asleep.  But that's the closest example I can use to describe it's lingering effects, and the fact that when I walk around and get more blood to it, it feels like that.  Hurts worse at first then gets better.  I'm not afraid to go to a doctor with this I just am not sure when I can.  Sundays are my only day off, and now that Second Daughters' show has started, , I am busy pretty much every day and night I'm not at my other job.  I'm hoping it gets better on its own, just like it got pinched on its own, and I realize it will take time, but I'm so tired of not sleeping well, and of the pain.

It reminds me of my Daughter In Law and how much pain she is in and how the doctors are so confused by it.  I know what I feel is only a fraction of what she lives with on a daily basis, and it makes me angry that she can't find a doctor to help her heal.  I know her pain is real, I wish they could see it.  Another reason I am shying away from doctors and going toward a more holistic approach.  I have so many friends and family members who have been treated unfairly or not treated at all.  I'm trying to have faith, but it's difficult to watch.

I'm going to research some more on this pain, and see if there is something else I can do, but for now since the stretching is helping, I'm not going to do anything with a doctor yet.

Feel free to comment if you've had similar pain and what helped you.  I'm giving it one more week before I seek professional attention.

At least the pain has not stopped me from working with all four of my small charges and living life.  The Fleetwood Mac concert here in Chicago, complete with the entire band for the first time in 16 years, was a wonderful night of adult time with Second Daughter.  As was the Bowie exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art, with First Daughter.  The only city in America to have this wonderful exhibit of fashion and music and art from the one and only David Bowie.  I'm surprised New York has not shown it.  So Chicago is now as cool as London and Berlin.  I love this city.


Sunday, October 5, 2014

The Wonderful Thing About Tigers- Oh Stuff and Fluff! THINK THINK THINK.

Sammy Bo Baggins and I this morning, me with my coffee and he with a secret sprinkled covered donut and milk.  Nothing is more sweet than special quiet time with one single child that loves you.  He applauded this mornings breakfast after eating all the sprinkles off his donut.  The sugar has not quite hit him yet, and his joyful cooing is the exact background I need this morning.  Every morning.  He is the most joyful child I have met since First Son.  Just happy to sit with me and tell me what's on his mind, even if I can't understand all his words yet, they will come, and I can't wait to hear what he has been thinking about.

I expect Ginger Snap to be up within the hour, and then the morning will become a bit louder.  But it is a joyful noise as well.  Ginger Snap and I had our special day most of yesterday, and today it is First Daughter's turn.

By 10 am I shall be with First Daughter at breakfast before we go to the Chicago Art Museum to see the Bowie exhibit.  Can't wait for some more adult time.  Speaking of adult time, if you get the chance to see the complete reunited Fleetwood Mac go.  Just go.  Even the cheep seats are well worth it.  I missed the Songbirds vocal harmonies more than I thought, and I'm all about the Gypsy in that band, and I loved it, even though it wasn't the Stevie Nicks show this year.

But if you'll excuse me, I'm introducing Sammy Bo Baggins to Winnie the Pooh's adventures, the movie from my childhood, and my children's....and after introducing Ginger Snap to Back To The Future over the past few weekends, I must not miss this.  Sammy Bo Baggins is as enrapt with Winnie the Pooh as Ginger Snap was with a time traveling train.  :)


Sunday, September 28, 2014

Mary Poppins....Who Knew?

My life is almost my own again.  I have found a career I am passionate about and apparently pretty good at.  Better than I thought I could be, and yet, if I'd seen myself from the outside, I might have known all along.  I'm med free, and happy.  Being in a state of contentment without meds is the accomplishment I was most hoping for this year.  Finishing my novel was the also high on the list.  But I find myself completely uninterested in it right now.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I can hear the characters trying to get my attention, but I'm not making time for them.  I'm not making time to write, which is not a good thing, but I have so much on my plate right now, with my two nanny jobs and trying to catch up on bills, which I almost have with one paycheck.  (insert proud smile here) Was even able to take my First Daughter out for drinks and dinner last night as a kick off to her birthday week.  I haven't had spending money to in about seven months, so it feels good to be able to afford to spoil my loved ones.  My plan for the rest of my earnings in October is to save, save save, for my own studio apartment.

I've been searching on line and every week new options open up, so they go fast here in the windy city.  I love looking, but I don't want to fall in love with something that I can't have, so I'm waiting to actually canvas after I've got some serious money saved.  I think it will only take me about four more weeks before I can be all moved in somewhere.  Fingers crossed.

I really like my new family and I'm an official Chicago commuter now that I drive there and back every day, quicker than the train.  But I do love the fact that if I can't afford a car, I can live here very easily and work without one.  I miss my little Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins every day but I still look after them in the evenings and on the weekends as needed.  I know I'll miss them a lot more once I'm moved out.  But even with that said, I'm looking forward to some alone time.  Adult alone time.  Kidless.  I am surrounded by children from around 7:30 am until 9:00 pm every day...I'm starting to hum Elmo's World instead of Fleetwood Mac.  Not good.  When I'm serving lunch or dinner to anyone, I automatically cut it into small bite size portions.  That could be embarrassing if I'm hosting an adult party.  And I find myself looking for the diaper bag every time I leave the apartment or townhouse...every time, even if I'm not taking any kids with me.  I feel like a mom again, but not at the same time.  Because at the end of the day, I can give them back to their real parents.  I'm exhausted, but it's a good tired.  And the kids I've nurtured are all asleep and I feel needed, loved, respected, and content.

Perhaps Mr. Charisma was right when he accused me of looking for unconditional love.  I always thought I was giving that to everyone, but never felt like I was getting it back except with children.  And while this means that I truly am narcissistic and completely satisfied with self love, I am happier surrounded by children.  They don't have hidden motives, or make you feel like you are never good enough.  They don't judge you by your body type, or educational level, or the car you drive.  They don't lie to your face and stab you in the back for no other reason than because they could get away with it. They don't lie....not about important things, maybe about cookies or having finished their homework, but not about how they feel.  They are honest about their feelings and need to be heard.  I love to listen and help them sort out all those feelings.  Maybe I never really grew up myself.  Maybe I'm still that kid too, and that's why I relate to them so well.  Maybe I just want to protect them from all the monsters out there, and I know that I can.  And I'm quite familiar with the monsters as they have been under my bed and hidden in my closet too.  I understand that not everyone wants children in their lives nor do they need them.  But I have never imagined a life without them, even as a child my favorite game was House, and I was a mommy even then.

