Sunday, February 24, 2013

Have It All - Foo Fighters

Now this song is my attempt to see me through their eyes.  And kind of the way I see myself when I'm with them.  If you don't know this song, I suggest you really read the lyrics because it hits home for me on many levels.  And last week, while Mr. Hopeful has been absent almost the entire month....four weeks next week, and Mr. Charisma and I had our first real fight about 'having it all', I've discovered that it means very different things for them than it does for me.

For them, I believe it means keeping me as insurance...just in case they decide that they have had enough in their complicated relationships....had enough torment, had enough being cheated on, had enough being 'teased' to the point of pain, had enough fighting in front of the kids and wondering why they are acting out,  had enough doing their 'marriage bed duties' without any passion attached, and possibly had enough hollow and pathetic experiences with strippers, or prostitutes, who they help to force into a debasing status by paying them to reduce their moral rank in the eyes of what should be their equals.  Lets get one thing straight here, I do not hate strippers or hookers, I hate the men that keep them down, and make these young women feel like this is all they can do.  Poor dears.  What they don't want to see, in their male egos, is that most if not all of these woman are destroyed in some way, many by their own fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands.  And some even believe this is their choice.  They like you as long as you have money.  Hey, whatever gets you through the job, right?  But it's a profession that has a very short span of time where you can be successful, as the physical body ages.  Then what do these women do?  Especially if their money has not been saved for a future.  Attach themselves to a regular 'mark' for money and a lifetime of favors, perhaps some are clever enough for that.  And ask yourself this, can they ever trust any man after that lifestyle?  Seems a hard road, and why I don't help them financially.

But for me, having it all is about, for once, feeling like I am in charge of my heart.  Following my instincts and breaking down my walls of jealousy, and control, and just learning how to love.  And hopefully picking the right man who, while is not dead and can appreciate a beautiful woman, doesn't have to have every woman to prove I am real.  To prove the feelings for me are real.  For me, having it all means I can walk with this man, hand and hand and when we stumble we will be able to communicate and fix it and never make the same mistakes again.  Different ones, for sure, but not the same ones.  Each helping the other up, for we both will make mistakes.  For me this time it has included the unfortunate timing of feeling in love with two men at the same time, and I'm so torn.  I thought I had learned this lesson years ago, but apparently Fate believes I need another shot at making the right choice, and here I go again, paralyzed with doubt and fear.  Fear that they are both just using me, fear that I am just using them to fill a void, or at least one of them.  And the fear that I will make a choice only to be hurt again, knowing that I once again, could not see the forest for the trees.

You know they say Fate will place the same issue in front of you, to see if you will make the same mistake again.  And will keep doing it until you get it right.  So if you see a pattern in your past that you say to yourself, "it's always the same thing"  or "they are all alike"  or "when will I learn"  perhaps the problem is not with them but with YOU.  Perhaps you need to find your inner strength, your convictions, your boundaries and stick to them.  No matter how painful.  For I really believe I found that strength last week, as Mr Charisma and I were able to make up and move forward.  I have decided that he has earned the same respect and long...VERY LONG leash I gave Mr. Hopeful.  And while I know they are not mine to collar...(although I like that image.  hehe)  In a way, since my heart is involved, they are.  And we shall see what they do with their leashes.  Its about trust and honesty.  Remember the old saying, "If you give a dog enough leash he will hang himself."  I honestly hope they don't.  But if they do, I feel confident that I will find someone that will take my honest trust in them, and not betray me.  And not want or need to be with anyone but me.  I know it's a lot to hope for, but recently I've been told by friends and both of them, that I am enough for any man.  I wonder if they hear what they are saying.  I wonder if they believe it.  Doesn't matter, I do.

Another old saying comes to mind that fits here, "Just because I have ordered doesn't mean I can't look at the menu."  I agree.  LOOK.  That doesn't include eating or touching.  LOL

Ok I can't resist posting the song.  It's the Foo Fighters.  :D  enjoy


Sunday, February 17, 2013

Lonely Boy - The Black Keys

Originally I had planned to post something completely different about this song, but after the week I had, what I have to tell you will still fit.  It has been rather eventful both in the actual events and in the dreams of events or even in the invitations.  What a week of invitations!  But lets start with the bad news and work our way up to the surprising shall we?

