Sunday, September 28, 2014

Mary Poppins....Who Knew?

My life is almost my own again.  I have found a career I am passionate about and apparently pretty good at.  Better than I thought I could be, and yet, if I'd seen myself from the outside, I might have known all along.  I'm med free, and happy.  Being in a state of contentment without meds is the accomplishment I was most hoping for this year.  Finishing my novel was the also high on the list.  But I find myself completely uninterested in it right now.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I can hear the characters trying to get my attention, but I'm not making time for them.  I'm not making time to write, which is not a good thing, but I have so much on my plate right now, with my two nanny jobs and trying to catch up on bills, which I almost have with one paycheck.  (insert proud smile here) Was even able to take my First Daughter out for drinks and dinner last night as a kick off to her birthday week.  I haven't had spending money to in about seven months, so it feels good to be able to afford to spoil my loved ones.  My plan for the rest of my earnings in October is to save, save save, for my own studio apartment.

I've been searching on line and every week new options open up, so they go fast here in the windy city.  I love looking, but I don't want to fall in love with something that I can't have, so I'm waiting to actually canvas after I've got some serious money saved.  I think it will only take me about four more weeks before I can be all moved in somewhere.  Fingers crossed.

I really like my new family and I'm an official Chicago commuter now that I drive there and back every day, quicker than the train.  But I do love the fact that if I can't afford a car, I can live here very easily and work without one.  I miss my little Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins every day but I still look after them in the evenings and on the weekends as needed.  I know I'll miss them a lot more once I'm moved out.  But even with that said, I'm looking forward to some alone time.  Adult alone time.  Kidless.  I am surrounded by children from around 7:30 am until 9:00 pm every day...I'm starting to hum Elmo's World instead of Fleetwood Mac.  Not good.  When I'm serving lunch or dinner to anyone, I automatically cut it into small bite size portions.  That could be embarrassing if I'm hosting an adult party.  And I find myself looking for the diaper bag every time I leave the apartment or townhouse...every time, even if I'm not taking any kids with me.  I feel like a mom again, but not at the same time.  Because at the end of the day, I can give them back to their real parents.  I'm exhausted, but it's a good tired.  And the kids I've nurtured are all asleep and I feel needed, loved, respected, and content.

Perhaps Mr. Charisma was right when he accused me of looking for unconditional love.  I always thought I was giving that to everyone, but never felt like I was getting it back except with children.  And while this means that I truly am narcissistic and completely satisfied with self love, I am happier surrounded by children.  They don't have hidden motives, or make you feel like you are never good enough.  They don't judge you by your body type, or educational level, or the car you drive.  They don't lie to your face and stab you in the back for no other reason than because they could get away with it. They don't lie....not about important things, maybe about cookies or having finished their homework, but not about how they feel.  They are honest about their feelings and need to be heard.  I love to listen and help them sort out all those feelings.  Maybe I never really grew up myself.  Maybe I'm still that kid too, and that's why I relate to them so well.  Maybe I just want to protect them from all the monsters out there, and I know that I can.  And I'm quite familiar with the monsters as they have been under my bed and hidden in my closet too.  I understand that not everyone wants children in their lives nor do they need them.  But I have never imagined a life without them, even as a child my favorite game was House, and I was a mommy even then.

I miss and adore my children, and are proud of the adults that they have become.  I miss our times together as a family when they were at my knee learning everything I could teach them.  I miss how their minds worked and grew right in front of my eyes.  And I was never happier at any job than when I was their mommy.  Now I have taken the successful leap to a new career, and I not only love it but according to the parents, I'm good at it.  Now I have two more little ones to nurture and help grow.  I hope I can be in their lives for many years to come, as I know I will with Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins.

Listening to the quiet, and looking forward to the joyful noise of children

Sunday, September 21, 2014

My Life - Bon Jovi

Sometimes we have to test the waters to find out how deep they are, before we dive in.  Since my break up with Mr. Charisma last Christmas, I've been doing that with all the men in my life.  And while it may seem heartless to sever ties, sometimes it's the only choice you can make to stay sane.  I had to do this last week with Mr. Practical.  Honestly I feel it has been a long time coming, probably even before Mr. Charisma and I started.  I had been torn between Hopeful and Practical and put my feelings aside, or so I thought.  When Mr. Charisma and I broke up Mr. Practical was there to make sure I was ok and I thought to be just friends as we had been since he married.  But I was wrong.  I couldn't keep trying to be friends with someone that treated his wife with so little respect.