I miss and adore my children, and are proud of the adults that they have become.  I miss our times together as a family when they were at my knee learning everything I could teach them.  I miss how their minds worked and grew right in front of my eyes.  And I was never happier at any job than when I was their mommy.  Now I have taken the successful leap to a new career, and I not only love it but according to the parents, I'm good at it.  Now I have two more little ones to nurture and help grow.  I hope I can be in their lives for many years to come, as I know I will with Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins.

Listening to the quiet, and looking forward to the joyful noise of children

Sunday, September 21, 2014

My Life - Bon Jovi

Sometimes we have to test the waters to find out how deep they are, before we dive in.  Since my break up with Mr. Charisma last Christmas, I've been doing that with all the men in my life.  And while it may seem heartless to sever ties, sometimes it's the only choice you can make to stay sane.  I had to do this last week with Mr. Practical.  Honestly I feel it has been a long time coming, probably even before Mr. Charisma and I started.  I had been torn between Hopeful and Practical and put my feelings aside, or so I thought.  When Mr. Charisma and I broke up Mr. Practical was there to make sure I was ok and I thought to be just friends as we had been since he married.  But I was wrong.  I couldn't keep trying to be friends with someone that treated his wife with so little respect.

I understand making mistakes, admitting them, learning from them and moving on.  I do that in my life and teach that with the children that I take care of, as with my own children when raising them.  But what I can't respect is someone that can't admit a mistake, no matter how painful it is, and try to honestly save the good things, the friendship.  I know he believes he did that.  And I think for the most part he did, or at least he tried.  But he if he can't be honest with his wife then he isn't being honest with me either.  And while I had to let him go as a lover when he married, I tried to keep the friend.  But he must have some feelings still for me, because he gets so angry when we talk about the past or try to understand the mistakes and heal together.  Mr. Hopeful and I were able to communicate through hard life choices and mistakes and keep our respect and friendship.  I honestly didn't think we could.  I had no doubt that Mr. Practical and I could, and we failed.

When I look back on the last four years of bad decisions and reckless behavior, I wonder why and then it hits me like a wave of understanding.  While I was dealing with the past hurt from abuse I could never stop or run from, I needed Mr. Hopeful's understanding and care and youthful love for life; Mr. Practical's realistic and logical approach to everything; Mr. Confident's determination, and Mr. Charisma's catalyst and demons.  All were important parts of my healing and finding myself again.  And I'm grateful for the lessons I have learned and the love I have freely given and received.  I wish them all well.

As I move on.


Sunday, September 14, 2014

The Chain - Fleetwood Mac

Lots of internal things brewing this week, lots of chains that bind me.  I still miss my friends, but I know I'm on the right path.  Giving up is not giving up the feelings or the love I feel for certain people.  But moving on is sometimes the only choice you can logically, ethically, emotionally and realistically make.  This has been my feelings on the matter of my heart for four years.  And it has been the hardest choice I have ever made.

I left him years ago, and it seems my heart never did.  My heart just broke and then laughed at me that I believed his absence in my life would be the same as getting over him; or  moving on.  He moved on.  But I have stayed in some kind of time resistant hibernation of the heart.  I really believed I had forgotten him and moved on too.  I really had been happy, well as happy as I could be considering I hadn't even approached the anger from the childhood abuse, and discovered that my writing could be more than another fantasy novel.  I wish I could have had the opportunity as a child to get the help I needed.  Now the damage has already been done in the relationship department and I can never fix the past.  But I can remain hopeful about the future.  And while I still dream about him, he made an appearance last night, again, I find that the dreams are very healing and fond.  Not scary or veiled meanings.  When I look up the meanings I find that he has become one of my dream guides, helping me to realize what I already know, or helping me to see it in a way that I cannot ignore.  With fond smiles of love and hand holding conversations.  As it probably always should have been with us.  But you know me if you are a constant reader or know me outside cyberspace, you know I sometimes just go with my heart, and damn the consequences.

I'm sure, at my age, I know right from wrong.  I'm also equally sure that I am the star of my own life again....FINALLY.  This has been a hard road to walk, but I'm through most of the really dark parts, I hope.  And I'm glad that if I had to make that journey that I made it with someone I have loved for so long.  I'm a better person for having known him at all.

Saying goodbye does not have to mean it's the end of everything you can feel.  Its sometimes the beginning of forgiveness, respect, self love, and confidence to stand alone, knowing that in your heart, you will always be together.  Chain keep us together, running in the shadows.  (Cue Fleetwood Mac)

The longer I am single the more I enjoy it.  I think it is time for me to be alone and love myself for awhile.  After all I went from my mothers home to my husbands home with no time to be just me as a young woman.  I had my children young and my 20's were a blur of marriage and children and divorce and marriage, and divorce and marriage and children.  I never had the chance to stop and think about what I really want in life.  What I really want to do or who I am.  Now that my kids are grown, I have a wonderful opportunity to have my 20's and have enjoyed them in my 40's and 50's.  And you'd think I'd be smarter and make better choices because of the wisdom of age.  HAHAHAHA.  There's the rub.  I was more reckless with the freedom of adulthood and the power that can bring.  Having faced that, I now want to settle down again, not nesting, not like a young lover but more like a grandma.  I believe that is why the career change to being a full time career Nanny has really been a life saver for me.  The unconditional love that children give is very healing and good for my esteem building.  And the mistakes I have made have made me not just experienced but I believe a great study of human behavior.  The knowledge I can give, with a gentle tone and a loving heart, can save many children from the harsh childhood that Fate dealt me.   I'm a wiser person for having been able to come through all of that and still feel and have love to give.  I'm one of the lucky ones.


Sunday, September 7, 2014

RESPECT Find Out What It Means To Me - Aretha

All my life I've been brought up to believe (RUSH song cue) that respect is earned and not given.  And I've had my share of respecting someone and then having it disappear.  Usually do to their actions not matching their words or worse....their actions actually scaring me and making me feel as if everything I've been taught is wrong, as with the rapes.

But recently I've discovered that sometimes people just don't know how to respect others, or treat others the way they would want to be treated.  I've also been taught this lack of compassion is more an only child thing, and yet I think I'm one of the most compassionate people out there, even having survived everything I've survived, and I often times will try to think of the situation from the other persons point of view first.  This is great for the other people in my life but not so great for me.  Mr. Selfish used to say to me that being selfish is not always a bad thing.  And I never really understood what he meant until now.

