Changes

I can feel it in the air...
Change is coming, and not it's not just winter, it's real change.
Something clicked yesterday, something that's been missing in my life for a long time, is back.  And for the last twenty-four hours, I've been trying to put my finger on what it is that exactly changed.  You know that's the hardest part, right?  When change actually occurs.  Change is tricky that way; change takes its time.  If you were conscience of it you would see how agonizingly a slow process change really is.  And yet once it occurs, once you are aware of the change, it can seem but an instant.  And you and your life are forever changed....different, but the same.  Almost like a 'new and improved you'.  This is starting to happen to me.  A sudden realization of a very slow change in who I am as compared to who I pretend to be.  Right now I'm smiling at the visual in my head, of each of you reading this and smiling, because you already know this to be true, and you feel you know the real me and the 'act' me...

...but do you?

Interesting question, and if you said, 'Yes', interesting answer.  Considering I sometimes don't even know.  But I won't argue with you, mostly because you aren't here and can't, but also because that's what real love is all about isn't it?  Getting to know someone on the most intimate levels and still wanting to be with them.  Knowing them almost better sometimes than they know themselves.  Or even more, feel that pang of desire when they aren't around.  Not just missing them, feeling like you are somehow lacking something, without them near you.  I know what some people say, that you shouldn't need a man to complete you.  And it really isn't that, it's more of finding the most attentive audience member.

Yeah, you heard me right.  For me, when I really like a guy, he could be talking about dirt and I'd find it fascinating.  And really want to know more about dirt, and would start to become an expert in it.  Just so I can talk with him about dirt...cuz he loves it.  I rarely feel like I get that back at the same level of interest.  I say rarely because right now I really do feel there are two men in my life that really do seem to want to, not only know who I am, but want me to know who they are.  And I love this part of discovery in love.  I'm fascinated with the different levels of love.  Where each time we fall we feel 'AHH...This is it!  No love could possibly make me feel any more satisfied than this!"  That is until the next love comes along, and it's somehow, impossibly, deeper.  More intimate.  More sensual.  More of everything that was great in the last love, and then you find yourself saying. 'AHH.  Now I understand...THIS is it!'  Only to find in time, that you were wrong again.  And the next love will be even greater.

I suppose because my experience in this department has always been greater with each love, that I feel that nothing lasts forever.  Except love.  Love has been a constant in my life.  I know this is why I become so insistent and urgent in love.  As if time would rob me of the best moments.  And right now, I'm so torn between the two of them, and I'm happy with them both, and with our current situations which are not ideal for expressing everything that we'd like to express.  Time is the real enemy here, and is robbing us of some of the best moments...and yet...perhaps...less is more.  Perhaps I love them both so much, not because of the way they make me feel, but because we never know if this time was the last.  We are more aware of the fact because we live separate, complete lives.  And our lives could rip us from each other at any moment.  Makes our moments together much more special, and since they are so precious we are always at our best together.  Even if we start out stressed and having the worst days ever, once we see each other, and can touch, and share everything that we are as individuals, everything else just disappears.

I'm amazed, and I crave that feeling all the time.  And get jealous for it.  Of course I tend to border on obsessive behavior.  And I'm a bit of an extrovert and flirt, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.  In fact for sensual people, for those of us who are hopeless romantics, well....lets just say it doesn't take much for our minds to wander back to each other.  And the connection I feel with them both is so strong now.  They occupy my thoughts and I find myself sighing, and smiling.  That can't be all bad?  Right?

Digging Deeper

This week has been a whirlwind of demands on my time, which has been very flattering and exhausting. Mr. Hopeful requested my presence last night, and of course I went, and we had wonderful time together.  Even better for me because we were much more sober than our big date last week.  Two times in two weeks, I'm going to get spoiled by this.

Then there was Mr. Charisma.  Talk about making a girl feel special, three times this week and he wants to see me tonight as well.  (Getting a jump on next week).  I may need a weekend to rest up from my weekend.  I have brunch with the girls at Dublin Square at 11 this morning and I'm going to do my best to be awake.  

