Sunday, July 29, 2012

"Love may be the answer, but sex can raise some pretty good questions." Woody Allen

I'm finding it difficult to stay focused on anything this morning, I should be studying up on topics for my jobs, cleaning the apartment, or at least writing on my novels.  I should be opening my Word documents, my second drafts and trying to put something together to finish my them and get them published.  They used to seem so important to me, so necessary to get my thoughts on the page and out entertain others with my stories.  Now the characters in my head seem to be unusually silent, and sullen.  As if they are all sitting on bar stools with their arms folded across their chests, refusing to talk to me anymore until they are served.  And I'm the harried bartender, racing behind the bar, trying to serve them all so I can hear what they have to say, and perhaps make it into a story worth telling.  When the words were flowing, the chatter around the bar was a din so loud I could hardly keep my attention on the character speaking, and now that they are that I've ignored them for a year, and refused them equal time in my life....their silence is more of a din then their voices ever were.  I sigh, and wish it could be otherwise.  But all the things I should be doing today, I feel I won't be doing.

My mind is a million miles away, still in his arms, still feeling his touch as he comes up behind me to hold me and kiss my neck, hello.  I fit so nicely in his arms, and melt so completely against his body, his touch sending waves of passion and complete trust through me.  It's a very difficult place to leave, and so today, with everything else I should be doing, I know I will be here, basking in the wonderful feeling of a Bangover.  Dreaming and reliving the moment until the next moment comes.

I shouldn't be up this early, I got home after midnight and lay in bed thinking of him as I blissfully fell asleep, and a short 5 hours later I awoke with the same smile on my face.  I should be tired, but i'm not.  I feel alive, desired, loved, sore, needed, content...these are feelings that I want more of, on a daily basis.  And who wouldn't, right?  That's a no-brainer.  And since I can't have that, I'm going to bask in what I can have, for as long as I can.  Sighing in bliss.  This is not a sad thing, this is joy.  And joy is a feeling that as humans, we just don't allow ourselves enough of.  Love and joy should be something we experience everyday, something we demand to have to be happy.  Scientifically it really is, you know?  A person that doesn't get enough hugs or human touch gets bitter, cynical, and jaded.  I'd rather be blissful and smiling and knowing that I am loved and can love.

See that's the real win...knowing you are loved and can love.  Knowing that no matter what you have been through, what difficulties of the heart you have experienced, the act of expressing love, sex, can cure what ails you.  Can change your outlook on yourself in an instant, can boost your confidence and ego, and when love is in the mix, can work miracles.

If you are reading this and there is someone you love near you, grab them, and hold them.  If you are alone make a call, or get out there and meet someone to share your joy with.  For life is short, and waiting will only accomplish a wasting of time and regrets.  Live life and love.  It really is the best advice.


Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Great Start Turns Sour

“We always see our worst selves. Our most vulnerable selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust.” ― David Levithan, Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List

I had an interesting week to say the least.  I knew without a doubt that I would be celebrating two more birthdays on Saturday, after my own smash birthday the Saturday before.  I also had my weekly trivia team to look forward to on Monday and a blissful escape with Mr. Hopeful midweek, so the week had a lot of anticipation in the 'living life' category.  Work was...well work...struggling as usual, but seeing some money now, so the stress is a little less, although more money would erase most of my attitude problem.

Monday started with a bang.  We won trivia!  Earlier that day I got a mysterious text, and Mr. Confident made another appearance, surprisingly, out of the blue, after almost 6 months of nothing.  This is a 'toy' in training, and I've given up on him many more times than I've counted on him.  In fact I don't count on him and I rarely think of him at all, except when he texts.  So...having not had a good pounding in three months, I accepted.  What the hell, I'm a single woman, and I still say who and when.  And while I was a tiny bit guilty, because I don't love him, I love someone else, I was also shall we say, in great need of the distraction.  And while he is young, and selfish lover, he does follow direction well.  I don't instruct.  I know, with my experience I should, but it's a waste of my time, and I like to see what they know, and if they are worth training before I go there.  Only Mr. Hopeful has proven he is worth training...and that's because he doesn't need my instructions, he instructs me.  Which makes all the difference for me.  