You can be the most nurturing person in the world.  And give until you can't give anymore, even if you know it's wrong.  Like my years of being a mistress.  I knew it was wrong, but I did it more for the unhappy men that found me than for myself.  I'll admit that loneliness was a powerful decision maker and so was love, but in the end all it seems I have left is a huge lack of respect from my family and friends.  Not all my family and not all my friends, but I have noticed a great exodus from my companionship.  Even from the men I tried to bring some love and understanding to.

I know what you are thinking, 'What did you expect?'  Well....honestly.....I guess first and foremost I expected understanding.  Not judgment from people that I love that say they love me.  Perhaps even curiosity, and honest questions and communication about why.  Why would someone like me, who'd been cheated on, ever cheat?  Why would someone like me who had cheated on the best guy in the world and felt like shit for it, EVER want to feel that way again?  Or bring that feeling of emptiness and complete success devoid of any feelings of love or attachment?  No loyalty.  Loyalty is very big with me.  And when I break a confidence or show a disloyal side of myself, it is usually because I have tried every I could think of to save the relationship and have felt cast aside myself, or it is because I have nothing left to give and find the relationship to be a lie.  Have I always been proud of how I ended a relationship?  Of course not.  Have you?  If you can say yes to this question then I would expect more understanding from you not less.  I would expect you to have advice for someone like me, not disdain.

I am the only person exactly like me in the entire universe and I am a wonderful, caring, loving, loyal, understanding and respectful person.  And I didn't get here just from discipline as a child.  I got here by making mistakes, choices that seemed right at the time that ended up being wrong.  It is how I have learned in my life, and I know I've broken patterns.

I know I've gotten better at picking friends and men to love.  (I just need to make sure they are single)  And I know I still have a great capacity to love and experience joy.  I get that every day as a nanny.  NOTHING is more healing than a child's laughter.  Nothing is more honest, sometimes brutally so, than a child's opinion.  Children don't lie about important things.  They tell it like it is, even if it will hurt you or get them in trouble.  They also don't lie about despicable things that happen to them, or when they have been hurt, emotionally or physically.  Children are wise beyond their years.  They understand through lack of experience, that the best thing to do is make the mistake, learn from it, forgive themselves, and move on.  How I wish we didn't loose that ability.  What a wonderful world it would be if we could be that honest with ourselves as adults.  Confrontation used to be hard for me. When I was a child and struggling alone with the rapes and not knowing who I could trust to tell.  How would it help anyway?  That feeling of 'I don't want to face it so if I don't talk about it, it will go away.'  The feeling of 'it will fix itself in time, if I just keep trying to be good.'  But sometimes things need to be faced.  No matter how ugly or evil it makes you feel about yourself, or others.  Sometimes you have to go that dark place in your memories and really see who you are.  What happened.  What you chose.  Or that it wasn't your fault.  Forgive yourself, if you share some of the blame, and move on.  I know this can be a very difficult thing to do.  But you know what's harder?  Try to find something good that came out of the experience.  I can do that with every past relationship.  But I still have some issues with finding anything good that came out of the rapes.  I suppose that is to be expected considering I was five and twelve when they occurred.  I guess the only good thing I can point to is that my anger, that I didn't even know I was surrounded by, has lifted.  And a stronger me has appeared to protect those wounded children left inside.

And it is a much wiser me as well.  Less likely to judge, much less quick to show my anger, and at the same time, a much quicker actor on what is right and what is wrong.  One of my favorite quotes I recently read on line was, "If you don't know right from wrong it's not religion you lack it's compassion." That hit a cord with me and helped me on this leg of my journey.  I truly am sorry for hurting anyone that I thought I was helping.  I guess it's true, you can care too much.  But this time my armor is not going to be impenetrable, plate mail, splinted or chain.  This time my armor will be supple, yet strong leather.  And besides, I look good in leather.  ;)


Sunday, August 31, 2014

Communication Is The Key

This week the common thread in my life journey is communication.  In some cases it's the lack of it, and in some it is just the right amount.  Sometimes I wish we were less advanced and more like other animals in the world that can't talk.  I love words but they get in the way.  I watch people for their physical reactions to things I say, something my mom always taught me to do.  And when the expression doesn't match the content of the words, the communication becomes muddled.  And I find myself doubting the words in favor of the body language or the smiles that never reach the persons eyes, or any other tell that may give them away as hiding something.  I still get taken in every once in a while by someone that I shouldn't just like you, but for the most part, if I follow my gut, I understand something may be wrong or a miss.

When I see something that doesn't match, I should leave it alone, but I usually don't.  That is when I probe and ask questions, like, "What's wrong?" or "Are you ok?"  When they confirm that nothing is wrong I usually assume that either the person doesn't want to talk about it, or that nothing is wrong and my 'bullshit' sensor must be off.  But lately I've come to understand that it also may mean that the person may need to talk but doesn't know how.  They may be afraid of confrontation, even when it's with a loved one, or someone they trust.  This fear of confrontation is an alien concept to me.  I have no choice but to leave that alone as I don't want to upset them further.  But I can see that there is a problem and I want to help solve it.  It's my nature.  Not being nosey, just want to help.  Especially if it involves me.  Because if it involves me, then there may be a fault that I'm either working on, and the information would be helpful, or I'm missing and need to be made aware of.  Unfortunately, most people are too polite to be honest in this area.  I'm not.  When I love someone I want to help make them the best person they can be, and I love them enough to tell them when they are hurting someone, or making a mistake, or being unfair to themselves, or others.  Not to be disrespectful to equals, but like you would with a child that doesn't know any better, or one that is testing their limitations, (or yours).  Sometimes even adults need reminders of when they are being unfair, or having double standards, or lying to themselves.  Thats the hardest one to get most of us to admit.  As most recovered addicts will tell you, lying to yourself is the part that keeps you hooked.

I know for the past four years I've been lying to myself and trying to be someone I wasn't so that I could find love again, feel accepted.  What a colossal mistake of judgement, unfairness, and lying to myself all of that was.  I had several loved ones, friends and family members who tried to question me,warn me, talk to me about who I was becoming, or even try to step in and save me from myself by insulting new friends of mine that they disapproved of.  That last way was not the best way to confront me, but it was the way they did things.  I don't hold it against them, I just can't trust them anymore.  For a while I couldn't trust myself either.  The life choices I was making were not for me.  They were risky, or against what I would preach.  Was talking the talk, but not walking the walk.  My body language didn't match my words.  Something I hate in others, well maybe hate is too harsh.  I want to fix it.  And yet I was doing it too.

You see, I'm one of those people that believes that my journey is mine.  And the people that come along with me on it, for long or short periods of time, are just that, people that come along.  They are on their own journey and I am honored when I can accompany them, or if they chose to accompany me.  For that limited time, we are on a similar journey.  But it is never the same.  To me that is impossible.  I am an individual.  So are they.  Even in co-dependent relationships they are still on their own individual journey.

