Sunday, December 28, 2014

Mission Accomplished Even With Demon Bongos

First Daughter and I did it!  We got back to La Crosse to see First Son and everyone that requested we pop by!  In just two days!

But first I’m going to tell you about the Demon Bongos.  This is a story that I managed to tell no one while in La Crosse, but First Daughter did tell Ladybird Hobbit.  Right before Madison, we heard this odd swishing and slicing sound and the car suddenly felt like it took on weight.  A scary, invisible weight.  There were no deer, or tumbleweeds (no snow here either!) nothing present on the road, but a slight jerk and then weight.  We kept going.  Afraid to stop.  Afraid of the T1600 and the T800 Terminators.  Afraid of Gargoyles, and Demons.  “What are we dragging?”  and “Ok that doesn’t feel right,” were said countless times before I first heard the drums.  That’s right, bongo drum beat.  Just two at first, then a big pause.  I said, “Bongos?” and First Daughter looked at me with round eyes full of speculation.  Then the sound turned into a beatnik pub and performance artist playing the bongos. I can’t write the sound here, it’s something like Ba-da-dit-ty- DA- da- fit-ty, over and over getting faster and faster as the resistance seems less and less.  Or were we just getting used to the drag of the dead weight.  I kept looking in the rear view mirror to see if the ship I’m suddenly flying is leaking oil….trailing nothing.  No emergency call to Houston just yet. No need of the Winchesters, we hope.  But I’m frantic trying to remember where my AAA is.  It gets faster and faster and we’re both afraid to voice an opinion when suddenly I see it fall from under the front of the car and bounce under us.  I gasp as the sound is silenced.  We smile a little sadly that the Supernatural boys won’t need to be called and very happy that we made the right choice and didn’t stop.  I can’t help but think the Demon Bongo player looked a lot like the under part of my bumper, but perhaps it was just the dark pavement and headlights that made it appear so.  Whew.

I still wish I could have had the time to pop in on a few more of you, like my godson and his family, both little brothers on the bluff, and their wives and kids, oops, guess the godson got mentioned twice.  Missed seeing Little Combat Boots kids, but getting to see her and her husband my Big Little Brother, (movie pun) was such a great surprise.  I imagined seeing her at coffee if we were lucky.  Them coming out to join That Guy and Mr. YRR and LadyBird Hobbit was more than I imagined.  My First Son came out on Christmas eve too.  My First Daughter-in-law was too sick to move, so we missed seeing her this trip…We must stop making plans.  It never fails.  NateDogs birthday was one of the good ones.  Even ran into one of my old toys who was prompt to tell me that he hasn’t had sex in a year.  WOO HOO!  I beat the the thirty something kid!  Speaking of old toys, Mr. Confident reached out to flirt with me yesterday.  I just love it when Fate puts the same lesson in front of you over and over until you get it right.  I didn’t respond in anything more than an innocent friend and he was all unbelieving and “?”.  I had to laugh at that because it seemed so ‘high school’, and I proceeded to tell him that he is engaged now and off the making out market.  He didn’t even acknowledge it.  He didn’t even say goodbye.  He didn’t even want to confirm if we were still friends.  He just stopped talking and eventually left.  I have to say, “That’s doing it wrong.”  And I hear ya, he’s just a kid.  But how else to kids learn unless its from their moms.  I’m assuming that’s what it was.  Mommie issues.  I’m happy that he found the one he can be happy with.  It just goes to prove that there is someone for everyone.

I am starting to feel more and more ready to get out there and date.  This last trip home full of my friends in all different stages of “happily ever afters” made me realize just how ready I am.  I feel confident and sound it again, and even am starting to carry myself that way again.  I’m seeing through the bullshit and honing in on the truth again.  I’m becoming the woman Mr. Hopeful met again.  My First Daughter In Law would say, “Ma you turned it on again” and she’d be right.

I purchased Stevie Nicks 24 Karat Gold, Songs From the Vault and Foo Fighters Sonic Highways for myself for Christmas.  I pretend every year they are from you, but that’s just pathetic.  This year I’m a little bit afraid to listen to the lyrics of two artists who seem to be following me around and writing songs that stab me in the heart on many levels.  Do I want to hear what they have to tell me now?  Yes.  and NO!

But I suppose I should try….maybe after some gaming, and catching up on The Gilmore Girls.  I’m deep in season 6.  only one more season after this, and i’m starting to miss it already.  my guilty pleasure.


Sunday, December 21, 2014

Three Days Until Christmas Eve!