I don't know what it is, but I feel so connected to them both and I have a great time when I'm with them and I know I'm being selfish in keeping them both, but I can't choose.  And so far, I haven't been asked to, and don't believe I will be.  But it makes me wonder about myself.  How selfish am I?  Do I really need all this attention to feel this happy?  Because, honestly I haven't feel this happy in a long time....not since...And if that's true, then I guess I have to admit some things about myself that might not be too pleasant, but that wouldn't be the first time there either.  I have always felt that I didn't share well, being an only child, and I believe there was a time in my life where I could never have been the woman I am now.  But I think the role of a mistress suits me.  I know this is a hard thing to admit but I think I need to understand how I've grown and changed over the last two years.

The way I see it, there are many moral lines in the sand that we draw and say we will never never cross.  And for some of us that is life.  They have drawn their lines in the sand and are still standing in that emotional cave, trapped.  For me, my personal journey has been more like drawing a line in the sand, and than having Fate put right in front of me, the very scenario I swore I would never accept.  As if she were saying, "Oh yeah?  Never say never!  Lets see what you do with THIS.  BAM!"  And the exact opportunity presents itself, and I am left standing at a crossroads of decision.  'Should I?'  'Dare I?' Of course, I fail, and cross the line.  Only to stubbornly draw another line in the sand and demand that I pay attention to THIS boundary  because we are not crossing it.  (Did I just start talking about myself in third person?  shit..)

**WE INTERRUPT THIS STORY TO BRING YOU INSIGHT.  PAY ATTENTION.  ITS FREE.** (Of course if I'm talking about myself in third person that can only mean that I've already snapped and this is the moment of clarity inside the insanity.  We now return to the Crazy Girl Brain.)**

So now I am asking myself, why?  Why do I cross that line?  Don't get me wrong, I haven't crossed ALL of my moral lines in the sand....yet....what scares me, just a little, is that I have crossed a couple of really big ones.  Huge ones.  In fact in the last two years, since this blog journey started, has been the most surprising, and yet fulfilling of my life.  And not just in the physical by any means, but that has been huge, and needed.  You see before this time I had spent almost a decade licking my wounds and being a social hermit where men were concerned.  I had my girl friends and a few male friends, very taken and very safe.  (Remember I wasn't the me I am now)  But no one I wanted to love or be loved by.  And since Mr. Practical, and Mr. Hopeful came into my lives I've found my heart has reawakened in it's desire to be loved.  Which brings me to Mr. Charisma, and another line crossed.  But look at me drawing another line in the sand, and proudly nodding my resolve that this place in my journey is as far as I'm willing to go.  Wanna hear something really sad and scary?  I'm not sure I believe it anymore than you do.

So the only thing I can do, is realize this is personal growth, for good or ill, it really doesn't matter.  For as Hunter S. Thompson is oft quoted,  " Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "Wow!  What a Ride!"  It may not be your goal, but it totally is mine.

sidenote:  I'd also like to be sitting bitch in this car.  :D

Cheers

The Surprises

Hello Sunday!  And hello playmates.  I am happily surprised at how the week went.  First up this week again is Mr. Charisma.  An impromptu date earlier in the week with some of my favorites, wine, cheese, conversation, movies and cuddling.  I'm not use to being swept off my feet, (only Mr. Hopeful has achieved that in recent years), and this new attention is most welcome and surprising. The evening started with us trying to decide what movie to watch, my assignment was to pick one I wanted him to see that had an effect on me.  I had a short list, and then narrowed it down to three that he hadn't seen that I was in the mood for, (look them up on www.imdb.com if you are curious.)  Sliding Doors, Chocolate and The Philadelphia Story.  Sorry Johnny Depp, but with, Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart AND Katheryn Hepburn in the mix it was The Philadelphia Story hands down.  And he was as pleased that I choose the classic.  We have been texting a lot and trying to get to know each other on a more human level, and every layer we uncover we find we have much in common.  This bodes well for a long lasting friendship when (if) the passion dies down.  As the movie started...... we really did try to watch the movie.

(APPLYING TMI FILTER NOW....you will be directed to appropriate blogging information following this frustrating interruption of my intimate life....in  three.
....two....
....one)

....it was good movie and a very satisfying evening together, just goes to show you that I can be very happy with 5 or 6 uninterrupted hours together.   He checked in with me yesterday to get on my calender for next week already.  That's an interested man.  And I am very interested to be on this particular journey.