This part of my journey is a road that is overgrown with massive amounts of weeds and brambles, and for me to continue without being choked by the weeds or cut by the brambles, I must prune them.  It is a very slow and sometimes painful process, but in order for me to heal and grow, it must be done.

And while I often think of the ones that can no longer be on my journey with me, I know it is better for me, and as much as a very large part of me would still like to try to help them, or let them help me, I honestly believe we have tried long enough to 'fix' each other.  Or perhaps since no one really needs fixing, a better term would be to help each other see where they could be healthier and happier and leading fuller lives.  It may not appear like I take advice because it takes me a long time to put into action the advice I have received from loved ones and family, and yes lovers fit into this category too.  Perhaps even more than family because they know me in a way that family never could.  And my lovers have helped me greatly in discovering who I really am, as apposed to who I was, or who I may have recently pretended to be....hoped I could be....but sadly know I am not.

And perhaps it's not so sad after all.  Perhaps it was just another part of my journey.  My lessons in life.


Sunday, August 24, 2014

YARRR! Being a Pirate Can Be Frustrating

I WANT MY NEW DOCTOR!  And I want him now.  I tried all the BBC links and while I can download the players, I can't download any shows until I'm back in England....RRRRRR.  I not be going to England, any time soon, maties.   So here I sit with Sammy Bo Baggins, trying every site known to man, and I'm not getting anything that doesn't want me to sign up for some 'free' offers that are anything but free.  So I keep looking.  Keep playing with Sammy, and keep understanding that, this is not going to work, and I'm not going to get to see my new DOCTOR!

You see, I was at a birthday party last night for a friend, must really care about her a lot to miss dr. who, but I was so sure I could stream it....somewhere....found three other Doctor Who fans at the party too all, planning to do the same thing, or in the case of my favorite british couple here in The Windy City, they watched half of it an LEFT for the party.  I had to keep saying, SPOILERS, sweetie at them as they smiled at me with their contagious british wit and said, "Oh.  Of course.  Actually the big part that happens, is...."  and I ran away with fingers solidly implanted in my ears.

Now it seems that I may have found one, for screaning purposes only, and in black and white, but you know what, the first doctor was in black and white and I don't care.  I need to see it.  I can always watch it again when the fans start posting it on line.  Very disappointed that it wasn't on my usual sites, they are always so reliable.

I will attempt to watch it while Sammy Bo Baggins naps, and hopefully I will not go through too much withdrawal from Doctor 11, like I did when Doctor 10 left.  Sigh.  Sill makes me sad, but I am looking forward to Doctor 12.  He is fanboy like I'm a fangirl.  And there is nothing sweeter than getting to see a fan grow up and become a character he never thought he'd get the chance to act.  Can you imagine, little Peter five years old watching the very first Doctor on TV and never missing an episode?  Doctor Who has been in my life my entire life.  Although I didn't get a chance to watch it a a child like he did, I started with Doctor 4, and never looked back.  Well, I watched the older ones eventually, but the reboot is everything Doctor Who wanted to be back then but we didn't have the technology.  Now, it's stunning, even in black and white.

And now I think it may be time to put aside all the worries of life and trials we all go through and get lost with one of my favorite Donna, I keep watching for my TARDIS, like Rose I know it would end badly, and most like River, having my own sonic screwdriver, try to keep up, Sweetie.


Sunday, August 17, 2014

Surviving Childhood Abuse Is A Life Time Struggle

As a survivor of childhood abuse I can tell you that you don't just survive that point in time.  But you survive that point in time, over an over.  And not in just the triggers or memories that bring it back to you, but in the life choices being a survivor gifts you with.  That's right, I said gifts you.  Because for me there is no other way to look at it except with biting sarcasm.  I survived the childhood rapes, mostly because I didn't remember the first one, and the last two were, well I remembered them, lets leave it there.  But what becoming awakened sexually at a much too early time in my life, way before puberty and before I had a real chance at understanding what those feelings and emotions were all about, had done to my psyche, only time would tell.  And boy has it.  I have survived all the wrong choices and three divorces.  One very vivid trigger that I dated for a year....yech.  How much of THAT do I want to own?  Been a mistress....twice.  And while my heart will always love them, I can never trust them because I've seen how they treat their wives.  But I survived that too.  Even to the point to defend the wives.  Something my heart never would have believed possible when it loved them with such hope and such devotion.  You see sometimes being a mistress is more about being a shrink, or a mom, or a best friend than a stripper or a hooker.  Although I won't lie, those things come into it too.  The fantasy girl that they either don't see in the mother of their children, (that's their hangup not mine) or they don't like when their chosen woman tries to be the fantasy.  See I don't believe anyone thinks as a little girl, "I can't wait to grow up and be a monster to my husband and make him run to another woman for solace."  Nor do I think that any little girl thinks, "I can't wait to grow up to be a mistress and fulfill the whim of a man that doesn't love me enough to be with me."  But if that's not true where do these women come from?

Sometimes its from childhood rape, sometimes its from a life time of being coached into silence or told that you deserve this, or that it's good for you, or that if you tell you'll be killed.  The anger and rage that is suffocated when this happens is so enormous for some of us that it actually seems to surround us like a cloud of, "don't touch me."  or "keep your distance, I'll only hurt you."  or "I eat men like you for breakfast."  Been all those women too.  Have hated men so much that I wanted them to hurt, like the little girl in me hurt. But I thought I hid it well.  Perhaps I didn't, perhaps that why, with very few exceptions, I attracted bad boys that partied too much and cheating was a 'way of life'.  Perhaps the very few exceptions wanted to save me or show me that real love was something I deserved and they were going to be the man to show me that.  But unfortunately I was so angry and afraid of being controlled again that I couldn't let that happen.  And would eventually find a way to push them away, or if that didn't work, leave on my own.  And I survived all of that.

Sometimes, in the case of the monster wife, I believe that the more men lie to us the more paranoid and possessive we become, thus growing into the monsters they eventually run from.  It's a round robin.  I'm not completely blaming the lying man there.  Obviously, I'm sure in most cases, they tried to tell the truth and got their head bit off for it, so when worse things happen, things that need to be discussed between husband and wife, they don't even try.  They don't want the confrontation and what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?  Nope.  Not right.  Because somehow the truth always finds a way.  Just like love.  (cue Yes) So sometimes, and I believe more often then not, having been that monster wife and seen a few in my time, we become what our husbands help to create in us by not being our loving friends and confidents that we were together before the dreaded marriage.  And in some very rare cases children can appear to spoil this but I really have no patience for those parents, because I love children and it is never a child's fault for being here.  None of us asked to be born.  And I survived all of that.