Three days.  Three days and I’ll be back “home” visiting family and friends.  That’s a funny concept isn’t?  To me Chicago is home now.  It’s where I live, work and play.  Where all my stuff is and well, if that isn’t home what is?

Many of you probably have had some family or friend from where you used to live ask you, “Are you coming home for Christmas?”  That has to be a wonderful feeling.  No one asked me that.  Not a single family member or a friend.  No one.  I do have one friend, That Guy, who asks often enough to qualify.  But It really didn’t surprise me that no one asked.  I asked everyone what they were doing for Christmas in case I might be able to squeeze in another friend.  I tell myself that’s why no one asked me, because I asked everyone before they could.  I think that’s an important point of my personality.  I tend to end things first, before they can.  I start them first too.  Sweep them off their feet before they have a chance to think.  I think of myself as a patient person, at least with kids I am.  But not so much with adults.  I love surprises, but I like to have a plan too.  I like to know where I’m staying and how much time I have.  I think it has to do more with knowing how busy people get and knowing I want to see them too, so I understand that planning ahead is important.  It’s not a large ego that does this it is just the opposite.  I know I’m not going to be first on anyones list so I remind them that I love them too, and I want some time.

For the most part that has worked for me.  And I get to see everyone that I’m hoping too except one man.  The one man I love the most this season is of course, too busy.  And he always will be.  I know this, and my heart knows this and it doesn’t seem to matter.  It has never diminished the love I feel for him.  I tried to move on last year with Mr. Charisma, and that was a complete disaster.  And I knew it would be but I kept pushing and instead of keeping him as a toy I let him get serious and that was the end.  For us both.  Even though we stayed together for a year it was not a happy time.  And I did it to try to forget The One.  He is everything that I want in a man.  He is not where he wants to be or with who he wants to be, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about him as a person.  What he feels, believes in, is passionate about.  His personality is what I miss.  Of course there is more that I miss.  Much more in a very hot and romantic department, but that is extra.  It’s not what calls to me in the middle of the night, when I’m tossing and turning in my bed.  It’s not the first thing I remember each morning when his face flashes across my vision with a smile that would melt the hardest icy heart.  It’s not the last thing I see at night when I close my eyes thinking of my loved ones back “home”.

They say you should surround yourself with people that want to be near you.  That make time for you.  But what if no one does that?  My First Daughter does.  We see each other every week for brunch and to catch up.  And it is one of the most important and fulfilling relationships of my life.  And I love her without equal.  My First Son doesn’t live here, but even when we lived in the same town we were lucky to see him twice a year, unless we were gaming.  Gaming gave us our weekly catch up and it was wonderful.  We do get to see him and his wife for Christmas so all is good there.   He works throughout the holiday so we won’t be staying with him, but at least we get as much free time as he has to catch up.  :)  And I can’t wait to see him.  I miss my First Son more than he can imagine.  I also have plans to see She of Little Combat Boots and That Guy, the Pirate YARR, and my closest Pat Head friend, so it will be a full schedule even without Mr. Hopeful.  But….I know my heart will think of him often….and I know my brain will dare my feet to find him….and I know I won’t.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Its In The Air

Can you feel it?  It’s in the air.  Something just on the edge of perception is right there.  Some might say it’s Christmas or whatever spiritual holiday you celebrate.  Others might say its just the changing of the seasons.  But there is a definite change in the cosmic awareness.  A oneness we all share. A time of year when we remember endings and the people that we left behind.  In less than two weeks I shall be in a part of the country that had a lot of endings for me.  And while I don’t expect to see any of them, the ones I left behind, I do plan on seeing the ones that never left my life.  The ones that care enough to make time for me.  Granted its a short trip, but it’s the attempt that counts.  And while my personal plate already seems full, well you know what they say about this time of year…the more the merrier.

As I reflect on the past and hope the future can recapture some of the great moments of the past, I hope that you all get to see everyone you miss this Christmas season.


Sunday, December 7, 2014

Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

I'm not sure what it is.  There is a feeling that comes over me every December.  I’m not depressed, not even sad, really, but sentimental
…very sentimental.
And it's not over every Christmas past.   But like Scrooge, (or Scrooged if you like movies, like I do) one stands out.  Winter in general stands out with Mr. Hopeful.  It was winter all those decades ago where he and I talked on a snowy hike about a possible future together….
and it was winter when we broke up years later…
and (did you know) when it snows, (cue song)…I can’t help but see his face, at both those moments.  Have I told you lately that I think my relationship with him, over the years, has really helped me to understand how close love and hate really are?  Now don’t go jumping of ledges here, breath and hear me out.