I understand making mistakes, admitting them, learning from them and moving on.  I do that in my life and teach that with the children that I take care of, as with my own children when raising them.  But what I can't respect is someone that can't admit a mistake, no matter how painful it is, and try to honestly save the good things, the friendship.  I know he believes he did that.  And I think for the most part he did, or at least he tried.  But he if he can't be honest with his wife then he isn't being honest with me either.  And while I had to let him go as a lover when he married, I tried to keep the friend.  But he must have some feelings still for me, because he gets so angry when we talk about the past or try to understand the mistakes and heal together.  Mr. Hopeful and I were able to communicate through hard life choices and mistakes and keep our respect and friendship.  I honestly didn't think we could.  I had no doubt that Mr. Practical and I could, and we failed.

When I look back on the last four years of bad decisions and reckless behavior, I wonder why and then it hits me like a wave of understanding.  While I was dealing with the past hurt from abuse I could never stop or run from, I needed Mr. Hopeful's understanding and care and youthful love for life; Mr. Practical's realistic and logical approach to everything; Mr. Confident's determination, and Mr. Charisma's catalyst and demons.  All were important parts of my healing and finding myself again.  And I'm grateful for the lessons I have learned and the love I have freely given and received.  I wish them all well.

As I move on.


Sunday, September 14, 2014

The Chain - Fleetwood Mac

Lots of internal things brewing this week, lots of chains that bind me.  I still miss my friends, but I know I'm on the right path.  Giving up is not giving up the feelings or the love I feel for certain people.  But moving on is sometimes the only choice you can logically, ethically, emotionally and realistically make.  This has been my feelings on the matter of my heart for four years.  And it has been the hardest choice I have ever made.

I left him years ago, and it seems my heart never did.  My heart just broke and then laughed at me that I believed his absence in my life would be the same as getting over him; or  moving on.  He moved on.  But I have stayed in some kind of time resistant hibernation of the heart.  I really believed I had forgotten him and moved on too.  I really had been happy, well as happy as I could be considering I hadn't even approached the anger from the childhood abuse, and discovered that my writing could be more than another fantasy novel.  I wish I could have had the opportunity as a child to get the help I needed.  Now the damage has already been done in the relationship department and I can never fix the past.  But I can remain hopeful about the future.  And while I still dream about him, he made an appearance last night, again, I find that the dreams are very healing and fond.  Not scary or veiled meanings.  When I look up the meanings I find that he has become one of my dream guides, helping me to realize what I already know, or helping me to see it in a way that I cannot ignore.  With fond smiles of love and hand holding conversations.  As it probably always should have been with us.  But you know me if you are a constant reader or know me outside cyberspace, you know I sometimes just go with my heart, and damn the consequences.

I'm sure, at my age, I know right from wrong.  I'm also equally sure that I am the star of my own life again....FINALLY.  This has been a hard road to walk, but I'm through most of the really dark parts, I hope.  And I'm glad that if I had to make that journey that I made it with someone I have loved for so long.  I'm a better person for having known him at all.

Saying goodbye does not have to mean it's the end of everything you can feel.  Its sometimes the beginning of forgiveness, respect, self love, and confidence to stand alone, knowing that in your heart, you will always be together.  Chain keep us together, running in the shadows.  (Cue Fleetwood Mac)

The longer I am single the more I enjoy it.  I think it is time for me to be alone and love myself for awhile.  After all I went from my mothers home to my husbands home with no time to be just me as a young woman.  I had my children young and my 20's were a blur of marriage and children and divorce and marriage, and divorce and marriage and children.  I never had the chance to stop and think about what I really want in life.  What I really want to do or who I am.  Now that my kids are grown, I have a wonderful opportunity to have my 20's and have enjoyed them in my 40's and 50's.  And you'd think I'd be smarter and make better choices because of the wisdom of age.  HAHAHAHA.  There's the rub.  I was more reckless with the freedom of adulthood and the power that can bring.  Having faced that, I now want to settle down again, not nesting, not like a young lover but more like a grandma.  I believe that is why the career change to being a full time career Nanny has really been a life saver for me.  The unconditional love that children give is very healing and good for my esteem building.  And the mistakes I have made have made me not just experienced but I believe a great study of human behavior.  The knowledge I can give, with a gentle tone and a loving heart, can save many children from the harsh childhood that Fate dealt me.   I'm a wiser person for having been able to come through all of that and still feel and have love to give.  I'm one of the lucky ones.