I wish that I would have gotten help for my rage, and inferiority complexes years ago, as a child, before I started picking mates.  I think I might have survived better.  But perhaps not.  They say that you don't remember traumatic times until you are ready to handle them, so perhaps my small childlike mind would have snapped, and my wonderful children would never have been born, and that would have been a mistake.  Maybe it was meant to happen the way it did, so that I could really grasp that none of it was my fault.  And be able to let go of the anger, and the desire to be with men who clearly are unavailable, and not worthy of my love.  Maybe my mind was not ready to let it go until I experienced all that control, and got those issues out of me.  That poor little 12 year old girl crying into her pillow swearing to whatever gods were listening that she would never hurt like this again, never let a man control her like this again.  How many times did I let that little girl down?  A few, but sometimes I let her have her way, and at those times, I was a controlling bitch.  Possessive, paranoid, untrusting and untrustworthy, selfish, demanding and with impossible shoes for the men in my life to fill.  But I survived all of that.

Sometimes, we just haven't known what a tender, real love is, and will change into the very thing we hate to get it.  Sometimes we are starved for affection, and the unavailability of a man no longer matters.  They also say you always have a choice, and I believe that, but I've also been so swept away in love, or lust or loneliness or all of the above, that there was only one choice to take.  And if you've never been there you will argue this point, and you may.  But the option to say no, those two times I became a mistress, were not an option.  I love them still, but I can't love them at the same time.  I have lost so much respect for them both, so much of the trust I had, the hope that they would see me, love me, and be with me, that it started to turn the tender memories of our times together into a farce of me being used and abused once again.  I couldn't let that happen.  So I had to hide away my love and feelings, once again, coached into silence.  And hope I could save the friendships that started it all.

I guess I was as successful as anyone can be in this situation.  One talks to me about once a month if I'm lucky and battles his own depressions, as do I.  The other I still talk to almost daily but it seems forced sometimes.  Sometimes from him, sometimes from me.  And I guess he is trying to save us too.    But sometimes, sometimes, I feel like the only reason they reach out to me is to make sure I'm ok and not about ready to tell their wives.  So silly.  Why would I want to help them hurt their wives?  I don't hate their wives, I feel sorry for them.  Sorry that they are being lied to every night they lay down together.  Sorry that they don't know that their perfect men are not so perfect.  And maybe they do know, maybe they suspect.  I always did when my husbands cheated.  But maybe they can't face it, will believe it will 'run its course'.  That's the same silence and denial that a woman that gets beat uses as an excuse to stay with a monster.  Wanna know a secret?  She doesn't deserve it.  She doesn't deserve to be lied to, betrayed, and what she doesn't know can hurt her.  Because the main thing a man does when he cheats is he starts to ignore his wife.  You don't think she notices that?  She does.  He starts to disappear in subtle ways from the marriage.  And if she loves him still she will push and prod and question and start to do all the things that will drive him further away, but it's our of love and fear and desperation to save a marriage.  One of the things I learned is that you can't save a marriage all by yourself, no matter how much you want to.  If you both don't want to work on it, it will fail.  It already has, in that case, really.  It's a matter of time.

But I know, and knowledge is strength.  And strength is the main thing you need to survive. Don't be afraid of whatever form your strength takes.  Sometimes it might be anger, sometimes it might be love, but it will always be there if you just look for it and lean on it.  Let it hold you up, let it give you strength to remember who you are and what you stand for.  And never give in to the hopelessness that goes with depression and panic.  Talk to someone, anyone.  I'm right here.


Sunday, August 10, 2014


What a week, but we all know I work best under pressure.  Sammy Bo-Baggins is back and I feel like a contributing person in the family unit again.  I really missed him, and of course we are both sick.  :)  Cute little germ magnet.  And with the beginning of this summer cold I got to experience my first migraine.  LUCKY me.  I have never had such pain in my head.  Never been so ....OUCH.  Was even sick to my stomach and couldn't stand any light source.  ALL technology went away.  But it is gone now and lasted for about 24 hours.  Even had a very hard time sleeping.  Usually, sleep helps my headaches, not this one.  This one actually woke me up from a sleep and started banging on the back of my skull until I sat up.  Then of course with the change in elevation it banged at cluster points above my eyes to lay back down.  What to do?  Glad it is over and I hope I never experience that kind of pain again.  

My daughters have them, and were a bundle of advice.  They tell me it's mostly due to stress.  And didn't even have to ask if I'm stressed.  They know I am worried about getting hooked up with nanny agencies, with only one real experience that I can list where I got paid to watch children.  And under a year experience even here, when all is said and done, but hopefully my age will be a help in this rather than a hindrance.  Maturity usually is when watching children, and since I've been here in Chicago, I've become Betty Crocker.  I know,  I know....NOT my vision either, but you know it ain't bad?  I always wanted that Fairy Tale marriage where I could stay home and raise the kids and write and my husband would gainfully support us on one job and be home every night and the weekends to be a part of his children's lives and mine.  And we would travel and go out and have fun in whatever city we chose to live in.  I think I just got a little sick in my mouth, but you get the idea.  I was a little girl after all.  

A little girl who had her childhood ripped away from her by an abusive babysitter.  This is how survivors, survive.  How we live to not repeat the horror, or lock ourselves away in a room, where it is dark, because we just don't have the trust to try any longer.  I can't be those girls.  I want to hurt the men that hurt me, with my bare hands, with such anger that hell hath no fury to match.  But I'm sure they are dead now or in prison and they aren't worth it.  You know I'd get caught.  Its like I'm a super hero about physical abuse now.  "NOT ON MY WATCH!"And I fly away with the kids under each arm away from whatever harm is about to come to them. (But no capes.  They are dangerous).n  Of course there is no abuse here, and I'm sure there are some more kids out there that need loving, extra grandmas, to watch them while their parents are hard at work.  I just have to find them.  Thats the only real worry.  