And my blissful escape with Mr. Hopeful...all you need to know is that I'm still smiling, and he is the bright spot of light in my corner of darkness.  Every time life gets too serious or scary or hopeless, I think of us, of him, and I smile.  And it gives me the strength to keep going.  I suppose that feeling alone makes us more than lovers, makes us friends.  He helps me to see my best self, and while I love him, I often wonder if he loves me or loves the reflection of himself that he sees in me.  I know I trust him.  I know he knows me, probably better than anyone ever has understood me, he does somehow, and still likes me.  He is one of the only people in my life that I trust enough to tell me I'm wrong, and believe him.  I actually think our friendship is much more important than our highly proficient sex.   But I have to admit, I think I'm addicted to him.  And the way I feel when  I'm with him.  He sees my worst self, as I do, and convinces me I'm wrong for he sees my best self, which I never see.

I have another friend Mr. Practical...I haven't spoken of him on my blog in a long time by his nickname, but my relationship with him is very similar to Mr. Hopeful....he's just so damn far away that I can't touch him.  And so our relationship has gone full circle to before we actually met, and touched, and discovered that our feelings translated from the mysterious ether of the web to the undeniable honesty in our eyes.  I trust him and his opinions, without question.  Because we debate issues, we discuss openly differences of opinions on every subject level.  And we have learned by being completely honest with each other, even when it hurt so much that it seemed we had lost it all, that we were able to save it all.  This is a priceless friendship and one I will never give up.

And this brings me to the trust and friendship part, the two birthdays I mentioned...well one happened, my girlfriends, and I was all dressed up for the other one...all night....waiting for text or a message the the party had started for his birthday.  Never got an invite, never got a shout out that things were cancelled, nothing....Of course I got crazy girl brain.  We've been good friends and confidants for over 10 years....I was irritated, angry and then like most chicks, threw my hands up in the air and said, 'fuck it' and continued t0 have a good time with my real friends...the ones that actually wanted me around.  This is what I mean by my worst self, and being vulnerable....this is when I need Mr. Hopeful or Mr. Practical to convince me that I'm wrong...that I'm jumping to conclusions, that there was a miss-communication, or maybe no party happened and you didn't miss a thing...wait and talk to him before you jump.  

While I'm perfectly capable of giving myself the advice that they would give...I find myself not believing it.  I find my intuition....itching.  I find my gut....not buying it.  I feel as if I was told there would be something, not sure what, a time, not sure where, and to be ready for a call that never came.  This is my error not his.  You see, this is me trusting where I should not.  This is my worst self.  This is where I ruin everything, because I believe, on some level, that I deserve to be treated this way, so I look for it to happen, and it does.  

I expect to be let down, because they do.  I expect to be lied to, because they lie about me....I'm a dirty little secret.  But you know, its mostly in their minds.  I'm a fantasy to them that they can't admit to having.  And I'm not complaining about being a fantasy, I guess I'd rather be a fantasy than a reality with all of them, except one.  And I'd rather be his fantasy than nothing, because I'm addicted.  

I learned a lesson last night that I thought I'd learned years ago.  Never depend on anyone else for your happiness or your fun, even if they are a friend and promise you they will be there, they will let you down.  Not because of who you are or who they are, but because the minute you stop trusting yourself to be in control of your own are not only vulnerable, but you are a fool.  Because only you can disappoint yourself, only you can make yourself happy.  I put too much anticipation into an event that never occurred, instead of enjoying the event that did.  I'm glad this disappointment came in a week with so many wonderful moments.  I'm glad that I relearned this, and while I can't wait for the story, I'm seriously hoping I can wait for him to tell me, and not ask.  As a writer I actually like it when they try to lie to me, I see through it every time, but I almost never call them on it to their faces.  I keep trusting, and letting them see that I trust them.  

Why do I do this, you ask?
                                                             What else can I do?  

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The Evils of Liquor

I used to be a wise and energy filled woman, witty and confident.  Yesterday was my 50th birthday, and I chose, after what appears to be not enough debate, to go downtown and celebrate.  The evening started with a lovely dinner at a local Cajun restaurant and a rum filled drink called a hurricane...this should have been my first warning.  After all I was wise before I started drinking....