Tuesday I lost my job, actually due to downsizing it no longer exists.  But fear not, I am strong and bounce back quickly and have two interviews next week.  Single parent gut reflex....I hit the ground running.  I guess I should thank my ex husbands for that strength.  Had they never left me, or me deciding to leave them, I never would have known how strong I could be.  I never could have grown to this point of acceptance in my life of who I really am.

Wednesday of last week is when all the surprising stuff started to happen.  Wednesday night is my trivia night and I love my trivia team and look forward to seeing them.  And due to last weeks flu, and a date each Wednesday for two weeks running, one with Mr. Charisma and one with Mr. Hopeful, I haven't been in a long time. So I dressed up in a low cut sweater and a jean skirt that shows off my legs, and decided to have some fun just being me.  And guess who I ran into?  Crisis.  Of all men, a Lonely Boy that I hadn't heard from in over a year.  I'd actually deleted him from my phone due to lack of interest.  I don't chase...well I do once I'm caught, but this guy can't close the deal.  He was with a table of male friends and after his initial shock at seeing me and response, of "WOW you look great."  I decided we needed to catch up, so I opened the door...something I'm expert at.  Told him to meet me outside....he never did.  Actually just watched me from a far unable to admit to himself and perhaps his young friends (remember this one is too young for me anyway and is a retired toy) that the old woman who was talking to him was more important to him than he was willing to admit....Lonely boy indeed.  I wrote it off as a good thing I deleted him.  Can't close the deal.  Fast forward to Friday night at 10pm, when I'm already at a surprise birthday party for a girlfriend, cuz I get booked early and NEVER do booty calls from toys....guess what he wanted?  You got see if I was available.  And of course I turned him down.  Poor LonelyBboy, guess he didn't learn anything from last year.  And I was right to delete him.

After Crisis left, guess who showed up at the bar same night....another long lost got it....Mr. Confident.  What a surprise.  Also been over 7 months since I saw him, and yet in the last few months, about every 2 or so, he has texted me with what I can only assume is/are some of his best come on lines.  Lonely Boy number two.  While I'm not going to share his immature (he's almost 30) and completely self absorbed lines I can tell you they are not good ones.  In fact I'm not attracted to his personality at all, and can only admit that he was an experiment.  You see last year, if you remember, was my attempt to follow the wishes of one of the great loves in my life, Mr. Hopeful, when he told me that I should still keep looking for Mr. Right and have fun.  Mr. Confident is not anywhere close to anything but an assignment.  Cold I know.  And now that he still seems interested in sex, I am not.  And my kind heart won't hurt him, but I won't say yes either.  I must fix that and try to be as honest as I can and let him down easy.  Don't feel too sorry for him, he's a player.  He kind of deserves this treatment.  Revenge for all the women he has hurt.

Now earlier in the week, Mr. Charisma, on our Monday night scheduled date, took me to a nice restaurant for a romantic pre-valentine dinner...he also surprised me with a valentine day lunch.  (see he understands about scheduling with me ahead of time if he really wants to see me....Lonely Boy number three)  And we have spent the rest of the week arguing off and on about why I should break up with him and why he should leave me only to decide that while neither of us want to stop seeing each other, and have all these incredible feelings for each other, we are doing the 'whats best for me' dance.  I hate this dance, and am quite familiar with it.  As Mr. Hopeful, a year ago, did the same dance with me.  I really wish the men in my life would let me decide what's best for me.  If I'm willing to live this life, let me live it.

Which brings me to the original Lonely Boy in my life, Mr. Hopeful, who was hoping to see me last night but once again we could not connect.  It seems to my heart, and I could be wrong, but it seems to my heart that he wants to be with me the most and unfortunately gets to see me the least.  And it's all that our schedules just don't match up.  Now that I'm looking for work that might help us, but I doubt it.  He really is much busier than anyone understands.  And while I know he is lonely and I want to cure that, I can't....well not as much as I would like.  So I wait...boy do I wait, and hope as he does, that someday we will be able to see each other as much as we secretly want to.

With Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Charisma, I feel like the Lonely Boy, with a love that keeps me waiting, but it's worth it.  I've come to the realization that I could be happy with either of them.  Very happy for a life time.  I honestly believe that that cruel, cold, bitch Fate has done this to me on purpose, so I could finally emotionally understand the difficult situation Mr. Practical was trying to make three years it been that long?  I never understood really being in love with two people at the same time before now.  Because in my heart even when I've been involved with more than one person at a time there was always a clear winner.  Always.  And that was the man I eventually chose or was with or fought for, or lost everything to be with...choose your past scenario with care my ex's....for I know you read this too.  ;)  But this time...this time...Its a tie, for now.  And this confuses me as where they are similar they are a perfect fit for me, and where they are different they are so different, from me and from each other.  Actually one is a better fit in the 'with me' department, but I'm not sure that's a good thing.  I married three men that were better fits with me and look what happened there.....

I guess we are all Lonely Boys and maybe Lost Boys too...looking for our Neverland together.  And it's experiencing the journey together that is the key.  I'm not giving up, but I am watching and waiting and hoping.  

Sunday, February 10, 2013

I Had A Good Time - Boston

Yes Boston.  Guilty pleasure band.  My #1 daughter would say that Boston, Journey, Styx, and Kansas were all the same band, and she wouldn't be far off.  But I don't care.  I had a good time.  What a great little song that really does capture how I feel every time we are together.

Of course this week I haven't had a really good time as I've been sick in bed with the flu.  Missed the entire week of work.  But I'm on the mend and heading back next week.  But that was not a good time.  The worry over my job was not a good time either, and when I showed up for work on Saturday was told the phone lines were down, and not working properly so there would be no telemarketing today. grrr.  Hope they get them fixed on Monday (day off) so that Tuesday I can jump back in.  While my body has needed the week off, my wallet has not.

Looking at the lyrics to this song it shows a couple of things about love that have always been a confusion to me.  The 'Love Is Blind' lyric:  "You can lie, to my face, and I'll believe it, it's ok.  It doesn't matter.."  You know I go there a lot.  I do.  When I'm in love half of my brain goes dormant.  And I become the most gullible woman you have ever met.  I will believe almost any excuse as to why you are late, or not coming at all, or can't see me.  It's ok.  What else can I do.  My hands are tied.  And my heart wants what it wants.  And what it wants is to be adored.  And he does, I can tell, in the moments when we are one, he does.

The other lyric that is important is the hopelessly romantic vision of the future:  "Well I've been in love, but nothing lasts forever, so just hold on long enough, we may still end up together, it's alright."  How pathetic, right?  To hold on to a dream like that?  Well, I think it's romantic.  And I plan on holding on for this ride, because it's the happiest I've been in many, many years.

I both love and hate the way life unfolds before our eyes.  How it teases us with possibilities both attainable and not so.  How it dares us to rise to each new desire, each new challenge.  At least my life isn't boring.  I'll give it that.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

It's Only Love - Stevie Nicks

The lyric in this one that gets me every time is in the chorus:
...Ah, if only love comes around again
It will have been
Worth the ride...

For me, this love is full of ups and downs and missed connections, and faith that we will meet again.  It's not ideal, but it is what it is, and for us, it is all we can do.  Try.  Our moments together may be fewer and farther between, but they are worth the struggle.  For when we are together it is definitely worth the ride.

It's not that I feel less than whole without him, it's just that I feel so much more with him.  That I'd rather experience everything, or share everything I love with him.   I suppose this is a common thing when in love, but it still doesn't lesson the emotions when he is not here with me.  When all we can be in a passing thought in our minds eye, as our individual lives unfold.

I wish we were living single lives instead of double, or triple lives.  But I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather have this than nothing.  Not having met or not knowing him is not an option now.

And now I'm going back under the covers and dream.