So I've decided that instead of finding the right man to fit my scenario, I'm becoming Mr. Right so that I can support myself in the manner to which I have become comfortable.  Without the reason why, being my children's survival.  I'm doing this for me.  Because I deserve it.  That's real growth from the scared and angry little abused girl I've been for so long.  I'm looking forward to finishing my profiles on the nanny sites here and getting my references up and background checks done.  This takes time and money, but things are going in the right direction.  Forward.  Once I find a part time gig to fit in with what the kids need of me here, then I can focus on a full time or several part time ones and find my own apartment!  I sound like a teenager!  I like that.  Teenagers are full of youthful lack of experience and denial that demands they will never fail.  And they jump.  They just go and do it.  That's what I need to find again.  My confidence in myself as I was as a young woman.  Fearless, before all the divorces and hurt and bad decisions. The one that took care of the scared little girl and made her less afraid.  Convinced her she could do it, and didn't have to be silent.  Unafraid to take the world on and never look back.  I know she's still in here somewhere.  I may have left her under a heap of dirty laundry, but once I have all that aired out I'm sure she'll pop up with that know-it-all smirk, the one that looks like "I know something you don't know." And she'll grab my hand and say, "NOT ON MY WATCH."  And we'll be off.  

Better catch up.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

“When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.” ― George R.R. Martin

A good week, I really can't complain.  I am down to the last three chapters of my book in the second draft and I'm feeling both good about that, and sad, that soon I must let it go out into the world.  Artists!  We're a strange bunch.  I'm waiting on feedback from my editor on a good chunk of it, but after that, the last read through, and then I publish.  I need to get this one written and the characters out of my head, because I can feel other things that need to be written.  I just haven't decided yet if I'll make the next one another "fantasy/sci-fi" or if I'll make it a "tell all" or a "how not to book".  Lots of ideas floating around in my head and until I'm happy with one, I won't start or revisit any notes.

My headaches come and go, but so does my emotional state.  I'm coming into the dog days of summer, it has been a cooler and wetter one in Chicago for the most part, at least thats what the natives tell me.  And I'm ok with that.  The afternoon and evening showers fit my mood.  The dog days of summer always have me missing people I've let go, or that have let go of me.  Or both.  And it's a strange time of year for me.  When most people are out and about loving the last days of sun before old man winter wakes up, I'm one to hide away and write or think too much.  I know Buddha said, "Each day we are born again.  What we do today is what matters most."  Or something like that, and that's true and yet, why do I miss certain people so much?

Cryptic, eh?  Yes I know, but the one I miss has asked me not to write about him so...And the other one, well, we are doing well with our long distance 'friendship'  although, we both know its a sham.  And a shame.  Why are the choices we don't make so intriguing?    I know they believe I idolize them that I don't see their faults, but you see, when you are the mistress, you see all the faults as well as the virtues.  You have to, in order to take that plunge.  Other wise I'd just be a stripper or a prostitute.  A mistress is not the road I had set out on, and I will tell you that the first time you cheat is the hardest.  Everything after that, you become an expert at lying and loyalty, and honesty.  After all, most men that cheat still love their wives.  There are rare cases and I know a few, who have lost that love or believe it is gone forever or changed for the worse; and have a loyalty to their spouse that they don't want to be the bad guy, or they have some other vested interest, children or business shares, something.  But what they don't think about is what I had to think about with that first cheating experience on my second husband, with what would be my third husband.  They are very good at thinking about the sex and how it will feel to be in love (lust) again.  That first blush, the thrill of the chase.  What they don't think about is how selfish they are being to their wives.  Pretending, (lying) to them every night when they lay down beside them.  The wives feeling that they have the best man in the world, or if they are unhappy too, and lets be real, they are, they at least are working on the marriage.  In faith that their husband is at the least, being faithful.  How selfish is it to have a wonderful woman you loved enough to marry or have children with or start a business...a life with, and be so afraid of being alone or making your life a mess that you lie to that love.  That you keep her isolated from the truth of your heart.  Is that why you married her?  I don't think so.  What I had to face was that I didn't love my second husband enough or I never would have cheated on him.  Period.  I didn't say I didn't love him.  I said, I didn't love him enough.  Of course I didn't know that when I married him.  We never know our greatest loves until we meet them.  But to keep him tied to me and cheat over and over was not only cruel to me and my third husband, but to him.  You see I knew that he deserved to be loved with the honesty and depth that he is capable of loving.  And so I let him go to find that love.  Not so that he'd be happy, he was happy, so was I.  But once I cheated that was a game changer.   (And guess what, he did find her and we are all better friends for the honesty).

Why are they so afraid of change?  Why do they 'love me' but refuse to 'choose me'?  So I moved to Chicago, to take myself out of the equation and make it a real challenge to see me.  And yes, one still arranged a visit.  Even though I ran.  The other has always been a long way away so me moving around changes nothing.  I often wonder what would happen if I moved there.  But then I think about the first one, and I realize I've already lived that story, and as wonderful and painful as it was, I don't want to do that again.  I want a partner, a companion, an equal, an honest, loyal love.

I know if you have never cheated, you're reading this and fuming that I don't deserve that.  But you are wrong.  You have not walked a mile in my shoes and believe me, my first husband and my third cheated on me, or came so close that the fantasy love they had destroyed us.  Affairs of the mind can be just as damaging as affairs of the flesh, and ones that encompass both, like strippers for example, can be the most damaging.  Try to remember as you are reading, that I was a little girl full of hope and promise before my physical attacks.  Try to remember that I was someone's daughter too.  Try to remember that I didn't grow up with the ideal that I want to be a mistress when I go up.  I wanted to be a ballerina, or a mommy, or an astronaut.

Life is a strange and wondrous journey, and I have to say that while I'm not proud of all my choices I would not rewrite them.  Well, I might change a day or two from the past to keep me with someone I miss, but he knows that.  He feels that too.  But I wouldn't change the affairs.  They have made me who I am and I love myself and respect who I am today.  Try not to crucify me for my past.  It is past.  Just like yours.  Every day is a new beginning.


Sunday, July 27, 2014

Day Three And My Head Is Still Pounding

The human body is a miracle and a wonder.  It gives you little signs when something is wrong with it, or with you.  Goose pimples when you are cold, or scared.  A nagging feeling in your gut when you are hungry, or know you or someone is doing something wrong.  That alertness of the hair on the back of your neck when you are being watched.  Not to mention the thousands of symptoms we get before a major illness strikes, like a heart attack or a brain tumor or cancer.

I think there are two kinds of people in this world where their bodies are concerned.  Ones that take those warnings seriously and those that shrug them off and continue on their merry way.  I've lost some great people to death because they ignored a symptom too long, or knew something was going to happen but got in the car anyway.

Sometimes we make a decision and it's the wrong one and our bodies rebel, with depression, or anxiety or it can even shatter and the fragile mind and become something unrecognizable to not only the owner but their loved ones.