The very next day, Mr. Practical made for the coast for three day/two night escape with his wife.  Much needed for them both.  And I'm actually more happy for him and his real life...wait a minute, I'm real...his practical life, than I am any other of my A-Team.  That Guy squeaks in a close second.  I enjoy being a sounding board for them, and while I didn't have any time for That Guy last week, we did check in on line to be sure we were both still swimming.

And then there was the big date, yes Mr. Hopeful came through, and yes I was very happy to see him, and yes he was full of surprises, most of which I can't talk about.  He was just as romantic as Mr. Charisma.  He also brought drinks, and some toys and a very honest and heartfelt cd he had created for us of how he's been feeling.  I'd made him one last fall, and he responded in kind.  And while I thought I knew how he felt, it means so much to my heart to know I was right.  And as pathetic as it sounds, it will keep him in my heart and mind on those cold, long, winter nights at are fast approaching.  I can't stop listening to it.

I believe the second surprise went something like this:  "And the best part about this is you can't blog about it...'The Anticipation'...I'm sure Mr. Practical loves reading about himself as much as I do."....then he mumbled....did he mention Mr. Charisma already....and huff a bit?  hum.  I'm not sure, but it was there, a flash of jealousy about their existence and about my writing about my life.  I just smiled and reminded him as gently as I could that I actually know what Mr. Practical thinks as he's usually the first to weigh in on my blog.  And Mr. Hopeful is not the first lover to try to edit what I post.  Fortunately I'm use to his nature and this did not ruin our evening, for it's almost impossible for us to be in the same room and not touch each other.


(APPLYING TMI FILTER NOW....you will be directed to appropriate blogging information following this frustrating interruption of my intimate life....in  three.
....two....
....one))

The only regret I have about this night is in the amount of stimulants that he wants and needs.  I could have made the night much more memorable if he had trusted my limits.  This was a surprise too, this one action of force, made me feel more like a purely sexual object... a toy....rather than what I know I am....and I had waited for this night for so long, and hoped I could make it a positive memory for us both, and now when I think back on it, I realize how much in control he is of our time together.  How afraid I am to upset him, for fear he will storm out of my life.  How much I want to please him.  How far I'm willing to go to make him happy.  It's a scary revelation.  And one I'm becoming very familiar with.  I've always known I have submissive traits...but if anyone can dominate me, truly, it is him.  And while this journey is much more frustrating than the rest, I find myself so addicted to him, that I long for our next meeting, instead of running for the hills.  

I guess this week has taught me one thing very clearly.  Mr. Hopeful is right, I do deserve better than this.  I do deserve more than any of my A-Team is willing or able to give me.  (although I must say, Mr. Charisma is leading the pack in consistent dating..so far one night every week since we met...that's major, but also he has proven to me, doable.  And guess what?  He's got almost the same distractions as Mr. Hopeful)  And yet, I am happy single.  I am happy sharing, and getting what I hope to be 'the best of both worlds'.  I enjoy being their Mistress....does this mean they are all my Masters?  hum...not sure on the technicality of that, but I kinda like it.  ;)  

And as tired and dare I say it, sore, as I was yesterday, today I am ready for more 'fun and fuckery', as the saying goes.  Maybe that's the real issue on my inability to commit to one man.  I've never found one man that can keep up with my real sexual energy, and my real lust for life and experiences.  Maybe, I need all of them to keep me entertained, and no one man can do it.  I think I'll go with that reasoning.  It's "Jill-logical".

Cheers.

The Anticipation

Without a doubt the theme for this weeks blog is anticipation.  There are so many definitions to anticipation.  I'll try my best to make my point by my usual story examples.  Here we go, try to keep up.

Its been a busy week in the romance/sex department, and for some reason I really do feel like a siren, or a muse.  It all started on Monday when Mr. Hopeful had to cancel our big date, again on Friday night.  We've only been planning for weeks, and this was the third cancel in a row.  Makes a girl wonder.  The anticipation here is one of more disappointment flavored with renewed but cautious expectation...This is the uphill part of the emotional roller-coaster that is Mr. Hopeful.  And if you know me you know I LOVE roller-coasters and the uphill hope is always well worth the wait of the down hill thrill of being with him again.  This is not just any date.  Anticipation.