I hate that I met him if we can’t be together….sometimes….
this time of year….more than any other.  And maybe it’s true, its because it’s Thanksgiving and Christmas….and New Years…
Eve….and another year gone without him.  Another year misplaced somehow, and yet, the year for me has been a very successful and happy one. I have had so much good to share with my loved ones….I just wish he was by my side while I was accomplishing them.  My heart says he is.  My heart says he always will be, because he cares about me and always has.  Just because we couldn’t make a relationship work, doesn’t mean we can’t be old friends, does it?  Sharing stories of our kids, and our trials and tribulations in this world.  
Like with all my other friends.  I try.  
God knows I try.  
But with him, its hard to be completely happy for his successes that he shares with her, and his kids.  And while I am happy for him, there is a small, small percentage….maybe 10….that glares with revenge filled satisfaction at his losses.  It used to be closer to 5% but it’s grown this year along with my unfulfilled desires to have an exciting life here in the Windy City.

Thankfully my distracted heart did not spoil any joyous Christmas present with my daughter yesterday.  (pun….lol)  We were shopping in the downtown said windy city, and DAMN why do we live near such a fucking huge lake this far north?!  ARE WE CRAZY?!  Hate lake effect show and ice and wind and fucking wind.  There were a couple of times with our packages in hand where First Daughter and I were almost blown off our feet.  Our inherited 18 dex of clumsy-ness and anti-stumbling saves made quippy remarks of the day a very “Gilmore Girls” moment.  We have a lot of those again in this city.  Another reason it was good for us both to get out of the sad memories of La Crosse.   She still calls it home. I think because First Son is there.  I call Chicago home.  Because I’m here.

Christmas future is starting to bleed into my self-imposed blue Christmas time.  And this is a good thing because I feel a lot more successful when I think of my future than when I think of my past or present.  I know I shouldn’t live in the either the past or future but at least I’m starting to find my future a more pleasant place to be in than my past.  I think its a greater understanding of myself and him and maybe what they call, “being in the present moment”.  I’m trying to fall out of love with him and I’m trying to think of him more in love with her and spending his free time with his family.  I create loving pictures of it in my mind to keep me from …
well to keep me from doing anything I may regret.
 I think this is growth, albeit strange and dangerous pendulum growth, but any growth is good, right?  She asked suggestive of agreement.



Monday, December 1, 2014


What a wonderful and relaxing Thanksgiving weekend.  Here it is Monday morning and I'm a day late posting, (because somehow I locked myself out of my google, but am now recovered).  FIVE days off for Thanksgiving.  I feel so European.  I hope everyone was as surrounded by love and friendship as I was this Thanksgiving, and while I miss those of you that I couldn't get to, I know you are there wishing me well as I do you.

My Thanksgiving was spent with First Daughter, just us.  First Son and his wife were working and couldn't make the trip, nor would it have been easy for us to come to them.  But  we are shooting for Christmas.  I hope it can happen, I miss my son more than he knows.  My First Daughter and I ate all the turkey and sides we could stuff into ourselves, and built a Lego Death Star while watching musicals (Hair and The Book of Mormon) and some Gilmore Girls a new passion of ours.  And  the music was her new assignment of "Who am I now".  Was a wonderful and relaxing time.

Then Friday I left town until Sunday to hang with My Girl and her kids.  My Girl lives over the state line from me so I was able to have an adventure in getting to her.  I love adventures.  I took a bus to the Metra and rode the train as far north as it goes and she picked me up at the station.  Cost me about $10.00 oneway!  Who would ever drive?  I love living in a city with great public transportation. I had so much fun at My Girl's place.  Got to catch up with her and had my first experience smoking medical herbs (NOT THAT KIND OF HERBS!  Ours was a grape flavored molasses based.  No tobacco nothing addictive), and it was so smooth.  I really enjoyed it and it fed an old 'smoking habit' of the oral hand to mouth thingy.  It was quite relaxing.  We also watched some movies we had always wanted to catch and just were lazy.  I felt so at home there, and I usually never feel at home anywhere but home.  I think I'm finally learning how to relax.

I almost got to do and see everyone that I wanted to this weekend.  I hope to make it further north for Christmas.  The people I left behind up there I miss more than they know, and my heart is heavy with the fear that I might not see any of them again.  This time of year always makes me sentimental and reminiscent.  I should put up my Christmas tree...but I'm just not in the mood yet.  Maybe later tonight.  I'm really enjoying being a hermit.  Back to gaming.