I tend to notice the symptoms my body gives me and continue on my merry way.  I've made some really bad choices ignoring my own internal 'Red Flag' system.  I'm also one of those people that will tell you to run to the doctor, but I have to be forced to go.  And it's not because I don't respect doctors or think they can help me.  It is because I can't afford it, and I hate hospitals.  I'm afraid I will go in and never come out.

Three days ago I started to get a headache.  Little stress headache over my left eye.  Wouldn't be the first time, nor the last that I got one of these.  Then two days ago Mr. Practical and I had a huge fight, and we are not the same even after apologizing.  And my headache got a lot worse.  Felt better after using some natural oils, then not.  Felt a little better after taking some over the counter headache pills, then not.  Felt better while I was drinking last night at Second Daughter's birthday party, (Out until 3am, two different Chicago bars, one was full of free arcade games and pinball- the other a lot of singing!  A lot!) And this morning not.  Now I know you are thinking, hangover.  But I only had four drinks in 8 hours.  Thats not a lot for me, although I will admit I'm out of practice and this doesn't feel like only a hangover.

Oh and lets don't ignore the fact that for a split second last night, I lost my balance and fell to the ground, leaving my left leg looking like a skateboard road rash. Same side as the headache's original starting point, it's all across my forehead to both temples now.   Knee all scratched up and my lower leg has a heck of a bruise with abrasions on it as well.  NICE.  First Daughter wants to go to IHop and while my stomach agrees, the rest of my body is laughing at me.  Part of me wants to run to the doctor, and the other part thinks it has more to do with stress.   Part of me can hear my loved ones over my casket saying, "Why didn't she go to the doctor sooner?"  The other part can see that if I just get rid of the things in my life that are stressful, I'll be ok again.  Red Flag.  I know I should have left Mr. Charisma much sooner than I did...than we did.  I have felt both sorry for us and hopeful for us, and even happy for our individual journeys for me and Mr. Hopeful.  And now I'm faced with the possibility of having to discuss with Mr. Practical a final parting of the ways or burning of bridges, and it makes my headache worse to think about it.  And my gut?  Well it's calm, resolved, as is my mind.  My heart is the slow one to get with the program.  But it usually is.  My heart apparently needs a brick building to fall on it.  Or a final straw.

I had more to say, but my memory lately has been like someone who is thirty years older.  I blame my meds.  There is that Red Flag again.  But I'm continuing on my not so merry way.


Sunday, July 20, 2014

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

What motivates you?

Serious question time.  Really.  What motivates you?  I used to think it was money.  That I'd do just about any boring job I really hated to support my family.  That got me out of bed every morning and made it worth doing.  To get a paycheck that barely covered our bills, if it covered our bills.  Over ten years ago I filled for bankruptcy.  And I've been up and down since then.  Life.  You learn how to live it on the run.  And unlike all the movies, or music or video games I love there is no pause button to freeze frame a moment in time until you are ready for it.  How great would that be?  Almost like a time machine.

They say (yes, them again, I know, they say a lot).  But they say, that everything happens for a reason and things come to you when you are ready to accept them.  That may be true.  It also may be false.  It may be that your life is your hell.  That we live it on earth.  (they say that too).  It could be that you get what you give.  WOW.  I hope that's both true and not true, for none of us are safe from bad karma.  And then there are the ones that don't think this life matters much at all and have their eyes set on some 'after life'  as if all the suffering will be rewarded once they are dead and buried and forgotten.

What motivates you?

Some daydream of a hopeful future with an impossible person?  That used to be me too.  I used to get bitter at the waiting around for Mr. Right.  The testing to see if Mr. So and So was Mr. Right, and being wrong.  But at least I tried.  At least back in the day, I put myself out there.  Now, I write.  Now I don't put myself out there.  Because now the only men that seem interested in me are unavailable.  You could say, that I only feel safe with married men, because I don't want anymore failed relationships and a married man will leave me alone.  RIGHT.  Married men are the worst.  Take it from me.  They tell you all sorts of things that are wrong with their wives, and marriages but they don't leave.  They run back for many reasons.  Depends on the man and his situations.  What kills me is they are all very different, but this one thing rings true with all of the ones I've met and had relationships with.  They want something from their wives they aren't getting and the wives either don't know they want it, or refuse to give them, so they find it from another woman.  But the part that really sucks is that the women don't know or if they do, they don't care.  And they still go back to them.  The wives feel that their husbands would never cheat on them.  That sure, the marriage isn't perfect but what marriage is?  Or the ever popular and the one I could never understand because I hate sharing, is, well, let him have his fun, it's only sex.  ONLY SEX!  WOW.  If that were true.  There would never be any loss or heartbreak.  But it's not only sex.  It is so intimate.  So revealing.  I know things about them that I bet their own wives don't know.  And they should.  But sometimes its scary to talk to someone you love that much.  Someone you are really afraid to lose.  See, they aren't really afraid to lose me, and they aren't talking about me, so it's easy to tell me what's wrong.  And easy for me to fix it.  Temporarily, because they don't stay.

So after three failed marriages, I can say no marriage is perfect.  But after three failed marriages I know what NOT to do.  And I know what both partners should do.  After being a mistress, twice and a shameless flirt more times than I want to admit, I've changed.  Now I feel boring.  But its not that.  No I still love sex and the men that can bring it.  Its just that THAT kind of attention is not what motivates me anymore.  And as much as I miss it and as good as it can be, the more I'm without it the more I find that I don't need it.  Want it yes, need it no.

What motivates you?

Still haven't answered it.  I guess the most interesting people I've met are over 40 and still don't know what they want to be when they grow up.  Like me.  What motivates me?  Every day.  Every single day is a new day to try to be the best you.  The best person you can be.  So that when you try to sleep at night you can sleep instead of think.  Every single day could be the day that changed your entire life.  So get up.  Do what you want with your life.  Even if it's just sitting in bed and writing.  But do something.  Create something.  Or someone.  Kids are nice.  Messy, but nice.  But don't create a kid in hopes that they will save you.  They will change you, and you will save them.  But they won't save you.  So if you need saving, don't have kids.  Raise yourself first.  Love yourself first.  Before you try to love anyone else, accept who you are.  And like yourself.  I promise you if you don't you cannot like or love anyone else.  I've seen it happen.   I've seen loving men grow to hate themselves and get depressed.  I've seen happy people become bitter at the life they have instead of being thankful that they are aware.  ALIVE.  That's the real motivation.  You ARE.


Sunday, July 13, 2014

Fight Night America!