My family then took me to meet up with some of our friends at one of my favorite bars, to which the bartender, another family/friend started making me drinks that he 'said' he had no idea how much booze was in them...I had two...and they were big, and pink, and from what he did say there was, slo gin, southern comfort, rum, and some other ones that if I try to remember them I'll be sick again.  Then the shots started...someone bought me one, that I've never seen before and from what I remember of it, it was yellow and had a frothy head to it and something in the bottom...which i ate without question..  Now I'm questioning it.  Never trust a cloudy shot.  Then a very welcome shot of tequila that I requested to drink for all my friends that couldn't be with me, one in particular, who texted me to do a lemon drop.  At which point I did, along with the second of those pink thingys.  Now I'm hugging people and talking to friends who are coming and going, and having a really great time, and probably should have stayed put.  But I didn't.  I then took my party to another friends party at another favorite bar at which point more friends started to buy me rum and cokes and sex on the beach..another cloudy drink...hum...don't trust it.  Well, after all this drinking, we started at 6 with dinner, but that was a slow the time we got to the bar it was 8ish. and little did I know that my evening would be done in three short hours.  By midnight I was home safe, thanks to my son and daughter in law who made sure all night that I didn't stumble out of my heels.  My head is still in pain, my stomach is still turning over and it is very difficult to perform the slightest making coffee...or trying to eat an asprin...I'm going to attempt to drink something and see if I can.

So let me apologize for the blog this week, it's not going to be deep thoughts about love or sex or life or any of my usual ramblings.  Today I will be under the ac, nursing my head, watching movies with my son and daughter....then gaming later...oh my head hurts just thinking about the prospect of more drinking tonight at gaming....I might have to abstain....
probably be a good idea
since I'm not sure who sent all the drunk texts from my phone....he he he

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Live The Life You Want To Live

I believe that people that are unhappy with their lives are in some way unhappy with themselves.  I don't mean being unhappy about the things you can't control that life thrusts upon you, like losing a job or the death of a loved one.  I mean the unhappiness that some people feel and there is no outside explanation for it.  You know the ones that seem to have everything.  A house to live in, food on the table, a warm and loving companion, children to lovingly guide into adulthood, and they are still sad and unfulfilled.  When you have it all and still feel like your living someone else's life, that is a huge clue that you are indeed doing just that.  

I really don't care how hard it is.  If you are unhappy and can change it somehow, but don't, that is your own fault.  And I have very little patience for people who are happier with their unfix-able drama, than in finding a way to be happy with their choices.  I know sometimes we get lost or trapped and can't seem to find a way out.  I understand how black and dark it can be behind a wall, or in a pit of despair.  But I also know, having survived a few, that you have friends wanting to help you up.  Wanting to give you confidence, love and's taking that support that can be hard.  It's admitting that you need to make a change.  Not to your family and friends, that's actually the easy part...but to yourself.  That's the hard part.  When you realize you want something other than what you want that new life to start as soon as possible.  That desire gives you strength to change.  And when it's real it can be an unstoppable force.  Sometimes it can be real but we are so afraid to make a change we become paralyzed with fear at the imagined outcomes.  So we do nothing and fall deeper into the pit, or build the wall a little higher.  This is what denial and delusions look like...from the outside it can seem like all is well, but on the inside....the pretense of living a lie, no matter what the lie is, will sap all the happiness out of you.  Making even small infrequent happy moments, filled with stress or guilt or even anger that you aren't with the people you think you should be with, or living the life you always envisioned.  This is called regret, and it can make you a depressed and uninteresting person to be around.  I know, I was one...sometimes I still am one, but i try not to let myself fall into the pit, and I recently took a few bricks out of my wall and peeked out.  And a bunch of hands pulled me up and out, and boy was  I scared, and happy, and so touched that so many friends and family cared about what was going on in my silly little life.  But I guess that is love too, isn't?  

Change only happens when you want it to.  Until you want to change everything will remain the same.  I read something the other day that snapped me out of a pit I'd followed a friend into...won't do that was dark and musty down there...anyway, the saying was:

    "When you want to succeed as much as you want to breathe...that's when you will become successful."  