Sunday, September 7, 2014

RESPECT Find Out What It Means To Me - Aretha

All my life I've been brought up to believe (RUSH song cue) that respect is earned and not given.  And I've had my share of respecting someone and then having it disappear.  Usually do to their actions not matching their words or worse....their actions actually scaring me and making me feel as if everything I've been taught is wrong, as with the rapes.

But recently I've discovered that sometimes people just don't know how to respect others, or treat others the way they would want to be treated.  I've also been taught this lack of compassion is more an only child thing, and yet I think I'm one of the most compassionate people out there, even having survived everything I've survived, and I often times will try to think of the situation from the other persons point of view first.  This is great for the other people in my life but not so great for me.  Mr. Selfish used to say to me that being selfish is not always a bad thing.  And I never really understood what he meant until now.

You can be the most nurturing person in the world.  And give until you can't give anymore, even if you know it's wrong.  Like my years of being a mistress.  I knew it was wrong, but I did it more for the unhappy men that found me than for myself.  I'll admit that loneliness was a powerful decision maker and so was love, but in the end all it seems I have left is a huge lack of respect from my family and friends.  Not all my family and not all my friends, but I have noticed a great exodus from my companionship.  Even from the men I tried to bring some love and understanding to.

I know what you are thinking, 'What did you expect?'  Well....honestly.....I guess first and foremost I expected understanding.  Not judgment from people that I love that say they love me.  Perhaps even curiosity, and honest questions and communication about why.  Why would someone like me, who'd been cheated on, ever cheat?  Why would someone like me who had cheated on the best guy in the world and felt like shit for it, EVER want to feel that way again?  Or bring that feeling of emptiness and complete success devoid of any feelings of love or attachment?  No loyalty.  Loyalty is very big with me.  And when I break a confidence or show a disloyal side of myself, it is usually because I have tried every I could think of to save the relationship and have felt cast aside myself, or it is because I have nothing left to give and find the relationship to be a lie.  Have I always been proud of how I ended a relationship?  Of course not.  Have you?  If you can say yes to this question then I would expect more understanding from you not less.  I would expect you to have advice for someone like me, not disdain.

I am the only person exactly like me in the entire universe and I am a wonderful, caring, loving, loyal, understanding and respectful person.  And I didn't get here just from discipline as a child.  I got here by making mistakes, choices that seemed right at the time that ended up being wrong.  It is how I have learned in my life, and I know I've broken patterns.

I know I've gotten better at picking friends and men to love.  (I just need to make sure they are single)  And I know I still have a great capacity to love and experience joy.  I get that every day as a nanny.  NOTHING is more healing than a child's laughter.  Nothing is more honest, sometimes brutally so, than a child's opinion.  Children don't lie about important things.  They tell it like it is, even if it will hurt you or get them in trouble.  They also don't lie about despicable things that happen to them, or when they have been hurt, emotionally or physically.  Children are wise beyond their years.  They understand through lack of experience, that the best thing to do is make the mistake, learn from it, forgive themselves, and move on.  How I wish we didn't loose that ability.  What a wonderful world it would be if we could be that honest with ourselves as adults.  Confrontation used to be hard for me. When I was a child and struggling alone with the rapes and not knowing who I could trust to tell.  How would it help anyway?  That feeling of 'I don't want to face it so if I don't talk about it, it will go away.'  The feeling of 'it will fix itself in time, if I just keep trying to be good.'  But sometimes things need to be faced.  No matter how ugly or evil it makes you feel about yourself, or others.  Sometimes you have to go that dark place in your memories and really see who you are.  What happened.  What you chose.  Or that it wasn't your fault.  Forgive yourself, if you share some of the blame, and move on.  I know this can be a very difficult thing to do.  But you know what's harder?  Try to find something good that came out of the experience.  I can do that with every past relationship.  But I still have some issues with finding anything good that came out of the rapes.  I suppose that is to be expected considering I was five and twelve when they occurred.  I guess the only good thing I can point to is that my anger, that I didn't even know I was surrounded by, has lifted.  And a stronger me has appeared to protect those wounded children left inside.

And it is a much wiser me as well.  Less likely to judge, much less quick to show my anger, and at the same time, a much quicker actor on what is right and what is wrong.  One of my favorite quotes I recently read on line was, "If you don't know right from wrong it's not religion you lack it's compassion." That hit a cord with me and helped me on this leg of my journey.  I truly am sorry for hurting anyone that I thought I was helping.  I guess it's true, you can care too much.  But this time my armor is not going to be impenetrable, plate mail, splinted or chain.  This time my armor will be supple, yet strong leather.  And besides, I look good in leather.  ;)