The next form is That Guy who took up the slack on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night after trivia.  He keeps me busy, primarily in my mind, which as a writer I really do love to live in.  My mind is a warm and sensual place, for the most part.  But see, That Guy likes to push my limits to the edge of where I think I will go....mentally.  The physical is in my control, because he never touches me or my inserted toys.  It's all about control, and this week I had tried something I'd never done before, publicly  and it turned out to be a very sensual experience, and no one touched me, and no one knew....well, he knew.  And I know he wants to touch me, but the fact that he doesn't makes it even more exciting and intimate somehow.  Anticipation.  

Then there was Friday night, and...wait for it....The Return Of Mr. Charisma.  It even sounds like porn.  (shakes head smiling)  This one is really my emotional match in the flirting department and that is so much fun.   Really.  Its liberating.  Reminds me of my first husband, before he came out, while he was married to me and we were still childless with no intent or plans on that.  Footloose and fancy free.  It's fun to know I can be out with Mr. Charisma and be all over him one minute, or him all over me as it's more likely to be; and all over another man or several men as the evening progresses, and it wouldn't bother him a bit.  He'd still show up to escort me out of there, safely home with him, much to the surprise of the rest of the men.  FUN!  And no one really gets hurt.  Because see, that's a woman's question, that men never ask me....."are you with him?"...or "are you seeing anyone?"  Women ask that a lot more than men.  Curious.  But it fit my needs perfectly that men don't ask it.  See, they don't ask it because they don't want to know, and have that information maybe change their course.  And that's the same reason I don't ask it.  Its amazing how many of you don't wear your rings out.  But out with him or in with him, is a very sensual experience and, well, we dance well there as well.  I have a funny feeling we are both still holding back our A Games as we know, we have lots of time to explore, why rush it.  Anticipation.

And then there was last night and Mr. Practical, who texted me while I was at one of my 'beer-kids' houses partying and catching up on her life.  I had and have been on him (hehehe) to finish his chapter for months.  MONTHS I tell you!  It's hard to be his editor/muse and try to help keep him motivated when he fights himself as much as I do.  And he finished it!  FINALLY.  I couldn't wait to get home and read it.  Just finished my second path through it, and I can't wait to give him feedback.  This is proof that I fight it more than he does, since I haven't written in MONTHS....either....and I've thought about it, but I am kind of afraid to go back to it.  The first draft is done, I'm fighting myself on finishing the second draft.  And the reason, I think, is because I'm in chapters now that I wrote while very in love with Mr. Practical.  And, well, see, we buried all that in a big chest, and put huge chain links around it, and padlocked them on, just to be safe.  And then we put it in a closet in the bedrooms of our minds (WOW...does that sound like a Simon and Garfunkel song to anyone else?...The Bedrooms of Our Minds....)....and then we locked that door and put a tapestry over it, so we can't even see the door, and hung lots of tapestry so we can't see even where it might have been....So, yeah.  We are trying to be really good and so far we have been for a year now.  We've had some minor, flirtatious events on line, purely in our heads again...not even on video....being good.  We've saved so much of us, and happily are in a very honest and loving place.  That took much emotional intensity to achieve.  And neither of us is willing to give that up.  If I am honest, I am afraid that if I dive too deeply back into that novel, I might remember where that tapestry is.  Anticipation.  

Saturday night was a double header.  (I crack myself up!)  Because Mr. Hopeful was more attentive than he has been in a long time, on line.  And seriously planning on our rescheduled date.  I actually believe it is going to happen this time.  I know he does, he's 'stocking up' on 'things we need'.  I anticipate my collection of toys and/or costumes is about to increase.  Experimental nature, so attracted.  So well met in temperament in this area, among many others, we are well matched.  Without a doubt he is the most sensual experience of my life.  I know that when I look at him, its a look of hunger.  I know others have seen that look too, but not before they touch me.  Anticipation.