I hadn't heard that one before, but I found it very true.  Breathing is easy.  We do it without thinking, and when we can't... we fight with every ounce of strength in our bodies to find a way to breathe.  And we succeed, every time.  No matter how difficult it may be to achieve, we don't even think about how hard it is to try, we just get it done.  We see no other option but to breathe.  This is how we act every time we make a decision and stick to it.  Once set in motion our determination can be unstoppable.  But this is a good thing.  This is how all change desperate moment of having to breathe and making it happen.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I Go To Extremes.....

So once again I've been told that I go to extremes.  My highs...too lows...too low.  And I'm pondering this over coffee this morning.  What does it actually mean to be told this.  I know I'm an emotional soul and that information hits me in a very real way, because I'm very connected to my loved ones.  I actually care.  Perhaps too much, but I do care.  But I don't just sit here an become emotional without information, without an exchange of ideas.  You tell me something in your life and I'm going to react, because I can. I feel.  I still have emotions and I express them.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and hiding is not my natural state.  I can fake it with the best of them, but if I love you, I won't fake it.  For the simple fact that I shouldn't have to hide from my loved ones.  They should get me, because they love me too.  

And for the most part I believe that they do.  But there is a special person in my life that I'm having issues with right now, in understanding, that if you tell me I make you feel bad, or negative, or that I've hurt you; well I'm going to try my best to fix that, aren't I?  I'm going to try to never do that again, and apologize.  That's what people do when they have wronged each other and care about losing each other.  Even if it's not my fault...even if you tell me that it's all your fault....I am not going to be happy if my presence in your life does not bring you joy.  And what person in there right mind would want to make people miserable by being in their lives?  No one.  That's who.  We all hope that our friendships and loves are joyful, if they weren't why have them?  I don't believe in torture of the heart, or destruction of the ego to build a person into who they should be.  I believe that if you tell a person they are bad, eventually they will believe it.  I believe that some words cannot be taken be very careful what you say.  I also believe that actions speak louder than words, and that is information as well.  When a person's actions don't match their words, that causes an emotional reaction as well.  

Again, I'm not stupid.  I'm actually quite sensitive and observant.  I just don't always admit to myself what I see...what I know....what I've been told is sometimes not what I want to hear. Sometimes I don't want to know the truth.  I don't want to know even when it's standing right in front of me.  And as stressed as we all are in this economy, with our jobs on the line or in the unemployment line, we are all human, and all in the same boat.  And we could all do better to remember to cut each other some slack.  After all you aren't the only person with stress, and you should never offer what you can't deliver.  Weather that's a hand in friendship or, a heart for compassion, a body for sex, or a mind for solutions.

Being true to yourself will erase all stress and guilt.  Embracing who you are is the fist step.  Accepting that you may not be the person you think you are, is also the first step to becoming that person.  This is how change happens.  Not from fighting yourself and trying to convince yourself that you are a good person when you clearly are not perfect. No one is.  Everyone has their flaws and faults, we either embrace them, or change them.  Nothing else we can do.  Your attitude is what you can control.  Here is the difference.  You can live life and love who you are and then have no regrets over your choices, OR you can hate your life and who you are and regret and second guess every choice.  But let me caution you right here.  If you think you are being honest with yourself and you hate haven't embraced who you are.  Or you are, and you are refusing the change you need to do to love yourself.  Either way is not good, not healthy, and will cause more stress. 

Hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but it's true.  I spent my 20's lying to myself about love and who I was, as opposed to who I wanted to be or who I thought I was.  But I bet most of us do that in our 20's as we are finding ourselves.  In my 30's I was really starting to like who I was becoming, and I met some of the best people in my life then, the greatest love, and losses as it turned out...shocking considering my 20's but there it is.  But you never know what you've got till it's gone, eh?  But through all that I was still on a road to discovery...want to know a secret?  I still am.  In two weeks I'll be 50, and I still am discovering new things about my heart, mind and body.  As alone as you may see me, I am happy.  And I have no regrets for the loves I have tried, and lost.  Well...i do regret losing one in particular he is and will always be the greatest love of my life and everyone after him option I guess.  I suppose I could be surprised.  But I rarely am, except by him.  I can't even stay angry at him.  Damn it.

Take it Billy Joel...:D