Had a great time last night at the Fight Night America show.  I haven't gotten to see Second Daughter perform in a play since she was in college.  Her costuming is great and theatre companies tend to take advantage of a good costumer when one comes along, but last night I got to see her act again.  And it was wonderful.  Fight Night goes on here in Chicago twice a year, and it's a group of eight ten minute plays all original works written by local artists. And performed by their theatre companies.  Second Daughters company, Strange Loop (follow link) has a picture up of her that is much better than the one I took.  (she's the one sitting down)  Anyway, theirs was the only serious fight play in all eight and believe me after the show my cheeks were hurting from all the laughter.  Every play is a ten minute fight scene, and if necessary complete with blood.  As actors they get to opportunity to fine tune their stage fighting skills and learn how to make blood packs.  Lots and lots of blood packs.

After the shows, as tradition would have it, we hung out at the bar downstairs from the theatre, with all the actors and writers and directors from the evening.  And of course the audience which was full of more actors and writers and directors.  Second Daughter made me a surprise birthday cake, since my birthday is tomorrow, and brought it with her.  She unveiled it at the after party, and a great many new friends were made around the cake.  To get a piece they only had to wish me a happy birthday.  Fun!  And full of surprises.  One director/writer came up and I found out his birthday is the same as mine, only about 25 years later.  LOL  And we toasted Bastille Day together being the only people in the room intimate with the date.  Another of the actors actually sang happy birthday to me in Polish for his piece.  He was the first one too. Very original and very gay.  I talked to a lot gay guys last night and that's always fun and then there was one, very not gay, that I actually allowed to talk to me.  I found the needle in the haystack!  He was nice, unattached, and we broke the ice with a piece of birthday cake.  And then he actually helped explain to people as they came up that all they had to do was wish me a happy birthday and get a piece of cake.  Nice.  Eventually as the cake was depleted by hungry actors, I think Polish Guys actor partner from the scene had three, we discussed the coming zombie apocalypse.  He approves of my crow bar weapon and admits he needs more guns before he can come to my island on my boat.  Of course we decided the next time we see each other to discuss it more and that we were sure if the zombies attacked before then, we would run into each others crew and be able to say, "I knew you'd make it."

As much as I'm making light of this encounter it is important in its own right.  For a few good reasons.  1.  This guy seemed single, no woman on his arm, and I was not afraid to talk to him.  2.  I didn't just sit and watch the room, I tried to talk to strangers.  3.  It felt good to be accepted and not judged by anyone in the room.  (well accept the girls that looked longingly at the cake, like it was Johnny Depp, but couldn't either swallow their pride and wish another woman a happy birthday, OR couldn't risk their diets...Youth is wasted on the young.)

Since Second Son is off work today, he and Second Daughter and First Daughter are taking me out to eat at a French restaurant for my birthday and perhaps drinks after.  I don't expect it to be as late an evening, since we got in at 3 am this morning, but you never know.  Let Birthday week begin!  I miss my fellow cancers in Wisconsin this week and next as I'm sure the birthday month will continue there without me, but you all are in my thoughts with fond memories of birthday's past that we shared.  Believe me if I could get there I would.

So as Pink would say, Raise Your Glass, and celebrate with me another year gone, and another on the horizon.  Oh and don't forget the cake.


Sunday, July 6, 2014

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Ever get CGB or SBB? (Crazy Girl Brain, or Stupid Boy Brain, for you new readers out there).  Well, I do.  And I've decided it's a real disorder.  Like agoraphobia or some other phobia.  But the best way I can explain CGB, and I can only explain CGB because I'm a girl, I assume Stupid Boy Brain works in reverse as all things masculine seem reversed to me.  But with CGB, I get a thought, and it crosses my mind...a lot.  Back and forth, criss-crossing until it has a mind of its own.  A direction, that usually points to the negative scale of my emotions.  It's actually too bad I can't have happy CGB, but I guess then it wouldn't be crazy.

And the thoughts compile, with reasons that seem logical, and explanations where I have none, to fill in the gaps of reason.  I know what you're thinking....I'm a girl and I can't think logically or with reason.  HA!  Well, ok...I'll help perpetuate that myth.  To me, they seem reasonable conclusions.  And in the past, I have not listened to my CGB, because I think its crazy.  I also have a really accurate 'gut reaction'.  But guess what?  I don't listen to it either.  Because usually it tells me to NOT do what I want to do.

Go figure.

I wonder who wins in that scenario?

Right.  So.  This dangerous combination of seeing the red flags and ignoring them, is probably my fatal flaw.  One which can make me both endearing and sexy,  and infuriatingly hard to deal with.  I have a knack for creating my own drama.  And so do you.  We ALL do.  We also all create our own fates.  Yep.  That's right.  We do what we want to do, even if we know it's wrong, or will hurt someone, even ourselves.  Because in the end, we are true to ourselves.

But that still doesn't mean you should believe everything you think.  Sometimes what you are thinking is the wrong thing.  The worst thing for you.  Even if it feels good.  Even if it seems right.  Even if it's easy.  The best things in life are worth fighting for, and believing in.  I know what I'm fighting for, and I know what I believe in.  And I know the choices I've made in my life don't make my life easier.  But they are my choices.

And in the end, even if I believe that I'm alone and will always remain this way, maybe its for my own good.  Maybe its because I don't want to hurt anyone again like I've hurt people in the past.  Maybe I deserve this.  Maybe I'll learn to be happy like this, and stop wishing that I had that one special man by my side to share my thoughts with.  Maybe I'll learn to really like my own company enough to know that I'm wasting my life dreaming and hoping.  Or maybe I'll just fade away, like a memory to all those who once thought they knew me.

Or maybe I should stop thinking.

Thinking is the thing I do too much of anyway...over think.  Do you do that too?  Then you have it.  CGB, or SBB.  It's a self sacrificing sort of feeling.  That instead of being happy, being who you are you become who society thinks you should be.  OH that's a dangerous trap.  Society won't take care of you when you are old and weak and tired.  Society won't hold you on a lonely night, or talk you down from the ledge.  Society won't listen to your broken heart and share in your successes.

That's one thing I've really stopped doing.  Being what society thinks I should be at my age.  I get one life.  This one.  And I'm making it as happy as I can.  And if it doesn't fit in with what you think a 'normal' person should be or do, well...that's not my fault.  Thats yours.

See, lots of thinking going on.  Lots of directions.  At least I'm writing.  Up to chapter 10 in the second draft my novel now.  Waiting for feedback from Mr. Practical.  Missing Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Practical and thinking that maybe I should just disappear.  It would make everything so much easier for them.

But, don't believe everything you think....